On a break - what to make of this?

[Asabina]

Hi there,

 

Many thanks for everyone who's to give advice. Some of you might remember previous threads I've commenced, if that's the case please feel feel to skip the resume and go straight into the current matter.

 

Resume: Boyfriend (30, very successful) and I (23, well educated with a good a job) have been dating for five months now. The relationship started off very intensely and we got serious from the start. He has been an amazing partner and until recently I could not wish for more. Constant communication, romantic dates, meeting each other's families, wedding parties etc.

 

The way things escalated: He has a highly demanding job in a leading investment bank, therefore I was warned at the start that work might take over at some point. I accepted it considering my own busy lifestyle and we went on with our lives. The last three weeks have been awfully strenuous for us as he's been working 100+ hours with no weekends. Needless to say, seeing each other has been impossible and trying to be understanding got harder.

 

Issue: I couldn't handle the lack of usual amounts of communication any longer and upon having a very hard time with my family, I needed him and his support. He seemed somewhat reserved and although wanting to understand the situation, he did not offer to spend time with me/hold me (mind you, it was all over message as we were both at work). Because I was emotional and an absolute wreck at that time, I sent a message that I understand how demanding work is but that things are different, perhaps he's not happy with me and maybe we are not right for each other. His response was dry, stating that "I am busy with work and don't really have any spare time. So things aren't the same. Maybe we'd be better off taking a break for awhile."

I knew he was expecting my response for good couple of hours (could see him typing but not sending the messages) and I contemplated saying either "Take as long as you need, I am done " or "Let's discuss in person and see if it's worth it in the long shot" but instead decided to break the pattern of strongly demanding and emotionally charged conversations that I introduced. Therefore, I joked saying "Maybe. After the break do we go on a date or straight to bed?" (Inside joke), his response was obvious and I could see he was relieved. We sent a few more light-hearted messages.

 

I don't know what to do here - I have feelings for him, yet his attitude baffled me. I expected more because he was constantly giving more before. However, I was fully aware what work could be like for him and people with his profession. I also knew work came first.

Yet, he either was not man enough to end it while already being emotionally checked out or truly couldn't handle stress at work, no time to sleep and my demands. Ultimately resulting in suggesting space.

 

Do I go on with my life and see how it pans out or should I give it a month and then completely disregard him?

 

Thanks!

[missmarple]

If I got this right, you haven't met in 3 weeks?

[Asabina]

Missmarple - Correct, we haven't seen one another in three weeks. He got allocated on a massive project and I got my Bar exams. All has been very hectic in the past month.

[missmarple]

In general, I'm against 'breaks', I don't believe in them. I think you either want to be with someone and work whatever issue there is or you break up.

In your case, it sounds like it was something he said without thinking much about it. I would wait for his next move if I were you.

[Ayla08]

I wouldn't be too impulsive here. He told you from the start that his work asks a lot of him at times. Try to see it from his perspective for a moment. He's working countless hours, barely has time to eat, sleep or think. He's probably under a lot of pressure and on top of all that, you come at him asking his time and energy, hinting that he's not doing enough for you etc. If I were him, you would have gotten a much nastier response than this Stress can really affect a persons mood and patience. He probably knows that you needed him, but he didn't have anything more to offer at the moment. He most likely already feels like crap because of this.

 

Now, his work life probably isn't going to change much. He sounds like a career driven guy, so working long days and having little time for a personal life will be the norm. I do advise you to think long and hard whether that's something you can handle in the long run. Some people just fare better with a partner who is available 24/7. It's not a matter of right and wrong, just deciding what's right for you. If you need more attention, you should be honest to yourself and to him about that. It's not fair to expect what he can't offer.

[Wiseman2]

Trying to have a highly emotional convo over text while both of you are at work can backfire. It sounds like he is overwhelmed with your emotional needs and you need more from him.

 

This seems to be the case couldn't handle stress at work, no time to sleep and my demands".

 

Can you discuss these highly charged family issues with a therapist. Also about your needs in a relationship vs. what he is able to offer at this time. That may be more productive and less frustrating.

"I am busy with work and don't really have any spare time. So things aren't the same. Maybe we'd be better off taking a break for awhile."

[Asabina]

Thanks everyone, some very good points were raised.

 

How do you suggest I handle the so called break? Shall I give him space and time until he is ready or initiate contact after some time passes? Again, we ended it on a very light-hearted note where he took what I suggested as a challenge which he has to fulfill.

[Wiseman2]

Whenever you say "yes" to this, he will think 'wow, that was easy' and use it every time you get on his nerves. He will never have to learn coping or relationship skills, because he now has a tried and tested method to push you away, yet keep you around.

How do you suggest I handle the so called break?

[Bejeweled]

I don't know...as a poster earlier also stated, I don't believe in breaks, especially after only 5 months. I understand that he's been busy with work (or busier than usual? I'm still not sure I understand that part, since he still has the same job he had when he met you but now's too busy to make time for you? Maybe I missed something.) HOWEVER, if he really wants to see/speak to you, he will make the time somehow without calling a break, even if the seeing you only entails a quick lunch or stopping by to say hi. Something seems incredibly off, especially since he's asking for time apart. Even if nothing is off and he really is just that busy, he still needs to put in a little effort into the relationship.

 

The only thing you can do is give him his space. No calling, texting, etc unless he initiates the contact first. Hide his FB posts for now if you have to. He is in a sense getting exactly what he asked for...and hopefully he will miss you or realize the relationship means enough to him that he appreciate you even more afterwards.

[Asabina]

I don't know...as a poster earlier also stated, I don't believe in breaks, especially after only 5 months. I understand that he's been busy with work (or busier than usual? I'm still not sure I understand that part, since he still has the same job he had when he met you but now's too busy to make time for you? Maybe I missed something.)

I truly agree, thanks. Thankfully we both don't have Facebook or any other social media, so that would not be too hard of a task.

As of your question, as an investment banker you have to work on major deals, some of which are bigger than others and involve a lot of time and effort (100+ a week after week).

 

Whenever you say "yes" to this, he will think 'wow, that was easy' and use it every time you get on his nerves. He will never have to learn coping or relationship skills, because he now has a tried and tested method to push you away, yet keep you around.

I don't think I could do more than distance myself for a certain period of time, say 2-3 weeks and evaluate afterwards. In all honesty, ending it all would then be inevitable.

[Asabina]

I thought it would be good to give everyone and update and hear your opinions in light most recent circumstances.

 

After a little over two weeks he contacted me, appearing genuinely interested to see how I am feeling and doing. We haven't had a heavy discission and believe if it is to be had, it should be in person. What are your thoughts after his made the next move on the chessboard?