Can I win back her love?

[Justaguy21]

Okay my situation is as follows. My girlfriend and I are doing the long distance thing. She lives about 2 hours away from me, and we are both going to college. She's 19 and Im about to turn 21. We've been together for 3 years. In the past I was controlling, jealous, insecure, and so on, but I've changed immensly to the point of non-existence. We recently took a month break from each other and then ended up getting back with one another. She told me when we got back that if she feels we are going to start fighting again that she will break up with me for good but I also told her if we got back for her to work on communication. Well things were great for the next couple of months.

 

No fighting and just lots of fun. Well last week we started to fight a little, and when I say little, I mean it. I told her it made me slighty uncomfortable that she goes to a guys dorm room by herself to do homework and hangout. She said for me to trust her and all and I do but it's just that a lot of guys in college are sharks and my ex isnt exactly ugly. Well I thought we made a comprimise on the situation and then one night she snapped, she said she has been unhappy for a long time and she couldnt get back into the relationship again.

 

She then went on to say that she wanted to break up for good and she said that she no longer loved me like that anymore which just tore my heart out but she still loves me as a best friend. What puzzles me is that we see each other about 3 times a week and when I see her she is totally in love with me. ex. totally affectionate, really cuddly, tells me she loves me, her showing me wedding rings and wedding dresses. So I'm confused because about 3 days ago before she ended it she wanted me to see this wedding section of a cosmo and get my opinion.

 

I asked her why she didnt tell me and she said she dosnt know. Another thing that confuses me is that I would every so often just ask her if she was happy or if im being a good boyfriend and she would reply how Im soo awesome and we are perfect now. Well then she later said when I talked to her a day later that she wanted to break up with me sooner but she didnt want to hurt my feelings. I asked her if we could work things out when she gets back to her home town for summer, where i live, and she said no and she told me she still wanted to be friends and all but totally platonic and if she felt pressured she wouldnt hang out with me. I asked her if she didnt think I changed and she said I did but it's her that changed and she just wants to be single right now and figure things out. I then went to ask her if she found anyone else or if she was going to date soon and she said no.

 

Im confused and I agreed to give her, her space. She also said that she felt things were going back to how they were before and I said if she thinks like that then I would go into therapy to fix this problem. She said that I should for me but not for her and that it's too late to fix this. What was really scary is that she was very calm throughout all this while I was very emotional. I asked her if there was ever going to be a US again and she said just doubts it very much and for me to not hold my breath. We left on good terms me wishing her the best and so on. Well anyways, what should I do? I'm very confused and she said she is confused too right now. But, I don't want to give up on her like this. She will be back home for 4 months in two weeks, should I try anything then? It is just so confusing that she went from black to white over night it seems. Thank you,

-confused

 

Added: Another thing I forgot to add is the reason Im not giving up is because she put up with a lot of my b.s. when we first started dating and so I feel I owe it to her to not give up so easily either. Sorry if it's not really perfect grammar, Im writing this fast because I have to go to work.

[David83]

I am basically in an identical situation!

 

I was with my girlfriend for 2 1/2 years we were engadged after 1 year, and i had the time of my life, i promised myself that i would only ever ask one person in my whole life if they would marry me and i though ong and hard and she was the one.

 

We never really argued about anything, we had little tiffs but never nothing major, she is a very shy person, and i started going out with her when she was at college, she didnt have many friends, because i think she finds it hard to make friends, and in the end of college she only really had one close friend apart from me, and when she left college i was there for her, i am her best friend and she is mine, and then a couple of months atfer she finished college she got job in a theatre, and at first she was finding it ard because she didnt know anyone, and yet again i was always thee for her, i done everything a loving boyfriend could do, i treat her like a queen, always baught her little surprises and everything.

 

I used to go over her house when she was at work, talk to her parents and be there for her when she got home from work, and i gave her massages and everything, because i loved her so much and she had been at work all day, then one day the girls at work asked her to go out with them on the night, i was fine with it because i trust her with my life, and she enjoyed herself, because i know that all she has ever wanted is to have friends and to have fun with them, she went out with her friends and i went out with mine at different places, all was going great.

 

Then all of a sudden she says we need to talk about things, im coming over, so i was worried like you would be when your girlfriend says something like that, i asked her if she had met or seen someone else when she was out that she liked, and she s aid no, and she promised she hadnt, and i believe her because when we only make promises if we mean them, and she said that lately there has been somehting missing in our relationship, she said the "spark" of passion had gone, but i didnt think it had, we had great funt ogether and so on, i said to her that we have ben going ut for a long time now, you know how much i love you. and we agreed that we would give it a couple of month and see how it goes.

 

But only after about 3 days she called again and said we need to talk, but this time i knew something major was wrong, we talked and we decided that we should break up, and that she needed some time to think things over, she said that she loved me more than anything, but we couldnt be together if the "spark" wasnt there anymore, because we are both not ready to be settling down yet, but i told her that it was still there and that i still think about her in those ways (you know and she took her ring off, this killed me!! because i promised ide only ask one person in my life that question as it is a big question and i want it to be a great memory for the both of us!. We both promised that when we go to university in september we will meet up and go out places, just as friends and then see what developes! but she said what shall i do with the ring, and i said keep it, and she said yes i will, because hopefully i would like to wear it again, and she said that she really thinks that we will be together again sometime! and that i am the best thing that has ever happened to her!

