Complicated... Is it over?

[Jimbob1990]

Hi all. Sorry but I feel I have nowhere to turn so here I am...

 

Allow me to explain the situation. I met my current gf (J) 18 months ago, while I was in an unhappy long term relationship with my ex-gf (D) who lived with me at the time. I admitted to D I had cheated on her with J, but she decided to make another go of it with me. D was a very clingy and slightly unstable girl who had attempted to kill herself when I broke up with her.

 

I tried to stop talking to J but couldn't. She is the person who I have just clicked with from second one, and her messages made me happy. J started seeing another lad 6 months after I met her and I decided that I would tell her I liked her alot. During this time I had told D I was breaking up with her but that as she had nowhere to go I did not throw her out. She had just started her new job and I felt like she needed some stability and she carried on as normal.

 

J slept with me while seeing her new man (of 3 months) and then decided to stop. 6 weeks later I moved 150 miles to be with J and start a new relationshipn in July. Despite moving and knowing nobody, J didn't see me for 10 days, and saw me a total of 4 times in July. I will admit this was the loneliest time of my life and even inJune she was describing herself as single, got a guys number on a night out, in August J was describing me as her friend claiming she had no bf (she claimed sleeping with me was not cheating as the lad after 10 weeks still wasn't her bf). I visited D to get my stuff, and weakened by loneliness and convinced J was having doubts and completely unsure of our status I spent the afternoon with D but did not have sex with her (who was ecstatic to see me). I immediately regretted it and from that point I have never cheated on her. We messaged innocently to check on each other but myself and D never kissed again.

 

10 months if a very happy relationship later J found out about D and has quizzed me on it. She went through my phone and found old messages from D. J got in contact with D and claimed that D had told her loads of stuff. I have reluctantly told her the truth after 2 days. 2 weeks later however J is claiming she knows something has happened since and D has told her. In a last gasp attempt to gain trust 2 weeks later I have 'admitted' to sleeping with D in August on the basis D may have told her to mess things up for me.

 

I then drove to see D to beg her not to ruin my new life and tell the truth. She told me to message J pretending to be her. She then set me up and told J I was pretending to be her. Malicious but my fault for thinking that D would not want to ruin my life.

 

J claimed she wanted no contact with me and would deal with my stuff through my sis. So I ignored her for 3 days. Eventually she contacts me asking about my stuff. I respond. She then the next day is annoyed I haven't apologized, which I do. Its been a week now and I will post the last messages I have received from her.

[Jimbob1990]

Her:

 

No. I've had enough of this J. I'm going to block you as I've had enough. If you want to arrange getting your stuff back you need to do that through C.

 

2 days later: her:

 

Thought just easier to message you because I swear you took your TV thing home to watch films when I wanted space. I can only find some Phillips thing that's in the plug socket. Is it something else you wanted? I need to send everything off in the morning so let me know

 

Next day me:

 

Yes and my raspberries pi and keyboard and any other stuff that's mine. Are you OK? X

 

Her:

 

OK.. I'm gonna need a bigger thing to put it in lol .. I can't think, I'll have to do it Saturday as I needed to do it first thing and I'm out the rest of the day today. Been better but not too bad thanks you

 

Me:

 

Had a terrible day or two but feeling a lot better now thanks x

 

Her:

 

Pleased to hear it.

surprised that now you've calmed down I haven't had a sincere apology from you for what you've actually done to hurt me but that's life

 

Me: next day:

 

