5 year LDR while in the military, breaks up with me when I get out of the servic

[JohnSV]

Her and I had known each other and been friends since sophomore year of high school but never really saw each other as more than that. It all started 5 years ago, right after I had gotten back from boot camp after joining the Marines. I was on my 10 day rest period before having to leave again for some other training. Obviously hung out with all my friends during this time and a few nights before I had to leave again, a friend had a going away party for me. Now, of course, there was alcohol involved and one thing led to another and all of sudden, her and I were on the couch, getting pretty intimate. Anyways, the next morning comes around and we wake up together of course but don't really say much about it. Later that night all my friends and I hang out again and then eventually comes time to drop everyone off again. I left her for last and as we got to her place we talked about the night prior and how despite the circumstances, we both had a new feeling for each other. We kiss and what not and call it a night. Fast forward to me arriving to my training, before I had to secure my phone, I shot her a text telling her that I'd like to continue talking. We don't really talk about how it would work out being a LDR but we continue and eventually make our relationship "official." As we go on, periodically I would visit home (Florida) and she would come to California (where I was stationed), sometimes for long for long periods of time, sometimes even quitting jobs completely to spend time with me which I admit was selfish of me to allow her to do that. Everything felt pretty great, when we weren't with each other, we would pretty much Skype or FaceTime everyday. Despite the distance and missing each other cause of it, things seemed amazing. We eventually starting discussing potentials of maybe marriage and moving together, which I enjoyed but in hindsight, I see now that I would always be scared to actually follow through. Around our 3 year mark when I had come home from a deployment overseas, we had some big issues happen, including a big fallout between her and my mother because we had proposed the idea of moving together to California and my mother disagreed. I know it wasn't my mothers decision to make but between all that and my own scared feelings of it, i decided to not do the move anymore. I see now, that it was entirely immature of me to allow myself to be swayed out of this decision and totally unfair to my girlfriend at the time. Regardless, her and I talked through it and once again, she quit a job to come out and spend time with me. We were staying at a friends house that knew our situation and was fine with us staying in their spare bedroom without paying anything. Eventually my girlfriend even started applying for jobs in the area, and I wasn't against the idea. Unfortunately none of them worked out and my friends circumstances changed which meant we had to leave. Between hotels and staying in my barracks room on base, we lived but it was rough on my single Marine paycheck in San Diego(when married in the military, you recieve extra living expenses money making it possible to survive if you're smart). She low key, joked about marriage but she probably meant it, and I as usual was scared. I love her with all my heart and I don't really know what it was that scared me. After a little over two months, we decided that she should move back to Florida. Didn't make either of us too happy but the money was running short and it was no way to live. She eventually started going back to college and got a work study at her school and seemed pretty happy. Everything was going as normal as our relationship had been, other than the tension between her and my mother. We had a little situation when it came time for the Marine Corps Birthday Ball, where she essentially bailed on me, the day prior to the ball itself but it was for school reasons so I couldn't stay upset for too long. Also a little after that, a trip to Key West came up with her new co-workers that I didn't know. I didn't like the idea of it, as it was her and one other girl and 3 guys but I wasn't gonna be immature about it so she made the trip. During the trip, I only heard from her maybe 3 times during the course of like 4 days which I wasn't used to her from her so I got agitated. She eventually apologized and we moved on. I eventually came home for the holidays and I had to now divide my time between her and my mother cause she didn't want to deal with the moving to California situation that happened in the beginning of the year. Made things awkward and tense for me but I was willing to do it. Also, it was around the time for me to decide whether or not I was going to continue my military career or not as I was coming close to the end of my 5 year contract. I knew that I didn't want to continue and retire but I had the opportunity to extend my contract for another year and go on another deployment with my unit before leaving the Marines for good. I was on the fence about it and I asked everyone, but at the end of the day, I really wanted to know my girlfriend's thoughts. We talked about how it was definitely a good idea financially and there I almost decided that I would suck it up and go through with it but then we thought some more and decided that we didn't want to spend more time away from each other so I said I would just get out of the service when my contract was up. One day, after I had spent the night at her place, I was waiting for her to get back from dropping off her sister at work so I was bored and her laptop was there and I decided to go through her pictures. As I'm scrolling through, I stumble upon pictures from the key west trip and run into one that was not posted on social media. It was of her sitting on the lap of one of her male co-workers with his arm around her. Now, I know some people take these things differently but I was infuriated, seeing as I already didn't like the trip. We talked about it, and she apologized and said that shouldn't have happened, blah, blah, blah. She told me she wouldn't hang out with them anymore or very little but I simply said that I just want her to meet me halfway here, that I just wanted her to work with me and not do stuff like that. At the end of the day, I try not to be controlling and if I told her not to, she still could and there was nothing I could do about it while I wasn't there. So eventually I leave again to California for my last 8 months in the service. Our relationship goes on, she hangs out with her co-workers and I can't help but be bitter about it all. I'm very passive-aggressive unfortunately so I show my dislike indirectly. We talk about it a few times, and I tell her that I'm sorry and I can't help it and she says it's fine and we move on. About 4 months out from me getting out, she tells me she wants to have a serious conversation with me. She tells me that she's nervous about me coming home and how that will change our relationship and what not. Now, I'll admit, im terrible at expressing myself so I'm quiet during most of the conversation. I tell her that between, all the things that had happened, I knew things would be different and that it wouldn't come without its negatives. This being my first long relationship by far, this was all first time experience for me but I figured that much. Nothing too direct came of the conversation and I just told her that we