Trying to Heal - Needing Support

[samoore727]

I discovered my husband's affair December 2004. Found an odd e-mail address with his name in it on our home PC. Cracked the password and discovered e-mails and e-mail love cards from some woman. Talk about being thrown for a loop. I had no idea this was going on. To make matters worse, I later discovered this "other woman" was a friend of mine.

 

My husband has promised to never communicate with this woman again, and he is trying to make things better. I'm just having a hard time learning to trust him again. Can anyone offer some support or advice on ways of learning to forgive, forget, and move forward?

 

From: Dazed in Florida.....

[Prosper]

Hi Pal,

 

To forget and forgive is to accept his mistake, take an eraser and rub it off and says it doesnt exist. You can forget about that.

 

If you want to forgive, you tell yourself this, ' i know he did a big wrong onto me. But it let go because i want the pain to work it out. If i love him, and he was at least once happy with her before, i had loved him and let him go before. For love is to give and not to be taken. And now he is back with me, it is proven our love is meant to be'

[annie24]

I'm so sorry to hear about this - it really must have thrown you for a loop. Have you two considered going to marital counseling for a while, to work on fixing trust issues and all that? i think it would really help. Best of luck to you both!

[tanned_production]

I'm really sorry to hear about that... must have broken your heart

 

I agree with annie... counselling will definitely help, they can help you rebuild trust.

 

As for forgiving and forgetting... it wont be that simple, but trust that he won't do it again. I assume you want to rebuild your trust in him... but in order for that to happen, you need a little bit there to begin with.

 

we're all here for you, good luck.

[samoore727]

Hi Pal,

 

To forget and forgive is to accept his mistake, take an eraser and rub it off and says it doesnt exist. You can forget about that.

 

If you want to forgive, you tell yourself this, ' i know he did a big wrong onto me. But it let go because i want the pain to work it out. If i love him, and he was at least once happy with her before, i had loved him and let him go before. For love is to give and not to be taken. And now he is back with me, it is proven our love is meant to be'

 

Thanks for your reply. It helps just to know that maybe somewhere out there, is someone who can relate to what I'm dealing with. I think the hardest part for me is that the other woman was a friend of mine. I have tried counseling - didn't get much help.

 

My husband has promised not to communicate with her anymore, but I just feel like I'm waiting for him to hurt me all over again. I can't understand how anyone can profess their "undying love" but then hurt you so profoundly. It just doesn't make any sense. I have ordered some books on forgiveness and plan to pour over them when they arrive.

 

I pray for peace and understanding in my heart. Hope I can someday achieve that.......

[annie24]

I mean, did you BOTH go to counseling? It's more than just you being willing to forgive him. HE needs to make active changes in his life and relationship with you. Only then can you start building up that trust again.

[Prosper]

You will achieve that. You can survive the pain. And you will.

 

Thats hard to accept that kind of undying love.

 

But men are funny creatures, they know they would hurt you by saying they have an affair with someone, they just rather not say it, and none of anything that hurts you.

Thats their way of undying love.

 

You may oftenly feel that something will pop out, more truths to come, more unexpected nasty shocks, etc. Just remember, if it had been a day i had found truth, there would be a day like this one too, why worry?

 

Prepare for more heartbreaks to come, at least you know you know you have a heart and trusted him once, and that once is enough.

[Catlib]

I am dealing with the same issue right now- found emails etc that clearly showed an affair. The trust is broken and I am trying to rebuild it - we are in counseling and it has been slow but we are making progress. He admitted to emotional affairs and keeps telling me no physical stuff but I just don't believe him. But that is at this point not even the issue anymore for me. He has been trying to be a better person. Things have improved (we have been together for 18 years now) - I want to earnestly work on it. But I continue to have a real struggle with trusting again. There is a book my own therapist recommended and I liked it. My husband refused to read it because he did not consider it an affair - he calls it: boundary issues!!! Anyway, there is some helpful stuff in it - I thought. It is called "After the Affair" by Janis Spring.

[samoore727]

Wow. Sounds just like my situation. First I discovered the e-mail thing. Then I finally got to review the cell phones bills, and realized why I had never been given the opportunity to see them.

 

My husband says the same thing, there was nothing physical. But the OW's e-mails didn't seem to fit that description: "I think about you a thousand times a day. I can't wait until we can be together again. I know it's wrong, but I can't help myself. I love you". That doesn't sound like "friendship" to me.

