Need to vent

[Cope]

So my story in short is i met a guy when he was visiting my country, we hit if off, he left, we kept in touch, i visited, we continued contact, he got distant due to distance, we broke up. I asked for NC 2 days later.

 

I am having a really hard time getting over it. I am not pressuring myself to do so, i let my self cry it out, i let myself grieve. I've been through denial , oh so many times. I am trying to accept that it wasn't only the distance, but it was the distance, he wouldn't drift away if we were Close Distance. I wouldn't start to get bored either, but i wasn't bored of him. I wanted to do stuff with him, i wanted to hang out, sit together without saying nothing. You can't do these things from Skype.

 

I made the mistake of not opening up to him about my feelings and my plans. He was holding back also as he had a bad experience with an LDR in the past. So he started acting distant after he got a new job. Reasonable, but it got worse, so i finally asked him if we are on the same page. He said he has feelings for me but he can't handle the distance and he might be holding those feelings back because of that, or they might not be as strong to begin with. He doesn't know and wasn't willing to find out cause he is sure that he doesn't want the distance. So we "broke up". We weren't officially a couple, but it sure felt like we were.

 

I thought i was going to be able to get over this faster, but i was so wrong. I am not desperate, i did not plan my happiness on him, i am the same person i was when i was with him, i don't miss my need of being with him, i miss him. I love him, not the idea of him, not the idea of love, not the idea of a relationship. I wasn't looking for an LD relationship, i wanted to close the distance, i only told him that the last day.

 

I know life goes on and it will. I am just so freakin sad. I want to talk to him, i want him back in my life but i am not ready for that yet. I will contact him again at some point but i need to be ready. I still want him back, i know this is not a good time to get back together and even if he ever came back i would tell him that (not that i would deny him though , just talk about it )

 

I am trying to tell myself that he just wasn't that into me, i am trying to imagine him with another girl. I can't say if either are working.

 

Each day of NC that go by i feel proud of myself. A question for dumpers, does this even matter? I have broke up with someone before and it really didn't matter, but i have never dumped someone due to circumstantial issues. This is a first for me, being dumped when feelings are still there and nothing bad has ever happened!

I have to clarify, i am not doing NC to get him back. I read about how NC helps etc but i honestly think that it had helped getting someone back just because those people really wanted to get back, maybe NC did help on the missing part.

 

What are the chances of getting back due to distance? and to answer my own question, a lot , IF the distance no longer existed etc...None and no point to, if the distance still exists.

 

Thing is, the only thing that helps me get out of bed is the thought of "what will be will be", meaning, i do think that we will get back together or at least maintain a friendship in the future, but only time can tell. It's funny how uncertainty is more helpful in this situation, probably cause the certainty of "he's just not into you" hurts.

 

 

I think i am done venting for now. Thanks! It does help!

[crowleysgirl]

I'm sorry, but I'm not going to tell you what you want to hear. He very simply was not that into you. If he had real, deep feelings for you, he wouldn't have broken up with you. Yes, distance sucks in a relationship, but if your relationship and feelings are strong you don't break up. He dumped you. Even if he eventually came sniffing back around and you got back together with him, you will always remember that he dumped you when things got tough. So, you're doing the right thing by going NC, but you definitely should not plan to reach out to him later. I know you still have feelings at this point, but those will fade. Let yourself move on and eventually you'll find someone that you actually can spend time with in person, and who actually returns your feelings.

[Cope]

Thank you

 

I know that that is probably true. I can't seem to wrap my head around it yet, but i will get there. On the other hand, both of us are older (late 30's early 40's) we can both handle our feelings a little better, to be specific, it's easier for a person in their 20's to accept an LD than when you are older. When you are older you don't "live in the moment" as much. I know age doesn't necessarily determines this, but both of us are like that. He also had a very bad LD experience in the past so he was holding back. Plus, neither of our lives is stable in order to make a decision about moving this early on.

 

All that being said, i do think that "he just wasn't that into me" could be the main reason. About contacting him, i will have to at some point due to something practical. Besides that, i told him i would contact him once i was feeling better to try a possible friendship. At this point i still want to try, but it's the funny thing that happens during NC. I do not want to contact him if i still have feelings for him and if those feelings are gone, i probably will not want to contact him. Thing is with this guy, i do think i would like to contact him even if the feelings are gone.Only time will tell if that too will change.

