Longing for a loving, close-knit family...and dealing with guilt

[Beccy]

I really need some help right now. Looking at my life from the outside, I've got it all--parents who "love" me, two unusually well-behaved little sisters, a halfway decent job, a house in a nice part of town... I'm definitely luckier than many people I've met. So why do I feel so unhappy?

 

I always thought I knew who I was...but now I don't. I am a stranger to myself and don't know if I'm a good or bad person.

 

• I'm 18 years old
  
• I was born in Mexico City, raised in the States, and five years ago returned to Mexico City before moving yet again to another town
  
• I dream of studying in Romania. My parents used to hate the idea, and they still don't let me even study Romanian in their presence. However, they tell me they no longer care and I should just go
  
• From a child, my relationship with my father has been iffy at best. He would always find reasons to take whatever I liked
  
• Be it a videogame, a plastic horse, a movie, etc., he'd always find ways to tell me how useless and stupid it was for me to waste my time on insignificant things. "All I care about is my entertainment", according to him
  
• Maybe I'm biased, but it's always seemed to me like he just wanted me to comply with whatever he wanted, when he wanted, because he wanted it, and when he gave me stuff it was just so he could later say, "I did this and this for you, and look how you've treated me!"
  
• He often puts other people down awfully. I've heard him refer to my friends as stupid idiots before (though never to their faces), simply because they're inconvenient to him
  
• I know he does it in jest, but this still bothers me...the more so as, when I let my guard down, I've begun to do the same.
  
• He's begun to put me down in the same way, calling me a stupid, rebellious, ungrateful idiot. He'll rarely say nice things to me, though he will brag about me to his friends since I've always had straight A's in school and been responsible at work. And my mother always used to stop him, but now she does it, too!
  
• My parents choose what kind of job I can or can't have. I recently saw an ad looking for a female singer, and since I'm told I have a good voice and am hardly allowed to sing at home, I applied. My mother was furious with me, saying I should find a "real job" and calling me a prostitute for wanting to be a singer!!! She wants me to quit my current job and find another because it pays very little; however this is a big company and I know I could do very well here if I work hard. But she claims I'm not contributing enough money to the household.
  
• I was a very romantic child...very loyal to friends, though I do like to be alone, read, think, write, play videogames, and sing. I put friendship and feelings above things and was often closer to animals than to people; my friends tended to be mostly adults. I felt everything keenly because of this fire in me that didn't want to go out. But it seems gone now, and only something very great happening can rekindle the flame.
  
• I was always good at my studies because Mom devoted herself to teaching me the first 7 years of my life. I didn't go to school until I was 15, but though I had few friends, I didn't need them...my mom and I were very close, we shared everything and though we had our problems I felt I could trust her completely. And we went everywhere together despite her constant health problems.
  
• My father always threatened to run me off as soon as I turned 18; but up until fairly recently my mother would reassure me that she wouldn't let me. Now it seems she wants me out.
  
• My parents say that now that I'm 18 I'm no longer their responsibility. They keep rubbing in my face that I'm in their house, that I'm a rebellious, ungrateful child, that I'm cruel to my sisters, lazy, irresponsible...they say that if I follow my dream of going to Romania I'll not survive for five minutes, that they will no longer pay for my entertainment (so they don't let me watch TV, play games or use the Internet at all, except on very special occasions...I have to beg them, and my father's only response is usually "You've been very bad; do you think you deserve it?")
  
• Yes, my sisters are annoying. But I realize this isn't entirely their fault. My parents spoil them. When I was their age, they would make me do chores and study before I could play, and would only let me use the TV or computer for short stretches (always a stress point as they never gave me enough time and I took to sneaking peeks when they weren't looking...not good, I know); yet they are on the TV ALL. DAY. LONG now. Only one goes to school, but the homeschooled one rarely studies at all.
  
• With their seeming good luck, I sense they too have noticed the recent change in my mother. Always she used to criticize the people who "idiotized" their children by using the TV as a babysitter, yet she's doing exactly that. She will lock herself up in her room for hours at a stretch, poking at her pone, watching TV or sleeping. At night, I'll ask her if we can watch something together, as we used to...she'll say she's too tired, then proceed to watch something with my father.
  
