When does sex stop hurting?

[SparklingKaren]

I was just wondering, when does sex stop hurting? When does it start feeling good? I've had sex three times, none of which have been meaningful encounters. The last time I was turned on and everything. It felt good, up until we actually had sex. I don't think he was any bigger than usual. He said I didn't open my legs wide enough, and he said i was really tight, but i had a hard time opening them more because it was hurting.

 

I just can't imagine it ever feeling good. When does it start getting better? I'm just kind of curious. How many times does it take before it finally starts to feel good?

[Caldus]

Maybe you're just nervous? Try to relax next time.

[SparklingKaren]

i'm not sure how to relax. You're right..i do get nervous. but i don't know how to not tense up. i get tense because it hurts, but it probably hurts more because i'm tense.

[Caldus]

That's probably why. So ask yourself why you're so nervous. Are you super self-conscious about your body? Are you afraid of what your boyfriend thinks of your body? Are you afraid that he will think the sex is bad? Are you afraid because it would always hurt before? Just throwing out some ideas.

[justagirl20f]

Sex never hurt for me... Maybe you're just not really ready and so because you said yourself none of the times was a meaningful encounter, maybe you need to stop having sex and wait for that right guy to come along and make you feel good.

[SparklingKaren]

well i am kind of afraid he'll think the sex is bad. i even apologized afterward when he said i was too tight and that at first he couldn't get in all the way. but mostly i think i tense up because it hurt in the past.

[Amethyst]

I agree with justagirl. A red flag went up in my mind when I read this part of your post:

 

I've had sex three times, none of which have been meaningful encounters.

 

It hurts so much because you aren't into it in the slightest.

 

Sex isn't just something you do because you're bored or because you think you have to. Sex is the most intimate connection between two people. EVERY time you have sex should be a "meaningful encounter"; and, if it isn't, then the question is really whether you should currently be having sex AT ALL.

 

(BTW: The fact that you also point out you were only "turned on" the last time is another indication that you don't need to be having sex. One shouldn't have sex unless s/he wants it; and, if s/he wants it, s/he'll be turned on.)

[SparklingKaren]

Well I really did want it. Even if there is no emotional attachment, i still do have a sex drive. physically i did want to do what i did, the last two times anyway. i mean i'm really into it. it feels really good up until we actually have sex.

[Amethyst]

Karen, try re-reading your posts. You continuously qualify how much you 'wanted it' by saying something like "the last time, anyway". Take a look at your reply to me to see an example:

 

Well I really did want it. Even if there is no emotional attachment, i still do have a sex drive. physically i did want to do what i did, the last two times anyway. i mean i'm really into it. it feels really good up until we actually have sex.

 

Who are you really trying to convince, us or yourself?

 

You need to take a step back and really think about whether you're truly ready for sex or not. Just because you're 20-years-old and have a sex drive doesn't mean you're ready for sex. As I said, sex is NOT just a physical experience...it has a lot of emotional ties. (And, I'm not talking about emotional ties to the partner; although, that is part of it. I'm talking about emotional ties that say you WANT to have sex EMOTIONALLY. You have to have a deep-seeded desire to have it; not just a surface desire that says 'my body wants it so I'll do it'.)

 

To answer your question about pain, let me state this: It will continue to hurt as long as you continue on this road. The only way the [pain of] sex will change is if you and your attitude about sex change. As long as you see it as purely physical and do it just because you think biology demands it, you are going to continue to hate the experience.

[glen]

I am also a liitle bit confuse with this regards, we had wonderful sex for fist 2 months, she was extremly wet at that time, now almost about 6 months, she say it hurts and I notice some minor bleeding also, she seems to afraid of sex now, not sure it that after sometime,it starts to hurt?

[nexus532]

It all depends on how often you have sex. Or maybe you just naturally tight, and the males were to big for you. Don't worry about it too much, just go with the flow and things will be fine.

[arwen]

Hey Karen,

 

I assume the partner is still the same guy as you talked about in your last topic?

