Do I have a chance or am I just spinning my wheels?

[WECoyote]

Ok... Where to start?

 

I know the first part of this is going to seem that this post doesn't belong in this particular forum. However, I feel that this information is pertinant to complete understanding of my current situaion which is well within the requirements for this forum. thereforeeee, I'll start from the beginning of my problems. About 8 months ago my wife and companion of not quite 7 years decided that she no longer wanted to be married to me anymore.

 

Initially, her stated reasons for leaving were that she was growing in one direction and I wasn't growing in the same direction with her. Hence, we were "Growing apart and out of love". I asked for her to consider counseling and she energetically declined. It was at this point that I asked what I had done to cause these feelings. She told me that it was nothing I had done and nothing she had done. It just wasn't working anymore.

 

From this point, the first thing I did was begin to analyze the most recent events that had occurred in our relationship. This is the best I could come up with. Four months prior, we began to associate with a new group of friends. Up until that point, our "friends" were nothing more than acquaintances that we hung out with once in a while. Anyway, we started hanging out with our new circle of friends and truly having the best time of our lives. We had had small issues in our relationship up until this point but what couple doesn't. With this newfound friendship all of our prior problems seemed to have disentigrated and things seemed to be moving in the right direction and we both seemed happy. Not a bad thing, or atleast I didn't think at the time.

 

Things began to get rough when we started going out every single night of the week. Large amounts of alcohol began to be consumed and sleep became a thing of the past. About two and a half to three months into it, I began to realize that this was not healthy or fiancially responsible. I began trying to cut back on these activities. The only problem was that she didn't want to cut back. So, I began staying home more and she continued to hang out with our "friends" and eventually very slowly stopped coming home. Now I know at this point, the very first thought that is going to come into everyone's mind is an affair. Let me say this right now. I know for a fact that up until our separation, there was no such thing going on. Don't ask how I know... I just do.

 

As these things began to unfold, she began to become more and more distant. I began to become scared of losing what I felt was the best thing in my life. I began acting completely out of my character. Acting out of emotion as opposed to logic. I also became very obsessive. I was doing things like calling multiple times a day and all hours of the day. I was alos calling her friends and family asking for advice. I realize now that this is one of the absolute worst things I could have done if my marriage was what I was trying to save.

 

Out of this, one of her family members decided that there was a book that I should read and mailed it to me. The premise of the text was that most times in this life, there is no training for mariage and we are all set up to fail. There were lots of items in the text that really made me think about the last 7 years of my life and things that I might have done wrong to cause a failed marriage.

 

It was at this point that I began to analyze and examine the last 7 or so years of my life. I began to realize that maybe I hadn't been the best husband in the world to my wife and deffinately not the best friend I could be. These are the things I began to realize:

 

1) The most obvious. When we met, I was a fairly attractive young man of 20 years old. I was in very good athletic shape, running 6-7 miles a day and working out (Because I had to. However that's a different story) . Anyway, I stood about 5'7" weighed 160lbs, had a 38" chest, 30" waist and a 6 pack. Well, some events ocurred in my life about 6 months later and no longer was I required to exercise. I began to do what I wanted to do in my life. I stopped working out completely and said to myself that I am going to relax for a while. In the process, I graduated college, and asked my now wife to marry me. Also, in this process, I gained a large amout of weight and at the point of our separation, I weighed 230lbs and had a 38" waist. It was at this time of analization that I began to realize that she had been dropping hints over the last 6 years that she was dissatisfied with my weight gain and that it was unhealthy. I just ignored the signs.

 

2) Due to my decision to "relax", I also became very lazy. I stopped taking care of myself and my life. I realized that I never really helped my wife around the house taking care of the chores etc. She would ask me to, I would tell her I would but yet, I never would do the things I said I would. In a sense, I was lying to her. That's the way she viewed it and to be quite honest, that's the way it was.

 

3) Also, as a direct result of this "relaxation", I stopped taking care of my finances the way I should have effectively destroying my credit and hurting hers. This caused financial strife in the relationship.

