What is wrong with me?!?

[dreynolds]

I'm 31 and have no clue what I want or what I'm doing anymore.

I know I want a family, marriage, kids, the whole nine yards. Or Do I?

 

For the past few years, I've been dating - unable to find anything lasting or meaningful in the form of a real relationship. I've been on many first dates, dated to the point where I'm absolutely sick of it - have come accross realtionships that last a month, maybe two, but then that's it.

 

It has been such a long time that I've had a 'serious/meaningful' relationship - i dont' know if it could ever happen again. I'm posting this to find others who might have gone through the same thoughts/feelings - where you've dated and dated but found nothing....thinking "maybe I should just accept the single life and that's that".

 

I'm currently doing online dating - interesting place. There is one girl I'm currently talking with - we met a few days ago. Things went okay - but where to go from here - i have no clue. Does she like me? How can you even tell? I honestly have no clue what to even think anymore. Maybe it's just time to STOP dating altogether (for a while)....i just don't know hot to handle it! I want to just enjoy it - but i can't anymore - i swear i sabotage my own relationships subconsciously!

 

Does this make any sense to ANYBODY else?!?

[FuriousSam]

I'm 31 and have no clue what I want or what I'm doing anymore. I know I want a family, marriage, kids, the whole nine yards. Or Do I?

 

There's your problem right there. Find yourself and everything else will find you.

[dreynolds]

There's more to it than that - i know who I am, what I want....i know i also wont' settle - otherwise I would have ended up with one of the women I've dated who showed extreme interest but I needed/wanted more.

 

I have everything else sorted out - and the only thing missing is "her" - so that's why I date. Thign is - I think i'm simply trying too hard....because when I decide to give up dating for a while - that's when I meet 3 women in like 1 week. Fine - who knows - maybe one of them is "the one" - so I go back to dating....entering into it just to have fun and go with the flow. Then I start to really like 2 of them - but have no clue what to do next. Things then get all strange and messed up somehow and then I'm sitting there left thinking "what the hell was that all about?".....back to dating again I go because i reminds me that i do want that something real/serious again....until I get sick of dates after dates and decide to stop again. Repeat....

This is my life - this is what has been happening for almost 4 years now.

 

I want the typical wife, house, 2.5 kids deal....but only with the right woman. Things get so messed up and confusing at times I think maybe it's ust better being single and forgetting abou tthe whole thing!

[486dx4]

Does what you say make sense? Yes, I have kind of felt like that here and there. I know who I am as a person and what I want but the process of meeting someone and having a meaningful relationship is extremely frustrating. I love my job but when you work in a place where almost every week you hear about someone is engaged or getting married or having a baby its tough. It is like so much of a different world for them from the one I know being alone. I wonder how these guys won someone's heart and made it last where with me I don't even rate a return phone call from someone I liked after a few dates or even just one date if it gets to that.

 

I have met a decent amount of women online but it really is a numbers game. Women have the advantage on those sites where tons of responses come in to them so they can pick and choose while I can send out say 50 or so responses to ads over time with not a single reply - and no one responds to my ad. Image is everything on these sites. You send them a picture of yourself and then they stop writing back many times. What they are looking for I have no idea. If they are like those golddigging women on a recent Dr. Phil show then I'm in real trouble - I frankly would not want those women anyway. I know there are women who are not like that of course...

 

But I keep plugging away and trying because what else can you do? I do put out a positive and open attitude but it does not seem to work too well. As for this one you met online if things seemed ok just go out with no real expectations and see what happens.

[FuriousSam]

Now I think I see the problem. You simply aren't satisify (Needed/Wanted more) and believe that "the one" is still out there... Always. Even if you have dated all these womenand maybe some of them are great for you (As you have mentioned), you still think that the perfect one is out there and then you lose all these other ones you are dating. Is the other side of the mountain greener than what we have here? I don't know. Is it worth it to check out the other side? I don't know. What I do know is that you have to figure out what you want (In your perfect woman), then you'll find the one.

[cleverme123]

There have been times I felt like this.

 

So here is my suggestion....

 

First, you keep finding flaws in the women who are interested, consider to yourself if you feel what is wrong with them is something you can work on or if it's worth throwing in the towel. Don't go into a relationship thinking I have to marry this one. Slow down and take time to get to know them, see what their intentions are. Find out if their motivated.

 

Secondly, write down what it is you are looking for. You won't find every quality you like in every woman but if there are some that are more important to you than others than those are the people you should pursue dating.

 

Third there are no quarantees in life. No one ever promised you that you will find the perfect wife, mother, etc...The best you can do is become satisfied with yourself, (which it sounds like you are) throw yourself out there than use judgement to decide if the person is right for you or not. No one can tell you what's right for you. And some times, you just have to do it!

[Mun]

What I want to know is what exactly happened to mess things up? Can you pinpoint the exact thing that sent your relationship downhill?