• I'm absolutely no one at my home, and they make me feel it. Anything they do for me, they keep reminding me of later. ("I feed you/let your friend come over/let you buy a fish/etc.! And now, look how you treated me! I won't let you do it again!")
  
• I now earn my own money. Being an aquarist, I thought I'd try to breed fish and earn a little by that. I had to beg my mother to let me buy a tank (which was made to HER specifications, and didn't cost her ONE PENNY...I might have saved half the price if I'd not followed her instructions for the design), and she told me if I wanted to buy it I had to give her my cell phone (which I'd bought as well) until I entered school in January. I saw no reason, since I bought both things and she spent nothing, nor would she have to lift a finger to clean my tank, yet I had no choice.
  
• And so it is with everything. She moved me out of the room in which I was staying and moved me to a cot in the servants' bedroom, which is the hottest room in the house (and we live in a tropical rainforest), saying that I didn't deserve a nice bedroom, and since I was an adult now she'd give me "my own space".
  
• Ha. This was never MY space. I have to ask her for permission to even put a drawing up on the wall. And always, the answer is "No". My sisters can come in whenever they please.
  
• Now that I've fallen in love with my best friend (though I've told her nothing yet, she suspects), she is accusing me indirectly of being a prostitute...when SHE KNOWS I DON'T SLEEP AROUND AND HAVE NEVER TRULY HAD ANY SORT OF RELATIONSHIP WITH ANYONE, until now! And she is judging him very harshly for things that are not entirely his fault and keeps trying to put thoughts in my head about him (she claims he broke my heart [When? Funny how I never noticed!], he doesn't want to see me [then why did he return from his hometown just so he could see me one more time?], etc.)
  
• My father has helped my best friend very much because he's young and poor (I'm talking sometimes-doesn't-eat-for-days-at-a-stretch poor) and has no family. He gave him money and food, as did I, and let him come over when he was sick; and he helped him find a job. My dad isn't a bad person...but he started using what he was doing for my friend as leverage against me. ("I'm doing this for you! If you're so rude, I'll just kick him to the curb and let him scratch out a living for himself as best he can!")
  
• Of course, I'd shut my mouth at that. And I was surprised that my father seemed to approve of him, unlike all my other male friends. But what bothers me is that, while my dad was willing to help him find a job, KNOWING that I've always been a responsible worker, he won't do the same for me, claiming that I'm irresponsible, lazy and that I'm too cruel to my sisters and don't deserve it. Whatever. He's lying, and I know it. I'm responsible and can get a job for myself...Right??? But he isn't willing to help his own daughter get a better paid job, yet wants her to give a chunk of her earnings to him?
  
• My "cruelty" to my sisters consists of a few major arguments over who does the dishes or leaves stuff lying around...yet I get along pretty well with them; they respect me ONLY WHEN MY PARENTS AREN'T AROUND. Yet my mother has threatened to send me to an insane asylum because it's "not normal" for an 18-year-old to argue with an 11-year-old??? She claims I hit and hurt them. Well, I used to shove them away from me when they were extra annoying, but I never truly hurt them, even enough to get a bruise. I wouldn't! They annoy me and get only a slight scolding. Yet woe unto me if I touch a hair on their sacred heads.
  
• Oh, and when I was their age, my dad used to beat me until my entire rear was purple. These beatings would usually be given in response to my refusal to obey an order and would be followed by cold showers, a week locked in my room and the removal of any and all privileges. In fairness, this seldom happened and now never does...but I wonder why he doesn't do the same to my sisters...and if he does, which has been only once or twice, he needs a LOT more provocation than he did with me.
  
• I've tried, time and again, to speak to my parents, especially my mom, about this, but they don't listen. They say I am being overdramatic and they don't want to listen to the same old lies and exaggerations; they say everything is a conflict with me and they won't believe my lies any more, I'm the one causing all the trouble and if I don't like living here, I can leave (Easier said than done. Living there allows me to walk dogs, which is my primary source of income aside from my job...and I'm trying to save for university), I'm so ungrateful, they do so much for me and I give nothing back, etc.
  