 

4) I took a new job about 3 years into our marriage that was very stressful. I began working extremely long hours and was on call 24x7x365. I was called in at all hours of the night and morning especially around 2am. This alone was bad enough because I was hardly ever home.

 

5) As a result of the above mentioned job and the stress associated therein, I became a straight up a**hole. No other way to put it. I was not a person anybody wanted to be around let alone live with.

 

 

With these realizations, I began to work on what I could and try to piece my life back together. First and foremost, I began recieving professional counseling. Then I did the following:

.

 

1) I began running every day. I started to lose weight and feel better about myself but still had the lingering though about my wife leaving me.

 

2) Will discuss what I have done about this farther down.

 

3) Still in the very painful process of trying to piece this back together

 

4&5) I took a new job that is only 40hrs a week and there is limited to no stress. I can leave work at work.

 

 

 

At this point, I had become most certain that my marriage was over and that it was time that I get on with my life and put the past behind me. After all, I wouldn't have taken me back. I did something very stupid in this time of my life. I got involved in another relationship. Even tho I knew better, it took my mind of the hurt and anquish I was experiencing. It was at this point, I completely severred all communication with my wife. I also did something else, not intentionally but it did happen. I showed up at the local watering hole with this new signifcant other because I felt I could finally show my face in public again. It wasn't a week later that I started recieving voice mails from my wife wanting to work things out. She even tracked me down at my new job. Then she begged me to meet with her to talk. I tried to resist it but I couldn't. I reluctantly agreed to meet with the purpose of ensuring it was over and moving on with my life. I did this because I feared that this unsolicited contact was due to the fact that I was moving on and she no longer had visuals on what I was doing with my life. I met, we talked and she asked me to try and work things out. Because of the afformentioned fear, I rejected her request. She drove off in tears and deep in emotion. I felt bad but at the same time, I felt relieved.

 

A month passed and our Anniversary came and I began to think about her. However, I new I had put an end to our relationship. Well, a couple of weeks before Christmas, she called. She wanted to meet for coffee. I agreed. During this meeting for coffee, we both agreed to be friends and let the past be the past and "accept that it was over and we were both scared". Well, a week after Christmas, actually... New Years Eve, I received a call from her. She was asking for money to help with the deposit for electricity for her new Apartment. We were both cordial to each other. Four days later, I received a call from her asking for me to bring her some of her things and to have dinner. I agreed. My then girlfriend was out of town so it wasn't a big deal.

 

I met her at her house, gave her the things she requested. We sat down for dinner and when it came time to bless the food, we both reached for each other's hand, looked at each other then retracted our hands. It was kind of a weird place to be. Realizing that there was nothing wrong with that, I reached for her hand, we blessed the food and had a nice dinner. She cooked my favorite. Shortly before departing for the evening, she had some things of mine she gave me. In those things was a book of pictures. I started flipping throgh the album. I came accross some pictures of happy times in both of our lives. I began to get teary eyed but tried to hide it. She sensed this and asked me to talk to her. I did and from that point, we decided we really should work things out but be slow and cautious about it.

 

Things went well for a couple of weeks. When I was over at her house, I did the dishes, helped her clean etc. It was here that I took care of item #2 in my failures of the relationship. Anyhow, into this period of working things out, we hit a serious stumbling block. The details can be viewed here: (one note before reading the post. The very day that this incident occurred, I had made up my mind to put 100% trust in my wife.) link removed

 

We struggled through that issue. The next week was rough but not too bad. The following weeks got better and she would call me every morning to wish me a good day. That brings us to where I am today:

 

