I feel like I'll never find anyone like her...

[SpaceRace8421]

I just recently lost the best girl in the world. I truly don't feel like I'll ever find anyone that great again. I'd rather not go into details about how it happened, but I'm certain I'll never get her back. She truly was one-of-a-kind. Beautiful on the inside and the outside. Unbelievably pretty, unbelievably down-to-earth and nice, shared many of my personality traits... Look, the point is, she was amazing, and I had never met anyone like her. I truly don't feel like I will ever find anyone like that. How do I go on? I feel like there's no point to life if you don't have a special someone to spend it with. How am I supposed to go on like this? I'll never love like that again, and I'm honestly tempted to just give up on love, on friendships, on relationships, on everything. Will I ever find anyone else? Because right now it feels like she was the right one. As well as all those other qualities I listed, something about her just felt right... But I lost my chance to be with her. I don't know what to do now. I feel broken and I feel like giving up

[mhowe]

Well, she might change her mind.

[SpaceRace8421]

She might change her mind? It's possible, but I doubt it. There was just too much damage done. What do I do if she doesn't?

[mhowe]

What was the damage?

[Missed]

Yes what was the damage?

[SooSad33]

Never give up....

This is how you feel NOW, but in time things do change. I've gone thru my share of relationship break ups and of course, no, they aren't easy to accept

 

Everything takes time. Time for you to work on accepting & healing.

One thing I remember someone saying.. You were okay before her, you'll be okay after her.

 

For now, yes you'll feel lost, emotional, broken etc. That's part of loss.

 

Not sure what else to say except Im sorry for your loss. I understand how you feel...

One day at a time. Things will be different for you in 6 months, and in a year from now.

[Movingforward3]

Never give up and never say never. Why do you feel you have no second chance?

[JustWishing]

It is hard to determine your situation without knowing what damage was done. Maybe it is fixable?

[Lucia Amman]

without knowing anything about your situation, I think most of us on ena here has felt what you're feeling now. And a majority of us has found a new love. I know that is not what you are going to believe and certainly not something you can feel or trust to even think about such possibilities right now.

 

Truth is, I know for a fact that you'll never find someone like her again. Your love for her will never be met again. You will never ever love someone like you loved her. There is a quote from Tolstoy: “I think... if it is true that

there are as many minds as there

are heads, then there are as many

kinds of love as there are hearts.”

 

 

― Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina

 

I think these words are very true. By nature you wont love anyone as you loved her, and no one can ever love her like you loved her. Every love is different. Rest your restless and hurting heart in the fact that this alone is true. Be thankful that you at least have had the oppertunity to know this love and get to experience is because no one else ever will. Now, where is the blessing in this? While ypu may never love like this again, you'll find someone to love again, in a totally different way, yes. But in an even more glorious form maybe. You can never truly know of course. I've experienced a few times the heartbroken sickness of my heart that was still madly in love with a person that left me for no reason at all or for reasons I didn't want to understand. And although I was hurt I found happiness in the bitterness of it all. I found happiness in the fact that I at least wasn't broken. I wasn't broken to love someone so deeply. I wasn't broken to open my heart, my life to this person. I was vulnerable - as my love sickness was a proof to that - and only the vulnerable have the strength to love. Only a man who has nothing to lose has never known his hearts desire. Life through your pain. You'll find a way to deal with it. You now know what you want, don't you? You now know that not a girl or a woman will ever be good enough for you if she at least not resembles an inch of this woman that once broke your heart. And in a way that is a blessing too: because now you can find someone that is better.

 

But even if you don't, you've the memories to cherish. My broken heart healed, I lived. Every one always lives through it.

[IAmFCA]

OP

 

I've been wanting to post here since you posted to say this:

 

You will never find someone like her. Nope, never will.

 

And that's okay, and probably even, good.

 

But in the shock.and despair of the loss, what I am saying is senseless.

 

We all have examples. Here is mine.

As a midlifer I met a man like nobody else. In terms of compatibility, I've never not once met anyone with whom there was such a connection. And I have had some great great loves. The experience was the same for him. We thought, boom, this is it. We might stay together forever.

 

Then we broke up.

 

Falling in love with him and losing him both were among the greatest gifts of my adult life. Our connection remains, we love each other still. We not meant to be life partners.

