Leave the past in the past?

[brokengurlx]

Hello, I'm in a bit of a situation. I'm just torn today. I'll start off at the beginning. In 2013 I was asked to join a traveling magazine sales group(mag crew) I accepted, and had gotten a bus ticket to Colorado. I got there, met the crew and I met a guy. He was sweet, funny, amazing, etc. We hung out the next two days in a row, and ended up getting together the third day( yes quick, we just felt a connection) the next few months were just so amazing, we traveled together, and had so much fun. Until the day he traveled to a different state for work (the boss splits the crew up sometimes). The whole next week we were away the other crew members kept teasing me that he was staying at some house with some girl and they were f**king, etc... I was so upset. And I asked him about it and he admitted to be staying at a house with the girl ( keep in mind, my bf and this girl has f**ked in the past) so i wasn't comfortable w it... After another week of being teased. I just came to thought, damn, I guess he really is ing her. So I decided to just end the relationship... and I ended up having s*x with another crew member about four days later.. (I make no excuses, I was just lonely, upset, confused, torn.. ) I just needed to feel loved. And the guy I f**D fed me lies I wanted to hear... It was once. And it never happened again. Four days after that, my ex returns. We get into an argument (he admits to f*cking her TWICE), I admitted to f*cking the other guy.. he swears up and down he only did it because he 'heard' that i ed the other guy... we talked for hours, we both cried, we confessed that we were actually in love with each other. we forgave each other and continued on our relationship, it was amazing the next year. perfect. happiest girl ever. until one day the boss split us up again. And that whole next week I was hearing rumors again that he was f*cking another crew member.... I asked him about it, he denied... i put my trust in him that he didn't... about four days later, I got so irritated at the fact that the boss kept splitting us up, that I just straight up quite, and came and picked him up and we left to go live in my hometown for about half a year, and then we moved to texas for aboutttt 2 years, leading up to today. IT's been amazing,, perfect, anything a girl could ask for, he works, comes home, and is with me, so I know he most likely isn't cheating. I'm not worried about that these days. Because I have friends who watch him at work to make sure he's behaving lol. I have been faithful to him ever since the day i ed the other crew member.. Because i love him sosososooo much. but today, I woke up to a message from an old magazine crew member saying "i was supposed to keep this a secret, but since your boyfriend wants to talk sh*t on facebook, I'm gunna just tell you." and he went on to tell me that my boyfriend did that crew member while we we split (split meaning the crew was split in half we were NOT broken up) and the guy that messaged me and told me this was THEIR ROOMATE, him, my boyfriend, and the girl were all roomates. SO I know this guy isn't bluffing. If he was he wouldn't of waited 2 years to tell me,,, like I'm so so torn dude. I spent 3 years with this dude. and i do love him with every part of me. We been through rough times but we are stronger than ever.... it's just when I read that message this morning , I was torn. Upset, confused. If he lied about that, what else has he lied about.. and is he still doing it... so many questions ran through my mind. I don't know if I should just leave the past in the past... or ask him... Because it'll be so hard just pretending like nothings wrong.... I can't pretend I'm happy when i'm so upset on the inside... these past couple years have beeen amazing. and I just want to believe that maybe he had a change of heart and won't cheat now because he truly does love me now... like. I don't have anyone to talk to, literally noone, I don't talk to my family for personal reasons, and I don't talk to any friends. So, I came on here.... I truly love him and I pray that he had a change of heart and chose to be with me and only me. Or I will be so heart broken.... My life would never be the same.. We moved to a different state, left all our friends behind, family, etc. If i lost him, i would have literally noone.. I'm so scared... he's my entire world please tell me what you think, and please no hate. I'm seriously distraught, I don't need anyone being rude...

[DoF]

I believe in tough love, so I'm sorry if this comes off rude (not meant to be).

 

If you still have any doubt to disengage from this person....then you have some deep issues of your own that you need to work out. Seriously.

 

This guy is NOT Long Term Relationship material. You are not either. People that want LTR don't just jump into bed with others without taking time to get to know them well or before they are in a relationship with them. It takes time (as in MONTHS to get to that point).

 

You guys had a fling, that's it. He meets girls like you and sleeps with them as he pleases. Then you had a fling with another men.

 

Now the stage is set and you are simply a girl that gets around. I know this might hurt, but it's the reality and a result of YOUR actions.