Yesterday was one of the best days in the last couple of years in my life and it was also the worst. The best: She told me 3 times on 3 different occasions that she loved me without any provocation to say such. I know some of you feel like yeah so what. However, understand she doesn't say that often and when she does, atleast in the past, she has meant it. The worst, she called me to go out with her and meet one of our friends last night. I did. We were out til about 11:45 then she said she was ready to go home. I said ok. I walked her out to her vehicle, she kissed me goodnite told me she loved me and to be careful going home. I at this point offered to follow her home to ensure she got home safely (she had been drinking). No I don't condone drinking and driving but she would not let me take her home nor call a taxi. Well, she didn't want me to follow her home stating that she was fine and a big girl and could take care of herself. I said ok. She followed me out of the parking lot and then turned off to go to her house. It was after this split that I began to think... Why was she so insistant on me not following her home. Here's where I make a big mistake and acted like a borderline stalker/psychotic. I made a U-Turn and passed by her house, she wasn't home. I proceeded to drive and called to say that I had made it home and that I was safe. I also realized that last time I was at her house I had left something that I needed for work today. I asked if it was there. She said... I don't know, I'm just walking in the door. She checked and said... yes... it's here. I asked if I could come by and pick it up. She said no, she was going to bed and that I could come by in the morning (today). I said okay. Before she got off the phone, she said what a good time she had had and that she loved me. I was still in the neighborhood so I made one more pass. Her vehicle wasn't there. I decided that I would just go home and discuss that later. Well, on my way home, I saw her vehicle and the vehicle of the friend sitting in a nearby parking lot. I became very angry and drove into the parking lot. I got out of my car said WTF is going on. She said nothing. I got in my vehicle calmly and left. She got in her vehicle and followed me home at the same time calling my phone. I didn't answer. She called and called and called and called until we got to the house. I got out of my car and headed into my house. She followed me up to the house. It was here that we began to argue. I explained what it looked like to her and she began to blame me, call me a stalker, and tell me that she has her own life. It is now at this point that she said... It's things like this and reactions like this that is why I left you (referring to the anger and mistrust). I feel like I was right for not trusting especially with the information from my other post. However, I realize that I shouldn't have used the methods that I used.

 

So, if you made it this far, it must have been an interesting read, or you might have some advice. But that's it... it's all out there and I feel like crap.

 

Thanks in advance for your input.

[ReadyorNot]

Im not exactly sure if you are asking something..... and I know I would hate to hear this but I think maybe you should just move on.... she is being deceitful and you shouldnt have to put up with that.... whether the friend was male or female she told you she was going home and she didnt... and then when you called her, she said she was just walking in the door when clearly she wasnt.... whats that all about?

 

I think you need to move on and find yourself a lady who wont be running you around like this...

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

OK, I read the whole thing. Although I don't believe snooping is a good idea in most situations, I don't think you were completely wrong in this one. You didn't ignore the warning lights and by doing so you found that she was lying to you. She's done it before (I read about the post about the hickey). I think the reason she's so mad is two fold. Yes, you did invade her privacy, that's enough to make anyone mad but you also caught her in a lie. IMHO, I think that's the main reason she followed you and let you have it. She needed to turn the blame around on you and to make you feel guilty. She wasn't completely unjustified, but she also has to realize that since she left you she needs to be completely up front and honest. You've now found out that she wasn't being that way with you twice now.

 

Honestly, I think your best course of action would be to start NC immediately. Don't tell her you need time to think, etc, etc, do it now. If you don't do this now you're only going to let her know that you'll accept her lying and hiding things from you. Also, it will give you both a chance to cool down and approach this rationally. She also might realize that she was wrong to lie and hide things from you if she has time to think about it. If she really does want you back, you will hear from her again. You just need to be patient, as hard as that will be to do. If she doesn't contact you, then she doesn't deserve you.

 

Just my two cents. I hope everything works out for you.

[WECoyote]

Lonelyinasmaltown:

 

Hmm... I guess I mislead you on a fact. She didn't follow me to let me have it. She followed me to try and explain herself. However, at that point in time, I didn't want to hear her explanations. Hence, I didn't answer the phone when she called. I in turn in my hurt and anger (a lot calmer than I used to be) told her that she lied to me and that I didn't want to hear it. I proceeded to tell her to step back and look at it from my perspective. What if I had done the same to her? She then proceeded to let me have it. This is where she said well first off, I wouldn't have followed you etc...

