kurochi Posted May 5, 2016 Share Posted May 5, 2016 So my gf of 8 years broke up with me a week ago... We had small time partners before but we were each other longest, sexual relationship. In the last years I growing lack of interest on her part... we talked and tried to fix it... It was always some excuse or another but she truly had no reasons to not be invested... We had our ups and downs but we managed... We always talked and dealt with our problems. This was her last year of Uni and she finally made some friends... She started going out to parties, listening to new music... acting a bit like a teenager again, yolo attitude and all. Then she started spending a lot more time with her friends than me... even canceling plans with me because "We can do that some other time." ... Eventually she said something that sounded odd and I called her out on it... she said that 6 MONTHS!!! ago she made out with someone else... we promised we would've talked it over if it ever happened! She's been acting completely different! A week after her confession she starts saying she doesn't know how she feels and wants an open relationship to try something with this guy she kissed!... We talked about it and later in that week she changed her mind. Said she was confused and actually she completely thinks the guy is a jerk... She was really nice for a week, I guess to make up for it... then she starts getting SUPER distant... I ask her what's wrong, she refuses to talk which was odd!... She then calmly says she wants to break up with me and likes yet another guy. A guy I even joked about her liking because he was everything she hates! ... We still live together... a week later she was acting very protective of her phone... I ask her why... She confesses she's been very defensive off her phone because she's been flirting with the guy for the past 3 weeks, guy who's the complete opposite of me with traits she didn't use to like at all... She also has been complaining to her friends about how I'm a loser... simply because I've recently graduated and haven't found a job yet (I studied law, which is difficult to get into). I keep asking her what I did wrong and if she wants to get back together at some point and she just keeps saying she is confused. My friend has a theory that she tasted university life for the first time and since it's the last time she wants to enjoy it fully... that after it's over she is going to regret all her decisions... I think she simply has been taking me for granted and doesn't value me anymore... simply because I spoil her in every way... I take her out, we talk about anything, we play and share interests... Even on the sexual side, I always satisfy her and she is the one that always taps out... ( I can have sex for hours...) I went out to visit a friend out of town yesterday and I found out as soon as I left, even though she had work all day, she went out on a date to the movies with the guy, which ended in a kiss on a cheek... Yet I've been asking her out to the movies for weeks and she has always been to tired or busy... but for him she makes plans in less than an hour... I don't know what to do or what to think.. and I got no one to ask... Part of me says I should just wait and take her back when she regrets her decisions... she's just confused and in a couple of weeks she'll be back to normal... other part of me tells me to move on, that her behavior has been immature and unacceptable and I have no self-respect for wanting her back... That even if she wants me back later I should refuse it... I can't even judge how bad she's been... I really need your advice... Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted May 5, 2016 Share Posted May 5, 2016 Agree with your theory. She sees you as the steady good guy rock type ...and she is trying out this bad-boy thing for adventure. However she thinks you will stick about while she tries this bad-boy thing out. I would not condone this. That would set bad precedent for future adventures thinking "well, he'll always be there for me". Link to comment
kurochi Posted May 5, 2016 Author Share Posted May 5, 2016 Agree with your theory. She sees you as the steady good guy rock type ...and she is trying out this bad-boy thing for adventure. However she thinks you will stick about while she tries this bad-boy thing out. I would not condone this. That would set bad precedent for future adventures thinking "well, he'll always be there for me". So do you suggest me moving on completely? Should I not forgive her if she has a major change of heart? Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted May 5, 2016 Share Posted May 5, 2016 I keep asking her what I did wrong and if she wants to get back together at some point and she just keeps saying she is confused. It sounds to me like she's shopping around for a better deal, while she places you on the back burner. Her use of the term "confused" appears to be a smokescreen in order to have you remain on that back burner, just in case she comes up empty. In any event, she may very well return, and you'll either accept the role of sloppy seconds, or walk. Good luck, and choose wisely. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted May 5, 2016 Share Posted May 5, 2016 Have a heart to heart talk. Tell her she needs to be in with both feet or you're out. I would not accept the 'confused' line. Then back off...a lot...so she can get a truer read on her bad-boy adventures without you as her safety net. So do you suggest me moving on completely? Should I not forgive her if she has a major change of heart? Link to comment
BlarneyStone Posted May 6, 2016 Share Posted May 6, 2016 Obviously easier said than done from an eight year relationship, but yes, all signs point to this type of behavior being unacceptable. The right thing to do would be to move on. Have some self worth. Link to comment
kurochi Posted May 7, 2016 Author Share Posted May 7, 2016 Have a heart to heart talk. Tell her she needs to be in with both feet or you're out. I would not accept the 'confused' line. Then back off...a lot...so she can get a truer read on her bad-boy adventures without you as her safety net. I did what you suggested... I told her how it made me feel and that I wasn't buying the "I don't know what I want, I'm confused excuse." I don't remember specifics but it seems clear to me through her words and ideas that I'll be here waiting for her after her bad-boy adventure... I told her clearly that I won't be here and that if she wants to get back together the window is closing fast... That the longer she waits the less likely I am to take her back. I told her I'll be there for her as a friend but I'm done arguing or holding my love for her... that she needs to face the consequences of her actions... ... Well, she seemed upset but she didn't budget, said she wants to be single... but then she had spouts of being sad during the day... like someone who finally realised they lost something... I asked her what it was but she refused to talk about it... I dunno... Maybe it finally hit her what she is doing... Link to comment
rich46 Posted May 7, 2016 Share Posted May 7, 2016 I can relate to this in some way, as I had a steady girlfriend all through University...first loves and all that. The difference is that my ex started getting distant post-University when we had moved back to our respective hometowns. She got a new job before I did, which led to new friends, which led to going out partying, attention from guys, etc etc until one day she called it off with me after three years together. That was when I first joined this site. I tried the nonchalant friends things, and even visited her on her birthday, and I always remember a text she sent me just before this visit which read: "I've been thinking about us, and there is still a chance." Being a break up novice back then, I suddenly felt optimistic, but it eventually clicked that she was keeping me there as a security blanket and I eventually cut contact, and lo and behold a few months of total NC later she gets back in touch in tears because rebound guy had mistreated her......but it was too late, and I had moved on myself and made future plans. If you are still living together, then that obviously complicates matters, but it seems that she has the same mindset that my first ex did all those years ago. Unfortunately, not much you can do about it other than to let her get on with it, and she will either realise that the grass isn't always greener, or she may like her new freedom to explore the market. All you can do is let her go, and focus on your self now. I told her I'll be there for her as a friend Please avoid being an emotional crutch for her in any way shape or form though. I know it is tough if you are still living together, but got to let her realise the consequences of her choice and it does seem like you have realised this, so good for you. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted May 7, 2016 Share Posted May 7, 2016 Excellent, now she can move out and 'find herself' and be with her bad-boys without a safety net. And you can move on to a more mature girl who loves you, appreciates you and understands commitment.she wants to be single. Link to comment
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