 

You also need to learn a difference between love and infatuation/crush. They are completely different things. No, you don't love him. And if you do love such person that sleeps around with women and expect some kind of LTR deal, then you are troubled.

 

Look, if you want a fling, everything you are doing is right.

 

If you are looking for LTR, then everything you are doing is wrong. Date, spend time, get to know the person and make sure they are actually a LTR material. Make sure they are a good person (attraction is only like 5% of the battle)....and most importantly INVEST TIME, LOTS OF TIME. And see if the persons words and actions line up. Once in a relationship and you know them well, you can start thinking about being intimate.

 

Look up "early intimacy/long term relationships". There is so many cons, it's not even worth considering it. You simply put the relationship into over drive and miss important building blocks of the process. You also become blind and miss important red flags (which is pretty clear in your post).

 

You also refuse to accept REALITY, which is, this guy is a player and NOT LTR material.

 

You have set yourself up for failure, I'm sorry. Best thing you can do is learn from all of this and never repeat the same mistakes again.

 

I also recommend STD test asap (even if condom was used). I also recommend studying on long term relationships, you need a lot of work!

[Hazyillusions]

I think the only option is to break up.

How can you trust him? Why would you.

[brokengurlx]

Thanks for your brutally honest comment.

And, I'm offended by your 'getting around' comment.

I was young and dumb, I made my mistakes and learned from them.

Since then, I put my trust into him. Hoping he was changed, because I know that I changed, for the better and he promised me he had too.

I know he hasn't cheated since then, but still upsets me.. We didn't fall in love quickly, that wasn't what I was meaning, It took time, but when we did confess we promised to be better to each other and I did, I was better, I was faithful, but he wasn't...

And yes, I got tested twice after each time I learned he cheated, and have got tested twice since we moved. I go for a checkups. I have gave my last 2 1/2 years to this man... I gave up everything for him. And I know, He's a cheater, erc. But, there's just that part of me who just hopes he isn't anymore..

[DoF]

Thanks for your brutally honest comment.

And, I'm offended by your 'getting around' comment.

I was young and dumb, I made my mistakes and learned from them.

Since then, I put my trust into him. Hoping he was changed, because I know that I changed, for the better and he promised me he had too.

 

HUGE MISTAKE

 

Trust NO ONE, EVER. Allow the person to EARN your trust. No ONE should ever have your trust by default. I used to think this way, got me into TON of trouble.

 

Also, most people NEVER change. You need to recognize and accept the person in front of you. Not create some fantasy in your mind of what the person can be. Change is HARD and those that do manage to change are a small % of the population!!!

 

Longer you live, the more above will sink in (just takes time/experience IMO).

 

Everything you have done is quite normal at your age, so don't get too offended or be hard on yourself.

 

I know he hasn't cheated since then, but still upsets me.. We didn't fall in love quickly, that wasn't what I was meaning, It took time, but when we did confess we promised to be better to each other and I did, I was better, I was faithful, but he wasn't...

And yes, I got tested twice after each time I learned he cheated, and have got tested twice since we moved. I go for a checkups. I have gave my last 2 1/2 years to this man... I gave up everything for him. And I know, He's a cheater, erc. But, there's just that part of me who just hopes he isn't anymore..

 

That part of you needs to be dealt with and addressed. It's not a smart part, trust me.

 

History is the best indicator of the future. This guy never was and never will be LTR material.

 

It's equivalent to men's saying "don't try to make a prostitute into a housewife".

 

Work on yourself and most importantly LEARN from it all. That's the best thing you can do going forward.

 

Good luck

[HeartGoesOn]

The bottom line is you don't trust this guy, and rightly so. You're walking on eggshells while waiting for the next shoe to drop, along with constantly second guessing yourself. What kind of life is that?

 

IT's been amazing,, perfect, anything a girl could ask for, he works, comes home, and is with me, so I know he most likely isn't cheating. I'm not worried about that these days. Because I have friends who watch him at work to make sure he's behaving lol.

 

The above is just another example of putting him on a leash, and feeling the need to "police" him. In short, I think you're being way too harsh with yourself by attempting to fix something that isn't fixable. It is what it is, and unfortunately you can't change him into a person you'd like him to be. Please give this some serious thought, and I hope you find your way.