 

Readyornot:

 

For anything of what it's worth, it was a male friend. That's not what upset me tho. It was as you stated; the simple fact that I was lied to. That's what hurt. All she had to do was tell me that she enjoyed spending time with me but wanted to go out by herself for a little while. I wouldn't have liked it, I would have been hurt, but not nearly as bad as I was when I was lied to.

 

 

As a side note, for what it's worth, the story that both tell separately (and I didn't give them time to discuss it amongst themselves) she called him to ask what his GF was up to. He said he was going to see her and that he had stopped at the grocery store which happened to be right there near her house. She said... Oh, that's just around the corner, I'll meet you there. She is good friends with the GF and hadn't seen her in a week and wanted to go see her. Am I nieve? Just thought it was weird that their stories coincided.

 

Anyway... Thanks for the input. I look forward to more.

[WECoyote]

Oh... and one more thing. I have started NC. In the past it has worked quite well when I could stick to it. My problem is that I have a hard time finding things to do during times of NC and I usually end up falling flat on my face.

[PrincessLinzay]

I also read both threads, and my gut reaction tells me she's hiding something from you. Im sorry, but the lies..... and the hickey? Come on...... This is definitely not going to help you get over your trust and insecurity issues. Furthermore, it won't help build a solid relationship this time around.

 

Who can you trust if you can't trust your wife?

 

I would look deep, I bet she's done other things which have hurt you and made you insecure. I think it's a pretty serious lie to tell the truth.

[chai714]

You're wife's words and actions are unparralel. What I mean, is that they contradict each other. She says she wants to work things out, yet continues to lie to you. If you continue to "try to work things out" while she lies to you, what you're telling her is that it's ok to lie to you, and that you'll still be there for her.

 

She came home with a hickey on her neck and she's not your ex wife yet? Something wrong there. Talk about not trying to hide any evidence. She's bold, and has lost respect for you. Having your partner respect you is the most important element in a relaitonship. Some would argue trust is, but without respect, there is no relationship.

 

Your wife's dishonesty has brought out your insecurities (you driving up to her in the parking lot). If you want to be with your wife, the first thing you'll need to do is get her to respect you. How do you do this? It starts by letting her know her behavior is unacceptable and being consistent about it.

[WECoyote]

PrincessLinzay:

 

Actually, I have dug really deep and really hard and couldn't come up with anything. All of this is totally out of character for her. She really changed after we separated. Before the separation, it was nothing like this. It used to be that she was the one that had the trust issue with me.

 

When we started talking about working things out. We were both very open and honest about everything. I told her of my then current relationship as she told me about hers. Not every single knit-picky detail but enough to know the gist of how each relationship was going. Also enought to know that we had both done somethings that we knew would hurt the other's feelings but we were being open and honest and it helped a lot.

[WECoyote]

Chai714:

 

She didn't try to hide the evidence because she didn't know it was there. I discovered this a few days after my post.

 

I also think that if there becomes anymore conversation of working it out, I am going to have to tell her to "Sh... or get off the pot". Is that wrong? Is there another way to approach that?

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

About the meeting in the parking lot. Yeah, that does sound a little too coincidental especially so late at night. Couple that with the hicky incident. I think you know where I'm going with this. I might be wrong though, but it just sounds too fishy. The fact that she lied to you about where she was and you caught her with this guy makes me think that she might have something going on with him. Nevermind that he is the boyfriend of her friend. Things like this aren't unknown to happen. At least that's the way it looks like to me.

 

As for her getting upset AFTER you said what if the situations were reversed. It's my opinion that she realized what it looked like, how you felt and how she screwed up. Then she let you have it so that it was your fault and not hers.

 

In the meantime I'm glad to hear you've started NC. She needs to know that you won't take this. If she can't realize that you're only trying to protect yourself, that's her problem.

