Put a fork in me - I'M DONE!!!

[temperamental_taurus]

I live with the guy (we're both on the lease) so moving out right now isn't an option, so you see I'm kinda stuck... I've tried to make it work, I've talked about my needs, etc with only little change. It is not the worst relationship there ever was... he doesn't cheat on me, he isn't very verbally abusive (unless he's pissed), he takes out the trash... but what he IS is emotionally neglectful, an alcoholic, a slob, selfish and immature. His drinking has increased to 12 beers a night now (yes, I've talked to him about this MULTIPLE TIMES), the sex lasts 5 minutes TOPS, there's NO foreplay, I'm never sexually satisfied (yes, I've covered this issue with him too)- unless I do it myself, whenever I approach him for sex I'm told "no." - sex is ONLY on his watch,when HE wants it, and if he DOES finally agree when I approach him, it is the crappiest sex and he & complains, rolls his eyes & makes disgusted faces - even FARTS right before we start. He feels more like a roommate to me. He is against ever remarrying & I need that commitment (not necessarily from HIM though - when I think of marrying him I almost have an anxiety attack). He's not marriage material in my mind... Does he love me? Probably - but it is a selfish love; he loves me because of how I make HIM feel - but I get little to nothing in return. When I try and talk to him about my needs he say I'M THE SELFISH ONE. Is it selfish to want sexual satisfaction? Is it selfish to want him to remember to pick something up at the store??? Is it selfish of me to ask him to take some responsibilty around the house other than JUST his needs? I thought that is what a relationship was about, maybe I'm confused... So, I'm fed up... last night I approached him for sex - even gave him head... first he farted under the blankets and pushed my head in there - a dutch oven he called it??? GROSS!! Then he humped me (sorry to be so blunt but that's essentially what it was) for about 20 seconds & came. After sex we were kinda horse-playing around and he got upset & slept in the other room. I warned him - he REALLY didn't wanna cause a fight right now - but he did it anyways. No regard to a woman's perception of "getting his & leaving" and how that makes a woman feel abandoned. Whelp, I think it might have been the final straw... I'm so SICK of his childish antics... I'm sick of having to take care of everything, I'm sick of having crappy sex and I"M SICK OF TALKING ABOUT IT OVER AND OVER AND OVER. The lease is up in 3 months - HE says we should just stay together, buy a condo and just live life - but I'm not sure this is a good idea. I can't IMAGINE living life this way - or am I being dumb? Maybe I should just deal with it??? Maybe this is how real life is??? He told me that since I'm a little fat girl now, that I need to just shut up and quit my because he's the best I'm gonna get (yes, I have put on a little weight lately) BUT I did just join the gym again, am eating right and WILL lose it. So whadduya think, guys? Should I stay because he IS faithful and maybe I'M being too demanding or do I run like hell??? Please, I need your input now...

[lady00]

I hardly ever jump to conclusions like this but in your case, it is obvious what you need to do: DUMP HIM. You hardly have anything positive to say about the guy...he treats you terribly. Dump him...if you are still on the lease then can you pay half the rent but move in with a friend for the time being? This relationship is not healthy...he tells you to stay with him because he's the best you can do? He's dillusional...you can do way better. The right person for you will say that they care about you and want you around, not that they're the best you can do.

[Your_Own_Disaster]

ok, this post is gonna be short as there isnt much 2 say in detail

1.your getting lame sex

2.your getting lame appreciating for who you are

3.your not getting treated right

4.he has no interest in commitment (the lack of marriage)

5.dump is lazy ar$e and find someone who likes you for who YOU are and treats YOU right... tell him your refusing 2 sleep with him again as yuo said yourself, hes lame, and that ur just gonna be room mates

 

sorry for the constant use of the word lame, the site dont let me type what i was trying to type, cr@p, sh1t, etc... stupid site lol.

[Your_Own_Disaster]

just thought id also like to mention..

 

image removed

stick a fork in me .... IM DONE!!! what an awesome phrase, advert, and title 2 your thread!!!

[Cool Lemonade]

"[...] I"M SICK OF TALKING ABOUT IT OVER AND OVER AND OVER. The lease is up in 3 months [...] I can't IMAGINE living life this way[...] Please, I need your input now..."

