Is it rude? Break it off?

[odysseus77]

Ok...I went out on this one date with a girl. Things seemed to go VERY well, I payed for dinner, we talked had decent conversation. At the end of the night she told me how amazing I was and how different from every other guy I am (tru), and said she wanted to be more than friends. I said maybe I did too (her morals were the same, so I was very interested), but we should go on another date. DATE TWO: I tried to dig deeper to find if she was relationship material. I dug to find similar interests, but there were none or few. She was a little dull to be honest. Here's what REALLY irked me though...at dinner i asked if she could pay her half tonight since I got paid the day after and was real low...she tells me she left her money at home...so basically she had no plans or intentions of paying (so i put it on an already maxed credit card)...does anyone else think thats kinda rude or pompous? This was what really turned me off to her...but whats worse, when we went back to her house to watch a movie, stupid me started cuddling and kissing her, and now she wont stop calling even after me not answering for a week...what do I do? Am I overreacting? I hate breaking off with people cause i hate hurting people...what do i do!!!!

[Caldus]

does anyone else think thats kinda rude or pompous? This was what really turned me off to her...

 

Um, not really. I mean she just forgot it that's all. She was probably thinking you were going to pay again.

 

but whats worse, when we went back to her house to watch a movie, stupid me started cuddling and kissing her, and now she wont stop calling even after me not answering for a week...what do I do? Am I overreacting?

 

Whoa wait a minute.

 

So you thought she was dull yet you start trying to kiss her and all of that stuff. So uh, why did you do it then? If you're not interested then you need to let her know. Stop leading her on. That really hurts people in the end. I've lead on a girl before and trust me it's not a good idea.

 

I hate breaking off with people cause i hate hurting people...what do i do!!!!

 

If you're going to date someone then don't try to kiss her even if you're not interested in her personality. But you know what, you do what you want to do. Just keep in mind that you shouldn't ever settle for something less. Good luck to you in the future.

[odysseus77]

i know she thought i was going to pay for her again...but dont you think its rude to assume someone else will pay for you...i mean she doesn't even say thank you for it either...my friend, when he met his girlfriend, he always payed for her, but she always at least offered and said thank you...i think that is the polite thing to do but maybe im wrong

[Caldus]

i know she thought i was going to pay for her again...but dont you think its rude to assume someone else will pay for you...i mean she doesn't even say thank you for it either...my friend, when he met his girlfriend, he always payed for her, but she always at least offered and said thank you...i think that is the polite thing to do but maybe im wrong

 

Well yes it is inconsiderate of her to not say thank you. But the problem is not just her. It's you as well. You're leading her on and she has no idea yet. Seriously, if you're not interested then why are you still letting her think you like her a lot?

[Mike_Wazowski]

If I ask a girl out on a date, I pay. if she asked me, I pay half. If we both agree about going on a date (no one person asked the other), then I pay half......

A guy can't be expected to flip the bill each and every time.

[Strandysmommy]

Well, I guess from girl's perspective...if that really matters; if you ask her out, generally the person asking out pays. I mean that's just the un written rule. It's not a pompus or rude thing of her to assume you were going to pay. I mean yea she could have some cash to help with the tip or something, but geesh, if you make her to believe you like her, and ask her out on a date, what else is she supposed to think?

 

As for the kissing and cuddling; I've been the girl in that position, the guy wasn't into me like that, he just saw me as a friend "after all". This was after cuddling, kissing and all that mushy junk. If you don't want to hurt her, you'd better nip it in the bud NOW, and be humble as dirt when you do it, because I guarentee it's going to hurt her bad. If I sound all hyped up over this, it's because I've been there, I've been on the recieving end of it after being strung along for a month or two.

[San123]

If a guy asks me out I assume he is going to pay, it's not rude of her at all... you should have told her beforehand.

[Zimetra]

I always pay half, unless he really insists. Maybe this is a cultural difference, but hey, I'm a grown woman, I have my own salary which probably equals his, and I believe in sexual equality - I don't see the reason why he should pay...

