Desparately need advise..and help!

[oksanauk]

This is not the first time I've lost the one I loved, but this is the first time I took it so bad and was trying to kill myself...2 years ago my husband died quite unexpectidly (and on the 14th Feb - valentine's day!) which has shocked and frightened me. Shortly after I have met a man who has become my bestest friend, but then fell in love with me and so did I. My problem was - I couldn't get over the death of my husband and I couldn't let my feelings flow freely. Me and my boyfriend split up once, a year ago (at exactly the same time - round Valentine's day)!) but got together again after a few days. Now, a year later, he decided to end our relationship again as he is not getting full commitment from me (I was still insisting I spend a few days a week on my own instead of moving in together properly). Because it happened round the "anniversary" date when my husband died, because I had other problems and stressed mounted up for monghts, - I took it so badly that I just took an overdoze of paracetamol. It was a stupid thing to do and only made my boyfriend angry with me. Since all that, I've texted for a few days then stopped for about 5 days, hoping maybe if I give him space and time to think, he might change his mind and give us another go. My friends say if he loved me that much, he will give me the last chance...? I have written a letter to say what I've realised and where I went wrong (which I do know!...I was selfish at times and too wrapped up in my own feelings) and to say that i will wait for him.

Since then he's been in touch with my friend to see if I am OK, as he is worried about me. I have never been alone and now I am for the first time in my life. After that I did text him for a couple of days, but again - he didn't reply. I spoke to my friend and have decided to go round his place to talk face-face as I needed to know things. He didn't want to let me in, but eventually he did.

I was very calm, didn't ask and didn't beg this time. Asked him to look into my eyes and tell me if it's that he doesn't love me anymore. And he said "i'm looking into your eyes and telling you i don't love you anymore"...I just said OK, i accept it and neede to know it...And I somehow think it might be true?..

An added problem is his ex who left him once and was supposed to come back, but only re-appeared in 2 years saying she never stopped loving him...that was during our first break-up. He in the end decided to stay with me. This time round I have asked him a question about her and he said that yes they are in touch now, but got in touch not before but after we split up....Hmmm...She lives in France and apparently planning on visiting in about May, but migth be earlier. I know that the fact she's in touch doesn't help my situation at all...

I really don't know what to do anymore. Especially after one loved you so much and asked to marry him so often (for which i wasn't ready at the time), and now saying he doesn't love me anymore?...

Should I just lose hope?...I do sincerely love this guy...help!

P.S. it's been 2nd day now since I faced him, and I am finding it so hard to not texting him and tell him that if he did love me so much, how could he just stop loving just like this?..

[cleverme123]

First off, the death of a husband especially an unexpected one is hard enough to deal with. Not waiting very long and putting yourself in a relationship whether it was missing lack of companionship for your husband and what not, close to his death was not a good idea. Number one you never gave yourself time to heal and get over his death. You have no way of knowing why it happened unexpectedly and you didn't see it coming.

 

When you aren't over someone and you go into a new relationship whether it be friends or whatever, you re naturally bound to make mistakes. You will act on feelings instead of thinking with your head you start thinking with your heart. You start to try to replace what you've lost. The fact you overdosed was nothing more than a pitiful attempt to get the guy to pay attention to you. It makes you look emotionally unstable and was nothing more than a plea for attention. Quite frankly if you wanted to die, you would have. Over some guy that is nothing more than toying with your emotions to manipulate you into doing what he wants you to do. Get in a relationship, commit, get married etc. You made it clear you weren't ready, and it may be that he was a nice way to pass by a certain point in your life but he and you were not meant to be.

 

I suggest instead of chasing him down you put your head on straight and start seeing a therapist of some sort to deal with the death of your husband first, work on you second, and then worry about a relationship. It sounds like you are emotionally drained and a relationship will not work when you aren't putting your all into it.

 

Good luck.

[savannahohsavannah]

I feel a strong push and pull in your relationship. As long as you were distant he wanted you and came after, but now that you are approaching him, he's backing away. It is important to note here that he is backing away after you did some pretty damaging and self-destructive behaviors. So you did this one to yourself. And there may be no damage control you can do to save this situation.

 

Quite frankly I'm amazed that you have not said one thing about therapy throughout all of your post. You MUST have thought at some point in time that therapy was the way to go to help you get over, or at least deal with some of the problems accompanying sudden unexpected death of a loved one. I don't sense much maturity in you right now. I don't know if that is because, as you said you were never alone and always had someone to rely on, or because of the trauma and drama associated with your hubby's death.