Hey babe. I fully accept my actions and behaviours have been totally unacceptable and totally out of character, and I have had every intention and desire to explain myself to you and offer you an apology that you clearly deserve... But I have been trying to respect your position and was waiting for the right time, and I'm not necessarily sure that's now (I know you!). It has taken me some days of reflection to realise that I was in a very dark place, and that you of all people must realize or at least understand why... Although I am by no means justifying my actions and in particular the upset I have caused you, and never ever will be. I am now coming to terms with what you appear to want, and what I appear to want... Although I feel that what we both want isn't too different.. There is much I would like to explain to you, in particular what i now with a clear head have realized what defines a successful relationship. This is trust. An area that I realise I have failed in, and am now paying the ultimate cost. I had a still have a vision of how our relationship should and could be and not withstanding what has taken place in the past. I would love btoo have the opportunity to share this with you by having a fresh start with a commitment to earning your trust again. I am getting back to the J YOU knew, liked and loves more than anyone. The impact on me following what's happened has been self-evident and I cannot apologize enough that you saw a side of me I never even knew existed. But I can promise that this person is in the past and I am fully coming to terms with the situation: and the things that we both know are irreplaceable about each other are still there. Thanks for sorting everything out and you know I wish you all the love and happiness in the world in the future, and I would grasp the opportunity to be part of that future as someone you can trust and count like I have been countless times in our history... And perhaps more importantly to have the opportunity to express this to you fully. But appreciate that for this may still not be the right time for that Xx

 

Her:

 

It definitely isn't the right time at all. It would just be nice to know you're genuinely sorry for hurting and putting me in a position that I never thought I'd be in which is spending my life without the person I love. And I'm sad you don't understand why that is no longer an option for me. The things you have done have been over the entire time I have known you it is only that it has all come to light in a short space of time. I've been good to you despite my stroppy and mental moments and I was finally ready to be with someone and I still want that in the not so distant future but everything you have done has meant that can't be with you. Which has literally killed me ... I thought that what we had was incredible and that I'd never ever have to so much as look at another guy. To have that all brought down due to a secret that you had been keeping from your 'best friend' and 'person you love' was absolutely heartbreaking! It would just be nice if you could see that and be genuinely sorry you have done that to me not just sorry for yourself that you have lost me but I appreciate your message x

 

 

Me: next day:

 

Look baby. I've spent nearly a day trying to write a message about how sorry I am but after 16 attempts I have failed, and have realized there are not enough words to describe how I feel. But I hope you realise hunny, I am sorry (understatement). You are one of the 2 ppl on earth I would never deliberately hurt (top of the list) and it breaks my heart to think of you in pain. My own pain I've dealt with, but It honestly tugs at my guts to think that I have caused you any sort of hurt, let alone this! I've spent my life knowing you trying to keep you from pain and I have failed!!! But it upsets you.to think I would ever put you in a position to upset you because I genuinely mbbean it when I say I would sacrifice my life for you. Now still isn't the right time to address everything else... but I promise you, I never ever want to.inflict anything on the girl I do love and for you to doubt that upsets me... Xx

 

Her: next day.

 

Thank you that means a lot. I didn't and don't understand how you could have done that to someone you love and move all this way, let me fall in love with you based on a lie. It has completely broken me and I know I can't ever feel the same about you again. That isn't to say this has been easy because I'm not having a good time at all! It's nice to hear a genuine apology from you and for you to actually realise what you've put me through so thank you for that J xx

[Jimbob1990]

Now I fully understand she is vveru upset that I never told her about D and there was an overlap. I accept that.but she has kept things from me because she was scared I would stop talking to her. Imagine how worried I was!

 

I accept I was wrong but genuinely was so confused as to why J wouldn't see me or describe me as just a friend still. However, since then we have been the perfect couple. And I'm gutted that she feels all the good is worth getting rid of over this.

 

It's been a week. Where do.you think her head is at? What are your opinions on the situation. I want to sort it out but .it sure how. Will time, say another week give her time to be less angry and miss me.

 

Basically I'm lost and don't know what to do to fix it... If it is fixable.