[justagirl20f]

YOU PAY, GUYS. Jeez. You know the whole man courts woman thing? Yeah, just because a bunch of women burned their bras and decided they wanted to be treated like men didn't change any of that.

 

A) If you can't afford to date, don't date.

B) If you take a woman out, there's nothing wrong with her expecting you to pay. In fact, that's the way it SHOULD be.

C) She pays if she decides she wants to treat you. No splitting unless she suggests it. Or if SHE invites you somewhere, she will, if she's any kind of girl, pay.

 

You guys have to come off this expecting 50/50 crap. Ultimately, if the relationship is a good one, things will even out. For instance, my BF paid for 100% of the dates for the first month or so. Had he asked me to split even once in that time, he'd have been gone. Of course, I never had any objection to his suggestion to stay in and watch TV (which was free) so it wasn't about how much money he spent. Then about month 2 I treated him maybe once a week. He'd still pay twice for every once I paid. Now that we've been together for nearly forever, we're pretty near 50/50 in what we each contribute.

 

The KEY is he never asks me to pay. He hasn't once said "Jenn can you get your half cuz... yada yada yada" I now pull my share for the same reason I lean over and open his car door after he lets me in... I love and respect him. He would be insulted if I didn't get my half sometimes, and I realize this. Your GF should too. At the same time, he's never considered the money he spent on me early one (before it was 50/50) as anything less than a good investment.

 

But you never EVER ask her to get half. EVER. That's this modern day crap that confuses guys. Guys nowadays are taught to treat girls like equals, and then they get frustrated when she leaves them for someone that treats them like the females they are. It's like this... A female can walk into a bar or mall (or heck, a church for that matter) and find a guy to have a good time with any day of the week. That's reality. That's biology. You guys have to work harder for female attention. Again, simple biology. This includes paying (or expecting to pay) whenever you enjoy the pleasure of that lady's company.

 

If a month or so if she hasn't made any effort to contribute, then talk to her about doing cheaper things. She'll get the hint. But never ask her to pay. I don't care what magazine tells you the opposite. Girls won't take a guy who EXPECTS them to be 50/50 right off the bat seriously.

 

As far as the "I cuddled and now darn it she keeps calling" thing... Um yeah, she's so dumb. She thought you liked her because you cuddled with her. I wonder how she got that idea.

[Caldus]

I am all for paying 100% for dates. Most of the time though the girl I'm dating ends up just paying her half without me even asking her anyway. I will pay for all of it unless she doesn't want me to. Also, I want to stress though that the girl should say "thank you" because I remember going on a date and the girl didn't say thank you for anything I paid for. I mean it doesn't matter if you're on a date or not. If someone buys something for you (be it a guy or a girl) then I think it's common courtesy to just to at least quickly say thank you. People will probably disagree with me but oh well.

[Zimetra]

That sounds really arrogant to me. Sorry for the guys who have to date you. And sorry for you, because you deprive yourself of your own independence.

[Zimetra]

Ahm, Caldus I didn't mean you, I was talking to the previous poster... (justagirl)

[justagirl20f]

Zimetra... First of all, no guy has ever HAD to date me. The ones that have had the OPPORTUNITY to in the past never complained, and all my relationships have been long-term. Like I said, it's an investment the guy makes into his future with a worthwhile lady. I attract the kind of guys I want to, and you will attract the kind you want to and we can all be happy.

 

As far as how independance relates to guys paying on a date? I don't quite understand that. I would agree with you, if I didn't have the ABILITY to pay and RELIED on him for everything that makes me happy, but since that isn't the case, I don't feel it applies in this situation.

 

Caldus... Absolutely 100% she should say thank you. She should treat you like gold, as every woman should treat her man. With the utmost respect and affection. In fact, watch for other things like her unlocking your car door for you after you let her in, her holding the second of two doors into/out of a building for you, stuff like that... This is just some of the stuff my BF owns up to "watching for" when we started dating.

