Why Does Love Hurt So Much?

[wwesn]

Sometimes I guess it helps to write your feelings and I suppose advice from other people couldn't hurt

 

Anyhow here is a little background on my horribly, awful love life....

 

Four and a half years ago I met Tiffany quite by chance actually. I wasn't looking for a relationship and was fine without one. But she swept me off my feet, I swear I fell for her faster then I have ever fallen in my life. We started dating and within 2 months we moved in together (yes, I guess I shouldn't have moved so fast!). Those first few months were the happiest in my life. I really felt like for the first time in my life I found "the one". Well before we knew it we found out she was pregnant (again, a little fast - she got pregnant after 4 months together). At first we were both a little terrified as this pregnancy was totally not planned. Of course, I proposed to her. Not just cause she was pregnant but cause I loved her and wanted to spend my life with her. Those nine months of doctors appointments, ultra-sounds and morning sickness just seemed to fly by and before we knew it we had a healthy 8 pound baby boy that we named Austin-Joshua. She was a great mother and I'd like to think I was a great father! Things seemed perfect.

 

Then 5 months after having Austin she started to act different. Well it turned out she was talking to some guy off the net behind my back. I was pretty furious when I found out and then we broke up. After about two weeks we made up and things seemed to be improving again. We started planning our wedding, even booked the church. Then I don't know what happened, she seemed to just forget about getting married. Well, a few months went by and then she broke up with me. Never really gave me a reason. This time it was months before we made up again. It actually was better then when our relationship started. But then one day after we took our son to playgroup and we were sitting down to dinner she told me she had something to tell me. Well the news was shocking to me and left me devestated....you see she told me that right before we broke up last time that she cheated on me with the guy she met off the net. She told me she was so sorry and felt bad about it. And stupid me, I ended up forgiving her cause I really believed she was sorry and I loved her and also our relationship had been so strong the last few months.

 

Well skip ahead a couple of years...she seemed to change. It was like she cared more about hanging out with her friends from work then doing stuff with me and our son. I tried so hard to do whatever I could to save our relationship but I guess it wasn't enough. This past Novemeber she took off with our son and disappeared. She told me she wasn't happy in our relationship and she just needed to get away. For two months I fought with her to let me see my son (who is now 3). I was just about ready to go to court when finally we worked out a custody agreement through a mediator where I would get joint-custody of my son and see him 3-4 days a week (well actually since the agreement was worked out my son has been spending more time with me then her). And to top it off I also found out that for two months before she left me she also had another boyfriend!!

 

Anyhow, I guess what I need advice on is how do I get over this and move on with my life? It has been three months since she left and I really struggle with this every single day and its killing me inside and I don't know what to do. She has hurt me so much, devestated me, kept me away from my son for two months and yet I still feel love for this girl. I think about her all the time. I seriously try to hate her but everytime I see her I melt. I am in tears over this everyday and I have to take pills just to go to sleep. I pretend that I am fine and can handle it but inside I am dying. People tell me I should go to a shrink or something and get help....and I do but its not helping! The give me anti-depressents but the heartache is still there. I hope time can heal me but how? It would be so much easier if I could just get her out of my life and never have to talk to her again....BUT we have a child and I can't just walk away so I'm stuck with her in my life forever!!

 

What would you do???

[nikhilgore]

You knwo what....I wish I was in the town in which you are in....I would just want to give you a hug....I wish I had a answer for you but I dont....all I have is a hug and best wishes..

[wwesn]

I really could use a hug....so thanks

[Runesoul]

... Man, I'm sorry, that royally sucks. As you said, time will probably help, but until then what to do? Anything and everything you can do to fill the time and make the pain lessen. Distract yourself by taking up a hobby. Dwelling on it will just make it worse. I'm not sure I could take my own advice in your situtation, but try...

Remember that there are still people in this world who care about you.

 

All the sympathy in the world goes out to you.

 

Runesoul

[wwesn]

thanks, its not so bad on the days I am with my son cause he keeps me pretty busy - of course the downside is I can see so much of her in him

 

But hopefully things will get better (well I suppose things are better in the sense that when I first posted on here a month and a half ago I was very depressed and suicidal and was actually in the hospital for a bit!), and yes I need to learn not to dwell on it cause I guess I do alot! Another thing I really need to do is stop running everytime she calls me for something!!

[lady00]

Why does love hurt so much? Cause it makes you stronger...when you survive serious heartache, you know u can take a lot and still stand strong.

[boredguy]

ow man...thats a really painful story. jus wanna say, we are here for you.

the best thing for you to do would be to concentrate on living your life and focusing on ur career and ur son, toddlers are amazingly fun to play with. (think 6 foot guy playing pattycake with lil cuzin)

Im sure it must hurt to see her in ur child, but u have to always remember that he is his own little person. and he will grow up to be an individual with his own thoughts and feelings. And whenever your mind drifts back to her, remember the good times that you have spent together with your son. Be strong man. Be strong, for Austin-Joshua.

