Is boyfriend still attracted to me?

[kate111]

My boyfriend and I have been going out for over a year.

 

We get on really well on a "friends" level and we have one of the most civilised and respectful relationships that I have ever known.

 

But there is something that is getting at me a bit.

 

I put on a bit of weight from the pill around my hips and nether regions. My boyfriend doesn't like it and encouraged me to try to lose it. He is attracted to skinny girls.

 

I have been going to the gym everyday and getting fitter. Then a few days ago he critisised me for not wearing clothes that he finds me attractive in. I think it is true that people should look their best out of respect for the other but I couldn't be bothered after the gym to do this.

 

So now I am going to make more of an effort with how I dress too.

 

But meanwhile he watches pornography which is something I am not ethically opposed to and in the past watching porn together has never worried me. But lately I am resentful of him doing this as i get bad feelings because I feel insecure that he desires these girls and not me. I am also losing my sexdrive as i don't feel sexy.

 

What is going on? Am i overreacting?

 

Why do i feel like this?

 

How can i change it? Everything else in our relationship is rock solid and I really want to stay with this guy.

[DragonGirl724]

hey kate,

i remember you from back in the day. youre a great person.

 

as for your BF situation....id put his thoughts & concerns on the back burner for now. ask yourself: "how do i feel about myself" disreguarding anything your BF said about you.

 

now if you feel you should & would like to lose some weight, try going on a different form of BC pill. a new pill may also improve your sex drive. ask your gyno about it. to lose weight try doing some aerobic exorcises...swimming (is the best form of exorcise, its both aerobic & builds muscles), running, hittin the stair master, or taking aerobics or kickboxing classes. & maybe cut down on some of the junk we all love so much.

 

if i were you id tell your bf youre not feeling yourself right now & would like some time alone & that this isnt a breakup but you need time to refocus some energy into yourself. youd be surprised how much better youd feel about yourself once you start getting those natural endorphines running into your bloodstream. itll improve your self esteem & self image. maybe after all this & hangin out w/ friends & family you may view him completely differently & relize you dont even want that kind of person in your life anymore.

 

once you revitalize yourself & find that you still want to be with him id handle the bf in a stern, concerned way. id say listen i did this body & mind improvement for MYSELF i do not appreciate the critism on your behalf & your excessive porn watching. i will not dress to make you happy, i will be myself & i will dress accordingly. take it or leave it. you are far from perfect like everyone else, so either we have an understanding here or this is gonna be it!

 

-DG724

[melrich]

How long have you been seeing your b/f?

 

I think his sort of attitude could be cause for concern. These comments suggest a controlling personality but I am saying that without knowing thecontext of the comments or how frequently they are being made.

 

I think dragongirl made a good point, you have to be happy with yourself. If you have no problem with your shape and weight then you need to let your b/f know that. A relationship is not about one person trying to change another to be the image of their desires. However physical attraction is an importnat part of the equation and if yoyur b/f is just being honest with you and saying he is attracted to a certain type then you cannot really blame him for that.

 

If he is constantly at you about it then you do need to address it. If you feel the same way about your weight and shape then take dragongirl's advice and get proactive about it.

 

If you are comfortable with where it is at then it is your b/f who needs to adjust. Don't do all the hard work to change just for him, you need to want it for yourself. Same deal with the clothes.

 

If you keep makingh all teh compromises in a relationship there is the opportunity for someone to take advantage of it. If he loves you he will accept whatever decision you feel most comfortable with.

[kate111]

Thanks Dragongirl and Richgabe for your advice and kind words.

 

I am already doing 35 mins aerobic exercise per day and have been for a month. I do feel better physically.

 

Im a pear shape in my bone structure so i am never going to be a really straight up and down skinny type of girl. I have explained this to him.

 

The problem is that i have this feeling that I am never good enough.

 

I want to feel special and that he loves me for who I am and that he desires me. At the moment I know he loves me but im not sure if he finds me physically desirable.