 

But silly me though that we would be back together after a coupld of days, 1 month maximum, then a month had came she hadnt replied to any of my messages, so i plucked up the courage to call her after one month had passed, and i told her my feelings, i still love you and miss you e.t.c, and she told me that she THINKS that she loves me as a friend, but i dont believe this because why would she say THINKS?? if she loved me as a friend she would know for sure, but i was very surprised when she started to cry first on the phone, i was always the first to do that, and we decided to kep in touch and call each other when we want to, and i asked her if we could meet up when you have a day off work and she said yes! but just as friends and see how things go! im happy with this because at least i get to see her again, and i dont have to worry about contacting her. and at the end of the call i told her that i loved and missed her, and she replied and aid that she misses me and she loves me too! so thats a good sign i think. so at the minute im keeping my fingers crossed and i have a very strong feeling that we will be together again at some point!

 

So as you can see i'm kind of in the same situation, so i agree with you, give her space, dont contact her, i know its hard, it was killing me when i had to do it, but believe me she will respect you for it, and leave it for a while, try a month like i did, and if she hasnt contacted you in this time, contact her and let her know that you are still there and that you still care for her and love her, let her know your feelings and see what she replies with, it killed me when she told me that she THINKS she loves me as a friend, but then i look back at it and i realised, why would she say thinks? you know, it is a very hard process not contacting, seeing or being with the obe person that you truly love, but i will tell you what people keep saying to me "If you are meant to be, then you will find each other again" that and "Time is the only healer", but do noy give up on her, just like i havent on mine, and it has been over a month, still part of me is missing, and it wont be back until we are together again, but keep youe high spirits, and think positive! thats what i am doing and it makes me happy!, i stil kiss her picture goodnight when i go to bed, i know it sounds pathetic but it helps me sleep, and i keep thinking to myself, is she doing the same on the other end!.

 

I'l keep my fingers crossed for you and good luck!, and wish me luck and cross your fingers for me eh! we will get through this, if we love them as much as we say we do then we have nothing to worry about!

[Justaguy21]

David, Yea man I'll cross my fingers for you as well bro. It's just weird how she and your ex word things. First mine said that she is just confused and needs space and maybe in the future we can try again and then she would say something like "well I dont love you like that anymore" or "we probably wont get back together", well that's whats confusing me. I'm like, well last week you told me how much you wanted to live with me and have my children but next week you just drop me saying how miserable you are, dosnt make sense. Everyone I talk to believes she may be with someone else but I've asked her about three times and she said no each time so I have to give her the benefit of the doubt.

 

I think you are in a better situation then I'm because at least you can see her unlike me where she is far away and around other men all the time. I'll give her the space she needs and when she comes down, I'll call her very subtle like and ask her out to lunch or something. It sucks because she hasnt even emailed me in a week and has ceased all contact like nothing happened. We went from talking everyday and all happy to her just shutting me out with nothing at all. You sound like a really good guy David and probably have a 80 percent chance of everything working out for you but me, I was a jerk in the past and Im paying for it, which sucks because I'm a great guy now and now she wants to drop the great guy which is also very confusing. I've been bracing myself for the worst and all but I cannot give up on her. She knows I love her and I really think she loves me too but she must be really conflicted right now and I have to stick with it. Good luck David, I'm sure you guys will get back together and thanks for the advice.

-Steve

 

ADDED: Another thing is when I go out to with her how can I rekindle things with us if we are just friends? I can't touch her or do anything remotely like flirting or she will back off. Any advice?

 

ADDED#2: I think I'm sorta lucky too because we broke up on the 25th and she has finals the week of June 9-13 and then she has to move out of her dorm back to our hometown and even if she met a guy it would have to be killed because they would have only been dating for about 2 weeks and I doubt she or he would want to date over the summer when they are never going to see each other, since most people at her UC live about 9 hours away from us.

[Justaguy21]

Update: Well I called her a couple of days ago because I needed to update this thing on her computer because she was recently hacked and the dude erased her email and other things so I had to help with this thing well anyways I call her and she sounds really shocked but calm and Im really cool about it and don't bring up the relationship and all I preety much say is, "hey i just need to update something on your computer for you so that you wont get hacked again" she then thanked me and asked how i've been which I replied "good" and then i went online where she sent me a remote assistance request so I can fix her computer from my home well I then told her "well im online so we dont need to be on the phone anymore" she then answered by saying in a confused voice but not angry "okay" and hung up with me. I fixed the problem and she said " That was really sweet of you" where I accepted her nice comment and said no problem and then told her good luck on her finals and that was it and said goodbye. I'm so confused though, if you read my last two posts maybe you can tell me something I'm not seeing. She says she just wants to be friends and never get back with me again and how she fell out of love with me a long time ago yet she would constantly bring up us getting married and are kids names, house, so on and even three days before she dumped me! Any advice is apprecaited. Plus she will be home in two weeks.

[NNIgelb1]

hey you should check out this thing called doc love on link removed it goes into all this kind of stuff, his theme is don't chase after her so much. the more you are jealous the more she will get distant from you etc.

[Deisel2112]

i was in a similar situation, where my ex-girlfriend wanted to be friends, but at the same time was being affectionate, telling me she loved me, and would call me every so often. After going through a year of me asking to get back together, and her rejecting my offer I simply told myself that i was better off without her. I used to get so sad when she told me that she didn't want to date, and that we couldn't be more then friends. Theirs no sense in dragging out the pain, so do what I did (which took me nearly a year to realize), FORGET THAT BITCH. It seems that all she's giving you if grief and heartache. Instead of focusing on this girl, put ur energy into meeting new girls. Their are many fish in the sea, and in order to be happy with those other fish, you need to separate urself from this girl whom is leaving you unhappy. Please, take my advice. It will seem depressing for the first few weeks or so, becasue you will most likely miss her, DON"T GET SUCKED BACK IN, because after the pains over, its worth it. I've been there.