 

He's also enjoyed lengthy massages, a variety of material things when the urge strikes me to buy an "I love you" gift, and stuff like that. So don't think I'm saying you will never get a RETURN on your investment. That isn't the case at all. The thing is, just never EXPECT it or DEMAND it that's all... I'm sure that makes sense.

 

Basically what it comes down to, you have to expect that SOMEONE is gonna say something like "no it should be 50/50 Justagirl you're a selfish brat" but in all honesty, most girls expect to be treated the way I do. You know why? Because if you won't, somewhere out there is a guy who WILL treat us that way. In fact, there are often so many guys after girls they need SOMETHING to weed them out by, naturally it's gonna be the way they're treated. I think guys who try to hard to encourage 50/50 as a matter of principle are gonna make it harder on themselves in the long run. They could be the greatest guys, but they'll get weeded out because girls interpret that (right or wrong as it may be) as you being cheap.

 

But don't worry, if you play the dating game right, it does come back to you 100-fold. I think while our dates are 50/50 and he still buys me more expensive gifts (girls ARE easier to buy for) he gets a ton of stuff that a $$$ value can't be placed on. Then again, I really don't have to justify my situation...

 

And actually, come to think of it, I've never had to dump a guy because he expected me to pay 50/50 right away... Not once. It just kinda goes without saying in my experience. So it must really not be so much of an issue, at least not in my circle.

[Spirits Away]

I agreed that it's a cultural & environmental differences. I also agree that it's a type of "generous" response that girls believed they sense when the guys pay "at least for the first few dates". That is told to me from few of my female friends. But some guys just don't feel the need to, really. If that's the kind of things the girls care too much about, then too bad. You got your call, we got our standards as well. All it means is that the two bottom line collided and that both the male and female are turned off.

 

justagirl, if those guys at the bar hit on you, then you go for it. Subtexted or not, It's none of our business. Besides, your example isn't a good one cause guys can also goto bars and hit on as many girls as they like.

 

I mean, i'm glad you and your boyfriend worked out in this particular way you've described it. But do notice that it doesn't have to be that way. In fact, you took it to an extreme and made a terrible offensive generalization about how guys are "confused" whether we should pay or not. It's very clear in a lot of our 'guy' mind whether we should pay or not. Don't generalize like that. Or maybe you can generalize that at the age of 11-15, they may not be so sure. But even then i'm not certain. You spoke like you've figured us out.

 

Male who doesn't find money a problem, never really think about it. And guess what? That means he doesn't care enough to pay for you.

Some guys doesn't pay just to see how the girl is like.

While others, had their last date not paying, so this one to just be another date.

 

As for the poster's question, I think you should let that cue go and observe longer. It's unfair for her to be perceived like that just because she didn't bring her wallet. Just remember that there are many girls out there. If she is like how you've pictured her, and it bothers you, then go for another one.

[justagirl20f]

"...But some guys just don't feel the need to, really. If that's the kind of things the girls care too much about, then too bad. You got your call, we got our standards as well. All it means is that the two bottom line collided and that both the male and female are turned off."

 

Absolutely right. And considering I'm a one man woman, as I believe all women should be, I can't expect to be loved by every man. Truth be told, I'm very generous and caring towards male and female friends alike, and in a situation like this where "bottom lines collided" he may well end up becoming a good friend. While I have never had to deal with the situation, I don't think I would get mad if he expected me to pay on one of the first few dates. I'd readily and happily pay. From that point on, he'd be catagorized as a potential friend, and he'd not get a chance to make BF status... The REASON for that you state yourself below...

 

"...And you were offending the male race here as well. Just because we don't pay doesn't mean we're "confused". Don't assume that.

Or are you referring to the 13 year old boys?..."

 

Actually, I was referring to the younger boys. Not really men who are older, they're not confused.

 

"Male who doesn't find money a problem, never really think about it. And guess what? That means he doesn't care enough to pay for you."