 

Is it too much to ask for a man to desire a pear shaped lady? I can't change that basic fact.

[DragonGirl724]

kate,

 

pear shapes are usually excellent dancers. j-lo's a pear, beyonce', & i can name a bunch more. not every guy like a chick w/ a ruler body. i personally think paris hilton's body looks unhealthy & unattractive. curves are where its at baby! did you ever see the movie, or was it a play, called 'Real Women Have Curves'. hehehe you and a few million other people in the world arent as fit as they want to be. youre talkin to one right now & probably more than 75% of the people on this forum. we all want to look better, thats a good thing & a bad thing. its good we always want to be at our best, but sometimes ppl are too hard on themselves in the process. i was overcritical last of myself last night when i went out. i didnt like how anything looked on me. i wanted to cringe. then i said 'o well eff it'. lol girls usually are more like this than males but even the guys do it....in secret of course.

 

i strongly advise you to take my advice & be alone for a while. we all have to do some form of soul searching at one pt or another in life. its awesome ur takin aerobics. im mentally driven to start workin out again but im too lazy...thats a big problem!!! youre at least DOING IT! try taking some meditation classes like yoga or thai-chi. or even get a book about it & do it in your own home on your own time. if you have a religion seek tranquility within your faith. an empty church in betwen masses is sOoOoOo relaxing & youre mind can just driffffffffft. the silence & emptiness & flickering of the candles, & just the ora the church can be very emotional & rejuvenating. let him know how you feel & take this time away from him & all negativities in your life right now.

 

goodluck,

-DG724

[kate111]

You're the best Dragongirl.

 

When I first started reading your posts you seemed unconfident and were in pain. But look at you now! Full of energy, happy and confident but with the added depth of kindness and empathy.

 

You go girl!

[DragonGirl724]

aww thanks kate!

 

i was in a rut for a little bit but i got out of it. im back to the old me again...well, me but a lot smarter & more experienced.

 

how are things going with this situation?

 

take care of yourself,

-DG724

[master philanderer]

realistically, you have to be yourself. If you are comfortable with how you look then don't change a thing. I am a black man, and this may sound a bit racist, but white men don't usually appreciate women who are built like you say you are. Black men however, are totally into women with big hips, thick thighs and so on. Decisions..decisions....

[kate111]

Master Philanderer,

 

Aaaaaw thanks. Its nice to be appreciated.

 

Your kind words mean alot.

 

Kate

[Luciana]

Kate: I too am a pear, with hips and thick thighs. I am not fat but I will never lose enough weight to have a small "backyard" or a boy's figure. I am white of latin origin, and us latin women are more built like black women.

 

My fiance is the typical american guy who likes them very skinny, no hps and big bbs. I am curvy and I see him checking out the skinny women often, which makes me feel somewhat insecure about my looks. But the black guys seem to appreciate me more! ALso porn unfortunately doesn't help, since the women there are so skinny and hipless.

 

Ah well, he also does not have a washboard ab...

[miss_dyme]

I bet u look fatastic.

 

Im one of them skinny types..unfortunately

If i could have one wish it would be to have a much much curvier figure believe me..

When i fell with my children i thanked the heavens above..lol.. finally i could gain some weight,but it all dropped off..

Those 9 months i never so WOMANLY in my life

 

Dont change for anybody .only if u think it would make u feel better personally.

 

ONCE AGAIN...UR SOOOOO DAMN LUCKY, ANY GIRL THAT CAN EFFORTLESLY PUT ON A POUND IN FACT. ..IM MAD JEALOUS..LOL

 

Good luck x

[kate111]

Thanks.

 

Id be happy if I was curvy all over, then I would be inproportion but being skinny up top and curvy below the belt is kinda the worst of both worlds.

 

I am currently weight training to try to bulk up my top half and make a curvy all over figure.

 

Thank god for J-lo and Beyonce for bringing the pear shape into the spotlight!