 

 

I'm not at all worried about this relationship, I am worried that you will continue to act out your unhappiness in self-damaging ways. Killing yourself is not an acceptable option. I find it good that your pals aren't letting you stay by yourself. You should not be at this point in time. But later, when you are feeling stronger, you should get out and do some more confidence building. For you, that may mean living on your own without a bf or hubby and having your own life. Learning what it means to stand on your own two feet. Once you do that, you will be able to face some losses a bit better.

[oksanauk]

yes, i know and should've gone for help to deal witht the death, even my BF told me so many times...He was with me all throughout the bad times. Right now, I've been hit on a head with our break-up and plus it's been 2 years now since the death, - I have finally recovered from his death. And it is now that I feel exactly like my BF did - wanting to settle down, have a family etc. Things I wanted before, space I needed before - I no longer need. The only problem is - I do take a long time to trust someone and it's not very often that I fall in love as deep as this. I also am getting on, almost 37, and have not had any children yet...so the clock is ticking and the time is running fast...

I can not understand, how could he love me so much and decided to leave now?!...just because we were going through a couple of months of stress and arguing - it happens to every couple. I do however feel that the woman who's returned from the past has a lot to do with his stubboness right now.

We used to be very close friends as well as lovers with my BF (with exception of last couple of months when arguing a lot). And I feel like telling him he will be making a mistake going with this woman, as I told him last year. She was married still then and left to france with her hubby saying to my BF she is not saying good bye. He waited for a yeat for her, then met me. It is 2 years later that she has surfaced to say she never stopped loving him...Now she is on a scene again, about to come to England...My BF is a faithfull person, and I know that as soon as he ends up in bed with her - there will be a commitment from him to her.

Now,...the question that I do have in my head is : when he said he doesn't love me anymore, but just cares and worries about me, - do I believe it? How can one switch on and off like this?

Another thing, if i don't contact him at all now - I am frightened to lose him forever....?

[oksanauk]

oh another thing, - did i mention that he said - the reason he doesn't contact me direct is that he doesn't want to give me false hopes...

I still can't believe how can one love so much, wanting to marry etc and then fall out of love so quick?...

[cleverme123]

If he was honestly serious about marrying you he would wait til the end of time if he had to. I too have a security issue and it took me almost 2 years to open up in my relationship. This guy is basically trying to again manipulate you into doing what he wants. I don't even think he was very serious from the get go. If he understood the issues and problems you were dealing with he wouldn't have pushed you to get married, etc. until you were ready, he would have helped you to get better.

 

I don't think you are in a healthy relationship with him either. Your right people can't just turn their feelings on and off again unless their with someone that lets them. You let him get away with it before took him back when it didn't work out, and now it's become a comfortable place for him to fall when it doesn't work out with this other girl that he is pursuing.

 

You take him back again, or you start calling and texting him and he sees that no matter what he does to you, your going to be there waiting to take him back when things don't work out. I don't mean to sound rude, but this guy sounds like a loser. He is playing your insecurity against you. And all he has to do to do it, is chase after something he wants, while you wait and he tells other people that he cares and is worried about you to strgin you along.

 

Honestly if you constantly complain about your problems to other people you give them the ammo they need to turn it around and use it against you. You already gave all that too him, he knows what cards to play to hurt you. Some times too, when we lose someone, we need a person as an in betweener, and then we find a meaningful relationship, it just works that way some times, give it careful consideration, and don't be so easy for him to sucker back in.

[savannahohsavannah]

I still am reading a lot of confusion. You say you are one thing, and your words tell me you are another. I am telling you to slow down. I am also saying to forget this fella! It doesn't matter how or why it happened, he is no longer viewing you in the same way that he did when you two were in "love" and he may never see you the same way again. Our lives are often confused when we go through a break up, and you have a death to deal with on top of that. GO TO THERAPY!!!!!

[oksanauk]

ok...thank you for your comments. I pretty much blame myself for all this. It is not him who was pulling me by the strings, but me. He always felt it when he stayed with me then i said i want some days on my own, then as he goes home - i would say "come to my place today". He said he felt like a puppet on the strings. Felt insecure. He always did have insecurity issues and I failed to make him feel secure. He was waiting for a long time...and finally has given up. How he put it - he is worn out.

You see, the problem is - i do truly love this guy, for his good things and bad things regardless. He did love me very much and said i was his life. But I have worn him out by not giving him back what he was giving me....Now, this time he is not going to come back or give us another chance, and it terrifies me...I really don't know what else i can do...?!