 

Good luck and stay strong buddy!

[shockeddismayed]

Chai714:

 

She didn't try to hide the evidence because she didn't know it was there. I discovered this a few days after my post.

 

I also think that if there becomes anymore conversation of working it out, I am going to have to tell her to "Sh... or get off the pot". Is that wrong? Is there another way to approach that?

 

I agree with the others...

 

Even if..... and it is a BIG if..... she actually DOES want to work it out with you, it is CLEAR from her actions that she is not anywhere near ready to give it the 110% that it deserves. You've been patient with her... and she's responded by sustained and increasing levels of immaturity and a web of deceit.

 

You say that you still see evidence of the woman you fell in love with... but from what you are telling us, there is still a huge demon in her that she hasn't exorcised yet.

 

She's spiralling out of control and pulling you down with her.

 

Do strict NC as the others have said... and when she comes back to sniff around (and she will). Just tell her what should be obvious to you.... she either doesn't respect you, or she's not ready to give this the relationship the work it requires.... and that until you see evidence that she is, you are operating under the decision she made for the both of you.

[WECoyote]

OK... Quick question about NC... Past experience and research have shown that she is bound to contact me at some point if I follow the "rules" of NC correctly. The Question is this... If she calls do I answer, or do I wait for her to call again?

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

That's a tough one. I wouldn't answer right away that's for sure. You see the problem is that if you talk to her as soon as she calls she's going to think "oh he was just mad but he's over it, I guess it wasn't that big of a deal to him" or something similar to that. If you don't answer for awhile she's going to realize that maybe she really hurt you and that she royally screwed up. If you want her back, don't keep up NC forever though. Just give her enough time so that she realizes that it this was a big deal to you.

 

At least that is what I would do. I'm curious to what Shocked would suggest. He was a godsend when my ex left me and look at me now. My ex is begging me to take her back. I just won't until she admits the truth as to why she left in the first place and is willing to work on her problems. She has a lot BTW, probably best if she was single for awhile so she could work them out on her own for herself.

[shockeddismayed]

That's a tough one. I wouldn't answer right away that's for sure....

 

I'm curious to what Shocked would suggest. He was a godsend when my ex left me and look at me now. My ex is begging me to take her back.

 

Hahahaa.....

 

Good to see my advice works... if only I'd followed it.

 

But seriously. Lonely is giving good advice. Certainly it doesn't help to answer anxiously the first time she calls. Obviously that is the panic call and may not be an indication that any TRUE growth or repentance has occurred.

 

My personal view is that you are in for a long haul if you want to work this out. From her actions she is DEFINITELY NOT in control of her emotions and has spun completely off the deep end.

 

It is very likely that it will take months of [insert here] for her to truly recover and realize what she's done.

 

Depending on her personality [insert here] could be anything from couples counselling, individual counselling, soul searching, or drunken rebounding followed by one of the former three.

 

I think based on her actions so far, it is pretty clear to see what she's chosen (at least for the time being). Gulp.... how can anyone be expected to endure that?

 

Plain and simple.... I don't think she is ready. I'd wait until she says something that shows without DOUBT that she has really put this phase behind her. Something like, "I've been talking to my therapist, I realize how wrong I was to cast our relationship aside, I know it will be tough for you to trust me again, but I'm willing to work at this if you'll have me".

 

Her first contact will NOT sound like that. She probably won't even have the courage to leave a message the first time.... then she might want "coffee" and at the coffee meeting it will sound like "I'm lonely, please still be here for me while I figure myself out" or a tricky spin on that same message "I miss you, I think I *might* have made a huge mistake, let's take it slow".

 

I think you've been down that route before.... she fooled you and then blamed you for HER confusion. Her hickey incident was HER fault, not yours. And this latest incident is just another thread that indicates she isn't completely ready to work on this the way she should.

