Even after so long...

[Mariana345]

I still miss him sometimes, even if I am in a better place than I ever was when we were together. Even when I am fulfilling all the dreams that he actively made me give up and I like myself more, and feel proud of my life like never before.

 

I think is normal, I loved him for 9 years, and gave up many things for him, so it’s just normal that my feelings are still a little regretful still more than 2 years from our break up, there are situations when you can not turn down your feelings just like that, and its ok too.

 

I remember how I was before him. That when someone didn’t fulfill my expectations of a relationship I just opt out because I never intended to change a person or pursue a bad relationship. But with him it was different. I let things ‘‘pass‘‘ and I forgave him when he promised he wouldn’t mean any harm nor he would do it again. I didn’t now at that time that it was emotional abuse.

 

When he lied to everybody around him, family, friends, teachers, everybody, but for some reason I thought that at least he would not lie to me, because “he loved me so much”, but I couldn’t trust him too much. When he told me several times a day and daily that he loved me so much in a way that it seemed not real anymore, for how many times a day he can tell those words so easily but still fell happy that he could say that to me constantly. When he started to speed up the relationship, talking about future plans and how he always wanted to be with me and how I was the only one for him, his first love and he couldn’t do without me, which is, for some reason, what others tend to make us believe that is a committed relationship since “playboys don’t usually like to make plans or think about the future”.

 

And still he lied to me. He drip fed me, telling things here and there, and when I found out about new things he would say a little more and a little more, making it look like it was all the truth but always hiding things. He also gaslighted me, and at some point I though I was really going crazy: “Did that really happened? Did I really say it like that? Did he really told me that? Did things really went that way? Is my memory so bad?”. Craziness, but he looked sincere and I was doubting myself. And then I really became crazy, and did stuff for me to “be able to keep the relationship”. If he did something shady I would do something even worst so I can forgive him because I am worse and so my ego would not get that harmed and I could still be with him (all of this just noticed after the end of the relationship). I became jealous. I could not trust him. And then when I could not take it anymore and wanted to break up he would not let me. He would cry, showed me “emotions” accusing me for not to wanting to try anymore, that I didn’t wanted to fight for the relationship, made ME feel guilty, and when it all almost was over he would beg not to end it, he would do something about the issue, he would “change”… his last resource, and I usually felt for it. It happened several times. At some point it looked like I was manipulating him trying to leave him to make him “change”. But I really was in such a pain I wanted to leave, and loved him so much that I wanted to stay. Although I think at some point I also became used to and stop being ‘that’ real. I wouldn’t leave him unless something “really bad” happened. I changed so much inside while I was with him.

 

He would also belittle me. With silly stuff, like don’t ride that bicycle, you would fall again. I can’t let you alone, you may get hurt. Why don’t you stop trying so many stuff and just focus on one?. You can not save them all, stop getting involved (when I became an animal rights activist). Stop taking those language classes, they take us time of being together.

 

He would say at the beginning, when I told him about my dreams of going abroad and all “go for it, I would follow you everywhere”, and then when it became more real “I think I couldn’t not handle it, if you go abroad we would break up”, and then when I would try to separate (at least at the beginning) he would beg not to. So I gave up my dream for being with him… and then he would say he never asked me to do it.

 

It also looked like the relationship was never progressing. But we were “almost compromised” since the very beginning, so it was almost normal. 5 years of the same kinds of dates. 5 years of the same behaviour. When I was concerned about the future he would say “don’t worry, I know what I want and how to get it” but never said any further. He would always want all of my free time. Expected me to bail my university lessons to be with him. Expected me to lie to my dad. Expected me to give him all my remaining time, almost not having any to do things by myself, and when I invited him he was not so interested but “he would go just to be with me” but then expected me to give up and just do nothing around him. It felt such a waste of my time and my life. He said the right words, we started to make plans of moving in together because I had no more time left to give him, so he said he would and then… take actions that looked like the opposite to me. We were “saving money” and he would go and spend lots in silly stuff… some for me, that I myself said I didn’t want it. So I looked ungrateful. He would not wanted go to look for apartments but then when I dropped the topic and was not interested anymore he would try to check and said that I was the one indifferent. So confusing at the time.