As far as the therapy goes - I do not need that now. Perhaps I needed it before and should've done it, but now I am finally through it, came out of it for good! Trust me!...That's why it hurts even more that I don't have a chance now to prove it to him!...I've tried telling him, writing to him, talking last sunday face to face, but he has made his mind up and as far as he's concerned - not interested anymore.

If this other woman was not in touch with him, I would be at least 65% sure he would come back after doing his thinking. But now he talks to her on the phone probably every day - of course that takes his mind off me and puts his mind into thinking of her and when they meet etc. He did love her and waited for her for a year, and last year when she got in touch she was saying she never stopped loving him...I suppose this time she is saying she still never stopped loving him...And since he is so insecure and so much wants a family life and to settle - she looks like the right option for him...now he is free and rid of me and told me he doesn't love me anymore...

I am very clear in my head what i want now and that does include him. But what on earth can I do now?!...Maybe you have some ideas?......Please help me if you can.

[oksanauk]

...and what really upsets me is that he doesn't text or anything anymore, just cut me off and out of his life. Considering we wer texting loads every day while at work and all day if didn't see each other. He did say though that the reason for him not being in touch with me now - is that he doesn't want to give me false hopes...to me that tells me one thing - he's definitely decided this is the end and he will not give it a chance. Am I right?...

 

Well, after seeing him on Sunday I haven't heard from him and didn't contact him either...apart from last night I have sent him this text: "OK. You can switch your feelings on and off. But I'm worried about you too...as a friend here's what I have to tell you honestly: if you think J.(that woman) will make you happy...Then think again & do remember that if she loved you truly she would 1-not shoose her husband over you and 2-not leve you for 2 years! I don't want to see you hurt as you were by many women in your life..I care about you as a friend & don't mean any harm. You should know me by now"

 

...he hasn't replied...of course...Now what?...My friends are saying write him another letter, but this time not the feeling one but actually stating how I've changed in my mind, what would change if he was to come back etc. What do you think? Or maybe you can suggest another "strategic" move?....

[oksanauk]

you see, he's such a strong willed character, if he's decided - he's decided firmly. Last year he didn't, but this year he did. And it was me who he'd given a chance to last year, not the other way round. Now he is not willing to give me another chance to prove that things are different now. How can I get him to change his mind? What can I do to get him back?

 

Oh, and another thing he said to me on Sunday was that he will never ever forgive me for taking those pills and putting him through what I've put him through by doing that...

 

I am so tempted to go round his place again, but i don't think he will let me in this time..He doesn't want to talk and as far as he's concerned we've talked now and there is nothing else to discuss...

 

I just don't know what to do anymore....?

[PrincessLinzay]

First and foremost, I'm very sorry that you are suffering. Breakups are a hard bit of life to deal with.

 

At this point, and as much as it hurts, you have to leave him alone. He looked you in the eyes and told you he didn't love you anymore. Whether that be true or not, he had the gumption to say it. You know your own part in the demise of the relationship, so you have to understand that he also went through a lot of hurt with your comittment issues. (Understandable with the death of your husband).

 

Initiate NC and stick with it. If he wants to speak, he knows where to find you. In the meantime, start getting your life back again. You need to learn to be independent. This is a very attractive quality. Someone who doesn't "need" you but "wants" you in their life. Start doing the things you enjoy and with the suicide attempt, I would definitely seek the advice of a counselor or other professional. They can also help you through this.

 

Again, I am so sorry that all have this has happened to you, but You will get through this!.

 

Hang in there and Good Luck!

[oksanauk]

I also honestly think that if i didn't do that stupid thing and took those pills, i might have had another chance with him. It made him so angry and he did say on Sunday he will never forgive me for that... I've screwed up...big time!...

 

Today is such a bad day for me emotionally. My friends who I could talk to gone away for 2 weeks and I won't be able to contact them. My BF was the only other person I trusted and talked to. I feel devasted now. Absolutely devasted. I am no good being on my own. I never have been in my life and to be quite honest, never want to be. I am at the age and stage now where is I too want to feel secure and settled. But not just with anybody. When I met him I though the God saw all my sufferings and smiled at me. Every time I looked at my BF I was so proud!...I've screwed it up all by myself...wrapped up in my own self and didn't see it coming...Now it's too late. He's lost his love and he's given up on me...

[oksanauk]

the problem is, where I live is a beautiful place but a very isolated one. I have only a few friends who live far away. For me to make new friends - it's mission impossible and to meet someone - not in my village!..

The last thing i want to is to be like my mum and on her own all life and now turned into alchoholic...