 

When and if you do pick up the phone, be ready to send her back to the corner to think about what she's done. I know that sounds terribly patriarchal... and I hate that, but in this case, she needs tough love. Call her bluff... tell her you don't think she's ready to put in the effort required, tell her what your ground rules are (start with TOTAL honesty, and finish with being willing to SHARE life with each other, not HIDE pieces of it) and tell her to go away until she thinks she can live up to your standards.

 

If she's still chasing a month from the first contact, you might have something.

[shockeddismayed]

Oh yeah... short answer: It's your call.... but I don't think you should even consider returning a phonecall until 2 weeks after she leaves a message.... at the very least come here with the message and see what we think.

 

I'm very concerned about her behaviour. She is very unstable at the moment. If you aren't careful, it is like trying to save a drowning person... she'll pull you under.

[WECoyote]

Ok,

 

That didn't take long at all. She just called and left a message. Very brief but her messages always are. She said hey ______ its ______ when you get this message, give me a call.

 

What do I do?

[WECoyote]

Ok... update.... against my better judgement, I took a friend's advice and called her.

 

He said call her and see what she has to say but whatever you do, don't let her know that anything bothers you. Be happy with the Status Quo.

 

 

This I did.

 

The conversation was small talk... How was you day etc... Just before getting off the phone, she asked when I was coming to get my stuff. I said whenever.

 

So... do I go to the NC and not get my stuff or do I go get my stuff and leave her house key?

[shockeddismayed]

This relationship is dead or dying.

 

It needs to be completely dead before any new relationship can start up.

 

If you can get your stuff without seeing her, do it. And leave the key.

 

If you can't, then leave it a couple weeks until you cool off, or send a friend who was "in the area". Or ask her to send it.

 

It's good you were friendly to her on the phone... you always want to walk away proud of your behaviour... remember that.

 

But.... as I predicted, she isn't ready to do anything more than string you along at the moment. Don't let her..... you picking up your stuff is actually a trap for her to get a reaction or some interest from you at a time when she is NOT ABLE to give you anything in return.

 

Don't fall for it.... Remember, she is not herself right now. You don't know this woman... it's not your wife in there at the moment.

[WECoyote]

Update... My friend (That she met when she was supposedly home) called me tonight to check and see how I was doing. He said he had called her too to see how she was doing. He also called to check and see how things were between us. I told him that it didn't look so good. He said when he asked her the same question, that she responded like we were working through things? (Did I miss something?) He said that she said things were Good and Bad... OK???????

 

Oh... one thing I left out about the conversation we had when all this happened last night was she said... and I quote: "I don't think I can handle being with you right now"

 

 

Anyway... that's whats up. Thank you all for your input. Please keep it coming. I'll post more updates as they come.

 

Later for now

[WECoyote]

Here's a Question...

 

I am going to continue the NC. Before the events of Monday Night, we had made plans for Valentines night. Now, with the way she is acting, I am going to assume those plans are off. However, I think she is very confused about what's going on in her life and as to what she wants. Do I atleast get her a card for Valentines or do I play it by ear to see what's going on with her?

 

Here's a sidenote, she is house sitting for a friend starting tonight and ending Valentines nite. She's going to have plenty of time to sit and think and ponder what's going on. Since her friend is going to be out of town, she isn't going to have anyone to talk to. I think this is an exellent time for the NC to settle in. Or, am I wrong?

 

As always, your comments are appreciated and welcomed.

 

I know I seem like I'm not listening to anything you guys say. I really am, it's just hard when your emotions get in the way. I have always been in control of my emotions and able to think logically, but in this situation, I just can't seem to get that down. That really aggravates me.

 

Thanks again

[WECoyote]

Well, here's another update...

 

At a quarter til 12, she called my cell phone and left a message for me to call her. She then immediately called my work phone and left a message for me to call her.

 

Let me know what to do guys...

