I'm a horrible person

[Ammy7758]

Hi. I really need advice I feel terrible ... I have been with my husband since I was at school since we were 15. We married when we were 20 I am 26 now. I had his baby last year and my job is underwear modelling, I have always had a lot of attention from men but it has meant nothing as I have a husband. However there is this one guy I hardly know him but we got talking by phone and by text started innocent and became very naughty ... I haven't met him it's all by phone... We know about each other from our area .. I don't know why I like this guy he is rude to me, not attractive , his well known in my area for always go out in town getting drunk, his 34 and still lives at home , he lost his job for fighting and lost his driving licence for drinking. His everything I would hate . My husband is hard working , he is a good dad and he always takes my worries away. I think it's because I have never been with another man . I stopped speaking to this other man as it was going too far and now I can't stop thinking about him I check his Facebook daily and I am so tempted to text him ! His not my type so I don't know why ... I think I settled down too soon but I don't know if the grass is greener and once I make that choice there is no going back!

[BrookeHx]

I have been in your situation. My first relationship started straight from school. He was a lovely guy, husband material. After four years I started to be tempted by other people. Not necessarily the right people or guys I would see myself having a future with, just different. I broke up with my ex as I realised I couldn't commit to a life with him if I didn't know what my other options were.

 

I'd never experienced being with another man or even being alone. I didn't know what I wanted. If you'll always be wondering what else is out there or you want more life experience it's not fair on your husband to keep him there as he's a safe option. I've seen it through friends who's marriages break down nastily and bitterly because they went from falling out of love to hating each other as they never walked away at the right time.

 

How would you feel if your husband was having these thoughts/feelings? What would you prefer him to do?

[chickadeedee]

You are a little bored with the domestic routine and are playing with fire to stimulate yourself. I would take this as a sign that you need to try to find some hobbies that are interesting to you that are not destructive to your marriage.

 

And try to re-kindle things with your husband. Get a sitter at least once a week and go out somewhere together and just have fun.

 

Join some mother's group so that you have (safe) people to talk to and share with rather than some sleazeball guy on the internet.

 

And don't strike up these nebulous 'friendships' with other men. As a married woman, you shouldn't be emotionally 'dating' other men as if you were single and free to engage in these kinds of interactions with men. If you love your husband and want to make your marriage work, you can't continue pursuing emotional affairs with other men. Try to get a good circle of women friends to have fun with and talk to, and avoid befriending men, especially if they are not part of your social circle where your husband is also friends with the person. You're compartmentalizing you life by having a 'secret' man you view as yours alone, a secret pleasure, and that is the beginning of the end for many marriages when you go underground and start developing connections that are hidden and that will eventually wreck your marriage when the truth comes out, whether you slept with the guy or not. Emotional cheating is as destructive to marriages as physical cheating is, perhaps more so because your feelings are shifting from your husband to someone else and eventually you won't like/want your husband anymore if you get in too deep with someone else.

[Ammy7758]

Hi. Thanks I do appreciate any advice . I just don't know what it's like to be without my husband and I don't want to try and be witnout him and then regret it for the rest of my life , the old say the grass is greener ... I do have a lot of friends and my husband and I go out together as well.. I do have a very active life ...I honestly don't want to leave my husband and then end up regretting it , he is a good man and loves me but like you said is it right if I'm constantly wondering what other men are like? I've only ever slept with my husband I know nothing but him

[BrookeHx]

In the nicest way possible you can't have your cake and eat it. I think you know that already.

 

I would never condone cheating so my personal opinion is that if your feeling like this now, how are you going to feel after another 6 years? Your feelings are likely to run your marriage into the ground if you don't deal with them sooner rather than later.

 

I am still friends with my first love but I am confident in my decision. I have learnt more about myself in the last 18months than I ever have and it was the best thing I could have done for myself.

 

My only regret is that I stayed with him longer than I should have.

[Mysteryman2015]

Hi,

you're not a horrible person first off. Dont beat up on yourself, you're just human like the rest of us. I'm going through something similar myself currently and the folks on this site have provided some of the best advice I have ever had. your replys are no different, there are some very practical advice for you here, please take it into consideration. All I can really add is that the grass is definitely NOT greener on the other side, I have seen this first hand from so many people. Communication is the key, maybe start texting ur hubby instead, give him a surprise Good Luck

[chickadeedee]

>> I'm constantly wondering what other men are like?

 

This is like buying a very nice new car, but then you have buyer's remorse and wonder if you should have bought Branch X, Y, or Z instead...

 

The reality is if you've got a good man and a good marriage, you need to stop shopping and just appreciate what you've got. In your head you can envision a perfect scenario where you meet and wine and dine a bunch of perfect men until you find one who is 'better' then your husband. But the reality is that some of these new guys would be total liars, losers, cheaters, abusers, who knows what. So in your head you are comparing your 'good' and familiar old husband against all these potential FANTASIES about other men and how wonderful they'd be.

 

Trust me, most people who are dating just wish they could find a good man who'd want to marry them and have a family. And they are kissing a whole lot of toads trying to get there. So if this is just a bad case of 'what if's' rather than you and your husband not getting along, i'd just knock it off and recognize you are doing a disservice to yourself and your husband by having perfect fantasy relationships in your head that you THINK will be better than what you've got, when most likely the overwhelming majority of men you'd date would turn out to be less good than your husband and/or toads who do you a lot of damage and fill your life with remorse for leaving a good man to chase a fantasy that doesn't exist.

[lostandhurt]

Is the grass greener? No it is not!!!

 

Grass needs to be cared for, nurtured and fed to be green and lush. Basically you make it what it is. Have you made your life the best it could be?

 

You think you are missing something and it sounds like sexually. Do you really think letting some loser have sex with you will make you more happy and content?

 

You have already cheated on your husband emotionally, don't betray him farther. He is a good man and should be treated as such which means honesty and respect.

 

You have a few options as I see it.

 

Go see a therapist and explore where these doubts are coming from.

Talk to your husband and ask for an "open marriage"

Refocus the energy you were directing to the loser of the century back onto your marriage and husband.

 

Cheating ruins lives

Divorce sucks giant monkey butt

The grass is not greener

Being a single mom with a young child cuts into your dating life big time

When your marriage ends so does the security it brings

When it is all over and your husband meets someone new and builds a life with her will you think her grass is greener than yours?

 

These are all facts and questions you need to process. It sounds like you have a very good thing going, why you want to ruin that is beyond me. Are you a horrible person? Cheating doesn't make you all that great right now but the fact that you are here asking for help means you have gotten yourself into a bad spot and want help getting out. That is a very good thing and shows you are good deep down.

 

Lost

[BentGattling]

Most people don't know who they are at age 26 let alone 20 let alone 15. If your evolution is important to you then to end this relationship may be necessary.

[dave_1966]

Really? And possibly have her kid hate her and end up regretting it for the rest of her life?

[BentGattling]

They may grow up hating her anyway if the relationship becomes toxic or is not based in authenticity. Divorce doesn't have to be the boogey man for kids it used to be.

[lostandhurt]

Divorce should be the last option not the first. We bring children into this world to give them the best of us, not the selfish parts.

 

All marriages and relationships have their ups and downs and yes even doubts. Bailing on your commitments and vows because you are wondering what it would be like to have sex with someone else is pretty short sighted and selfish.

 

Do right by your marriage and the vows you took. If you cannot come to terms then end your marriage with honesty and open communication, not sneaking around betraying the trust he has in you.

 

Lost