 

If you are feeling this way about your relationship, then end this type of relationship with him. Because you have tried on you behalf to work things out with him, but he has obviously NOT shown a sufficient amount of work that will go towards making this relationship better.

[temperamental_taurus]

Thanks for the wonderful advice... I know I deserve better than what I'm getting - I do care about him, but am beginning to realize that he's not what i'm looking for... HE says that I'm just too needy and that I am high maintenance and that I'm a perfectionist and I will never find that perfect relationship because it doesn't exist - so I should just "be happy" with what I've got...

[GettingOverIt]

so I should just "be happy" with what I've got...

 

THAT is called 'settling.' And, from what I have seen you write here, you are beyond settling... Okay, so there may not be a such thing as a 'perfect' relationship, but you certainly know when one is no where NEAR being 'perfect.' It amazes me that guys like this exist... I dunno, I mean I realize I was born 50 years too late and all, but man... Where is the respect?

 

You need to have your standards for what you expect out of a relationship and out of a potential mate... Yes, you may have to compromise a little, as will the other person, but there should be mutual respect...

 

I am glad to see that you are realizing you deserve better and yes, you can do much better....

[RayKay]

Ugh, I did not know guys like this existed outside of the stereotypical movies where there is always the obnoxious friend who acts just like your boyfriend does.

 

No, you do NOT deserve this and yes you CAN do a lot better than this chump! What is he, 10? The reason he tells you to stay as you can't do better is because it gives him control, and because he knows HE can't do better - trust me, not many women out there (and you will soon be one of them!) would put up with "20 second-no foreplay sex". He does not respect you or the relationship, and so is not deserving of your time in my opinion.

 

We are rewarded with what we demand for ourselves in life. If we convince ourself we don't deserve much - we won't get much! If we remind ourselves just how worthwhile we are, and just how we deserve what we give forth, we will be rewarded.

 

Dump the Chump!

 

That's catchy, I'll have to use it more often!

[temperamental_taurus]

He's 30 - believe it or not and I've stayed because he loves to cuddle at night, tucks me into bed every night and gives me hugs & kisses alot... but besides that we don't go anywhere (besides out to eat) or do anything. We've been together almost a year and we have NEVER gone out dancing, or out on a Friday or Saturday night. He is just fine on his computer all night (usually doing homework, but even when he's not he's still in there) What we DO do is rent movies nightly - yup every night. We also have gone on a few trips - but it's after months of frustration on my part to get us there. I feel like my prison in a 8x5 foot couch - at least I've got cable. I buy him little things (like pens, bracelets, t-shirts, etc) when I'm out shopping because I'm thinking about him - he has NEVER done that, and says I shouldn't expect gifts from him - that he doesn't need to buy my love. I take care of all of our needs - whether it's keeping track of what we need around the house, going and purchasing those needs, what appts & bills are coming due & even where everything is -OH AND all of our emotional needs as well. My cats follow me around because I love on them, give them special treats and make sure they have adaquate stimulation during the day - they pretty much ignore him because he doesn't even interact with THEM... it's all driving me crazy... he's not a BAD person, I just feel like he is not a part of this relationship - he said he doesn't want the "duties" that come along with being a husband... I don't think I'm THAT unattractive or fat... I don't get what I'm doing wrong; this is me ---> link removed

[RayKay]

You are attractive - and not at ALL fat! More so, you are going to gym and so on as you said. You have great big eyes too, very nice!

 

Your kitties by the way are also adorable - I love cats when they get baths, look like overgrown rats and just as friendly at the time too!

 

If you are not happy, and all efforts to change things have gone unrequited and ignored, I would say its time to move on. You do deserve someone who is 100% into you and the relationship.

 

P.S. Your cat(s) lost a tail...lol. Kidding.

[apollo]

Maybe this isn't a typical first post, and doesn't show me in a particularly positive light either, but about 2 years ago, I was like your boyfriend. Okay, maybe I'd have struggled to manage 12 beers a day and no man happily puts his hand in the air and says "yeah, the sex was rubbish and it was my fault", but looking at your description I do feel a certain pang of recognition.