 

His friends mistreated me and he always left them. When I did stand for myself he would get mad at me. I was “controlling” but again when I couldn’t take it anymore he would always try to “fix things” and I always felt for it.

 

He did too many things to me. Some of them looked to me like real signs of love. I didn’t know better at that time. He would call me several times at day “just to hear my voice”, “he missed me so much”, “just to say I love you”, messaged me constantly. Buying me presents. Calling me princess, saying always words of almost adoration. Gave me so much attention, made feel “special”. But I didn’t know better at that time. I just looked at what I wanted to look to.

 

The good times were more of course, many times of normal life stuff, happiness, silly good moments but I didn’t recognized the red flags that are very important. Trust, respect, love, care, shared values… not there.

 

I forgave him, because I am too tired of hating, and because even if it wasn’t his intention he helped me to develop the woman I am now. Because of my huge ego and vanity I decided to do everything he always prevented me to and so I am living my dreams now. My friends and family call me “inspiring”, they are all so proud of me. And so do I. I would never change even the worst of my days living my dreams for another 5 year with him. And I also forgave myself, because I also did my part for this failing relationship and I didn’t know better at that time, I am learning, and I did my best with what I had at that point, so I am letting it go.

 

But is not that easy, future is insecure and going after your dreams is sometimes scary so I would constantly look at that relationship to distract myself. I would mourn what happen even if we haven’t talked since the break up and I refuse to know anything about him. Even when his happiness in not related to mine at all. When I had other relationships and other experiences and I know I could never go back to him. When he humiliated me, and lied to me and made it all my fault. Even though all of that I still miss him. Sometimes. When I look at a movie that he would love, or go to a place he would like, or meet someone he would have being good friends with. When I do actions or says words that I caught from him. But of course, 9 years of loving someone and a 5 year relationship don’t just disappear all of the sudden, even after almost 3 years is normal that there are things remaining there. But it looked so easy for him… maybe that is what is still bothering me… that I am still unable of totally let go, and that I can not seem to be able to move on on something more real...

[Willywagtail]

No, things don't disappear, not even love.

 

I understand the bittersweet emotions you're feeling. I've felt them, and still do 4 years after my break up.

 

To be perfectly honest, I think that this concept of 'totally letting go' is completely unrealistic, and something that popular culture is obsessed with. How can you totally let go of someone you've shared your life with, had sex with, confided your deepest emotions with? It's an absurdity. You've shared a piece of yourself with them energetically, bonded deeply with them, loved them - how is it possible to totally let go if this?

 

Very often these types of relationships leave us with loss and sadness, and some, if not a lot, of that love persists. I've felt what you're feeling as well (although my circumstances were a little different). The way I've dealt with it is by accepting that I have those feelings of lingering sadness, loss and love. They don't dominate my life any more, but they are there, as they would be if I'd experienced a death. I believe they will fade as time goes on, but for me there will always be a certain sadness at the demise of my relationship - just as there would be for the death of a loved one.

 

Think of it as a death. There is no real time frame for grieving, and you wouldn't berate yourself for not moving on. You can continue to miss him, feel love for him and feel sadness at the same time.

 

Time. That's what is the real healer. It takes time and as we reconnect with life, the sadness recedes, we think about it less, and we start to become more real ourselves. That's when we CAN move into something more real.

 

Accept the way you feel rather than fighting it. You'll be surprised what happens when you do. It starts to fade away.

[Mariana345]

Thank you, your words made feel better. I think you are right, it the concept of completely let go and that I haven't accomplished what is making me crazy. But I can turn off feelings that I've felt for so long just like that (even when it's been sooo long), because it really did matter to me.

 

Maybe is just like meditation, recognize the feeling, really feel them, accept them and continue with your life. And at least I have a very good lesson about life and to be aware for my next relationship, if I ever feel ready again.