Curious about my mind with and without bf around

[amika98]

Does anyone know what it means or what it is that when you're not around your boyfriend, and all of these thoughts come up about why things aren't working out, but then when you're with him in person, all that disappears from your mind...and you think maybe it's not all that bad and maybe you could still make it okay? And you just go back and forth like that constantly for weeks in your head? Is there some sort of explanation for that?

[appies]

are you in a distance relationship?

[amika98]

No we live together

[Willywagtail]

I think it's called 'processing'.

 

You're trying to make sense of your relatiohsip with him - and probably overthinking it - but when you're together you forget all your ruminations, and enjoy his company.

[mhowe]

I also think it has to do with your attachment style. Together you are fine...apart you become anxious.

[Dottieflanogon]

I think there comes a time in everyone's relationship where there is doubt. People get scared and start asking all the what if's. But if you two really love each other this will pass.

The only way to really fix it is to talk to each other about it. Once it's out in the open, both of you can work on fixing it.

[amika98]

I guess I ultimately figured it'd come around down to anxious attachment and doubts and anxiety again. This is so despairing sometimes. A little over 2 years of dating and all the sudden my mind is dissecting the whole thing and I can't tell up from down. One second I'm sure he's a jerk and this is a bad relationship, I need out ASAP and the next I'm perfectly content but think I'm psychotic because two seconds ago, I was ready to break up. It's so absurd. And this is after breaking up, getting back together, working on things, a couple therapy sessions, talking with friends, talking with parents, talking with him, talking on here and still, around and around my head goes. I could just say it's sheer anxiety but I want answers...am I settling? Not by with who he is (like not enough income or too short), but what our relationship is. I guess it just needs more time, more therapy, more talking to him and to attend to my long list of things to reduce the anxiety, increase my self-esteem and try to settle my mind.

[catfeeder]

and all of these thoughts come up about why things aren't working out,

 

Depends on what you're finding wrong. What, exactly, is making you unhappy?

 

If you can identify your source of unhappiness, you can actively problem solve from there.

[amika98]

Well, I assume I've figured it out. I feel unwanted for the most part. He's extremely securely attached and with reserved emotions and I have an anxious attachment style that leaves me feeling unwanted and insecure (the fact that he can't tell me I'm pretty or attractive just boggles my mind), and as of lately, I want to leave the relationship. With some previous discussion on this forum I've found that I need to tell him my needs, he needs to try to meet them, and I need to work on myself some more. I figure we do this as like a 5-6 month trial to see if he can change and I can feel more secure with him. My head still goes around and around though, about how it's not likely he'll change and if he does, it'll probably only be temporary. I guess it's tough because I've grown so attached and in love with him over these years and now when it comes down to it, I just don't see it working out anymore…and it's hard for me to imagine starting over, finding someone as similar to me as he is and then ADD an ability to compliment me, be more ambitious and yet still be in love with me and not scared by my anxious energy. I don't know. I suppose it's just the seemingly impossible thought of leaving an okay relationship to find a GREAT relationship…and to do so within 5 years, since I'll be 31 by the time this relationship trial is up and then you know, female clock is ticking. I guess there's just a lot on the line…a good relationship to give up, a great one to go in seek of, with a timeline though…it's all scary. The thought of marrying my current bf though sounds so despairing. I can see why some women end up marrying out of convenience or "seemed to be the proper next step" and then divorce later after kids (not intentionally though as if that was their plan the whole time), as I can see if I stay, that's how it'd be.

[catfeeder]

as of lately, I want to leave the relationship. With some previous discussion on this forum I've found that I need to tell him my needs, he needs to try to meet them,

 

...and in exchange, ask him to think about and come up with some of his own wants and needs, and you can discuss ways you can try to meet those.

 

It needs to be a two way street, or there's nothing in it for him.

 

The whole art of negotiation is to barter things of value to him in exchange for things of value to you. It can be fun, it can be productive, but it always needs to be reciprocal so neither person is villainized and both people are motivated.

 

It also can't be vague--like 'show me you love me more...' because that can mean 2 different things to 2 different people. It needs to be focused on specific actions you want.

 

I need to work on myself some more.

 

In what ways? Are you in therapy?

 

figure we do this as like a 5-6 month trial to see if he can change and I can feel more secure with him.

 

Ideally negotiating your wants and needs is not just a one time deal. This is what successful couples do all the time.

 

Since the changes would be offered by both of you, you'll also want to see whether you can be happy living out what he asks of you. The length of time shouldn't be a factor in your willingness to get started. If either of you decides that you want out of this before the timeframe you set, you're not locked into that time--so don't create a barrier to trying with that.

 

head still goes around and around though, about how it's not likely he'll change and if he does, it'll probably only be temporary.

 

This is where you're derailing. You're throwing yourself into mind spins trying to predict outcomes. That's unproductive, and it's what keeps you stagnating. You ran through all kinds of speculation in this post, and by the end of it you had yourself divorcing and forcing single parenthood on yourself.

 

THAT is the stuff of your paralysis, and you need to just stop it. Either you're willing to attempt work on the relationship, or you're not. If so, find out whether BF is also. If he's not, then there's no further decisions to make.

 

So figure out what specific behaviors you need from BF in order to want to stay. Then review your list and decide whether you'd actually want to stay if BF demo'd a willingness and ability to work all or part of your list. Decide which are dealbreakers.

 

If you'd want to stay in that case, then have the conversation to offer BF a fair exchange of wants and needs. If you'd still doubt your desire to stay, then it makes no sense to go through with the exercise, and the only thing you'd need to figure out is when you'll want to leave.

 

Nowhere in any of this is a need for YOU to predict whether BF would be willing or able to make the changes you want. Your considerations are limited to 1) what you want from him, exactly, and 2) whether those things would be enough for you to want to stay.

 

The rest is all irrelevant for now. Keep to your scope, and begin your work.

 

Head high.

[mhowe]

No we live together

 

According to your other thread you broke up on Sept 25th. Care to elaborate?