 

That experience taught me a few things that I continue to discover. Whatever they are, I am now dating someone of rare quality. It's slow and it's only a few months old, and its a whole different experience. Of course it is. The inputs into the equation are different than before.

 

This I know and it's the same for me and for you:

 

- our love raised the bar and showed us our worth

- with that gift inside us, we will now experience something deeper stronger and longer lasting than what we had before.

 

Keep fighting in your own best interest. Fight through the grief and the despair and the wonder as to whether your life will ever be put back together. Give yourself positive self talk. The experiences you had are yours, they stay with you. All is not lost. If you fight that fight, many layers of beauty will unveil themselves to you, one by one.

 

Churchill is said to have said:

 

If you find yourself going through hell, keep going.

 

And that is the truth.

[SpaceRace8421]

Thank you all for your words of hope and kindness, especially Lucia Amman and IThinkICan. I appreciate you taking the time to try and help me, and I think I can keep going. It'll take me a while to get over her, and maybe you're right, maybe there is a second chance in this. I feel much better after reading these.

[JustWishing]

We wish you the best of luck and keep us updated on your journey

[IAmFCA]

Thank you all for your words of hope and kindness, especially Lucia Amman and IThinkICan. I appreciate you taking the time to try and help me, and I think I can keep going. It'll take me a while to get over her, and maybe you're right, maybe there is a second chance in this. I feel much better after reading these.

 

Thank for the kind words and your welcome.

 

ENA folks have your back.

[SpaceRace8421]

Basically, what happened is that I started acting too needy around her, and now she just stopped talking to me. No warning, nothing like that. She didn't ask for a break or anything. I don't know how to get her back. Right now, my only plan is to just give her some space for a while, but I don't know if she'll ever talk to me anymore

[IAmFCA]

Basically, what happened is that I started acting too needy around her, and now she just stopped talking to me. No warning, nothing like that. She didn't ask for a break or anything. I don't know how to get her back. Right now, my only plan is to just give her some space for a while, but I don't know if she'll ever talk to me anymore

 

That's a good plan. Helps you heal too.

[SpaceRace8421]

That's a good plan. Helps you heal too.

 

Do you think she'll ever talk to me again? I don't know what to think anymore, and I don't want to get my hopes up too much. Basically, I was thinking giving her two weeks. If she doesn't talk to me in two weeks, I was gonna have my friend talk to her for me, who's really good friends with her, and have him try and talk her into giving me another chance; he's a good friend of mine, too, so I know he'd try his best to get her to give me another chance. But until then, I'm just scared she won't even talk to me...

[IAmFCA]

Do you think she'll ever talk to me again? I don't know what to think anymore, and I don't want to get my hopes up too much. Basically, I was thinking giving her two weeks. If she doesn't talk to me in two weeks, I was gonna have my friend talk to her for me, who's really good friends with her, and have him try and talk her into giving me another chance; he's a good friend of mine, too, so I know he'd try his best to get her to give me another chance. But until then, I'm just scared she won't even talk to me...

 

Do not make your friend the go between.

 

Also, do not talk to her until.she ceases to become the center of your thinking. Life is much bigger than your relationship as hard as that seems at the moment.

 

None of us know if/when you'll speak again. She may not know herself.

 

Either way, you need a more secure sense of self so that you are not dependent on her approval - or anyone else's. Go accomplish something. Join something that fills your calendar. You become more attractive to her. Eventually what she thinks won't matter because the activities will sustain you in a way she couldn't.

[SpaceRace8421]

Do not make your friend the go between.

 

Also, do not talk to her until.she ceases to become the center of your thinking. Life is much bigger than your relationship as hard as that seems at the moment.

 

None of us know if/when you'll speak again. She may not know herself.

 

Either way, you need a more secure sense of self so that you are not dependent on her approval - or anyone else's. Go accomplish something. Join something that fills your calendar. You become more attractive to her. Eventually what she thinks won't matter because the activities will sustain you in a way she couldn't.

 

I appreciate this, but I can't accomplish anything, and I can't stop thinking about her. She's perfect in every way. There is no one out there like her, and I can't get that out of my head.

[IAmFCA]

You can't or you don't want to? If you can't then there is nothing to discuss. You will spend the rest of your years putting a mere human into a fictional angel, wanting something you can't have because it never existed. She is not an idol.