 

This is what I mean (if I understood you correctly) and this is the whole reason I insist he take the initiative to pay the first few dates. If he cares about impressing me, and feels I am worth that investment, he'll take the initiative to pay. If he doesn't, it's a huge red flag that states he's not that into me. Is it a perfect scientific method? Nah. I may have missed out on one or two great guys who were just "testing" me... But it's a tradeoff. You'll never catch me on here saying I don't understand my man's selfishness or dissinterest in me... I weeded them out from date one/two/three.

 

"Some guys doesn't pay just to see how the girl is like."

 

Then they could lose a good girl, while she loses a good guy. I guess it can happen.

 

Anyway, I didn't mean to insult you... Just stating a fact that it's generally accepted the guy courts the girl. I mean, if you all think that should be changed, fine. But in general, boys reading this should know that women expect to be taken out the first few times. Don't let anything confuse you into thinking otherwise. That's all.

[Spirits Away]

I'm glad we've settled this.

[odysseus77]

See, justagirl, I think we disagree greatly on one main concept, here is a quote explaining your take on it, "This includes paying (or expecting to pay) whenever you enjoy the pleasure of that lady's company." You believe that it is a privilage for the guy to be on the date with the girl...I believe it is equally a privilage for her to be on a date with me. Shes not the only great catch, so am I, so I'm not gonna put her on a pedastal higher than myself. And another thing, maybe its just me, but I dont think love or someones affection should be bought, which is what it kinda sounds like what you were saying with, "Had he asked me to split even once in that time, he'd have been gone"....thats my view of the situation

 

[justagirl20f]

Don't think for a moment I don't believe I'm lucky to have my BF, or place him on a pedestal. But we've been dating for a while... Now, when we first started dating, he WAS lucky to be spending time with me. I'd picked him out of everyone else who wanted my attention that day or that night. He had something that I wanted right away, I could feel we were meant for one another.

 

But had he asked me to split or assumed I would early on, I'd have worried he either wasn't that into me, or was cheap (which is one in the same thing, because even the cheapest guy jumps through hoops for a girl he's trying to impress).

 

I use it (as most women do) to be a tool of determining how this guy is likely to treat us in the distant future. 50/50 is expected after the courtship period... If he's totally bypassing the courtship period how much does he really think I'm worth, if he's not even courting me?

 

Differing opinions... Like I said, my non-foolproof, very unscientific method worked to attract my BF whom I adore. It also worked to keep me OUT of the relationships I see complained about here, with selfish or neglectful men. Your views will be taken into consideration by women you date. There's nothing wrong with that. I'm sure you are as much of a priviledge to hang out with as she is...

 

I have a suggestion for you, though. If the time comes you're frustrated in your dating life, and you meet a girl you could totally fall for, play things my way, court her, and let her figure out how great you are. It does come back for you 100-fold. Sometimes principle can be put on the back burner.

[traz]

I don't have a problem with guys paying for dates. I'd always pay for a date.

 

But, the issue I have, and that alot of the guys here are having, is the attitude that we HAVE to pay for the date. Excuse me? I should have to PAY to go out with a girl? I don't think so. I WILL pay to go out with a girl, but it shouldn't be assumed that I will..if that makes sense.

 

To sum it up, I'll pay for a date because I WANT to, not beacuse I'm SUPPOSED to.

 

Back to the original post...the fact that she left her money at home could be an indication that she expected you to pay, which I could see as a tad rude. Not too much though, a minor issue all in all, but yes, I can see it as rude.

 

However, you dug your own whole when you decided to kiss and cuddle her. Lie in your bed dearie You pretty much have to suck it up and tell her that you don't want to pursue a relationship with her, if thats what you want. The longer it drags on, the harder it becomes.