 

I'm trying to learn to trust him again. I'm just not the kind of person who wants to keep going through the pain over and over. I care more about myself than to allow him to keep hurting me and causing me emotional trauma. He says he made a terrible mistake, and he says he is willing to spend the rest of his life trying to regain my trust. I realize he truly means this right now. He just doesn't have a very good track record for following through, and that disturbs me greatly. But I love him, and I want what is best for my child, so I'm willing to give him this one last chance to make things right. I did tell him this was his very last opportunity. I hope he believes me because I really mean it this time.

 

Good luck in your relationship. I hope things work out for you. I'm here if you ever need anyone to talk to.

[Julie2004]

Samoore - I can't personally relate, but I have a good friend of mine that can. I look out at my married friends, and only a few of them are truly happily married....ONE of those happily married couples went through a similar experience.

 

My friend told me in confidence her husband had a physical affair. While nothing was said at the time, deep down she KNEW IT, and would watch him walk out the door each day knowing he would meet up with her. (She would have sex with him before he left sometimes just to see him go through the motions and witness the double-life he was able to lead!) Bottom line, she did confront him with it, and it was definitely a slap in the face for him. He begged her forgiveness, etc., and eventually they did indeed fully recover.

 

And as I mentioned before, they are one of the couples I would classify as soul mates!! They made it work. And while I am one of the few that know their "secret", it doesn't change my opinion of them as a couple, and I envy their close relationship! (They have been married now 25+ years.) What keeps their marriage continually strong is that he feels very fortunate to have been given a second chance.

 

Hope this story helps in some way.

[samoore727]

Julie2004

 

Thanks for your input. My husband has told me that he feels very lucky that I am giving him another chance. I am working very diligently to forgive and forget.

 

It's not easy for me. I guess I always believed our relationship was going well, but he has told me that he's always had an issue working with females. He seems to have a compulsion (that he claims he can't fight) to flirt with them by using sexual innuendo. He sees this as a problem (so do I), and is currently going to therapy to learn ways of dealing with this compulsion. I told him he had to learn not to do this, because I won't tolerate cheating of any kind. I don't believe in flirting, because there's always someone out there that will take it the wrong way. It's like keeping a "Pandora's Box" sitting on the table, waiting to be opened up. I realize this probably sounds paranoid, but I always tried to be tolerant of his female friendships, and look what I got as a result of that. After I found out about this sordid situation, I informed him in no uncertain terms that his days of being "chummy" with females is now officially over. I realize someone will read this statement and make some noise, but I just remember the pain I've been through since December 9, 2004, and I don't let other people's opinions bother me. This is the only way I can continue my relationship with my husband.

 

Things are going well right now. Despite that, I worry that if I let my guard down, he might contact this woman again. When I asked him why he did it in the first place, he said he didn't think I would find out about it, so I worry that he may one day start think along those lines again, and try to come up with ways of having another relationship with her without me knowing about it. I hope that doesn't happen, because then our relationship will be history - without a doubt.....

[GATSBY]

Julie2004....your friend, the one who had sex with him before he walked out the door....GOOD for her!! She knew how to fight fire with fire!!

Since my own divorce, I have done a lot of reading on why people have affairs, and I was startled to discover that most men do so because they crave the "sexual" excitment that comes from it. Its not that they stop loving their wives, it's just that they no longer have exciting sex with their wives.

 

samoore727....I am so sorry for your pain. It must be almost unbearable. And know that no one can give you advice on forgiving and forgetting....only you can make those choices.

There is a book I read recently in which much is discussed about why married men have affairs. Maybe it could give you some insight?

[Kallman]

I am so sorry to hear about what has happened. I to am dealing with the same thing, I found out the last week of Jan. I am trying to forget and forgive, but it isn't working out that great. The fact that your husband has asked for your forgiveness and is trying is a true plus. I am not that lucking, my just said he knew he messed up, but doesn't know why nor can he promise it will never happen again. He is still blaming me for it happening, because I was always nagging him and such. Anyway good luck and I will keep your family in my prayers.

[samoore727]

Dear Kallman,

 

Boy, do I feel sorry for you. I am well aware of the pain you're going through. I'm still dealing with it myself. Maybe you could ask your husband if he would possibly consider marriage counseling.

 

I had to search extensively to discover exactly what my husband had been up to. He never offered honesty to me until I kept showing him the proof I had discovered, and he realized I was "calling his bluff". When faced with all the facts, he knew he had no choice but to be honest with me. That honesty hurt me terribly, but I was grateful to finally know everything.