could work through all that and then our relationship continued. Everything was fine and than about a month before I was due to get out of the service and come home, she tells me she wants to have another conversation. This time however she tells me that she's scared that it's gonna change things between us but I tell her to tell me. It goes along the same path as the last conversation except, this time, she tells me that she's not sure if she wants to be in a relationship anymore. That hit me really hard, like I've felt some pain before but this was different. It wasn't something that just stopped hurting eventually. This pain latched on to my chest and I was in this constant sinking feeling. This was someone I loved with the entirety of my being and to be hearing this was killing me. Now, she didn't give me a direct answer and we both just cried over skype. We both eventually both went silent. We had always had the habit of falling asleep while skyping each other to give each other the feeling that we were there with each other, and that night, nothing changed so we went to sleep, watching each other. This happened on a Friday and over the course of the weekend, we kinda just did some small talk and didn't really talk about that conversation at all. I hadn't told her, but for the first time in my life, I was deeply depressed. The following Monday, I decided to bring it up and I asked her, "What are we now?" To which she replied, that she wanted to think more and didn't want to make any certain decision there and then. So over the course of that month we continue to text and skype and fall asleep skyping each other, telling each other that we loved one another but you could tell it wasn't the same. The weekend of the week that I was due out of the service, she didn't text me at all or communicate with me. I let it be, and she eventually texted me saying she was sorry, that she just needed time, that it was selfish of her not to tell me. She also said that it was almost time for me to be home and that she still didn't know. I told her that I understood, and asked if she needed more time. She simply replied that she thought she did need more. I then told her that if that's what she wanted, I would let her be and give her the time she wanted. I told her I loved her and goodnight. I was set on not contacting her at all and then the very following night she texted me and was asking me about how my process was gonna be with actually leaving the service and then starting my trip back home as I was driving back from California. She told me that she hopes that between the stuff I had going on that morning and her school and work schedule, that we would be able to see each other through skype or FaceTime. So the following morning, I did all the paperwork necessary to exit the service and ran my final errands in San Diego and was able to speak to her through FaceTime on my phone. I told her about my morning and she told me about class. It came time for her to go into work and we told each other that we loved each other. She told me to drive safe and to call her in case I started getting tired or something. So I begin my trip across the country, but before I headed home, I planned on driving to Connecticut for a week or so to visit my father. So over the course of the trip we talk and text and still told each other that we loved each other and all that. She would tell me to make sure I would text her when I got to a stopping point to sleep so that she knew I was safe. I get to Connecticut and spend roughly a week there, and whilst, still communicating with each other. I then make the trip down to Florida and got here late Thursday night/technically Friday morning of last week. That Friday, we are texting and she asks me if she can come over to which I reply yes. She gets here and I really don't know how to greet her but she leans in for the kiss and of course kiss her. We go into my place and get on my bed and we lay next to each other while every once in a while caressing each other softly. We start talking about my drive and her week at school and work and then she helps me submit my application online for college seeing as she works there and knows all about it. After we do that, she tells me that she knew we were having a good time there but that she didn't want to drag it on anymore. So we start talking about our situation, and she breaks down and tells me that she just doesn't think she wants a relationship now. I ask her if she really wanted that and she simply nods her head. Once again, I feel this sharp pain in my chest, and I fight to hold the tears back as best as I possibly can but I eventually lose that fight. I lay there on my bed, quietly, glancing at her and then staring at the ceiling. I asked her, "What changed and what happened to us?" To which she says that she just started thinking differently and that she doesn't know if she wants to carry the burden of someone else's emotions. I asked her if she had found something new, referring to someone and she told me no. That she still loved me and kept referring to me as "baby" which I hadn't heard since a month prior when all that had really started. She told me that it didn't mean that we wouldn't be together a month from now or year from now, that just at the moment she couldn't handle it. She also told me that she knew that we were so used to talking to each other and that she didn't want to lose me but that she respected if I needed time to myself. She said that if I wanted to talk about it more, that she would be more then willing. She said she didn't want me to feel like there was something else to the situation and I asked her how else I was supposed to feel then? She told me that it was alright to be confused and angry. I honestly want to be angry to help me cope with this but I couldn't with her. I even told her that I think she was the only person that I just couldn't really stay angry with. The she smiled but broke down more and I sat up and held her in my arms and then she really started balling up, saying she was sorry. Even in this situation, I couldn't help but comfort her, and I kissed her forehead. Eventually she calmed a little and she had to go run some errands. As we got up and started walking towards the door, I don't know why, but I asked her if I could kiss her one last time. She simply leaned in and we kissed for a good while, very passionately. We stopped and told each other that we loved one another once again. I walked her out to her car and before she got in, she leaned in for a kiss again and so of course we kissed a few more times before she left. I told her to text me when she got to her destination so I knew she was safe since she had just been very emotional and was worried about her driving and she said she would. Hours passed by without anything and I finally caved and asked her if she was good through text. She told me that she was and appreciated that I had checked up on her. Then she eventually texted me goodnight and that was the end of that. We texted each other the next day a few times but since then had had no communication. I understand that she needs her space as well and have read about the no contact rule but with that happening and all of the other factors of life weighing down on me with just having got out of the military, I'm having a really rough time. I'm sorry this is soo long but I needed to vent and kind of explain some back story. Hopefully I can get some advice. Thank you.

