Found my answer

[adviceplease2]

It's been staring me in the face for years. I am the problem. Women are better off and happier without me in their lives. I'm divorced and have had my heart broken twice since then in two different relationships. I used to believe in love....Don't anymore. This last relationship has jaded me to the point I just don't believe I'm good enough for any woman to want to love me. I'm a good guy...complimented on my looks...I work out...I raise kids on my own...have a job...but I see now I'm not good enough.

 

My lot in life is to get the kids to school...get to work...feed the kids....make sure homework is done...get them cleaned up and off to bed....and fall asleep just to wake up and start over. I will not bring another woman into their lives or mine.

 

Sorry for the rant...just lost hope...wanted so much more in life....but now even a simple movie night will only ever be the kids and I. Will have to be good enough...because even though the loneliness will eat me alive...no woman will be subjected to me or my family...and so those women will find true happiness elsewhere.

[journeynow]

Don't forget to hug and love those kids, too!

 

It's ok to rant, and swear off of dating for now. You know 3 women are not the whole bunch, there are more fish in the sea, but it's perfectly ok to not pursue a relationship. The loneliness will not eat you alive, I'm pretty sure. It may hurt at times, but it's very possible you can heal and be happy. Maybe not now, but someday?

[youareworthy]

Dear adviceplease2,

 

I truly don't believe this is about your not being "good enough."

 

My gut tells me that you are a decent guy! You sound depressed right now. Perhaps talking to a counselor would be a good idea. He or she could help determine if you have depression, and point you in the right direction for treatment. I see a fair bit of black and white thinking, hopelessness, and negative forecasting in the things you write. Please don't believe every thought you think!!! Many thoughts are outright lies. These negative thinking patterns can be addressed with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and/or Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. Check for a counselor that uses those therapeutic approaches.

 

You are probably also exhausted from the constant care of the children. Single parenting is not for the faint of heart. And if it is late at night, forget it! You will never get a reasonable answer from yourself about your real worth if you are overtired.

 

I raised my 4 as a single parent, so I can totally relate to you right now!

 

My hat's off to you for being a faithful father to your children.

 

Go look for a counselor, and don't put yourself down!

 

Youareworthy

[adviceplease2]

Thanks. Still sorry for the rant. I'm just to the point where the only outlet I really have is posting this on the internet. I've been too trusting and ignorant. Just found out I'm being lied to by someone close to me, but it was my mistake to even get to that point.

 

And my last relationship was really something, she was wonderful, was great with the kids, the kids started to push back some because I'm guessing they felt threatened or something I don't know, but instead of communicating with me about the issue this woman let it sit and then sprung it on me weeks later and ended our relationship....then she found out she was pregnant, from a trip we'd taken together to get away for a while...and she blamed the breakup on hormones. Round that same time I had to file for supervised visitation on my kids mom, she was acting nutty. So time with my girlfriend was difficult to come by, I didn't have free weekends, she was sleeping most of the time understandably, her first pregnancy....all I heard was her family was excited, she was, my family was actually too, I was....we just couldn't get time together. So when I asked to visit, she played it off...I knew she wasn't feeling great so I let it be. I asked again later, she played it off....I did get a little quiet after that, because we'd talked about getting together while we were both on vacation for the week. And then all hell broke loose.

 

From one week to the next she changed into a different person. Told me I hadn't done anything, that my part was done, her life was turned upside down, that I hadn't wanted this, that I was having a pity party because we didn't see each other, that her shutting me out wasn't her it was her not feeling well, that I wasn't seeing things from her perspective, and she was sorry she'd ever contacted me in the first place. I was so completely in shock I'm still trying to figure it out. She showed up at one of my childs birthday parties recently, we talked some, interacted like nothing had changed, she even brought christmas presents she'd bought for my kids....she helped with handing out drinks, cake, etc....helped with keeping things running....it was great. Didn't know if my text the day before where I apologized for being short sighted and inconsiderate had anything to do with her showing up....but her response to the text had been she knew what needed to be done about getting ready for the baby and that was why she was still fine taking a step back from me.

 

I started praying again a few weeks ago, only to get angry at God at one point, so angry I just let it all out on him. Two days after that, she shows up at that party.

 

What bothers me....yeah, I'd like to feel loved, to give love...not just to my kids, but to a partner. I had that for a little while and then abruptly had it taken away and blah blah. My boys don't see how a man should love a woman, my little girl doesn't have a good woman in her life....I still struggle to do her hair, to do girl things for her that she wants. I'm sitting here typing this and trying to keep myself from getting upset. Can't do that, at work, slow day.

 

Kids are going to be going back to regular visitation with their mother at some point, so now I'll have some time to myself....with a pregnant exgirlfriend that has taken a step back from me. I'm not going to know what to do with myself.