 

I suspect I will have an ongoing struggle to resolve this. I don't believe there is any easy way to get over something like this. I just try to keep a positive attitude, and remember to thank God for the blessings he gives me, instead of dwelling on the negative.

 

It's extremely supportive to have someone to communicate with. I appreciate your concern, and I want you to know that I'm here to give you a "shoulder to cry on" if you need it. Because I share your pain, maybe I can help give you some insight. I will be happy to do whatever I can to help you in your time of need.

[annie24]

I am so sorry to hear about what has happened. I to am dealing with the same thing, I found out the last week of Jan. I am trying to forget and forgive, but it isn't working out that great. The fact that your husband has asked for your forgiveness and is trying is a true plus. I am not that lucking, my just said he knew he messed up, but doesn't know why nor can he promise it will never happen again. He is still blaming me for it happening, because I was always nagging him and such. Anyway good luck and I will keep your family in my prayers.

 

Oh geez... His affair is not your fault! Your nagging? no. If there's a problem in your relationship, he could have done a hundred things to clear it up - none of them involved him putting his penis in another woman's vagina!!! He could have gone to therapy with you, he could have talked about it with you, he could have written a song about it... etc.

 

You two should probably get into marital counseling and try to work out your problems together. I wish you the best of luck!! Take care

[Kallman]

Thanks for everyones advice. I realize that we are in the same situation and feel very lucky that you have offered your shoulder, please know that mine is here for you as well. He will not go to therapy, or anything close to it. He tried with his first wife and failed, so to him there is no reason to try again. We are slowly working on things, I try not to discuss my feelings with him right, because he doesn't understand how I can feel so much pain and hurt from what has happened. He just wants me to block it out and move on. I am not doing that, I am dealing with it in my own way...talking with my thearpist and I know write in a journal about my feelings instead of talking to him about it, at least not all the time talking to him about it. When he is home and we find a couple of quiet moments together I let little bits out to him. He can't handle the pain I am going through, he gets angry. He has told me that the angry he feels is towards himself for hurting me, but the angry comes out directed at me. At least that is how I feel. Things have started to improve somewhat in the last week. He has started to open up about his feelings, he has begun to show me how much he loves, cares, needs and wants me in the ways I told him I needed to see/hear/feel them. It isn't totally there, but I see an effort that I have never seen before. This weekend, we were in VA (the land where the duo are live) we had to stop and readjust the truck we were towing, and of all place we ended up in the parking lot of the resturant where he took the daughter out to dinner the weekend before Christmas. This was very very hard for me to deal with, but this time when I got upset and started crying he just held me and told me he wished he could go back in time and never let any of this happen. He had been just getting angry at me and telling me to just get over it. I see this as a step in the right direction, of course I know at some point I have to be able to see/hear these things and not get so upset and cry. He has also agreed to start coming home every weekend instead of just a couple days a month. There is just one thing that he says to be that I don't understand... He says I am trying to hard and that I want to much to quickly. He has tried to explain it to me, but I honestly don't understand that statement. I am still feeling like it I was a better wife, homemaker, lover and I looked better that maybe he wouldn't have done these things to me. He tells me that it isn't all my fault, (that is a change from the beginning), but that it was both our faults for what happened. But that he wasn't me that forced him to do the things. Am I wrong for wanting to hear him say " I am so sorry for what I have done to you, and that I never want to hurt you again. Please baby forgive me for the horrible things I have done to you"

[samoore727]

Kallman:

 

You shouldn't allow him to make you believe that his indiscretion is your fault in any way. When we make decisions, we are aware of the difference between right and wrong. He is no exception.

 

As for the fact that he gets angry when you mention how hurt you are, in my humble opinion, it just makes him feel guilty - that's why he gets angry. My husband tried that with me. I told him in no uncertain terms that his anger wouldn't get him anywhere. Then he went to counseling, and his counselor told him that he would have to accept the fact that I would want to discuss things. The counselor told him that if he truly wanted our relationship to work out, he would have to be open and honest with me at all times. He seems to understand this, and no longer gets angry when I ask questions.

 

This kind of emotional trauma doesn't heal quickly. I personally feel like my heart has a huge hole in it. I can tell that I am healing, but every once in a while the pain creeps up on me. I have always tried to be a positive person, and I'm really trying to be positive in this situation, but it's tough. If your husband is not willing to work with you to help you get through this, I believe it will take even longer for you to heal. That's not good.