[DancingFool]

Could you please break up the wall of text into paragraphs? You might get more responses that way.

[JohnSV]

Her and I had known each other and been friends since sophomore year of high school but never really saw each other as more than that. It all started 5 years ago, right after I had gotten back from boot camp after joining the Marines. I was on my 10 day rest period before having to leave again for some other training. Obviously hung out with all my friends during this time and a few nights before I had to leave again, a friend had a going away party for me. Now, of course, there was alcohol involved and one thing led to another and all of sudden, her and I were on the couch, getting pretty intimate. Anyways, the next morning comes around and we wake up together of course but don't really say much about it. Later that night all my friends and I hang out again and then eventually comes time to drop everyone off again. I left her for last and as we got to her place we talked about the night prior and how despite the circumstances, we both had a new feeling for each other. We kiss and what not and call it a night.

 

Fast forward to me arriving to my training, before I had to secure my phone, I shot her a text telling her that I'd like to continue talking. We don't really talk about how it would work out being a LDR but we continue and eventually make our relationship "official." As we go on, periodically I would visit home (Florida) and she would come to California (where I was stationed), sometimes for long for long periods of time, sometimes even quitting jobs completely to spend time with me which I admit was selfish of me to allow her to do that. Everything felt pretty great, when we weren't with each other, we would pretty much Skype or FaceTime everyday. Despite the distance and missing each other cause of it, things seemed amazing. We eventually starting discussing potentials of maybe marriage and moving together, which I enjoyed but in hindsight, I see now that I would always be scared to actually follow through.

 

 

Around our 3 year mark when I had come home from a deployment overseas, we had some big issues happen, including a big fallout between her and my mother because we had proposed the idea of moving together to California and my mother disagreed. I know it wasn't my mothers decision to make but between all that and my own scared feelings of it, i decided to not do the move anymore. I see now, that it was entirely immature of me to allow myself to be swayed out of this decision and totally unfair to my girlfriend at the time. Regardless, her and I talked through it and once again, she quit a job to come out and spend time with me. We were staying at a friends house that knew our situation and was fine with us staying in their spare bedroom without paying anything. Eventually my girlfriend even started applying for jobs in the area, and I wasn't against the idea. Unfortunately none of them worked out and my friends circumstances changed which meant we had to leave. Between hotels and staying in my barracks room on base, we lived but it was rough on my single Marine paycheck in San Diego(when married in the military, you recieve extra living expenses money making it possible to survive if you're smart). She low key, joked about marriage but she probably meant it, and I as usual was scared. I love her with all my heart and I don't really know what it was that scared me. After a little over two months, we decided that she should move back to Florida. Didn't make either of us too happy but the money was running short and it was no way to live.