[journeynow]

Rants are fine by me. We all need to let off steam at times, and here should be a safe outlet.

 

It sure sounds like you are in the middle of a turbulent ride. You know the instructions, buckle your seatbelt, stay in your seat (basically hang on, ride it out, and if you can, enjoy the view or your book or movie or children seated with you).

 

The loving part, I wish I had helpful advice. For me, the way you put it, was strongest after my break up, and as time has passed and I am enjoying my single life more and more, those thoughts are farther away because I don't know how I'd fit someone else into my life or adjust to their moods or quirks or expectations. On the other hand, I realize my feelings are mine, no one makes them except for my response to things or thoughts or people. Happiness on our own is possible, and maybe, possibly, that feeling of loving can fill us on our own and radiate outward as well. But for now, hang on, breathe, and take good care of yourself.

[Ms Darcy]

How long were you with your pregnant ex-girlfriend? Did you get her pregnant?

 

Pregnancy is tough. All your hormones are all over the place through no fault of your own. It's just mother nature. There's always another side to these things.

[adviceplease2]

We weren't together long. I know she's going through a lot. I fell for her, I thought she fell for me, I think we both got caught up in how wonderful everything was with each other. We spent a lot of time together, took some trips, we both felt like we'd been together longer than we really had. When I say not for long, we'd dated for four months. I know what the comments will be to that, and I expect them. We're both in our 30's, so its not like we are young teenagers. I know her hormones are going crazy...and she knows I have three kids....she raises an adopted child that she is technically a sister to, but acts like the mother.

 

We had bad timing after she told me she was pregnant. Our families rallied around the news which was great....but she was sleeping all the time because she felt sick in the first trimester. I'd filed for supervised visitation, so my weekends were not free anymore. We were both going to be on vacation around christmas and discussed getting together and she was receptive....but when the time came she pushed it off. I did get a little quiet on her because she had gotten short with me, like i was a bother. She finally let me know seeing me and the kids caused her so much anxiety it kept her up at night. I'd even offered to take her out just the two of us but she never gave an answer.

 

I finally told her I'd taken the hint, but that she still had my heart and love and that I missed her....and boom, she exploded. Hateful things, so hateful I was just shocked. So we didn't talk for about two weeks after that...I sent a text saying how sorry I was for being hard headed, being short sighted...that we need to focus on getting ready for the baby...her response was that she was back at the doctor for a thyroid med adjustment that that was the reason she's felt so bad all the time but that she was aware of what needed doing and that was why she was still fine taking a step back from me. Bout all I can do at this point is what I've done...I've given her some money for maternity clothes, I've paid her deductible, I've offered to pay copays....but she apparently thinks she has to do this on her own.

 

Anyway, go ahead and roast me on the....you got her pregnant that quickly....you barely know her. We were set up by family/friends, because our kids go to the same school, we saw each other regularly at school events, at pick up, we worked close enough to have regular lunches, and we apparently fell in love with each other on top of all that....was too good to be true I guess. Keep holding out hope most of what's going on is hormonal mixed in with her thyroid meds mixed in with her anti depressant meds.....because she's a completely different woman than the one I'd gotten to know.

[Ms Darcy]

No roasting here. I am sure you can imagine, given your relationship experience, that sometimes it takes many months if not at least a year to know someone (i.e. past the honeymoon stage). So, that's one point.

 

The other point is actually about the pregnancy. Some people have easy ones. But when you have a tough one ... it's like -- imagine having the flu for 3 months instead of 3 days. Or imagine being in constant back pain for weeks on end. It really changes the way you may view things or react to things. And if she was having thyroid issues on top of that - well THAT'S a huge sign that biochemically, her brain is all over the place.

 

It's not easy to be dumped but there is a possibility that it was really bad timing because she's just not herself physically and physiologically.

[adviceplease2]

I certainly do hope its her hormones/thyroid/antidepressant....and I swear that was my first thought because I knew she felt so terrible in the first trimester.

 

Shes in the second trimester now but just recently went to the doc about the thyroid meds that the doc apparently didnt know she was on or had issues with.

 

She acted pretty normal when she came to my daughters party...smiling...laughing with me....helping with everything.

 

She said to me shes fine stepping back from me because she doesnt need the stress or guilt....but then at that party seemed so normal.

 

I just dont know what I did or didnt do right honestly. I know we got more distant due to circumstances that neither of us could help. But some of my circumstances are changing slightly, hopefully anyway. Dont feel like itll matter to her though.

 

I do appreciate your input mrs Darcy...ive been wanting to get a different view point because im just so confused about everything I dont know what to think anymore.