 

Part of what you are letting go of is the story you told yourself about her, about you, about your future. Part of what you are letting go of is the certainty that you were right. You aren't right. She is a fully formed individual with nuances and flaws and the rest like every other human. If you were a fit, you'd be secure enough not to cling. And she'd accept you as insecure as you may be.

 

If you want to help yourself, use the facts at hand.

 

She thought you were too needy.

You thought you were too needy.

Why were you so needy?

What can you do about it?

 

It's past time to focus on you and your knowledge of you, and your interest in you.

 

I can't review. I hope this is coherent.

[SpaceRace8421]

You have no idea how important this girl is to me. She is the best. She's one of a kind, and if I let myself lose her over something like this, I'll never forgive myself. PLEASE tell me there's a way to fix it.

[IAmFCA]

You have no idea how important this girl is to me. She is the best. She's one of a kind, and if I let myself lose her over something like this, I'll never forgive myself. PLEASE tell me there's a way to fix it.

 

1. Yes, I have some idea. I am someone who has been through divorce, death, and later, the loss of a bf I thought I was destined to be with for the remainder of my days.

 

2. I was wrong- he was the gift that taught me what I can achieve. My job is to let him go and go get what's actually meant for me.

 

3. Be the best you possible. She knows how to find you and will be keeping tabs on you in ways you will never know.

 

4. You can not solve neediness by being needy some more. It may be the hardest lesson you learn and result in the biggest gifts.

 

Look, this is deeply painful stuff. I get it. There is no way to get to the other side without facing the pain and learning about yourself as you do. You will discover strengths and gifts you didn't know you had.

 

5. Finally, a needy dynamic means you were making her responsible for your stability, your happiness. That is evident in your current struggle. Therefore, the only way to be suitable let for her is to become responsible for your own stability and happiness.

---

I wish I could tell you what you want to hear, but instead I am telling you what my life has taught me. When I was in your shoes, I lived in a corner of my couch with my laptop and put any of my questions into Google. "Why does it hurt so bad?" "Will I ever be okay on my own?" "Can I get him back" evolved into a three day self study in relationship skills that I never knew. Plus I learned about deep aspects of my emotional health and began to cure old pains leftover from my parents - and I grew up surrounded by love and enthusiasm. Still I came away with some deep insecurities no man could ever fix. I was able to fix within a year of this experience, with practice and of course I will always be fixing, like any new student I am not a lifelong expert in my new skills. That's okay, I am human and striving.

 

I said so much about me because I want to paint an alternative path for you, that is focused on you. Your neediness is about you, not about her.

 

When you are happy inside and out you will attract the same. You can not get this woman back so long as you are pining for her, as oxymoronic as that sounds.

 

Please please focus on making yourself whole first, without her or anyone else. Different outcomes require different inputs. You have to change to get what you want.

 

I

[SpaceRace8421]

I just got an update from my friend, and apparently she's feeling sick and studying for college midterms, so she has practically no time to talk... I just need to not be needy, right? The next time she contacts me (if she contacts me), I just have to act like normal, yeah? If I do that, then eventually she'll see that I've changed and was mature enough to give her space... But then what?

[IAmFCA]

I just got an update from my friend, and apparently she's feeling sick and studying for college midterms, so she has practically no time to talk... I just need to not be needy, right? The next time she contacts me (if she contacts me), I just have to act like normal, yeah? If I do that, then eventually she'll see that I've changed and was mature enough to give her space... But then what?

 

Yes.

 

Practice. And make the change that happens on the outside take root on the inside.

 

When you don't hear from her, what stories start to enfold in your head? Change those. Instead of wondering whether she likes you etc. Try thinking - I like me. I wonder if I like her. Anyhow, when was the last time I hung out with so and so. I had better call him.up.

[SpaceRace8421]

Thank you so much, you've been such a big help. I know I'll be okay, and I'm sorry I seem so negative right now, but you know... It just seems so hard to focus on other things at this point, you know? Still, thank you.

[SpaceRace8421]

But honestly, I'm a complete mess. When I think of this girl, I think about myself marrying her, and I think about her... And the fact that when she has her wedding it won't be with me, and just... Holy , I am in so much pain right now.