[Strandysmommy]

I agree with what was said above. You deserve full custody, because she doesn't sound ready to be a mom. In fact it sounds like a bad situation, I mean neglegence and all the like, a different guy every month? Great role model! I mean I don't know what kind of mom she is, and it's not fair for me to make generalizations but seriously, this woman isn't ready to be a mommy, she's ready to be lil miss party time. I am sorry for you and your son, and I hope you get justice

[wwesn]

she is a b***h and I've probably been letting her play me like a fiddle. This morning she calls me up to say that it is snowing so she wanted me to come drive her to work and Austin to daycare....so I did.

 

As for what kind of mother she is, well when he was first born she was a great mother but as he got older it was like I had to take care of him 24/7 and she hardly helped at all. When she took off with him for 2 months she would always tell me how he is doing so great and everything but now that I see him again unfortunately I noticed that his development has kind of gone downhill. I had him pretty much potty trained and talking alot but now he always goes in his pullup and hardly says any words. He tries to talk but all that comes out is gibberish. Makes me wonder just what she was doing with him for those two months!

[cleverme123]

It sounds to me as though she was very selfish. Perhaps she got into a situation where she wasn't sure who she was or what she wanted but found a comfortable place to fall for a while and then decided it wasn't what she wanted.

 

My husband now had the same issue, he had two ex wifes that did this to him. The first packed up and moved away with his two daughters. The second got on the internet and went through many many many many many different men. In the end she wound up abandoning their son together and devastated the kid and him as well. So in a way I understand your situation.

 

Be thankful though that you did not marry her, you could have lost a lot to someone that obviously cares for no one but herself. She is out of line putting your child in the middle and taking him on her little adventures with other men.

 

I think to get over it you have to first see her for what she is. She is a liar, a manipulator, a deceptor. She wears many hats and at any time can switch them around. She plays to you when things didn't work out the way she hoped, and counts and feeds on the fact you will forgive her and take her back. This is what I call door mat syndrome. It becomes a comfortable place to fall when you can go back as much as you like and know they will be there waiting. Don't let her tamper with your emotions.

 

Now as far as your son goes. I personally think that it was an obstacle for her and quite frankly if she continues to run around I think you will find him with you permantly. Keep records of all the times she doesn't come to get him, or keeps him from you. Go seek out full custody. Ya know it takes two to make a child and if she doesn't have the guts to settle down and take care of her kid then you should get custody of him. Make a stand and get things concerning him on your terms. It will rule out unpredictability on her part, meaning she can't just leave and take him without ever returning. You can have it so that you have to meet in a mutual exchange place, like a social service office or police barracks, that prevents anything unnecessary like arguing. You just have to make the best of a bad situation.

 

Hope that helps!

[marijo2480]

Wow! I'm really sorry to hear that you and your son are both going through this. I may have missed something here but is she back then? Noticed you said you drove over "there" when she called and said that there was lots of snow where she was at.

 

I agree with cleverme and others in that your ex is not fit right now to be a good mother. For the sake of your son, I would try to get full custody. Take note of things that she does, etc. Take care of yourself and try to get out of this depression that you're probably still in. You'll need to be healthy and stable to prove to the courts that you're more fit to take care of Austin than she is right now. She wants to live it up and act like a party girl right now and you frankly don't need to be dealing/putting up with any of her bs. Be thankful that you never married her as you would not only be dealing with custody for your child but also divorce papers and fees. Things happen for a reason. I wish you the best of luck and hope you get through this by getting your son back! Hang in there!

[Phoenix Down]

"Why does love hurt so much?"

 

Theres a switch in your heart, one day you'll find it. Only problem is, turning it back on. But it can be done... Good luck Deja

[PrincessLinzay]

Hello WWESN~

 

I am so sorry that you are suffering. It's truly awful what she's doing, and unfortunatley there is a child involved. I agree with those who have said you should seek full custody. Although you have an agreement right now between you, who's to say if she gets mad at you she doesn't disappear with him all over again? He needs something stable and secure so he can truly develop, and I know you love him.

 

Im not sure how old she is, but she sounds as though she's having a little crisis and wants to experience her youth 10 fold. I don't think that she understands that once you have a child, they become the number one priority and you don't get to have a carefree life as you once did.

 

Whoever said love hurts wasn't lying huh? Your highest high and lowest low. I know it's so hard to let go. I think many people on here can relate to you. No matter how wrong you know it is, and wish you didn't care, it doesn't seem to ease the pain.

 

I guess the only advice I can offer is to throw your time and energy into your son. Give him all your love and she can't have any! Try to keep busy, and definitely put a stop to being at her beckon call. If it involves your son, that's one thing, but no one expects you to do her any favors!

 

Hang in there hun.

[mrNobody]

Hey man,

 

Sorry you are going through this. Please take care of yourself. Your son needs you.

 

It really baffles me that she can't see the person who loves and cares for her the most is right in front of her. Same thing with my wife. I love her dearly and provided her with everything, but in the end she left. Some people just don't appreciate what they got and just seem to push away the ones that love them most. It's difficult to understand.

 

Good luck and best wishes!

[Phoenix Down]

"Some people just don't appreciate what they got and just seem to push away the ones that love them most. It's difficult to understand"

 

Very true, but you know what...one day they'll look back and see what they had, and nine times out of ten (at least in my world) you're going to be so happy else where that you'll blow her off with pride. Good people seem to finnish last, but when they cross that finnish line there smile'n Be good to yourself. Phoenix