 

There are different reasons why sex can hurt:

 

* when you have sex for the first couple of times in your life. For me that must have been the first 10 times, I was with with that man in a loving relationship for over a year by the time I decided I was ready

 

* when you have emotional 'blockages', i.e. you are not capable of relaxing even if you really want to have sex.

 

* when you are not turned on (simply put: to dry ), which was not the case for you

 

Maybe you don't want me to ask this, but I am a bit concerned about your situation... you told things about this guy, and now you say you are afraid HE will think the sex is bad. Why are you still sleeping with him?

 

I hope you are feeling better than the last time here on enotalone!

 

On the whole, I can tell you that even if you like a person, the sex is not necessarily good. One of my exes (well, I have only two exes I also slept with) was not really compatible with me in bed. That made sex hurt occasionally.

 

Ilse.

[RayKay]

It sounds like you are not ready. Physically yes you may be, but you are not ready for all the emotional involvement (and thereforeeee risk) that comes along with it. If you are tensing up, that is my guess anyway.

 

Could also be lack of foreplay or lack of sexual chemistry between you and your partner (which can be improved with communication - if you can't talk about it together you should not be doing it together!).

 

And since it is your first couple times, that may be a reason too as you are not used to relazing those vaginal muscles yet to accommodate a penis.

 

But I am going to go with the real reason being lack of emotional intimacy, and feelings. Sex can yes be "just about sex" but even then it requires that you give yourself to someone else..and so it is not "just sex". Sex IS meaningful, and it should not just be meaningful one time, it should be treated as something valuable.

[RayKay]

I am also a liitle bit confuse with this regards, we had wonderful sex for fist 2 months, she was extremly wet at that time, now almost about 6 months, she say it hurts and I notice some minor bleeding also, she seems to afraid of sex now, not sure it that after sometime,it starts to hurt?

 

She may have an infection - yeast infection, or maybe even cervical dysplasia, or even an STD. Since she should go to her gynocologist at least once a year anyway, she should go for her annual exam and tell them what is going on.

 

Or, it may be lack of lubrication. Natural lubrication can ebb and flow (pun intended) with her cycle/hormone leves, emotions, stress, foreplay, etc. Try using some lube. Even when you are able to naturally lubricate, lube can allow you to go longer more comfortably anyway (and lots of lube is great way to get multiple O's!). Try something like Astroglide, or my favourite "Oh My!" which is an organic lube. And try more foreplay - oral, etc to add moisture. She may just be getting to feel like sex is too routine, so mix it up!

[prtybaby21]

ok, even if you think you werent dry, try this.

load on lubricant

load it on, thats what helped me alot. because i thought i was all lubricated up, but he still wouldnt fit, i added more and it slid right it, there was only pressure, but not painful.

 

hope this helps.

[June4life]

Sex should no longer hurt after you have had sex about 5-10 times.

 

If it is painful honestly try using a lubricant such as KY Jelly or Astroglide. They GREATLY decrease the pain associated with first timers!!

[vimora]

Sex hurt with my first boyfriend, it would always be good up until the point of intercourse then I would get nervous and tense up. I would always be anticipating the hurt. With my current boyfriend, things are better, he's really patient.

 

The key thing is to relax 'cause if you try to force it when you're not completely relaxed it might hurt, I've even ripped. But if I'm completely relaxed it's much easier and I can start to enjoy it. I'm still too tight at times (why couldn't I be one of those girls that don't hurt, oh well, we're all made different) so I've been meaning to get some lubricant, from what I hear it greatly facilitates things. So key thing, relax those muscles, get him to stimulate you, stimulate yourself, have him whispers sweet things (or dirty- depending on the person), try not to think about how it hurt previous times and think that instead, this is time it's going to be good, or it's going to be better.

 

And if he's not being patient with you (like my ex) and getting frustrated because you're finding it difficult, then maybe you need to talk to him or move along, 'cause if he's unwilling to help you or understand or he's blaming you than maybe being intimate with this guy isn't the best idea. Ok, just my two cents.