 

What do I want to tell you? Well, obviously I can't compare directly, I can only tell you that after I let myself descend so far, that having my girlfriend leave after being together for 10 years me was the best thing that ever happened to me. Not because either of of us felt good afterwards - we didn't. Nor that we got back together. We haven't. But we both made an incredibly major step forward in our lives, despite it feeling appalling at the time. It was the only thing that finally got me to look at myself and say "whoah, sort yourself out man". And I've since learnt that it was the reason for her to learn an awful lot about herself too. I'm not trying to tell you that leaving this guy is right for you, merely about my own experience and that, with retrospect, I'm glad I got dumped because it was the only thing that actually made me sit up, look at myself in the mirror and stop the self-destructive behaviour.

 

Right, maybe I've done myself down more than is strictly deserved without any fancy dressing up of why I acted like I did (and there are always reasons). However,I suppose I just want to tell you, quite inarticulately, that breaking up with someone - whatever you feel for them - is sometimes really good for both of you.

[temperamental_taurus]

I can totally appreciate that... isn't it unfortunate that it takes losing the thing that you love to change you...??? I wanna scream "change, before it's too late!!!", but I'm afraid in this case it already is. I've heard too many promises of "I'm gonna be so good to you" yet never see it. It's so sad. What is also sad is that his previous g/f of 2 years told me that all he ever did was lie on the couch & drink - obviously losing HER didn't wake him up, I doubt losing me will either... but I guess that is not my problem to worry about anymore, God, it's going to hurt losing him because I DO LOVE HIM, and I've done all the right things - another failure on my part... does it ever stop????

[temperamental_taurus]

And totally off topic but it has been said..."When Mother Nature saw fit to remove the tail of the Manx, she left, in place of the tail, more cat." And this is SO true in my case... =)

[apollo]

isn't it unfortunate that it takes losing the thing that you love to change you...???

 

Yeah, it is. But isn't it good that we can change?

 

and obviously I'm not going to say anything about you having a large cat.

[temperamental_taurus]

LOL - I was REFERRING to the the post about my kitties losing their tails - LOL, silly boy

[RayKay]

And totally off topic but it has been said..."When Mother Nature saw fit to remove the tail of the Manx, she left, in place of the tail, more cat." And this is SO true in my case... =)

 

LOL, my cat is a whopping 18-19 lbs, if I lost her tail maybe I could get her down to....17.5..lol. But, she's all pure love..I miss her, she lives with my parents now, though I do have a 2lb bunny rabbit to keep me company, as well as a 175 pound human male.

[temperamental_taurus]

My female is on her way there, she's only 6 or 7 months old and ALREADY weighs 8 pounds... I guess there's something to be said for "Fat and Happy" cause she sure seems content !!! (and my male kitty doesn't seem to mind either)

[birdgirl]

This is close to the situation I'm in. Basically, you're wondering if you should settle. And scared because he IS faithful, and what if the next guy isn't? I know where you are because I'm there too!

 

And I just keep telling myself that I should leave now and keep looking rather than be miserable. And what if a great guy comes along, and you can't see him because you're living with this guy.

 

Oh, I feel your pain, being 28 and single with no hope of true love. At least, not anytime soon.

 

Good luck... I think you should leave, but of course, that's easy for me to say!

[birdgirl]

I don't think he'll change and I don't think mine will either. It's like they don't know HOW to be any different.

 

Mine tells me he was like this in his last three relationships. He will lose me rather than change. Or, I'll leave for a while, and things will change for a while, but they always go back to being bad!

[temperamental_taurus]

Birdgirl - hey sweetie, it sounds like we are in the same boat *hugs* to you - we both need them right now... I guess what we can hold onto as we enter into our "single life" is that at least being single they can't neglect us!!! We can focus that love for them internally and take care of ourselves for a change... spoil US!!! He's locked in the computer room, (as usual) he read this whole post while I was out at the gym... had to throw it in my face when I got home. Do you think he even CARES? Nope. No light bulb above the head - NOTHING. What dummies they are... they'll never maintain a quality relationship with anyone. But that's not our concern... As for me, we have 3 more months to go... doubtful ANYTHING will get better because he just doesn't SEE what he's doing (or not doing) - he thinks I'M just TOO needy, and I don't care what he thinks anymore. I KNOW what it should feel like, and this is not it. Their loss for sure - ah well.... Keep in touch, we can get through this!!!