 

My husband thought he wouldn't have to do anything after I caught him cheating. But, when he realized I was going to end the relationship if he didn't work with me, he really decided he had to take an active role in this mess. I had to be firm and tell him the facts. I had to make sure that he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I wasn't going to continue in our relationship unless he did his part. I meant it - he knew it.

 

I believe in the saying "God helps those who help themselves". If I hadn't gotten control of the situation, I would still be living in the 7th level of hell.

 

I hope you find the strength to pull through this and get on with your life. We all have to make our own decisions. In the situation I was in, I was trying to work things out on my own, and it wasn't working. I had to come up with another game plan. If what you're doing doesn't seem to be working the way you think it should, maybe you should come up with a new plan yourself.

 

Best of luck to you. Post whenever you need a sholder to lean on. I'll be there........

[Kallman]

Samoore727

 

Thank you for your reply, I hope that you and your husband are doing well. I completely understand the days when the pain creeps in. I seem to have those days at least three times a week. Today isn't a good day, I keep finding myself logging into our cell phone accounts to see when his last call or text message was. I hate doing that, because when I see that it wasn't me, I call him. I don't ask him if he has been on the phone directly, but I ask questions like: did you call into dispatch yet or did you have to call for directions...etc etc. He says in his "world" things are going well between us and he feels like we are becoming closer and stronger. I am not sure I agree. There is no doubt he feels that way, I am bending over backward to please him and not do anything that might upset him or push him away. I don't understand it though, I am not the one who did something wrong he is, so why I am the one trying so hard to make things right? I know he is trying, but not like I am...at least that is the way I see/feel it. I told him that I felt that way, and he said if I felt that way then I wasn't letting myself see the things he is doing. Could I be blocking out the things he does because it is the things/way I want to see/hear or feel them? If I am doing that, doesn't that mean I am not allowing him to rebuild the relationship/trust that he destroyed? I am so confused, the only thing I know for sure is I love him more than words could ever express and that I get sick to my stomach and my heart breaks ever time I think about what he did. I want to make this work, but I am so scared that it will happen again. He is an over the road truck driver. I can't sleep or eat or function when he is going through VA. I literally get sick to my stomach when he has to stay out over the weekend. I have taken so much time off work just to go out on the road with him. Please keep me in your prayers!!!

[samoore727]

Kallman:

 

I wish I could track our cell phones like that. I have to wait until the new billing cycle posts before I can see what he's been up to. By that time, almost a month has gone by.....

 

I hope your husband can find a way to be more willing to work at the relationship the way you are. It takes two to tango, you know. My own relationship would be history by now if my husband wasn't willing to work at it heart and soul. I just don't believe the marriage would have lasted if he hadn't taken an active role. He didn't want to in the beginning He became angry when I had questions, but I simply told him I had to work this out in my own way, and he had to work with me. I'm fortunate he was willing to do that. I hope that can happen for you also.

 

Keep in touch. I'll keep checking this forum to see how you're doing....

[Kallman]

Samoore 727,

 

Thanks again for checking on me. I have written in a couple of days for a couple of reasons, one my "day" job has been crazy and last week I took a part time third shift job at a local truck stop close to the house. Working a lot of hours seems to help keep my mind off things, so for right now it is good for me. Well I had a complete breakdown Sunday morning when I got off work from my second job, but this time it was a good thing. I came home and woke my husband up with coffee and breakfast. All of the kids were gone, so it was quiet and we watched the Notebook. I started crying and at first he thought it was just the movie. Well when he asked me what was wrong I told him nothing, and he continued to ask. I told him that he didn't really want to hear what was wrong. He come over and sat on the couch next time and started rubbing my back. So I let it all out, everything that I had been holding in for almost two months. He started to get angry, so I asked him why are you getting angry because I am upset and crying. He first said he didn't know, then I asked him is it because you feel guilty because you know that you caused me this pain. He started crying and said yes that he hated what he had done to me and wished that their was a way he could go back and change it. We didn't talk much about what had happened, because he has already answered all the question I have that I really want to know the answer to. Instead he sat there holding me for almost three hours telling me how much he loved me and how sorry he was for hurting me. He said that now it is so hard for him to leave the house to make his runs, the only thing he wants to do now is be home with me and the kids. I haven't checked the calls and texts on our phones for two days....that is a record for me. He has been calling and texting me every couple of hours. He is saying things like I will never know how much he loves, needs and wants me or that I will never know how lucky he is to have me. He even told his dispatcher that he was going to be home every weekend from now on. I hope that this is the start of him becoming an active part of rebuilding our relationship.

 

 

I hope that things are going well for you.