Love for another woman, and I am married....hurt, confused.

[Geobronc]

I cant leave a friendship, and I know its wrong to have these feelings.

 

Story:

 

I met a lady who is 11 years younger then me through a mutual friend.

We all went out one night after a birthday party. A few days later this lady called me, since then we have been good friends. I am married with 2 kids, had a rocky marriage, trying to make it work, seeing a councelor,etc. My lady friend is divorced with three kids. Her kids are terrific, I really love them all...care what happens to them all. I am hoping and trying to help my lady friend find a guy who will want to be involved with her kids and love them also.

So by mistake or fate or whatever, I have fallen in love with her and her kids. I am acting as only her friend, and we have never done anything but a quick one arm good-bye hug. However my heart hurts everytime I see her.

My own wife is very different then me personality wise. And my lady friend is a lot like me and I can talk about anything to her. She likes the same things I do, etc.

 

I know I need to stay with my wife for her sake and out kids. Its killing me inside sometimes knowing that their is someone more suitable for me and I would be happier with. I also knows that this friend has some feelings for me and her kids love me (its easy to tell from her and their mannerisms, and the kids literally are starving for a father figure and I am a dad already, so its easy to be one towards them in a sense of playing with them.

 

I dont want to end our friendship. I want to see her find a good man and for my marriage to work, if it ever will.... I am taking it one day at a time.

 

Its a tough situation. If I was not married she would certainly want me to be with her as a boyfriend and who knows...more.

[annie24]

Well, you took some vows when you got married, "for better or for worse," and this is the test. Cut off all contact with your lady friend. Right now! Better not to have this temptation around. You've heard the expression, "The grass is always greener on the other side..." It could be that way with you and her. But, since you can't have her, you want her all the more.

 

Focus on your marriage with your wife. Read some books, go to marriage counseling. Remember why it is you fell for your wife in the first place. It seems normal that after several years of marriage, things wouldn't be as exciting anymore. But, you owe it to your wife and kids to work things out.

 

Good luck!

[Geobronc]

Thanks. Good advice. I want to work on finding out what attraction I had to my wife and rebuild that.

After our first year of marriage (10+ now), we found out how different we really are and we still see that. We are SO different (likes, dislikes, personalities).

 

Yeah the grass does look greener on the other side, but it would not be right, and very complicated. Divorce is messy.

 

Is there anything wrong with staying a friend and nothing more?

I know I could step back a few paces and the feelings of love would be more about friends, no matter that we are a man and a woman.

 

Thought?

[annie24]

Too tempting. Don't even try to be her friend. Slippery slope.

[Geobronc]

OK...I will try.

[Mun]

Hey there,

I think that if you are really serious about working things out with your wife you should start to put distance between yourself and your friend. The intimacy you share with your friend, try and transfer that back to your wife. You need to start re-building that intimacy again.

 

Maybe I'm an idealist ( I am ) but I believe that your spouse is supposed to be your best friend...your co-conspirator...and you should have fun together. If you have a good therapist then he/she will address this sort of thing in your relationship. Flirt with your wife, play around with her...make her laugh. All the things you might be doing with your friend .

 

Good luck and I hope you can re-connect with your wife again.

[11flower]

I love the advice that annie and Muneca gave.

 

See, the only real way you can began to refocus on your marriage, that is if you don't want to lose it, is to put distance between you and your ladyfriend, of course. You obviously agree with this. It's like rekindling a pleasant but destructive fire. Look at the results down the road.

 

I was told by someone once the same advice you were given. Take what attracts you to your ladyfriend, what you want to do with your friend, and work on the very same thing with your wife. Find out why your wife and you have distanced yourselves one from the other.

 

What if you ended up divorcing your wife, marrying this lady, and the girl and you find down the road that you have terrific problems, though maybe different from those you have with now?

 

Problems don't go away. You've heard the adage, "Wherever you go, there you are."

 

Not to mention that after 10 yrs., things do change. People's likes and dislikes change. What you like in women may have changed; visa versa with your wife.

 

I hope you can be honest and open with your wife about what you feel and what you want with her. Leaving and joining the ladyfriend may not help as much as it may appear to you right now. If you are willing, miracles do happen. The impossible can happen. I know this is true and believe it is true. But the miracle would not be something that destroys several people including yourself.

 

11Flower

[Lungomare]

I think this case is not as easy as most of those cheating on a b/f and you can not simply say try harder with the marriage and stop seing that friend!

 

One can see this bloke has reall deep feelings and actually IS TRYING for 10+ years!

 

Now I my self am in a relationship with a girl I really do love, but as this pal, we are so different the love often vanishes.

 

We seem very far from each other in our natural state of mind. OK, it's not about me.

 

Anyway, I think a divorce is OK after the kids reach a certain age and maturity ... How does your wife feels about your big differences?

Can you talk about your marriage with this friend of your?

[11flower]

No one ever said this is easy. It's a rock and hard place for the guy. No one has heard from him since. But since he is married, doesn't he owe this to his wife to be honest?

 

I thought I'd fallen for someone during a rock part in my marriage. I had no intention of ever actually exploring this relationship in actuality, but feelings at one time were rampant. I had to be honest with my husband, because my husband is my friend. I had at least committed to be his friend by marrying him. So, I explained the truth to him in hopes that something might change.

 

Since the last few months, I have changed, my husband has a little, and our relationship has improved, but not perfectly.

 

This gentleman would do well to be honest about his feelings in one way or another in a gentle manner with his wife.

 

People don't have to blast people to destroy them. They should say things like "I believe there's been trouble in our marriage and I want to talk about it."

 

Every person deserves honesty with respect, whether or not they stay together. You never know but what there's so much more to the picture and just even the tip of the iceberg with his wife. She may have been thinking the same thing all along and want to change the status of the relationship.

But he won't know till he tries to find out all what's going on with him, her, them together.

 

Just my thoughts,

 

11flower

[Lungomare]

All true what you say. All I can conclude form this guys writing is,

that it must be painfull ending up in a marriaga with a person you

don't feel related to enough.

[annie24]

well, sure, if they're really really unhappy, a divorce is an option. However, if he wants to try to save the marriage, talking to his ladyfriend will not help. This case is so much simpler than the "cheating bf" example. He's married and should try to work things out with his wife first and foremost.

[Abacab]

I concur with lungomare..

 

After ten years and counselling, if things aren't working, well, they never will. The most prevalent phallacy is that people can change for the better (read: accepting partners wishes voluntarily or involuntarily) for the sake of a marriage which lasted that long.

 

It just doesn't happen!

 

But kids are very important and if you and your wife can still provide a sense of security and well-being at home, I would refrain from doing anything drastic.

 

However, if you two are bickering constantly at home; then there's no way you both will be doing any good to your kid.

 

Whatever decision you reach; keep in mind of the above (and of course all points raised by other posters) and make a final decision, to which you'll stick by all means.

 

In the meantime, the other woman is a no-go! Only if you reach the unfortunate decision to leave your wife should you be in the position to consider her.

 

Hope everything turns out for the better.

[mt_joy]

If you truly want to save your family, you would end this friendship. I can only think that you want toremain friends because you really don't want her out of your life. Stop comparing her to your wife. You don't know her faults or quirks as intimately as you know your wife's. Keep workign on your marriage. You being in lvoe with someone else is going to keep you from really, truly loving your wife the way she deserves. If you are still seeing that woman (not neccessarily dating her), then you are not trying to save your marriage. You are allowing another woman to take up your thoughts instead of your qwife. Maybe you are the reason your marriage isn't working out.