[IAmFCA]

It definitely isn't the right time at all. It would just be nice to know you're genuinely sorry for hurting and putting me in a position that I never thought I'd be in which is spending my life without the person I love. And I'm sad you don't understand why that is no longer an option for me. The things you have done have been over the entire time I have known you it is only that it has all come to light in a short space of time. I've been good to you despite my stroppy and mental moments and I was finally ready to be with someone and I still want that in the not so distant future but everything you have done has meant that can't be with you. Which has literally killed me ... I thought that what we had was incredible and that I'd never ever have to so much as look at another guy. To have that all brought down due to a secret that you had been keeping from your 'best friend' and 'person you love' was absolutely heartbreaking! It would just be nice if you could see that and be genuinely sorry you have done that to me not just sorry for yourself that you have lost me but I appreciate your message x

 

Take control and end it, in your own mind. Relationships take work and your ex displays little capacity for it. She is responsible for her reactions to the events of the past, her definition of trust, her desire to punish you under the guise of wanting an apology, her choice to blow up something she claims is so perfect over the past, her thought pattern about how perfect you are for her while also talking about how you don't get it.

 

Maybe she doesn't get it, or neither of you do.

 

Please Google intimacy avoidance and fear of abandonment. I think your ex is acting like a child hurt by the discovery that her father is flawed.

 

You don't need this.

[Jimbob1990]

This is what she sent after we first broke:

 

Please don't forget all the incredible things you've done. Sitting in a chair for three hours while I puke on holiday, coming home from Kent for me at silly o clock in the morning because I've lost my at you, putting up with my shouting fits cuz I was quitting smoking and then still driving to Nottingham to buy me doughnuts to say well done. Whatever issues you have that have led you to be this way I really hope you can resolve them because you will make the perfect boyfriend to someone one day. That's one thing I was right about! You have everything a man could need to be able to make someone happy. Please remember that and don't put yourself down.

 

 

 

To me that sounds like she's throwing something great away to be with someone she can 'trust'. Her dad walked out on her mum at 12 to start a new family. And her ex after a year together was caught texting other women. She does have trust issues... When we first got together she wouldn't cuddle me in bed or hold my hand. Hence me being confused...

 

I know but she is right. We are perfect together now. But she's throwing it away...

 

How do I fix this?

[IAmFCA]

You can't.

 

She has to take responsibility for her issues. You have to take responsibility for yourself.

 

Why are you holding on to someone who doesn't have staying power?

[Jimbob1990]

OK. I get what you are saying but until this came out we were talking marriage.

 

In a hypothetical world where this could work what is the best approach? Another week of space and then ask to meet?

 

I'm not dismissing your advice, but for right or wrong I want to make this work. Because tbh we were perfect. I just had a secret. I maintain all the reasons we are in love are unrelated to my betrayal.

[Jimbob1990]

How, when and what would you say? She starts a new job tomorrow so a bit of me wants to wish her good luck because I'm worried about her.

[IAmFCA]

It takes two people to make a relationship work.

[Jimbob1990]

It takes two people to make a relationship work.

 

Well. She asked me what my future plans were earlier. I called her...

 

We had a great chat! A really great fun chat about what we were doing. I mentioned that we should meet and talk. I suggested Saturday but she is busy, but immediately suggest Sunday or Monday. Do you think this is too soon...

 

She immediately replied with 'it was great to have a chat' followed 2 hours later by 'I wish you wouldn't mention going out with other girls' I have enough to worry about'.

 

She obviously still cares...

[Wiseman2]

Great! Enjoy the date. Now listen to her.

'I wish you wouldn't mention going out with other girls'

[Jimbob1990]

Just to make it clear when asked what j did last night I was honest and said I went to a friends, had a BBQ and my friends gf had a couple of her friends round.

 

I did nothing... I wouldn't and couldn't

[IAmFCA]

Just to make it clear when asked what j did last night I was honest and said I went to a friends, had a BBQ and my friends gf had a couple of her friends round.

 

I did nothing... I wouldn't and couldn't

 

That isn't the point. The boundary line you need to draw is that you mention nothing about anyone who is female. Of any stripe.