Finances and the ex.....ugh

[James2014]

Unsure if I'm looking for advice or just venting.

 

I separated from my ex a few months ago and have had no-contact since asides from tidying up a few bills!

 

Much of the last few months were marked by her giving me trouble for buying low end steaks and wine instead of $50 bottles of liquor - being cheap if you will. She has a ton of kids, we were very expensive and I sunk quite literally every penny I made into the household.

 

Prior to us separating she was paying me for a vehicle I'd purchased for us that was going to be hers. As we were going to part I told her not to bother with the last $500 of it and I would just transfer it to her which was done.

In July she asked me to help with a Hydro Bill, and fridge repairs (the drinking water filter which our landlord was fine with just leaving alone as it was a huge cost for internal repairs) my half wouldve been about $180, I responded with saying that I'd just paid the bridge toll bill for taking her daughter into dance class to the tune of $230 and we should leave it at that.

 

She didn't bother to insure the van until recently so I've paid her last 2 months of vehicle insurance

 

She asked for $140 for my share of the old phone bill and I responded with "it's probably best if you eat that and I eat the $250 for your summer of vehicle insurance" She didn't initiate any sort of conversation around that money I was going out of pocket for.

 

Response was this (with names left out)

 

"I knew you would say that, you're predictable...Ill eat it. Suffice to say, I am pleased to discover on reflection that the last 4 years has cumulated to nickels and dimes, nothing more, nothing less, your responses are a constant reminder of this fact. I will still get the phones switched in Oct, and when we do move, I will not be in touch with you regarding helping out as I am sure we both know what that would look like..."no, I don't think I will, Id rather not, I paid more for groceries in January of 2013 and Id like to recover my costs" there is no texture and depth to a roommate relationship, if you want more in the future in a relationship, treat your relationship like more than nickels and dimes...and be a man. I'm guessing you missed the part where there was an extra 180$ for hydro anniversary and 350$ lost on an unrepairable fridge that you broke, but of course you did go out of pocket for the insurance....and there is that Treo bill from when you were trying to act like a step father, you defs want to recover your cost on that, now that that's not going to come to fruition. Thank you for giving me another month to get rid of the cell phones."

 

Is this reasonable?

 

An internal piece in the fridge went out when I had taken off the front guard to look at the water dispenser, repairman said the faultiness had nothing to do with the front part and was more internal and very expensive. Forking out $350 to try to fix the filtered water was her choice to do so and not necessary.

 

Were we still in a relationship all of things would simply be halved in terms of our contributions to them. I feel now that she is picking and choosing what is valid contribution and what is not. For instance the bridge toll bill vs the phone bill - I feel like I'm doing the right or at least nice thing by just eating that and not haggling over a $90 difference regarding the expenses we paid for over the summer. Same for the bills she asked about in July, I opted to pay the "bigger" one if you will and not bother asking for any sort of difference back, but maintained I wasn't going to give any more.

 

My first thought is to just not respond and let the argument (?) go, but am I missing some sort of point here responsibility-wise?

 

Thanks

[mhowe]

Do not respond. You were an ATM machine and she is the one nickel and diming you. It's called projection. She somehow manages to forget which bills you are covering and not asking her for.

 

You should block her now.

[journeynow]

Do not respond. And don't expect your ex to be 100% reasonable during a split…emotions run high and skew perceptions. It's very easy to forget some things, obsess about others, and misinterpret.

[mhowe]

BTW, why in gods' good green acre would you help her move? Is she high?

[James2014]

She means in terms of house repairs, carpet replacement form the cats etc, I said I'd help her with costs when they eventually move out as I was there for 3 years.

[James2014]

She's not high, but historically is very difficult and demanding in my eyes!

[DoF]

She's not high, but historically is very difficult and demanding in my eyes!

 

Not at all, she is using you as much as YOU allow her to use you.

 

The problem is YOU.

 

You are enabling her behavior. Without you, well I'm sure there would be another guy doing the same stupid shhhhhheeeeeet somewhere out there.

 

DO NOT ENABLE

[James2014]

Not at all, she is using you as much as YOU allow her to use you.

 

The problem is YOU.

 

You are enabling her behavior. Without you, well I'm sure there would be another guy doing the same stupid shhhhhheeeeeet somewhere out there.

 

DO NOT ENABLE

 

I think that's fair to some extent, I know I enabled scenarios like this in our relationship and acquiesced when setting boundaries became too much of a pain in the butt. Thanks for your bluntness!

