i don't know what to do!!

[clairelouise11]

hi everyone

i've posted a couple things on here about this really but i guess i just need to get this out to someone!

been living with NZ boyfriend for a year now quite happily till a month ago when he blurted out that he wasn't happy and where is our relationship going? and he never gets time to himself, but he was under quite a bit of stress at the time and he said he felt better for just gettin it out

i'm giving him more time to himself now, doing a few things on my own but things don't seem as good as before, he doesn't seem as close (unless thats just me being paranoid)

he's talked about going home and building a house, before i used to sit with him and look at houses in NZ but lately he's been sitting on his own or looking on the computer when i'm not home

i'm 30 and he's 26, he hasn't been happy in his job and has been a bit miserable the last few weeks anyway with winter and everything (he works in farming)

so what do i do, i want to ask him if he see's us with a future together or will that scare him off thinking that i want too much, am i just looking to him for some security as i feel uncertain, should i sort my own security problens out without relying on him to do it, is a year too short to be asking him things about committment, should i just be happy go lucky and let things happen as they happen, i'm so mixed up! it's his first real relationship and mine too really.

[passions1]

It is important that the both of you work out your issues or concerns by approaching one another & not gossiping it to your friends. Otherwise your friends will get a bias perception of your bf. It's a good thing that he let you know how he is feeling & that he is questioning as to where the both of you are heading towards? It didn't sound like you answered his question, which he needed to hear to comfort him, sometimes the unknown can be very scary to some people. The fact that he is under alot of pressure from work & doesn't like it, he may seem different than he is used to & just has to have be by himself at times to sort out himself without your presense. You do need to find out why he isn't happy? There is no need to nag him at this point, but you don't want to act like everything is perfectly okay. However, it is critical that when the topic comes up of where you 2 are going, then it needs be addressed right then & there & see how he responds. Communication & understanding is critical for both partners in order for the relationship to survive. You would want to be able to speak up or turn to your partner during the tough times as well.

[ShinyFairyLights]

I agree with passions1, you should be able to talk to him about this sort of thing. Sitting there, just wondering how he's feeling, what's going on, isn't any way to live. You'll stress out and make yourself feel even worse.

 

If you think you would honestly scare him off with that sort of talk, and you don't bring it up, what's going to happen a month from now if he doesn't change the behavior? Six months? A year?

 

It'll make you miserable, especially since you think you aren't making him happy. I really do think you should talk to him about it, open communication is a good thing. Especially if you've been giving him space. I kinda think if you are in a committed relationship you should be able to turn to your partner no matter what, if your stressed, hating your job, etc.

 

If you do talk to him, just stress this doesn't mean you want a ring on your finger right at this moment, or even in a specific time. Just tell him how you've been feeling, how's he's been acting and what it looks like to you.

 

You do have a right to know, because you shouldn't be miserable and sit there, worrying, over something that could be cleared up with just a straight forward talk.

 

Whatever you decide to do, I hope everything gets better for you!!

[OceanEyes]

Hi Claire,

 

I remember a couple of your previous posts that dealt with the same issue. I am guessing that things haven't gotten better in this area? It doesn't seem like much has changed here since the last time you posted. The last I remember, was that he said that he "hadn't thought" about where your relationship was going, and that you had been trying to give him more time and space to himself by busying yourself more during the week. How have things gone since that point?

 

he's talked about going home and building a house, before i used to sit with him and look at houses in NZ but lately he's been sitting on his own or looking on the computer when i'm not home

 

I can actually relate to his situation. And while it's not easy, I do find ways of dealing with the loneliness and occasional depression that go hand-in-hand with homesickness.

 

I'm curious about a few things:

 

1. Is he as affectionate as he used to be? Do you still find time for conversation and 'connection' as you used to?

 

2. Does he keep himself closed off to you most of the time, or start little arguments for you for no reason?

 

3. What has changed in his personality since when you first met him?

 

I guess I'm just trying to figure out whether or not the core values of your relationship are still intact, and that he truly is, just homesick and going through some kind of depression. If what's important is still there, then you may just need to back off a bit and let it run it's course. I'm saying this out of personal experience, and being away from home. There have been times that I've almost gone out of my mind, and really missed home.

 

From what I can remember, you already asked him about the status of your relationship, and he didn't really give you a solid answer. I'm sorry to say, but this usually isn't a good sign. Most people who are satisfied and happy in relationships will not hesitate to reassure the other person if asked to do so. Wouldn't you, if he asked you where you saw the relationship?

[clairelouise11]

well i think you might be right about the homesick/depression thing actually

last night we both had a bit to drink and we got home and a few things came up

his mother not long ago had a car crash back in NZ, she's ok, just some whiplash but i didn't realise that it has affected him so much

he told me that is was his worst nightmare come true and was always something that he worried about happening and that she could easily have died, he said he might go and spend some time at home

later on he said "yesterday i could have easily sent you away and wouldn't have thought anything of it but today i wouldn't change a thing"

in answer to your q yes he has changed a bit over the last few weeks, not so affectionate with me but we still sit and talk generally a lot, i mean he isn't off with me or anything

he doesn't start arguments or anything like that

i think he's growing up a lot too and since we've been together he's progressed a lot in his life and proved himself in a few ways so he's growing as a person and probably really mixed up or something

hope this helps you, thanks for any more advice/ideas you could give

i want to sit down and chat about 'us' but i'm really worried about putting the extra pressure on about it when he's obviously already messed up about home and his family

[clairelouise11]

well i spoke to a friend of ours over the weekend and he told me that my other half is really really homesick. he said its nothing to do with me.

well i feel a little better but not a lot as i still don't know what our future holds for us.

my friend said to just be cherpy and myself, have some fun with him and don't put any pressure on him, so i am, i'm not mentioning his home or family or anything.

he said he's planning to go back there after the summer and he has mentioned about building a house, i'm worried this means he's going for good but it could mean for an investment as property over there is soaring at the moment.

am i mad just to wait to see what happens or will the support i'm giving him by not asking questions pay off in the long run. my friend thinks that if i demand an answer as to where we're going from him he'll just turn round and say sod ya as it's hassle he doesn't want at the moment.