I hate being touched.

[donttouchme]

Hi, When I was younger, I was abused sexually. The problem is, it is effecting my life now. I am having problems in my relationship. I trust him... But I don't at the same time. I don't really know how to. I love him and I want to be able to have a healthy sexual relationship with him, but I am scared of sex. It seems to be something that is done to me, that I have little control over, rather than something I do, or as an expression of love. I feel alone most of the time, depressed, I have panic attacks at times, I self injure a lot. I just want to feel normal.

 

I was about 3 the first time. I was at a daycare at the church. I was to young to remember much. There is a doctor report that I read. It never went to trial, because back then a child had to be put on the stand. I wasn't even 3. They felt it would do more harm then good.

 

The next time, I had just turned 12. It was a principal at my school. Went on for about a year and a half till my parents pulled me out because I kept flipping out. I got pregnant durring that time, had an abortion, and just got pretty much screwed up. I never told my parents. I told my best friend at the time. Her and her sister drove me out of state to a small, abortion clinic. I don't think it was a real clinic. It was in the back of a house. I got a second term surgical abortion. It wasn't the most sterile though, I guess, as I got an infection that caused scar tissue so I can't get pregnant later on if I want. My friend and her sister drove me him. I just laid in the back seat crying. To numb to really remember what happened. At least that part was over. He started taking me to his house. Me and 1 other girl. She killed herself not long ago, I heard. I dunno, sometimes I really want to join her. A lot of stuff happened there. Some videos, pictures, more sexual abuse, and some forsed sex acts with animals. I wanted to die every day when I came home from school. I used to sit in the bathroom washing blood, and other things out of my panties. I would just sit there crying and numb. I couldn't throw them out. My mom would notice, when I needed new ones every other week. I started cutting myself then. The first time I just went crazy. Damn near cut my arm off. Then I landed myself in a mental hospital. That was no help. I was out in a week, and I just had a creepy guy nurse or something watch me while i went to the bathroom and showered because I was a "suicide threat". Everyone knows most cutters aren't suicidal.

 

I don't reallly remember to much of what happened anymore. I blocked a lot out. I mainly see it in my dreams. I guess that is what drug clouded sleep is for. I blocked a lot out at the time though. I would disconnect from my body sort of. I remember sitting there thinking of stupid little songs like itsy bitsy spider and other stuff just to get my mind to leave.

 

I guess it could be worse. I just needed to talk. Gonna go do my ussual thing in a few minutes. Take some pills. Try to sleep. Pray for no tomorrow. Or even just to get through the night with no dreams. I haven't slept in about a week. I only got a while left anyways. How long before I completely lose it? Well your guess is as good as mine. But sanity slowly slips ever further from my grasp. How long till the taste of the gun is no longer a fantisy but a truth?

[nexus532]

sounds like you have had a very tough life. There isn't anything that anyone could say to make you feel better about what has happened to you. The people that hurt will get whats commign to them in due time. As for you and your boyfriend, if you really love him, you need to let lose. Remember that he loves you and would never do anything that will damage your emotions.

[ayekasong]

Wow. You have had an incredible amount of painful experiences in your life, and I'm so sorry that they have happened when you were so young and (at least in the 3 years old case) unable to understand what was happening.

 

I think feeling comfortable with your boyfriend is going to take a lot more than a few words of advice from us here.

 

Have you ever talked to a counselor? There are some really great health professionals out there who would be wonderful resources. They will not judge you. I was very skeptical of them before, but circumstances forced me to go see one. I went to a counselor at my university for a little while because I have always suffered from depression, and I finally drove myself to a point where I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't properly do my job anymore (I was an R.A.) with my condition.

 

With all that has happened to you, it is important to realize that you're not just going to get over it. I'm not trying to cast your feelings aside by saying "just see a shrink" or anything like that, but I think your problems with not wanting to be touched are so deep rooted that a professional would really be a much better help than anything we could say here. If you want to talk about seeing a counselor (questions, fears, anything holding you back), feel free to pm me. I haven't been sexually abused, but I have been at the point where I wanted to die and just prayed I wouldn't wake up in the morning.

 

I can also see how you might be afraid of going to one because you have been betrayed by people in positions of "power" - people who were supposed to help or protect you, not hurt you. If that's the case, take someone you trust or make the counselor aware of your concerns, maybe there is a way they can put you more at ease and keep it confidential at the same time.

 

Good luck and please pm me if you have any questions at all.

[annie24]

I'm so sorry to hear your story - no one should have a childhood like that. Like the previous post, I'm also going to suggest some serious therapy. There are also lots of books on surviving childhood sexual abuse. Reading them may help. Physical intimacy is one of life's great joys - I'm sorry that was messed up for you. If you talk to a therapist, they may be able to help you work through these deep-rooted issues of trust and sex. It will take a long time probably to work through it, but the results will be good.

 

I'm glad that it sounds you have a loving boyfriend. That is great. Remember that there are people here who love you very much and they would never want you to leave their lives.