[odysseus77]

justagirl....i can kinda agree with you on some of the things you're saying, and you're right...if i met a girl i was totally digging, i probably would be more willing do dish a little more just because the time spent is well worth it...but what im still saying is that you say, "Now when we first started dating, he WAS lucky to be spending time with me. I'd picked him out of everyone else who wanted my attention." Just understand that you didn't just pick him outta a crowd, he picked you outta a crowd. There could have been many girls prying for his attention and you got it. Making you eqaually lucky right from the start. Like in my position right now, Ive got about 3 girls who want to be going out with me at one time, so whenever I choose one, it is them who are lucky to be with me...just as i am lucky to be with them...you seem to think that guys do all the chasing and girls get to just pick who they want...but believe me, MANY girls are chasing too, and plenty guys get to do the picking...thats all im saying....the pleasure of spending time is equal from right off the bat

[ComputerGuy]

OK I have to disagree with some of the stuff justagirl said. Thats pretty unfair to basically say someone doesnt deserve to date because he wont pay the bill. I pay when I take a girl out, I ALWAYS offer to pay/split if I go out with anyone...friends or otherwise, but right now, I have just moved states, have just payed over $1000 in bills so I have no savings, I am still looking for a new job, I have no car as I had to sell it when I moved to pay for the move. Does this mean I don't deserve to have someone? It's not my fault I dont have a lot of money, it's just how life is, but I dont think I should be amde to feel like less of a person and not deserving of something because of money.

[Zimetra]

I dont think love or someones affection should be bought,

 

Exactly.

 

 

Justagirl: Do you believe in equal rights for women and men? If you answer this question with yes, then there's an error in your reasoning.

[Spirits Away]

I think justagirl is just a little bit extreme on her tonality, but i do see her point. She's trying to, just like my other female friends, tell the guys that it's better to pay for the date than not. It's no use arguing about it, that's how most female would like to be treated. With no money to date only means to the girl that you don't have money. Some will find it rather strange, while others will understand. Most of the guy posters here don't mind doing so, they just don't want to be taken for granted.

 

I dont think love or someones affection should be bought

 

I think the quote is right, but that's not really what the posts are leading. They're just saying that there's an advantage to date with money than not, with a bit of overtonality involved. But, to add in my comment, I would definitely not date someone who cares way too much about something as little as a bill. If these little things would lead the girl to generalize you as a person and just cut you off rather than get observed more carefully, then she's really not worth it.

 

As for equality, it's quite a modern concept. Looking from this post, I would guess that some girl likes equality, some girls would like to be treated as female.

 

But tell you the truth, when it comes to paying for date. I'd rather just surface the topic just to see how the girl thinks about it.

[Zimetra]

I would guess that some girl likes equality, some girls would like to be treated as female

 

In my opinion, equality does NOT contrast with being treated as female.

 

Does paying my own bills make me less female?? Forget about old thinking patterns and consider this question.

[Spirits Away]

Look, don't play with my words here. I did not say it's a contrast. You're the only one who tries to contrast ideas. Right after a poster commented on how guys should pay, you said this

 

Zimetra

you deprive yourself of your own independence.

 

You're the one who linked independence & paying bill as a contrast.

 

 

But one thing i'm sure is that it's correlated. I sometimes think if female strive too much for equality, in the end things won't flow their way. Besides, when you don't look for it, it's not there. I always wonder why female thinks they're being bullied when i see none. In workplace, it's all in the way they communicate. When you clearly see how female say things, you can see why female get less attention in a male dominating world. In contrast, if male were to survive in a female dominating world, the male would not get as much credits from their female bosses.

 

Besides, i think female get too hung up on personal relationship, readily gets jealous, talk behind each other, as well as big vengence sign on their forehead, and emotional. They are not good communicators with male species either. How can we expect to take you seriously? (don't attack, just think of the comment as how an average male brain would interpret female, you can state facts though)

 

Of course, if a male is to live in a world that are dominated by female, there would also be that communication gap as well as interpreting us as careless beings.

 

Just know if you chose to strive for equality, you'll be taken even less seriously cause whether you gets treated equally is not to strive for it directly by saying you need equality, but that people needs to observe and gain respect from you in your overall composture. Heck i'm having trouble gaining it. It has so much to do with competency as well as doing the right thing at the right time.