[can1328]

I was also an enabler. When my ex moved out of our home she asked me for money for an entertainment center she purchased on her credit card. I gave it to her. I never mentioned the 2 years she had been living there not paying for the mortgage since she was in school. But that 300 dollars for the entertainment center was on her radar. I kept giving, and paying, and giving until she was all finished. People that do that will manipulate you into believing you're the problem. That text that your ex wrote to you sounds identical to the ones I get. Block and do not respond. That's the only answer to this. She will never say "I never saw it that way, you're right! I'm sorry!" So what's the point in arguing?

[James2014]

I was also an enabler. When my ex moved out of our home she asked me for money for an entertainment center she purchased on her credit card. I gave it to her. I never mentioned the 2 years she had been living there not paying for the mortgage since she was in school. But that 300 dollars for the entertainment center was on her radar. I kept giving, and paying, and giving until she was all finished. People that do that will manipulate you into believing you're the problem. That text that your ex wrote to you sounds identical to the ones I get. Block and do not respond. That's the only answer to this. She will never say "I never saw it that way, you're right! I'm sorry!" So what's the point in arguing?

 

Wow! Yes your situation sounds very similar to my last few years. I can't actually recall a moment where she ever said to me "I never thought of it like that" or something similar. There was a continual flow of what I did wrong though. Hence this situation, the bills I paid are somehow irrelevant and demands are ever present!

[HeartGoesOn]

It looks like she enjoys playing the "victim" role. At any rate, as long as you know you've dealt with this fairly, you're better off going NC, and moving forward.

 

BTW, How did she register her vehicle without purchasing insurance beforehand?

[James2014]

It looks like she enjoys playing the "victim" role. At any rate, as long as you know you've dealt with this fairly, you're better off going NC, and moving forward.

 

BTW, How did she register her vehicle without purchasing insurance beforehand?

 

She was supposed to transfer it at the end of June - I'd signed the papers for her to do so, all she had to do was walk into the insurance office and complete the transfer. She drove the van July/Aug under my insurance and finally transferred it recently. She had to pay her first month upfront, in the meantime I paid for July/Aug insurance on the vehicle (was surprised when the Aug payment came out of my account and contacted her about it)

[HeartGoesOn]

^

Thank you for clarifying.

[DoF]

You are a nice guy, and rather than get used and abused, what you need to do is use your niceness as a "people sheeeeet filter".

 

When someone uses your niceness against you, you confront them, if they apologize and you feel they deserve a 2nd chance, give it to them. But if they do it again, you simply completely separate yourself from them for good.

 

This will work wonders not just for love life/dating but friends/family etc.

 

IMO, there is nothing worst than a person that uses my niceness against me. Ohh hell no.

 

I know there are books out there on this subject and they all tell you to "stop being a nice guy". No,l I won't, it's who I am, and there is no way in hell I will change myself "because of our crappyy society". What I will though is use my niceness as a human filter.

 

Worked wonders for me so far!

 

As for finances, completely separate and make sure both parties chip in 50/50 until relationship is serious and 1-2 years in. Then you can adjust and do combination. But whenever the balance is over to either side, WATCH OUT, they are most likely using you.

 

Keep your money to yourself, or others will gladly take it FROM you.

[James2014]

Wow! Simple but that totally makes sense actually! I've done a lot of introspection since this relationship as to where I can improve and boundaries has definitely been the main one as I've let myself be walked on at times. All I have left after a breakup is myself to pick apart so I've been doing just that!

 

I have seen a lot of the literature on that sort of thing, stop being nice, keep your pimp hand strong, give women one act of affection for their every three or some such thing. I can't deny that it likely works well on a portion of the population, but it feels like an unnatural game to me and I'm better off to define myself better, maintain healthy boundaries, listen to red flags and simply be better at assessing potential partners - your niceness reaction assessment sounds like it would fit brilliantly within that.

 

Many thanks!

[DoF]

Yep, just pay close attention to your partner and make sure EVERYTHING is balanced. For everything you do, they should do about the same, if they don't....watch it.

 

That goes for EVERYTHING. Communication, initiation of sex, initiation to meet....whatever.

 

Other advice is to not get intimate until you REALLY know each other. At least 3-6 months in if not more (but still communicate about frequency to make sure you are sexually compatible, its important).

