Unfulfilment - my thoughts on infidelity

[volution]

It's such a depressing topic..

I for one would never cheat on my beloved. I know, these are only words, and many people say the same phrase and don't really mean it. And how do you prove to someone you would never cheat?

Do so many people really go through their relationships and lives never saying things like "I will never be unfaithful to you?" because they automatically assume that it's an unspoken agreement?

 

There are *so* many reasons for infidelity. Although I do believe that it mainly comes down to unfulfilment. That someone's current relationship isn't fulfilling them totally or as much as they thought it would. Fulfilment in this context, is where not only are the bodily (sexual) desires fulfilled, but also the spiritual (love/soul) desires too.

And the levels of unfaithfulness in this world show how little people really understand what 'true/real love' is. So many people confuse sexual desire and infatuation with love, especially men.

Few people really believe in a soul, and hence they stumble in the dark for most of their lives seeking the elusive fulfilment, but only finding half of it in brief sexual liasions.

 

Some of the reasons I can think of for infidelity:

 

* REVENGE - to get back at someone for doing/not doing something, or tit-for-tat cheating.

* SEXUAL UNFULFILMENT - people might be unsatisified with their current partner, and instead of working with them to overcome the sexual problems, they go to someone else to fulfil their sexual needs. This would be an indicator of their level of maturity/commitment and attitude with regards to life and relationships.

* RECAPTURING THE THRILL - when the fairy tale of initial infatuation with someone has worn off, and everday life starts to creep into a relationship, many people start to think they are 'falling out of love', so they go and have an affair, or move onto another relationship. Because people think that the ultimate relationship will be one where the initial infatuation lasts forever. This is an unattainable desire, and so people will move on from relationship to relationship until they understand that they can never attain this 'eternal infatuation' or they suddenly realise that only through deep intimacy can they find true fulfilment.

* ESCAPE - if the relationship is violent or cold for example, some people especially women might have affairs to escape the bad feelings/situations.

* PLAYER MENTALITY - just because someone can have affairs, they think this gives them lease to have them!

* THRILLSEEKING - some people get a buzz out of having an affair - the 'forbidden fruit' syndrome. This is again a sign of unfulfilment. True intimacy can create an even better 'buzz' than the (usually) short-lived buzz of an affair. But so few people are prepared to work at it!

* REPETITION - because someone cheated in the past, they might be caught in a cycle where they do it again... and again... In this case, it is not so much a matter of unfulfilment, but of conditiong. They can rise above it and break out of the cycle.

*... there are other reasons, though I can't think of any more at the moment.

 

If only people realised that infatuation isn't love! And that infatuation wears off after about one or two years (the 18-month itch?). That they have only lost lust, not love! And if they really love each other, that lust can be regained!

So many people put all their effort into the physical (sexual) side of love, that they neglect the truer spiritual (heart) side of love. It's not everyone's fault, as most of us have to stumble through life, with such little guidance on love or relationships. We have sex education, but why not love education??!! Is not love more important than sex? It just goes to show the state of our society - it's attitudes to sex and love - that a higher importance is placed on sex than love, and hence we unconsciously carry through these attitudes in our relationships.

[Sherlock]

I would add the "damned if you do, damned if you don't" reason.

[volution]

But that's elementary, my dear Holmes

 

I would add the "damned if you do, damned if you don't" reason.

[tiger_lilies]

Nicely put!

[Lungomare]

Like your statement Sherlock!

[11flower]

Volution you are awesome.

 

Thanks. Excellent!

 

11flower

[Abacab]

Volution wrote only people realised that infatuation isn't love! And that infatuation wears off after about one or two years (the 18-month itch?). That they have only lost lust, not love! And if they really love each other, that lust can be regained!

 

I agree with the point that infatuation isn't love. However, there's no sound method to bring back that elusive lust once its gone... On the other hand, apart from several platonic examples, love is not entirely enough to keep two people together for eternity.

 

People do change with time. You're either able to incorporate these changes into your relationship or not.

 

Cheers

[11flower]

Yeah, but if a couple wants to try to make a go of staying together and work it out, there will be a way to do this. If they'd been together a long time and need some of the old out for the new, they can find new things to do together in their love lives, in their adventure lives, and just as if they were platonic friends.

 

If couples could just give one another space, easier said than done, maybe they'd learn new facets one about the other and become interested again.

 

Changes, as you said in different words, must be allowed for, lest the dreaded dead-end come about.

 

All easier said than done.

11flower