 

She eventually started going back to college and got a work study at her school and seemed pretty happy. Everything was going as normal as our relationship had been, other than the tension between her and my mother. We had a little situation when it came time for the Marine Corps Birthday Ball, where she essentially bailed on me, the day prior to the ball itself but it was for school reasons so I couldn't stay upset for too long. Also a little after that, a trip to Key West came up with her new co-workers that I didn't know. I didn't like the idea of it, as it was her and one other girl and 3 guys but I wasn't gonna be immature about it so she made the trip. During the trip, I only heard from her maybe 3 times during the course of like 4 days which I wasn't used to her from her so I got agitated. She eventually apologized and we moved on.

 

I eventually came home for the holidays and I had to now divide my time between her and my mother cause she didn't want to deal with the moving to California situation that happened in the beginning of the year. Made things awkward and tense for me but I was willing to do it. Also, it was around the time for me to decide whether or not I was going to continue my military career or not as I was coming close to the end of my 5 year contract. I knew that I didn't want to continue and retire but I had the opportunity to extend my contract for another year and go on another deployment with my unit before leaving the Marines for good. I was on the fence about it and I asked everyone, but at the end of the day, I really wanted to know my girlfriend's thoughts. We talked about how it was definitely a good idea financially and there I almost decided that I would suck it up and go through with it but then we thought some more and decided that we didn't want to spend more time away from each other so I said I would just get out of the service when my contract was up. One day, after I had spent the night at her place, I was waiting for her to get back from dropping off her sister at work so I was bored and her laptop was there and I decided to go through her pictures. As I'm scrolling through, I stumble upon pictures from the key west trip and run into one that was not posted on social media. It was of her sitting on the lap of one of her male co-workers with his arm around her. Now, I know some people take these things differently but I was infuriated, seeing as I already didn't like the trip. We talked about it, and she apologized and said that shouldn't have happened, blah, blah, blah. She told me she wouldn't hang out with them anymore or very little but I simply said that I just want her to meet me halfway here, that I just wanted her to work with me and not do stuff like that. At the end of the day, I try not to be controlling and if I told her not to, she still could and there was nothing I could do about it while I wasn't there.

 

So eventually I leave again to California for my last 8 months in the service. Our relationship goes on, she hangs out with her co-workers and I can't help but be bitter about it all. I'm very passive-aggressive unfortunately so I show my dislike indirectly. We talk about it a few times, and I tell her that I'm sorry and I can't help it and she says it's fine and we move on. About 4 months out from me getting out, she tells me she wants to have a serious conversation with me. She tells me that she's nervous about me coming home and how that will change our relationship and what not. Now, I'll admit, im terrible at expressing myself so I'm quiet during most of the conversation. I tell her that between, all the things that had happened, I knew things would be different and that it wouldn't come without its negatives. This being my first long relationship by far, this was all first time experience for me but I figured that much. Nothing too direct came of the conversation and I just told her that we could work through all that and then our relationship continued.

 

Everything was fine and than about a month before I was due to get out of the service and come home, she tells me she wants to have another conversation. This time however she tells me that she's scared that it's gonna change things between us but I tell her to tell me. It goes along the same path as the last conversation except, this time, she tells me that she's not sure if she wants to be in a relationship anymore. That hit me really hard, like I've felt some pain before but this was different. It wasn't something that just stopped hurting eventually. This pain latched on to my chest and I was in this constant sinking feeling. This was someone I loved with the entirety of my being and to be hearing this was killing me. Now, she didn't give me a direct answer and we both just cried over skype. We both eventually both went silent. We had always had the habit of falling asleep while skyping each other to give each other the feeling that we were there with each other, and that night, nothing changed so we went to sleep, watching each other.

 

This happened on a Friday and over the course of the weekend, we kinda just did some small talk and didn't really talk about that conversation at all. I hadn't told her, but for the first time in my life, I was deeply depressed. The following Monday, I decided to bring it up and I asked her, "What are we now?" To which she replied, that she wanted to think more and didn't want to make any certain decision there and then. So over the course of that month we continue to text and skype and fall asleep skyping each other, telling each other that we loved one another but you could tell it wasn't the same.

 

The weekend of the week that I was due out of the service, she didn't text me at all or communicate with me. I let it be, and she eventually texted me saying she was sorry, that she just needed time, that it was selfish of her not to tell me. She also said that it was almost time for me to be home and that she still didn't know. I told her that I understood, and asked if she needed more time. She simply replied that she thought she did need more. I then told her that if that's what she wanted, I would let her be and give her the time she wanted. I told her I loved her and goodnight. I was set on not contacting her at all and then the very following night she texted me and was asking me about how my process was gonna be with actually leaving the service and then starting my trip back home as I was driving back from California. She told me that she hopes that between the stuff I had going on that morning and her school and work schedule, that we would be able to see each other through skype or FaceTime. So the following morning, I did all the paperwork necessary to exit the service and ran my final errands in San Diego and was able to speak to her through FaceTime on my phone. I told her about my morning and she told me about class. It came time for her to go into work and we told each other that we loved each other. She told me to drive safe and to call her in case I started getting tired or something.