 

Intimacy simply makes both parties blind and causes us to miss clear red flags. It also puts the relationship into overdrive and make it skip important steps.

 

I'm sure you have seen this with your fellow friends, second they have sex they are like walking zombies. Completely ignorant and stupid to ANYTHING that goes on right in front of their eyes.

 

This advice is exactly the OPPOSITE of what most men/our society believes/does. But I find MOST things are like that, opposite of what people do or believe hehe.

 

 

[James2014]

Well said, I felt that much of our relationship was quite one-sided in terms of all that you mentioned! It was all dynamics I recognized, but justified with "It'll be better after this or that" etc etc

 

It is important to ride out the infatuation phase and see what you really have in a partner/relationship, that newness/puppy love/sex/whatever can be quite blinding! We moved in after a year of being together after my caving to her and agreeing, I should have maintained better boundaries!

[indea08]

Depending on how long you were together, I see her point. If during the relationship, your responses were "I paid for this so you should pay for that," I would be annoyed if I were her. I don't want to keep score. I want to be on the same team. I'll do what I can, you do what you can, and we'll both try to help each other when needed if possible. I point this out for you to consider in future relationships.

 

After having broken up, it should've been over when it was over and nothing more should've been exchanged.

[indea08]

Yep, just pay close attention to your partner and make sure EVERYTHING is balanced. For everything you do, they should do about the same, if they don't....watch it.

 

That goes for EVERYTHING. Communication, initiation of sex, initiation to meet....whatever.

 

This is ridiculous. There is no scoreboard in a relationship and if you're micromanaging like this, it's only going to cause problems.

[James2014]

Depending on how long you were together, I see her point. If during the relationship, your responses were "I paid for this so you should pay for that," I would be annoyed if I were her. I don't want to keep score. I want to be on the same team. I'll do what I can, you do what you can, and we'll both try to help each other when needed if possible. I point this out for you to consider in future relationships.

 

After having broken up, it should've been over when it was over and nothing more should've been exchanged.

 

We were together about 4 years, the " for tat" approach wasn't really a part of the dynamic though, we generally halved everything or just figured it out. I found that she kept score in the sense that I was unwilling to spend as much on frivolities as her like the examples I gave, I'd buy the $15 bottle of wine, she'd buy the $50 of Crown Royal - this became an issue for her as I wasn't willing to blow money on stuff like that. She has 5 kids, so our expenses were massive, hence I wasn't into making that a consistent purchase. When you say to consider "I'll do what I can, you do what you can" unless I'm missing something, I feel like I have with not haggling over money owed on a vehicle and not demanding any $ from her for remaining bills like the tol bill and not asking for anything towards her vehicle insurance post-relationship and just paying it out. What's your thoughts?

[James2014]

This is ridiculous. There is no scoreboard in a relationship and if you're micromanaging like this, it's only going to cause problems.

 

I don't think the poster meant this as a "You initiated 4 times so I match it" kind of thing but more as a generalization regarding effort in the different areas of a relationship. Like if one always wants to communicate and the other stonewalls 90% of the time then the balance is off and eventually quite unworkable.

[indea08]

I think post relationship, you should say "I've done what I can, I need to move on, have a nice life." Nothing more needs to be said/haggled again.

 

It's DURING the relationship when each partner should do what they can, when they can.

[indea08]

I don't think the poster meant this as a "You initiated 4 times so I match it" kind of thing but more as a generalization regarding effort in the different areas of a relationship. Like if one always wants to communicate and the other stonewalls 90% of the time then the balance is off and eventually quite unworkable.

 

Yes I agree, if it's a big enough difference that you feel neglected or unappreciated, it's a problem. But literally monitoring every aspect to ensure equality would be ridiculous and exhausting. As the saying goes, "ain't not body got time for that."

[James2014]

I think post relationship, you should say "I've done what I can, I need to move on, have a nice life." Nothing more needs to be said/haggled again.

 

It's DURING the relationship when each partner should do what they can, when they can.

 

Ah gotcha! Yes you're completely correct in saying so, both sides should work to give what they can! I don't think there will be further haggles at this point, pretty much anything left over has been discussed or at least tabled.

[indea08]

Ah gotcha! Yes you're completely correct in saying so, both sides should work to give what they can! I don't think there will be further haggles at this point, pretty much anything left over has been discussed or at least tabled.

 

Then your duties are fulfilled and you're a free bird