Confused

[Civic]

My boyfriend of 2 years tried to break up with me last night when he was drunk. He said that its not what he wants but its what he thinks is right. See he is 8 years older than me and I have been finding myself getting very frustrated with him of late. He invited to be part of his family christmas photos and put photos up on his wall at home and then started beginning to push me away. I would try to talk to him about what was going on but he wouldnt tell me. He has 3 children of his own who I love and adore. He is planning a family trip with them to Bali later this year and I was excluded from it. When I asked him about it and why I couldnt go he kept saying that I dont want you to go and then eventually he told me they had a family vote and the kids wanted to be just him and the kids. I understand that now he has been honest with me. Last night however he proceeded to tell me that he loves me very much and because of that he has to let me go and that he wants best for me. I want to be part of his family and maybe one day have a child of out own but he has had a vasectomy and I have a medical condition that may make me infertile. For 2 hours I heard him go on and on about how much he loves me but he is unhappy and that I am the cause for his unhappiness. He has his kids very second week and is often complaining that he doesnt have time for himself. Last night wasnt the first occasion this has happened and eventually i lost my temper and i slapped him accross the face. I dont know what came over me as I dont believe in hitting anyone. It breaks my heart that I did that to him. I love him more than life itself and want nothing more to be with him but this isnt the first time we have had issues like this. We had a time like this last year also during the same time. He works for himself and when he doesnt have the kids he works alot. I understand all of that but he feels that I am stopping him from doing the things he wants to do which is not the case as he never mentions anything. He has also been speaking to another lady and he has said that he was talking to her about me and getting advice. This hurt me because he wasnt talking to me about what was going on. All I knew is that I felt I was getting pushed aside and I didnt understand why. He said to me last night that when you loves someone you let them go and if they come back then theyre yours forever. I do not understand this at all. I feel that if you love someone then you continue to fight for them and do what it takes to keep them. He says a lot of contradictory things that leave me nothing more than confused. I dont want to let go of this relationship but i dont want to hear his drunken banter anymore either but now i fear I may have lost the thing that means the most in my life, him and his kids

[missmarple]

When someone tells you it's over, it's pointless to try and change their mind..because, even if you manage to 'convince' them, the issues that were there in the first place, won't just magically disappear. This guy sounds like he has too much going on in his life. First and foremost, he has 3 kids who, obviously, don't care much about you if they voted to go on holiday without you.

I don't think there's anything for you in this relationship.

[mhowe]

The relationship has expired. He thinks you are holding him back...and you don't mesh with his kids either.

He is interested in someone else....so best to accept and walk away. You can't fight for a relationship when the other person has asked you to leave. And slapping is not the answer. Ever.

[chickadeedee]

People say all kinds of things when they are trying to break up with you. And there is a good chance that lots of what they say is just spin and whitewashing of the truth. They may be trying to soften the blow to be kind and try to hurt your less, or they may be afraid of the drama and your anger if they tell you the real truth.

 

So all that bit about 'if you love someone let them go' really is whitewashing. As is the old favorite 'it's not you it's me.' approach. And the fact that he is saying contradictory things really just lets you know he is hauling out all kinds of excuses hoping he will hit on one you'll buy and then let him off the hook and leave quietly.

 

I think what has happened is he is busy, and wants to focus on his job and kids and not have the responsibility of a relationship. And he's decided you don't mesh well with his kids if his kids are voting you off vacation. So he can't see a future with someone who his kids don't like. And he may well have met a new woman who is interesting to him, that he thinks might fit better into his life or mesh better with his kids.

 

So he is 'letting you go' because he knows this relationship is going to go nowhere. He's already decided you are not the right person who fits in well with his life or with his kids, so he is 'letting you go' which is his way of saying he is dumping you. He's hoping you will not hate him for dumping you and wants to end on the high note that he does care about you as a person, BUT he's already made up his mind it is over and is just casting around trying to find a way to ease you out. He knows you are resistant to that idea, so he just keeps blathering on, one platitude after another hoping one of them will hit home with you and you'll realize he is done and let him off the hook.

 

So if someone 'lets you go' then you should RUN away from them as fast as you can, because you've basically been dumped and in a less honest way because you are not trying to go, but he is trying to get rid of you. So accept that he doesn't want you in his life, and move on. All the other words he tells you are just flailing around trying to find something he hopes will help you leave and get out of his life without too much bitterness and drama.

 

But if you are already smacking him in the face you are so angry at him, it is time to take your dignity and go rather than continuing to hear more blather from him that you know deep down really isn't true and that only makes you angry and abusive (and it is assault if you are hitting him so you don't ever want to go there). That is why you are so angry, because you know he is dumping you, and he is trying to act like that's OK to dump you and you don't agree with him. But unfortunately, it takes 2 to make a relationship, and if he no longer wants it, you need to accept that and let go and move on, no matter what excuse he gives you. The bottom line is any excuse basically translates into 'i don't want to be with you anymore so you need to let go and let me go.' So that is what you have to do.

[catfeeder]

I understand all of that but he feels that I am stopping him from doing the things he wants to do which is not the case as he never mentions anything.

 

Of course he doesn't mention anything because this translates into "...stopping him from doing the things he wants to do, which is date other women."

 

You've been through this with him before, and he hasn't changed his position. I'd stop telling myself that he 'tried' to break up with me and accept instead that he HAS broken up with me.

 

My heart goes out to you. Write more if it helps.