 

I haven't put a deadline on my NC period, at first i thought i would be done in month, i realized the truth quickly and laughed, so i am not pressuring myself on that nor am i waiting for that magical day of his return to come. Sadly, i know that will not happen. IF it ever will it would be a long time from now. I still can't deny that i want him back and secretly i wish everything i said is false.

 

Thank you for your good advice. I am trying to accept it and treat this like there will be no reconciliation but to be honest believing that time will tell helps me to get out of bed

[gypsybird87]

Cope,

 

I'm so sorry you're hurting today. I'm there with you. As you know I'm in a similar boat... He ended things, wants to be friends etc, and now we are NC but only because I insisted upon it. Like you I also said I'd contact him at some point in the future regarding possible friendship. I may do that. Or I may not. As others have pointed out to me here, I owe him nothing. Same with you. He dumped you, and you owe him nothing.

 

I've also spent a lot of time trying to "justify" his decision and reason for not going all in with me in this relationship. I've been chalking it up to his past and not being fully over his ex wife. You're filing it under distance. Both are plausible....but honestly, irrelevant. And you and I both have to come to terms with that. A good male friend of mine (who is much wiser than me and saw this coming a mile away) said, "All you need to know is this: if a guy will leave you, he's not the one." And even if he does come back around and want to reconnect later, that doesn't change the fact that he's *still* not the one.

 

Accepting this is hard, because it means letting the hope of reconciliation die. This is the first LTR ending I've ever been through where I actually hoped for reconciliation, and it's a hard thing to let go of. What I'm learning, day by day, is that you cannot hold onto that hope and move forward. It's impossible. We tend to think of hope as a thing that lifts you up during difficulty. And many times that's true. But in this case it's an anchor. It keeps you stuck, tethered to the past, tethered to someone who no longer wants you.

 

I read a quote that really helped me: "Imagine a ship trying to set sail while still anchored. You must cut free of that burden. Not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is."

 

You are worthy, Cope. You deserve freedom and happiness and the love of someone who wants to give it to you with their whole heart, in spite of distance, or past pain or any other barrier, real or imagined. Stay strong in your NC. We can do this.

[Cope]

Thank you so much for this post gypsybird. I read it several times before I went to sleep and cried. It did help! Yeah, I remember how similar our stories are. I am not in a position to accept that it wasn't the distance yet, cause for me there is no in between, either he had feelings for me or he never had. I know that doesn't make sense, I need to work on the in between.

 

This is my first relationship i want to reconcile too. Never felt that before. I am not ok. I am in denial, but how can I be if I know I am? I don't want to get out of bed and I have stuff to do. I am honestly trying to realize that I too was getting bored, I too couldn't handle the distance. It was random that he was the first to go distant or maybe because he's been through this before.

 

Technically, I broke up with him. He was being distant yet texting me everyday asking how my day was etc. It was confusing and I couldn't take it anymore. Exactly like you, I wanted to ask him earlier about his feelings but I was afraid of the answer. I usually never ask questions without being prepared for an answer I don't like. It took me two months. Never again.

 

Another thing I am regretting is not being open, but tbh, neither was he. He was giving me hints about our relationship before he got distant, when everything was great. Hints about me moving there, about how he feels etc. I never 'caught the bait' cause I wanted from him to be straight forward. He's over 40 and a smart guy, he could do it. He never did. This is what's bugging me a lot. Although I sometimes feel good that I wanted him to be clear, on the other hand I wasn't either and I know that it doesn't come easy to everyone and that doesn't make anyone less of a person. I'm not saying that we would be together and happily ever after, but maybe we'd be over earlier.

 

During the break up he also said that he honestly wasn't distant because of his feelings but because of his work. As much as I want to believe that, I can't. In an LDR, texting is crucial, how hard is it to answer one on a weekend? I am a very understanding person. So much that I think most men can't handle it cause they are not used to it. He told me he was feeling pressured and once I pointed out that I never pressured him, he realized i really didn't. HE put pressure on himself about texting and giving me details of his whereabouts. I would never ask for him to do it, I even considered telling him he didn't have to. This is probably what he did in his previous ldr.

 

This got long, I apologize. It does help though.

Thank you again gypsybird! I will try to figure it out!