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Marriage Crisis.... I am dead worried

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My wife is smart, feminine, adventurous yet stubborn and rebellious. I am the stable, responsible, stubborn

and less expressive type. We are very committed to each other since the beginning and got married 6 months

ago. We have personalities which are complimentatory, rather than contradicting. The last 4 years was great

despite occasional gentle fight. Since last year, she was very busy with her work and under a lot of stress. I

didn't know she needed a lot of my support like giving her more hugs and taking care of more things at home.

Meanwhile, I was upset with my own job and felt that she's losing focus for our home and marriage. I kept the

feelings to myself and made silent judgements.


3 weeks ago, her anger erupted. She cried that she has been giving so much until she's dried up. She started

comparing me with her ex-BFs, complain about what I didn't do(totally ignored what I did do). The fight ended

with me giving in instead of arguing. But, she don't call/email me anymore. Neither does she respond to mine.

She's not keen in dinner or activities of any sort with me. She either work late or join her colleagues for drinks.

Then, she suggested moving out as she felt that my presense at home is a pressure to her. Thus, when she

was on business trip, I moved out. Now she's at home but she suggested she moved out as it is not fair to me.


3 weeks has passed, she has calm down alot but she still do not want to meet me. She hardly respond to

my email/sms. We do meet over the weekend at home and went for friend's party when invited. But she do not

want me to hold her hands and kiss her except her cheek after I "pleaded" with her. We do talk but I still can

sense lack of warmth. For the last 3 weeks, I've been showering her with endless love, care and gentleness. I

did not stress her to talk about those problems but just chat with her about day to day stuff. We cooked dinner

last weekend though and things are softening slowly.


I'm very worried abou the final outcome although we've never mentioned a word about "divorce". She is just so

indifferent nowadays esp during weekdays when her work is so stressful. I sent flowers to her office yesterday

but she did not respond anything. However, when I called her up she thanked me and commented that the flowers

was beautiful. I am really lost about what's in her mind. Yet, I can't do much because we hardly meet. She said she

needed time to find herself and be happy again. Yet, I am so worried that her happiness is found in bad companies

or another man. She told me that it may takes weeks or months for her to be ready to accept me home.


I am living in anxiety everyda. I love her a lot, I still do and I didn't blame her for her actions that hurt me so much.

I know I was not as attentive or gentle as I used to be but I've always wanted to be a good husband for her. I believe

her work has also made her relationship stress too overwhelming and thus she broke down. It's half my fault and

half her work I guessed.


To all the readers, ladies esp, I need your help... How can I win her back without stressing her? What's in her

mind really? What she mean by finding herself again? What is the chance of restoring this marriage?


Any useful material or advice is appreciated!

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Dear seowcc,


I can most certainly empathize with your situation.


Let me start by saying that I may not have the answer, but, on the other hand, the feedback I have for you may guide you into how to make the best solution possible that fits your needs.


The first feeling I picked up is a general lack of communication between you and your wife while you were living together. I am sure that, that was of no intentinal doing, I think it just happens inheritently. The bottom line is that men and women see the world very different... we have different thought processes and we have different motivations, and when we assume too much on either side, we create misunderstandings and "false" ideas. What makes that yet even worse it that our own perceptions are "our" realities. (right or wrong, intentional or not) There are many books about communication and gender roles that really examine these ideas. The cheap two cent version is such:


Women generally feel the need to be care takers. That need compounded by working really is a very difficult balance because work provides validation, but work never ends. We have an office job, and come home to more work. However, because working outisde the home can often contribute to our own self worth, our work outside the home is important. When we come home, we want to talk about the things that make us feel valuable.


Balancing both home and outside work is hard. Many women feel it is there duty to do both, and do both @ 150%. Women are looking for help, support, and a listenting ear. (answers are not always needed, sometimes it really is just about venting)


Men inhertenity want to be providers. That providing though, often leads coversations from less of a peer, to more of a father.


While I cannot be 100% sure, my best educated guess is that somehow, your wife got the idea, that the thing that validates her was underminded or belittled. And if that is the case, I am sure it was not intentional.


My boyfriend and I struggle with this often... Great example:


Me: I had a really bad day at work today


He: What happened?


Me: Well this, that and the next.


He: Well do this...


Me: (thinking: he does he think he is.... I just wanted support and a hug and he providing answers because he apparently thinks he could handle things better.... I am so tired of talking to him about work... my friends/co-workers understand me better.... that's it, that's the last time I share...)


What did my boyfriend do: Nothing

What did I do: assumed things

What happened: communication broke down, I walked away mad and feeling invalidated, he walked away thinking I am glad I helped her.)


Again, I do not claim experert status, but I think you would be very surprised to learn how gender roles, assumptions and misunderstandings, can lead to un-needed heart ache.


My advise: don't repeat to her what I just shared... she doesn't want to feel like she is being examined.


Instead, try to find ways to be supportive that validate her, learn how to work around gender roles so help your communication, show her validation. A simple how is work, wow, I don't know how you do it all... may mean more then flowers.


I know its crazy, and I would love to chat more because Its hard to type all I wish to articualte.


I wish you the best of luck.... I know you adore and value your wife... communicating that is a way WOMEN understand could make a big difference.


Best of luck, if you would like to chat, please feel free to IM me.



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