[lady00]

I think you need to try to force yourself to think in terms of the long run. In the short term, breaking up will hurt but in the long run you will heal and be much happier. You will also know warning signs to look out for in future relationships so that you can get out before you get too attached to people that will not be good for you and so that you can find people who will be good to you more quickly. After the breakup, take time off to enjoy being single and to heal...the breakup is the first step to a much happier you.

[birdgirl]

Oh, YOU'RE too needy? I heard that one too!!!!

 

Funny, I'm usually the one who needs space, and my boyfriends are the ones who are complaining that I'm not affectionate enough. So if I'M asking for affection and attention and sex... there's definitely not enough in the relationship.

 

Good luck!

[temperamental_taurus]

Well, a bit of an update... So, he read this thread, like I said earlier nbd to him, then it started yet another fight - ugh, am I sick of fighting! So, I guess he got a bit bitter and said that I was unhealthy for HIM - ha ha haaaa! That he drinks because of ME and that he smokes because of ME - he's delusional. I'm the only HEALTHY thing in his life. I have tried to discuss his drinking with him before, he just gets pissed off and drinks more - I do not drink, maybe socially on occasion. Yes, I smoke - but that does NOT mean he has to. He also said I am in the way of his career goals!!! LMAO - whatever dude, I'm a Director, that's what he's striving for, I have the intelligence, ambition and work ethic that IS beneficial - I even help him with his schoolwork - JEEZERS!!! He then blames ME because I don't get along with his family... Long story with THAT one but it is due to their religion that THEY have treated ME poorly. I'm not Mormon, thus I'm an outsider, I have never really been included, spoken to, or accepted and when he and I have problems, his mother just tells him that he needs to go find "a good little Mormon girl" (as if THAT will solve all his problems???) Whateva!!! He also said that I need to learn how to take care of my man by having dinner ready when he gets home, cleaning, doing all the laundry, all the shopping etc... WTF???? I don't think so, not in MY lifetime will I ever SERVE a man. And he said my expectations of him are all over the place and it's like trying to shoot a moving target; that he could never meet my expectations - Are they so hard??? Take some responsiblity within our relationship and the house; get your drinking under control and think of ME sometimes???? That doesn't seem so hard to me - I do it everyday!!! SO - this morning (we slept in separate bedrooms) I have to wake him up for work, cause he didn't get up; I also noticed he left the front door unlocked and open; when he left for work I had to shut the window that he left open in his room, go through his path in the house shutting off all the lights he once again left on... No concern for utility bills or our personal property or protection for that matter... This guy at work who's been following my story for quite a few months now said today that my b/f is really missing the boat on this one, that he'll never stop the drinking as long as he has someone else to blame besides himself and that he has been there and lost a woman that he really loved because he was so out of touch with his feelings and that my b/f is really gonna hurt when I'm gone. I don't know about the hurt part, I truly think he THINKS what he's doing is right. A sad situation, but one that I don't want in my life. He needs help... I even said I'd go to meetings with him last night, whatever I can do to help him with his drinking - it was brushed off... it sucks to watch a person you care for slowly kill themselves... and I just can't see how, when he sits down and finishes his 12th beer of the night, that he doesn't have a moment of clarity and think Wow... ok, I MAY just have a problem here... and that maybe all this alcohol is somehow affecting my relationship, maybe, just maybe it's dulling my feelings, and bringing me down???

[GATSBY]

Run like hell......don't you deserve somoene who wants the same thing out of a relationship that you do? Don't stay because you are "comfortable" or because he doesn't cheat....ask yourself what it is you want, really want from a relationship....and is this it?

[temperamental_taurus]

Another update... on a positive note he didn't come home with beer last night and said that as long as we're together, he's not going to drink and he's going to start taking anti-depressants because when he took them before he said they made him feel better. I was so proud that he came to this decision - it made me cry. So, these are steps in the right direction!!!