[oksanauk]

i also would like to add that I am not proud of myself taking the pills and not going to ever ever do it again! it was very stupid indeed. I did tell my BF that he wasn't the only reason for it, everything has gone wromg, - debts, threat of redundancy, mum and he was just a final straw....The fact that i texted him saying i was doing it didn't help either and made him freak out.

I do seriously think that might have been the damage to any hope that we might get back together...but do u think if he really loved me that much, he would forgive me for that? st the moment he said he will never forgive me for that, but do u think if he really wanted to be with me and loved me regrdless - he would not think that an forget about that stupid thing i did?

[cleverme123]

I still think if he truly loved you he could not have shut you out like that, there was always something there for him and apparently the other lady was it. His love for her was apparently greater than his love for you. I really don't see that you have a chance to get him back. Texting him things telling him its a bad move will only make him pursue it more. Writing him letters visiting will make you seem desperate. Don't do it, you just ahve to back off and if it was meant to be it will be.

[oksanauk]

oh another thing he said when i took the pills and he was angry with me "I can't even be friends with you now.." Why do u think he said that?

[oksanauk]

I still think if he truly loved you he could not have shut you out like that, there was always something there for him and apparently the other lady was it. His love for her was apparently greater than his love for you. I really don't see that you have a chance to get him back. Texting him things telling him its a bad move will only make him pursue it more. Writing him letters visiting will make you seem desperate. Don't do it, you just ahve to back off and if it was meant to be it will be.

 

But do u think because of this pills business - he's been so put off now that it shut all his feelings down?...

[oksanauk]

i though of something, tell me what you think. The reason he's decided so firmly is definitely to do with those pills. If i didn't do that stupid stupid thing - he would have felt guilty eventually that he's left and probably would've come back by now. But because I've done what I've done - I am now the one who's hurt him and put him through hell that day. This way he's not feeling guilty and actually feels like he's got an upper hand in all this.

All thoughout my conversations and letters and texts i was blaming myself totally. Not even once did i say it was in any way any of his fault... Maybe i took a wrong approach..But i was feeling like a very bad cat after those pills and did feel extremely guilty

 

Do u think if one loved me that much they would forgive me for that?...

[cleverme123]

I think it is only an excuse to the real problem. Yes taking pills to try to win someone back strikes off as both immature and selfish, but....there are other obvious issues going on with him. It isn't just the pills, he sounds as though he has been in turmoil in the relationship for a long time looking for a way out and now he has an excuse.

 

He isn't coming back, you mise well face it now and the longer you keep trying to figure out why the more your going to drive yourself crazy.

[oksanauk]

I am indeed going through torture...last night couldn't help but texted him, and again he doesn't reply.

This morning is awful...i feel terrified, frightened, scared, desparate. It's like someone dies..again. But it's worst...

I am thinking of going round his place tomorrow and have another chat if he lets me in or doesn't drive away when he sees me. I know it's humiliating myself, but what have i got to lose?...

[cleverme123]

You keep harassing him and he is going to slap an anti harassment suit on you it will prevent any future contact including text, visit, etc. You are starting to walk a very fine line. He is not interested, you need to move on.

[freeindeed]

Don't do it! I beg you.

 

Trust me, I've been there before...and you've got a lot to lose if you decide to stop by his house.

 

Firstly, if he hasn't invited you over, then he'll think it's psychotic that you're just showing up. That's what stalkers do. You know how frightening it is to have a stalker? Even if it's someone you know.

 

I decided to drive by the exes one night, and he wasn't home, so I called him on his phone and he didn't answer. I started having anxiety so I just called and called and called over and over and over until he picked up. When he did he told me that it's psychotic and pathetic what I was doing. I was embarrasing myself in front of him and his best friend (whom I've known for a long time). He said he was disgusted with me and that he wouldn't come home that night because he knew I was waiting for him in front of his home (I had done this before).

 

If you think about it ( as i did)...it is the most gross and desperate thing to do...it makes you seem like you can't exist without him and that's unattractive to a guy.

That night, he ended up hanging up on me and then not answering. I cried and begged and pleaded, even promised to do something that I would have NEVER normally done. I became an ugly disgusting person. And to this day I regret the first moment I thought about "just showing up" at his home, because after I did it once, I couldn't stop. I felt so impulsive that I just had to do it. Now he doesn't have any respect for me whatsoever, he treats me like dirt.

 

The best thing for you (as is for me) is to just stay away. If not just to give yourself some sanity back, then also to allow another human being his space because the more you force him to see you, the more he'll want to run away.

 

Please pm me any time...I think I understand the impulses you are feeling right now.

 

Meanwhile, take care of yourself, really good care.