• I love my animals. Yesterday, I found out through one of my sisters that my mother is SELLING MY DOG, and said NOTHING to me about it. Apparently her plan is to just quietly sell her so one day soon I'll come back from work and find my dear little Chihuahua GONE! I can say nothing now, because if she finds out my sister told me, she'll be in trouble. But I will be hurrying home from work. I draw the line here. She may have bought the dog, but I pay for her food and don't want to lose my friend, who I've trained well and is small and no trouble besides! If I catch the girl who's going to take her, I'm going to make a scene. Because I've had enough! When we got her, my mother loved her and wouldn't even let us play with her because she was 'her' dog. I paid part of her adoption fee, but my mother forced me to take it back so that she could say it was HER dog. And now, she's tired of her, is angry with her all the time, claims I don't take care of her...and doesn't move a muscle for the care of "her" dog. Yet I've cared for her, and don't want to lose my furry daughter!
  

 

It's like there's two people warring within me. One of them wants to make Mom and Dad proud, to be considered a mature adult in my own right...and since they always raised me to believe they were always right, their constant accusations make me doubt whether they aren't right about me being a bad, selfish daughter. Before, I had no doubt they were "the enemy" (or my dad, at least...but only on the surface, because deep down inside part of me wanted to believe that they were right and I was wrong). But now, it's constant.

 

The other person is independent. That part of me wants to believe that they're wrong, that I can do things, that I can succeed, and that I've done my best. But my life doesn't bear that up. I've done well in school, yes, but I'm still stuck at the bottom of my company in a not-too-good job, and there's precious little chance I'll ever get that scholarship to go to Romania. I'm madly in love with my best friend and he's given me signs, but I'm afraid I'll mess everything up with him...and I feel guilty for loving him as well, especially as I haven't and can't tell my mom. Other people (friends, teachers) say I'm very mature and responsible, but if I tell this to my mom, she'll laugh and respond with "They can say that, because they don't have to put up with you all the time."

 

Don't just give me a pep talk. Please, be honest. I can handle it. Tell me, am I a bad person??? What can I do? I want to be good and sweet like I used to be, like my mom used to be. But I find myself growing increasingly more apathetic and dispirited, and at times bitter and angry though I feel guilty about this later. I lash out verbally at my sisters when they crowd into my room, even though I know it isn't their fault but my father's who allows them. I feel constantly powerless and tired. Although it's an office job, this new job drains me more than my past job at a pet store, which I actually liked though it wasn't well paid. I have to force myself to keep working, to do the dishes, to walk dogs, even...to do anything but sleep and read. I used to be a hopeless romantic; that's who I am in my own self-image. But my emotions seem dead. Yesterday, one of my supposedly beloved fish died and I felt nothing...which makes me feel guilty, although my mother says I'm "growing up" and that crying over a fish, as I used to, is "childish and immature". It's difficult now for me to connect with people truly on an emotional level; I go through the motions of friendship, I like hanging out for short whiles, and they don't notice because I am loyal and helpful as ever. But I have trouble entirely giving them my heart; there's not that sweet and tender feeling of closeness and friendly love that I used to feel towards my friends. I feel like a fake. But with Beren, it's different. Maybe that's why I'm so in love with him. I feel like I can really trust him, like I can be myself around him and he won't judge or push me away.

 

Please, help!

[melancholy123]

I dont think you are a bad person. You are at that tough age where you are a legal adult yet still a teenager and you are trying to find your place in the world. Can you move out? It'd likely cause all sorts of trouble with your parents but you'd be on your own to live your life as you please.

[Beccy]

I dont think you are a bad person. You are at that tough age where you are a legal adult yet still a teenager and you are trying to find your place in the world. Can you move out? It'd likely cause all sorts of trouble with your parents but you'd be on your own to live your life as you please.

 

Sometimes I really want to...other times, I'm scared. Up until recently, my mother would hardly let me out of my sight; now all of a sudden I'm an adult and no longer her responsibility, and must "scratch out my path with my own nails".

 

I'm mostly afraid that if I move out now I won't be able to save up the 70 thousand or so pesos I need to fulfill my dream... and I don't want to leave on a bad note. I remember the way things used to be between my mother and I, and even though she, or I, or both have changed...I cannot forget this amazing person she once was (and hopefully still is?)...Ahh, I don't know...