Why do I hold on when I know there's no future?

[captcha45]

After reflecting on how my past relationships ended, I have found that every time I start feeling like there's something wrong with my relationship (compatibility issues, not being happy with the way I'm treated, or even secretly thinking that the guy is a little stupid and I deserve something better) I try to rationalise myself into thinking that "this is just me" and that things will get better with time. When the feelings come back I feel really relieved for a while but then get very frustrated because deep down I am still not happy. If I think the guy is not treating me with enough respect I start being bitter, resenting him a lot, sometimes even hating him- while still not dumping him because a part of me still holds on.

I then end up being very heartbroken when the guy dumps me faster even though I KNEW it wasn't going to work out. First I'm miserable. Cry every day. Can't sleep or eat. Then comes a very long angry phase

 

I have read so many posts on here, that when the dumper seems to move on over night it is usually because the dumpee didn't see it coming. I have always sensed that there was something wrong. Sometimes even considered breaking up with them down the road. However after the break up I still felt like I just left a battlefield. Every. single. time. Felt drained of all my energy, sad, angry ect. Usually I don't feel like having a relationship after that, and if I do it ends up being a disaster because I'm just looking for "somebody" and I ignore all kinds of red flags.

 

How come I still need so long to let go? Once most people have gotten to the point of "this isn't the right guy for me" they just disconnect and move on pretty quick to the next guy.

Any advice on how to do the same? (just the disconenecting part I love single life haha)

[mhowe]

You don't love single life or you wouldn't be jumping into the next relationship and ignoring the red flags.

You validate yourself by being in a relationship, and will stay in it until the guys beak it off --- that is how much you hate being single.

 

Self honesty is the first step in fixing the problem.

[johnnib24]

Moving on quick is not the best way to go about it because it shows shallowness and that you really didnt care about them at all enough to spare there feelings. People who do that rebound quick to fill a void and get over a ex pretty quickly instead of taking the time to reflect of why the relationship failed in the first place. It also means that they had someone waiting in the background till the dumper called it quits and then got with the new person. Thats a huge red flag and you should watch out for those type of people "serial daters". But how to let go is that you have to remember to love yourself and find youre happiness cause if you dont love yourself how can someone else love you? Do things you want to do and that makes you happy and the right person will come along and accepts you for who you are not what they want you to be.

[ajhurst210]

Sounds to me like you're just committed to making something work even when you know it's not going to without either you changing or the other person changing.

 

You probably rationalize it as staying with them is better than being alone again, maybe you think you won't find better, or will be alone a long time. You're scared of letting go of something and scared of losing that attachment.

 

That's normal. But also unhealthy because you ignore all the things you promised yourself you wouldn't become or put up with in a relationship again just for the sake of keeping something you really aren't even that happy in.

 

It's hard, almost impossible, for some people to be as brute-fully honest with themselves and a relationship and know when to recognize something won't work and be able to bow out gracefully before they invest too much of themselves in it. Usually early on you are so engulfed in the flames of the new and excited relationship that you purposefully ignore all the things you can clearly see are wrong or will be wrong with it.

 

And by the time the flames die down, you're already too burnt and covered in ash to just wipe yourself clean and walk away unhurt. Already too committed to just run away. And will stay like that until the person leaves you.

 

The best advice I can give, is learn to be honest with yourself as early as possible and walk away when you realize things will never work. Give yourself a little wiggle room and don't run at the first sign of trouble because any relationship takes work and compromise. But learn to find the balancing point and make the decision and stick to it before it's too late.

[ghostgirl116]

well, i sure know what you're saying! usually when a break up is coming i know it's coming because the guy has started to set my teeth on edge. and then for days or weeks even i hang on, but i know it isn't right for me. then BAM! he goes and breaks it off with me, and although i knew it had to happen, i'm let stewing. simmering. and i have to have a talk with myself and say, "hey, this is what you wanted to, so maybe it's your pride that is hurt". but it still takes me a while to get over the guy. and frankly, i have found that trying to date someone else when i'm not fully over the guy only makes me feel way worse.

 

i had someone dump me (i started a thread on here today) and i honestly didn't see it coming. even with the red flags, i thought i had the best boyfriend ever. he never set my teeth on edge and i was a pretty happy gal. man, was i wrong. he didn't even break up with me properly. just dumped me and left me hanging. but i digress with my tale.

 

of course, my wonderful well-meaning friends tried to hook my up with available men, and that just drove me crazy. i need to heal from the one before i can get on with another, and frankly i don't want to be with someone just to be with someone.

 

seems like our time lines for the break ups are similar. i don't have a good answer. if you look at my thread, you will see that i clearly had questionable judgment and am having a very hard time getting over this guy. but, know at least there are people out here who know exactly what you're saying!

 

((((HUGS)))