Men and Sex

[lisaria]

Wow! It's been a a while since I've posted here. I've been through so much in the last year and this place was a godsend when I needed the help of all of you. Well...I have another problem and maybe you guys can help me think about this differently.

 

I've pretty much healed from my heartbreaking experience of last year and some of you may remember it. My new problem (if that's what it is) is that I'm dating two guys. Or I was dating two guys...now I'm not sure.

 

I have been seeing two men since Thanksgiving. One is a very passionate and exotic (exciting) person, the other is very serious and exotic in a different way and has a genius iq. They are very different and I really like that. The problem is sex. I was raised southern baptist and live in the bible belt and work with people who think if you're not married (and even if you are) sex is dirty. I love sex. But I decided that this time I was going to do it differently and not have sex with them until I knew they were going to stick around. I have a history that (before my ex) I would have sex, get involved and they would leave. I wanted something that will last!!!! I figured maybe that way they would get to know me and fall in love and stay.

 

The problem is that I'm about to lose them both because I won't have sex with them. I want to and I did, but only once a while back. I had a little too much wine and things got out of hand....and then nothing since but a little kissing and light petting. But they want it and I don't know if they are going to stick around. One says he "doesn't know" and the other says "all men cheat" which I take to mean him too. The problem is that I want to and is it ok to have sex with two different guys? Not at the same time but at the same time, if you know what I mean....Does that make me easy? (I can't say the word I want to). These guys are both 38, a few years younger than me and I do enjoy being with them, but they are pulling away from me. I sometimes feel like all men want from me is the sex which would be ok if they just stayed. Both of them know I want a long term relationship, but I just don't know about them.

 

Guys, do you stop being interested in women when they don't have sex with you? How long does it take? What is a good time length for waiting and if you've done it once does that make you want to do it again?

 

I'm just not sure what the sexual etiquette is now. And why do guys not stay, why do they always think there is something better down the road? I know this is more than one question, but can someone make some sense out of this and tell me what is going on? I want sex and sex with two is something I've never done before, and does that make me an awful person? Should I do it and if I do how do I get rid of the guilt?

Help! I hope you aren't as confused as I am right this minute and can help me sort this out.

[tiger_lilies]

You will enjoy yourself for a short while but then you'll find that as soon as you start having true feelings for one of them, then the sex with the other one will get stale, fast!

 

Do you know which one you like better?

 

I understand your position as I am in a similar one myself. I felt the guilt...tried to wave it off as it was understood that this was just sex and not a relationship, so there was mutual understanding. However, like I said, the sex gets stale.

[Kbelles]

i completely understand you to a certain extent. i myself, battled with this same question. i had ALWAYS thought it was wrong to sleep with more than one man at a time (not more than one, but you know what i mean). but if they are both pretty much saying that they are not into anything long term then they are being upfront about their expectations (or lack of). to look into the future with hopes of something long term with either of these men would be setting yourself up for a let down.

 

if you really kinda like both of them for the companionship/affection/conversation they provide then go with that. take it one day at a time and just enjoy their company. maybe in the midst of this, the long term relationship you are looking for just might find YOU and you might be surprised that it may not be from one of these guys. you are not exclusive with either one of these guys so you should have no guilt. just make sure to keep your timetables and know their whereabouts so neither one of them will have to know about the other.as for why guys never stay, i couldnt tell you if it was right in front of me .

 

but look at it this way, in the meantime you might just gain a couple friends a few steamy nights .

[Ceema-k]

Well I am a man in a similar situation right now. I've been dating a girl for close to 4 months now and we haven't had sex yet. We are obviously a couple, but she has been avoiding 'getting serious'.. using bf/gf labels and yes, shying away from sex. Part of this has to do with her fears of losing her freedom, having had previous controlling boyfriends in the past. Her other motivations are still a mystery to me. anyway...

 

Since I am fond of her and see her as long-time gf material, I have been patient. But I'm a still a man and I have limits to how long I can wait to take the relationship further. Sex factors into that equation.

 

I reckon both of your guys will reach their personal waiting limits very soon. Having sex with them just to keep them around longer isn't a good idea. Personally, I would "date" more than one girl at one time, but interactions would stop at kissing. I would start having sex with the girl I settle on to have a more stable relationship with. But that's just me.

[ShySoul]

Don't worry about what the proper etiquette is or what they will think of you. Always stay true to you and do what you know is best for you. If you want to wait until you are certain the relationship will be long-term, then wait. If they don't understand that, then it's their lost. You should never feel like you need to sleep with someone or you will lose them. Anyone is is worth it and who truly cares about you will respect your wishes. I would especially be careful about the one who says "all guys cheat." That's not true. There are guys who will respect your wishes and wait until you are ready. It sounds like he is pressuring you into something you are not ready to do.

 

You need to think about how you feel about these guys. Sex in the proper setting is a wonderful thing. But if you are doing it because you don't want to lose someone, then you are not doing it for the right reasons. You'll only end up regretting it later. Personally, I would be more attracted to someone who is willing to wait. Not only does it match with my personal believes but it shows that the woman knows what she wants and is willing to stand up for herself. A true gentleman waits until the woman is ready and doesn't pressure her. If you did do it, it wouldn't make you a bad person. But if you think you would feel guilty after, then don't do it. Follow your heart, it knows what is best for you.

[lisaria]

Thanks guys for your replies. I really appreciate it. I've been reading some of the other posts and topics up here and it's amazing how much we all think and talk about sex. God knows I certainly think about it ALOT!

 

I've decided to go for it. I'm talking with one or two others online and we may eventually meet and who knows where that will go. But right now I'm tired of fulfilling my own physical needs and I want sex! I like these guys, I enjoy the time I'm with them, it might not last, but I will at least get a few steamy nights in (thanks kbelle). They know I'm dating others, so we're all pretty honest and open. I feel right now like there will be no guilt and if there is....I'll worry about that then. This is stupid. Why should I deny myself the pleasure they can provide? It doesn't make me a bad person if I enjoy my body (and theirs)! I would like for things to last but they may not and I'll get past that too if and when it happens.

 

Anyway....thanks guys. I just needed to hear someone else's opinion about this to get it straight in my own mind.