 

I agree with Cleverme, you need to take your relationships slow. Don't get to the next level before you have gotten to know the person really well and decided if you want to persue a relationship. In other words, don't rush into sex... that's one of the things that confuses things.

 

What is happening in your relationships? Any idea?

[Beec]

I don't want to cover everything here, but I ntoiced one thing for which I have a suggestion.

 

You went out with a woman a few days ago, and you had no idea how she felt, whether she was interested or not. You need to study up on how to read body language.

[marijo2480]

I think all of these are very good suggestions! One problem that stands out to me is the fact that you're out there "looking" for that perfect girl. You can look and look and probably might never find someone to fit that profile quite exactly. If you do find it, you're very lucky and should take grab of her immediately before someone else does. I have a feeling that age is playing a big factor with some of the feelings that you are having. You really should slow down, and meet people by chance. You'll be surprised to know that your super woman is out there somewhere yet she'll come to you when you least expect her to. I met my boyfriend without ever looking for him. I never thought I'd ever meet Mr. Perfect and felt that I was only dreaming to ever think that someone like that even existed.

 

With this girl that you recently met, why is it that things just went "okay"? Was she not what you were looking for quite exactly in terms of appearance? Did something about her character/personality throw you off immediately? By you wondering if she's even interested to pursue any further with you tells me that you do have "some" insecurities. It's perfectly normal to feel this way but try to think that you're a good catch. This new girl will take notice and either keep pursuing you or not if you're not what she's looking for. Good luck to you! Don't get frustrated with the dating world, have patience. Know that when you do find her, you'll feel like you went through all those frogs to finally find your princess (and I'm sure it'll be well worth it then)!

[Beec]

Other comments.

 

You are complaining about not having all these things, mainly about how you don't yet have the relationship with the woman who you will have this ideal life. Guess what, you obviously have conflicting emotions. You want certain things, but the ideal life has not let you yet settle for a woman you consider less than perfect. If you felt the ideal life was more imprtant, you'd be more willing to settle.

 

But guess what, this also means that you felt you could do without these women. they did not meet your emotaional needs, toherwise they'd still eb there. So, wait until you find on that does.

 

BTW, I might also try to work on what would keep her around in the interim. When you find her, you may be out of practice.

[arwen]

My guy was the same as you before he met me. I am his first real girlfriend, and he is by no means a chaser or something like that. He is 24 years old and we are very happy together. I think there is no real solution to this. My sister is only 1 year younger and never met anyone that made her want a relationship.

 

Maybe you can be more specific on the way you handle a beginning relationship? You say that things get messy quickly, can you describe?

 

Ilse.

[dreynolds]

Thanks everyone - for your posts.

 

To try and answer everything sort of 'summed' up - yes - i agree with a lot of what you all have said.

 

I have had a couple long term serious relationships - but can only honestly say i fell in love once. I do have insecurities - of course - we all do - but i don't let mine bother me in the sense that if someone can't accept me for me, then that's there problem and not mine.

 

The most recent girl I went out with - there was nothing wrong with her - I actually went into that somewhat blind date not expecting anything at all, not hoping for anything, just meeting someone for good conversation and a bite to eat. She turned out to be quite the pleasant surprise. If I had to read body language - or the vibe she was sending off - i woul dhave to say her interest level just isn't there, not mine. I say this because 2 days of talking before we met - she was much different than the last 2 days after we met. We talked for a couple hours - i asked if she wanted to stick around and she looked ather watch and said she should probably get going soon (it was 8:30)...so i take that as a sign, because I would want to stay and chat much longer. A half hour later - i motioned for us to get going - so we left. I saw her on MSN when I got home, joked with her saying "you didn't have to rush home to watch reality tv, did ya"...hahaha...and her reply was "I wasn't rushing - i thought you wanted to go". That's what you get for trying to read too much into it all!!!

 

Anyway - thing is - if a woman is interested, she will make an attempt at showing just that. I said to her the other night that i wasn't in a rush at all - i was having a good time...she said she was too and it wasn't like that at all - her wanting to leave. So I said I would like to see her again - maybe dinner/movie sometime in the near future - she replied "sounds good"..and that was that. Thing is - her overall 'mood' has changed the past few days...she doesn't email me unless I initiate an email first...she's just acting different. My final point on 'her' - is that the last few times I've gone online to check that dating site - she's online....and has chagned her ad a bit and added a different picture and asks "is ANYbody out there???"...ummm...okay - obviously not interested in pursuing things with me. Which is fine - so i've kind of left THAT one alone...

 

I need to stop internet dating - it's not working - hasn't ever worked for me! I agree with "if it's meant to happen, it will happen"...i need to get to know someone first - take it slow...i'm not a player - never have been - never will be.

 

I'm taking a break from all this dating stuff - actually calling it quits in a way (at least online dating). When you look too hard - you won't find anything....hence my overall problem. I'm not THAT picky - i just know somewhat who I want. I would like to see this last girl again - but unfortunatley the feeling isn't mutual so that's the way it goes..nothing wrong with that.

 

I just dislike dating - bottom line!