Do parents affect one's choice of mates?

[Beccy]

I'm just wondering ever since I noticed that my general tastes in men run to:

-light hair/eyes

-either the same height or a bit taller than me

-soft, gentle eyes

-a smooth, calm temper

-not heavily muscled or overweight

 

I was just thinking over the possible reasons, and I've realized it may be due to my father's treatment of me. I want someone not too tall so they can't tower over me the way he does. I want someone not heavily muscled or overweight because a) it reminds me of him and b) I feel threatened, in a way, by such people, since I myself am quite small and cannot defend myself if need be. (When I was younger, my father used to grab me by force, give me cold showers and whip me until my entire rear was a purple bruise...he doesn't do that anymore, but it kills me that I couldn't fight back more efficiently).

 

And the smooth, calm temper...that goes without saying.

 

As regards the eyes...I do NOT normally like men with brown eyes. Certain eye expressions, however, will draw me no matter their color...and Beren's eyes are of this sort. But if a person has brown eyes and they don't have an especially gentle stare, however, it's usually enough to make me want to run the other way.

 

On the other hand, I do tend to want to hang out with men who know their way around technology, the way my father does.

 

Is it possible these are just weird quirks of mine, or are they really caused by my desire to avoid a man like my father? What do you think? Anything similar happen to you?

[Seraphim]

Trauma can affect choices if it is left untreated . However, if you get help for severe child abuse it might not affect your choices.

 

I am sorry you had to go through that.

[Hollyj]

It certainly can - I'm not speaking of the physical.

 

Many choose unhealthy partners, as it is what the know from their childhood, which result in self esteem issues. Have you been dating men that are emotionally or physically abusive?

[Hollyj]

This Berren guy does not sound stable/ Isn't there a family member or friend you can turn to?

[Beccy]

@Hollyj

 

He's proven the most faithful of my friends. He has his own problems, of course, but so do I. In fact, I plan on declaring my love for him today...or Monday at the latest. Just trying to find the correct wording.

[Hollyj]

Beccy,

 

Your father sounds awful. Isn't there a stable environment you can go to? This guy does not sound like he has any prospects.

 

What if he wants to have sex with you?

[Hollyj]

You sound like you live in a fantasy.

[Beccy]

Have you been dating men that are emotionally or physically abusive?

 

I haven't dated at all before...was just curious as to the underlying reasons behind my tastes in guys. But I don't feel attracted to jerks lol.

 

Beccy,

 

Your father sounds awful. Isn't there a stable environment you can go to?

 

Literally nowhere. I'm not quite on my own, but I do need to find a place as my friend with whom I'd be living wants a strange (to me) guy in the house and will often drink a LOT of beer at night. I always thought Mom would help me, but she's blocked me on WhatsApp for no reason, after alternating between "I love yous" and "I can't believe you're so bad to mes"...

 

This guy does not sound like he has any prospects.

 

I beg to differ; I have seen him work and, being used to lazy, useless guys, that was one of the first things that impressed me about him. If he knows how to grasp opportunities, with the way he works so hard and well...he's going places.

 

What if he wants to have sex with you?

 

You made me spit my water! LOL the guy seems afraid even to touch me.

 

And if he did...I honestly don't know. I want to stay "pure" until marriage, and AFAIK so does he. But at the same time... I don't know. Agh.

 

One thing I do know is that he would do absolutely NOTHING against my will. I've been alone with him many, many times, even when we were totally alone in the park...no one around, lying on our stomachs in the grass beside a fountain and drawing, singing and talking together. We've sat around on benches in the plaza where we used to work to the point where we keep getting asked if we're an item.

 

 

Maybe I do live in a fantasy...but I try to keep my feet on the ground.

 

I have been a bit surprised by recent happenings in my life, it's almost like living in a bad movie...

[Seraphim]

 

I haven't dated at all before...was just curious as to the underlying reasons behind my tastes in guys. But I don't feel attracted to jerks lol.

 

What we find attractive is determined by the physical characteristics we are exposed to in childhood for the most part.

[Beccy]

What we find attractive is determined by the physical characteristics we are exposed to in childhood for the most part.

Normally I'd agree with you, but I've seen many girls fall for guys they have rarely seen or liked the likes of before... *sly giggle*

[Seraphim]

Normally I'd agree with you, but I've seen many girls fall for guys they have rarely seen or liked the likes of before... *sly giggle*

 

Meaning?

 

What we find physically attractive can be a mix of many friends and family members and be a composite of those people. Very seldom do we randomly choose what we find attractive.

[blanchard]

Yes, as they are experientially derived, and romantic partner selection is a function of attachment theory. If one's attachment pattern is maladaptive, one will continue to make the same poor choices in romantic partner selection in order to maintain a psychological tie to an earlier attachment figure (caregiver).

[Hollyj]

Why did your parents throw you out?

[Beccy]

They never did tell me exactly why, Hollyj, except that I'm "rude" and "disobedient"... My mother gratuitously blocked me on WhatsApp as well... And after our unbelievable closeness we used to have... I'm wondering if I can still trust ANYTHING she ever said.

 

I might be on the verge of my first true relationship, and I no longer have the wonderful support I used to with Mom...not that she'd ever have approved, but she would have given me tips at least.

 

I wonder if that can also work the other way around? I am looking for a man who is NOT like my father, to the point where even a physical resemblance...especially in the eyes... makes me want to run the other way. I don't want to be with brown-eyed men, for the most part, unless they have a very sweet and gente eye expression, for example...don't like men bigger than me or with a temper.

[Seraphim]

I can understand being afraid of the physical features of an abuser. This is something that you will probably need therapy to get past. I believe you said you are a petite woman so the fact is 99.9% of men will always be bigger and taller than you it's just a biological fact. So you are never going to find a man smaller or less slightly built than you. Not an adult man anyway. My son is 18 and just started filling out into his adult size. He was taller than me since he was 15. He is now plenty bigger than me and he's not even close to his adult size . Over 75% of the population has brown eyes. Don't limit yourself due to abusive conditioning.

[Beccy]

Over 75% of the population has brown eyes. Don't limit yourself due to abusive conditioning.

 

Funny thing...the guy I'm head over heels in love with has brown eyes. But they are soft, sweet and sad, not hard and staring like...other people's. A big plus is he's also only very slightly taller than I, and (sadly due to undernourishment, as I eat well and have a physically demanding "job") is not as strong physically. But him? I wouldn't mind it if he bulked up, because I trust him 100%.

 

My mom looks down on him because he's the typical Mexican type...dark skin, eyes and hair...generally the least educated people here... but somehow that cannot and does not affect my view of him, as would anything else my mom said to me.

[Seraphim]

Most people don't end up with their first love for forever. I would say 99% of people don't. So people having brown eyes and being taller and bigger than you are still going to be part of your future.