Need a Little Advice

[cait1027]

Hey there everyone - I'm just looking for some advice/peace of mind in my relationship.

 

Just a little background - my boyfriend and I have been together for about 7 months now and we work together at a small business. He and I were both in pretty long and committed relationships before we started going out. My last one ended suddenly two years ago, while his was more mutual and ended a few months before we started going out. We've been having a wonderful time together, we haven't argued, we haven't run into any problems - it's been pretty straight forward.

 

I've been holding back a lot in the relationship, however. I've been myself, but I'm constantly paranoid about being too clingy, bothering him, pushing him away, etc. In turn, I feel like I'm making things difficult (even though just two weeks ago he told me he's found it very easy to be in a relationship with me). My last boyfriend and I were together for four years, but he was never as affectionate as I was. I would always tone it down around him, like not touching him as much, not sharing as much and so on. I overthought a lot about how to act around him in order to make him happy. However, I still loved him very much and we had talked about our future together on multiple occasions so I had no reason to believe anything wrong would happen. That relationship ended very suddenly and, because I didn't think it would end, it messed me up for quite a while. It took me many months to finally get over him, and I felt really confident being on my own, but I also knew that whenever I got back into a relationship, I had a fresh perspective and things would be different.

 

However, I feel like I'm trying to undo some "hard wiring", on top of the fact that I'm constantly worried about the relationship ending. I'm worried about feeling secure because throughout the old relationship, there was never a point when I wasn't. Now, I constantly am anxious about it and it's prevented me from truly being myself. I feel like I'm walking on my own eggshells. I try not to be "too affectionate", but in return I then feel like I'm not being affectionate enough. We don't talk a lot on the phone because (at least from my end), I'm worried about bothering him. But I should also add that we work at a small business together so we see each other four to five times a week. My current boyfriend is also infinitely more outward with his emotions and is a lot more sensitive (not in an overwhelming way by any means), so I look really far deep into how he acts around me.

 

This past week, he's been...off. The best way I can describe it is this incredibly strong distant feeling even when he's standing right next to me. It's like a switch. One day he's fine, and then something seems wrong and nothing has been outwardly said or done on my part to affect him in that way. We had made plans (his plans, I might add) to go for a hike tomorrow and I was really excited because not only would be be spending time together, but I was going to finally explain how I had been feeling and get it all off my chest. However, last night while I was still at work, he texted me and told me he would have to cancel our plans because he was lacking a day to relax and be with his thoughts. My brain immediately went into panic, but I asked him if everything was okay. He told me he's feeling overwhelmed with things and needs to dial it back a bit. I then asked him if he wanted to talk about it and he replied no, he needed to figure it out on his own. I apologized for anything I might have done to make him feel that way and said I had been feeling pretty off myself (the anniversary of my mother's passing was the week prior and I was a mess for a little bit), but that if he needed to talk at any point that I'm here. He thanked me, and told me he had been of in his own regards so not to worry. I've been trying to reassure myself that everything is fine, but I have the worst feeling in the pit of my stomach. My brain immediately assumes that he doesn't want to talk to me about it because it's actually about me and that he doesn't want to be with me. On the other hand, a lot has been changing in his life and I do believe him when he says he's overwhelmed - I'm just scared it's regarding me. Not too long ago, he told me how lucky he was to find me. He also admitted that I helped him get through some really tough problems and has thanked me for being supportive in some really big decisions he's made recently. I'm by no means tooting my own horn, I just pick out things he's said to me to reassure myself that he still wants to be with me.

 

I was really looking forward to talking with him to get this all off my chest and to stop worrying. I obviously still can, I'm just freaking out about what was said. There was also a very big thing I was going to tell him, and that was that I loved him. We haven't said that to one another yet and I've personally felt it for a little while, I've just been incredibly scared to say it out of fear of it not being reciprocated. I had talked to a bunch of friends about it and everyone thought he felt the same way but was also too scared to say it. I had finally built up enough confidence to do it.

 

If you can take anything away from this, I'm an overly anxious person who, unfortunately, needs a lot emotional reassurance in relationships. I would love to get some advice from people because regardless if this relationship works out, any future ones I'm in I know for a fact I'll be the same way and I don't want to feel this anymore. Not knowing if he loves me or not has been the biggest challenge and I was finally going to find that out. Now I feel like I'm in the dark in regards to everything. I just don't want to lose him, you know?

 

Thanks to anyone who decides to read this ramble.

[Vegancatlady]

For now I would say don't panic and give him that space.

I have been with my boyfriend for around 8 months and he has done this a few times with me.

Some men need this every now and then, the 'me time'.

We have also yet to say the L word. And I know I love him. It's tough when you're unsure as to what they will say!

I am a little insecure and very affectionate, my bf is not so much so I totally get your worries.

But try not to stress too much, if he cares for you, he'll be better after his day alone.

Don't contact him, he will contact you x

[Wiseman2]

Not everyone reflects, relaxes and recharges with talking. Try not to judge him based on past bf angst.