 

So I begin my trip across the country, but before I headed home, I planned on driving to Connecticut for a week or so to visit my father. So over the course of the trip we talk and text and still told each other that we loved each other and all that. She would tell me to make sure I would text her when I got to a stopping point to sleep so that she knew I was safe. I get to Connecticut and spend roughly a week there, and whilst, still communicating with each other. I then make the trip down to Florida and got here late Thursday night/technically Friday morning of last week.

 

That Friday, we are texting and she asks me if she can come over to which I reply yes. She gets here and I really don't know how to greet her but she leans in for the kiss and of course kiss her. We go into my place and get on my bed and we lay next to each other while every once in a while caressing each other softly. We start talking about my drive and her week at school and work and then she helps me submit my application online for college seeing as she works there and knows all about it.

 

 

After we do that, she tells me that she knew we were having a good time there but that she didn't want to drag it on anymore. So we start talking about our situation, and she breaks down and tells me that she just doesn't think she wants a relationship now. I ask her if she really wanted that and she simply nods her head. Once again, I feel this sharp pain in my chest, and I fight to hold the tears back as best as I possibly can but I eventually lose that fight. I lay there on my bed, quietly, glancing at her and then staring at the ceiling. I asked her, "What changed and what happened to us?" To which she says that she just started thinking differently and that she doesn't know if she wants to carry the burden of someone else's emotions. I asked her if she had found something new, referring to someone and she told me no. That she still loved me and kept referring to me as "baby" which I hadn't heard since a month prior when all that had really started. She told me that it didn't mean that we wouldn't be together a month from now or year from now, that just at the moment she couldn't handle it. She also told me that she knew that we were so used to talking to each other and that she didn't want to lose me but that she respected if I needed time to myself. She said that if I wanted to talk about it more, that she would be more then willing. She said she didn't want me to feel like there was something else to the situation and I asked her how else I was supposed to feel then? She told me that it was alright to be confused and angry. I honestly want to be angry to help me cope with this but I couldn't with her. I even told her that I think she was the only person that I just couldn't really stay angry with. The she smiled but broke down more and I sat up and held her in my arms and then she really started balling up, saying she was sorry. Even in this situation, I couldn't help but comfort her, and I kissed her forehead. Eventually she calmed a little and she had to go run some errands. As we got up and started walking towards the door, I don't know why, but I asked her if I could kiss her one last time. She simply leaned in and we kissed for a good while, very passionately. We stopped and told each other that we loved one another once again. I walked her out to her car and before she got in, she leaned in for a kiss again and so of course we kissed a few more times before she left. I told her to text me when she got to her destination so I knew she was safe since she had just been very emotional and was worried about her driving and she said she would. Hours passed by without anything and I finally caved and asked her if she was good through text. She told me that she was and appreciated that I had checked up on her. Then she eventually texted me goodnight and that was the end of that. We texted each other the next day a few times but since then had had no communication. I understand that she needs her space as well and have read about the no contact rule but with that happening and all of the other factors of life weighing down on me with just having got out of the military, I'm having a really rough time. I'm sorry this is soo long but I needed to vent and kind of explain some back story. Hopefully I can get some advice. Thank you.

[JohnSV]

Alright, sorry it's long. I kinda split it up as best as I could. Hopefully that helps.

[happyfrank]

Actions speak louder than words. She got tired of LDR. She wanted to be married with you. A person can only take LDR so much until it's too much. She reached her limit. If you really want to be with her forever get her a rock. She will either say yes or no. Their is a good chance she will say yes. If she doesn't. Move on with your life devil dog. You tired. That's all that matters.

[DancingFool]

Seems like it was kind of loose existence without an end goal or a purpose and she got tired of it as most women would.

I think you nailed it on the head yourself - should have proposed, should have committed to building a life together even if it's military and deployments and time apart. Instead, she would quit jobs to see you, you guys would couch surf at friend's places. It's an existence and may even be fun for a bit, but ultimately people grow up and move on from that. I think she has done just that - gone back to college, realized that floating from job to job with a bf who may or may not be around and who isn't proposing is not a life that she wants to have.

 

Kind of agree with the above poster that your last shot is showing up with that shiny rock and committing. It may work, it may not. She may have checked out a long time ago already. Unfortunately, when you are being dumped, it seems sudden and is. The person who is doing the dumping has been coming to terms with the idea for quite some time.