[WECoyote]

She called again at 1 o'clock. Again I didn't answer. I did however give in and call her back about 10 minutes later. The first words out of her mouth were "Are you ignoring me?" I of course probably did the wrong thing and said no. We each asked how the other was and made small talk etc. She then proceeded to try to discuss the events of Monday night. She stated that she doesn't want to live that way constantly feeling like whe is under a microscope. She said she didn't want us to be bitter she said she wanted us to be friends but she could not worry about being followed everywhere. To an extent, I agree that I screwed up. I did this by "checking up" on her. That was a mistake. One which I regret. I however do not regret not trusting her. So how do you not trust someone but receive piece of mind at the same time? Is it possible? Am I delusional?

 

Did I create all of this and push her away to do these sorts of things by moving to quickly with trying to get the relationship back together?

 

Am I wrong for thinking this can still work out if only we could find the comfort zone to work from and ease back into this thing.

 

I... I just dont know about anything anymore. I am quite sure however if I were on the outside looking in, I could give pretty decent advice. However, when in the situation, I can't get a separation of emotion and logic.

 

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[WECoyote]

Update:

 

She called twice again tonight. This time no conversation of anything just small talk. Go figure.

[goodoleboy]

Hmm, I have read all of the posts. You sound so much like me I thought it was me at first. LOL I had a real hard time with no contact. If she called I had to pick up. No matter how many times my friends on here told me not too. Emotions play a factor so much that you cant ignore them. But I have now started the NC. I did this years ago and it worked. Dont say you are avoiding her. Say you have been out or real busy and just got the chance to call her back. but wait a few days.

 

Second thing. You dated a girl. then when she found out she started calling you. I found this is a big key. I have dated a few girls now. I enjoy the company and it takes my mind of divorce. But I dont have sex with them. I can pass a lie detector or swear on anything. but I have dated. When my wife found out I had a date for lunch she went off. Even though we have been seperarted for a month. I just over looked it and went on. I dont care if she finds out. But I wont stomp on her with it. But it does no harm to enjoy others. Now alot say this is a no no. but if they want to know things in the bible that state that even Jesus enjoyed the company of women I will prove it. Now to cheat is another story. But to date is great.

 

When the NC kicks in and then the fact another girl is taking her place and she no longer gets the automatic love you have given her she will trip hard.

 

I have learned to call family and frineds when I get the urge to call her. That way I can stick to the NC. It is so dang hard. NC is the hardest thing I have ever done. but I kjnow it can be done since I am doing it now.

 

Just my 2 cents but hope it helps.

[WECoyote]

Goodoleboy:

 

Thanks for the input and I know everything that you are saying is true. I know this for two reasons:

 

1) I read it in a very good book "Stop My Divorce"

 

2) I lived it and then we actually started talking again which brings us to where we are today.

 

I guess the big thing is this... It's hard to do first off. Secondly, I think she is still caught up on her freedom. This is the first time in her entire life that she has had to be "Free". She moved out of her parents house at 19 to live with me. We have been together ever since. Well, atleast until the separation. Since we started talking again, we have talked every day.

 

 

 

UPDATE: Well, I screwed up again today. My dad called this morning (My Wife and I moved out of state 5 years ago) anyway... my dad called me this morning to tell me that my wife's great grandmother had passed away and wanted to know if she or I knew abou it. I hadn't so I called her to let her know. She was very appreciative for the information and then we had a little small talk. How are you? Have a good day. etc...

 

Then I cut it short and left it at that. To be honest, I actually expected to hear from her tonight but I didn't. However, I did really well, I got on the phone with a friend at about 8:30. It's now 12:00 and time to hit the sack. So, I passed the time without calling her. Nevermind the fact that I talked about her the whole time... Atleast I didn't call her. Well, bedtime for now. This place has given me a great idea. I think I'm going to start keeping a journal. It's a great way to vent and I feel like I'm accomplishing something. It's also good to be able to go back and read and follow progress. The benefit here is that I can get feed back. Thank you all for your feedback. Please keep it coming. I know with me it seems like you are talking to a brick wall. You really aren't. I'm just fighting really hard. Anyway, I'm done rambling for this evening. Everybody be good.

 

 

WEC