Assumptions

[brigirl92]

Idk why, but I have been getting agitated by the littlest of things that people say. I don't know if it has to do with depression/anxiety/whatever. Everything is a trigger. I should post this somewhere else, but since it centers around my breakup I'll do it here.

 

If you hadn't read up on my situation, my relationship ended in January, but I still got some things in ex's storage that I won't be able to get until March or May. Anywho, I'm talking to my mother and she basically says that I should forget that I'm getting my things back and I ask her why?

 

She just says she doubts I'm going to get them back, and she brings up stuff about you see people on those court shows, blah, blah, blah, blahhh. She implying that maybe when it comes around the time to get my things my ex would be difficult and possibly I'll never get my things.

 

I think her assumptions are so stupid. I can understand if my ex has shown signs to not being accommodating thus far. Yes people change and you can't predict the future I understand that. But before we broke up, my ex ensured I was back home so I wasn't left blowing in the wind when we actually broke up ('home' at my parents is 1000+ miles away from where I was living with him), he's been genuinely interested in my well being (has suggested several times that I see a doctor after we broke up cause I do show strong signs of depression), has given me space when I asked for it and and open line of communication also (unfortunately the limited contact thing didn't work after we slipped up on Valentines Day and flirted with each other. I asked for space and which he understood and hasn't contacted me since then. We still want to he friends, but learn the hard way that we have to move on separately first. He says I should feel free to contact him for support whenever, but he won't contact me until he hears from me again. Even apologized for giving me mixed feelings on V Day). Hes even told me before he'd make sure I'd get my things when he could get access to his storage.

 

Another thing, my mom keeps making it seem like he's 'bullying' me to get help with my depression, just cause he simply suggested for me to get help the last time we spoke. I know this sounds bad, but I feel that as a mother there's this "weird" jealousy. I've been dealing with depression for a while, but it took this breakup for me to realize I need to seek help. She sees it as, "Oh I've been wanting her to get help for a while, but she decides she needs it because of what her ex says so".

 

I decided I need help, because I finally realized I was tired of feeling like crap every single day. Yes, our breakup was a catalyst, and knowing the reason why was due to depression was a catalyst. I want to get better for myself. It is kind for my ex to suggest, NOT FORCE, me in that direction, but I'm doing this for me.

 

Because of all of this, I feel like she finds ways to kind of speak negative about him at times. Am I blowing this out of proportion? I know we're not together, but at the same time it is someone I care for deeply, and I don't like that she's trying to paint him to be someone he is not. I feel as though he will be a man of his word and see to me getting my things. I just think my mom is being ridiculous right now. Like, I clearly Know him more than she does.

[mhowe]

stop talking about him with her.

[brigirl92]

stop talking about him with her.

I know that's an easy solution, but most of the time she brings him up to me. We don't see eye to eye on a lot of things, so I don't talk to her as freely as I did when I was a child. Yeah I'm of age, but sometimes I don't feel comfortable, or "grown" enough to say hey mom I don't want to discuss this. That would open up another can of worms.

[mhowe]

Well. That is what you have to do. Change the dynamic to two adults....not a child and parent.

 

I remember saying to my mother..."I don't discuss your love life with you...mine isn't up for discussion either."

[derroax]

I don't know your mother, but I think in general mothers are very concerned for their children and want them to be happy. My mum would invariably say negative things about my ex, because she thinks that the more she puts him down, the more I will be able to move on. If he's unworthy, then I will have an easier time getting over him.

 

I also believe that different generations have different levels of openness towards therapy. A lot of people still have a stigma attached to therapy because they think it's some sort of "last resort" solution to our problems. A lot of people think we should be able to solve our own problems, rather than pay someone to solve them for us.

 

I guess what I'm saying is that my mum would probably say similar things if I was in your situation, but knowing my mum, I know where they are coming from.

 

I was in an 8 year relationship with my ex and we lived together for 6. When we broke up, I moved back in with my mum. I was 29, but as soon as I moved back it seemed like our dynamic changed to mother vs teenage daughter.

After building my own life, living independently and having a grown-up relationship, it was difficult to be back and treated like a kid. But I claimed my adulthood and invited me to treat me like a grown up. About 150 times before she got it. I know she had the best intentions, so I was patient.

[Sarah691607309662]

it is hard to stop talking to your Mom about something that takes all your thoughts. But this is a goal.

 

Basically you have to detach from two people and find your own ground. This is the path to recovery. Not the easy one. Depression or not, therapy or not - your way is to find YOUR OWN way.

 

I have been in that situation a number of times. I tend to lose myself in certain people that remind me of my parents. My mother also lives her life through my experiences and I let her do that....to some degree. it is not easy. The best way I found is to start something new that takes up all your focus. I love going for sport because it is a win-win - it improves health, body, it is your own doing, it builds strength and confidence. And is annoys a crap out of those on whom I was emotionally dependent because when they see me with my sport bag always leaving, they are losing control over me. it is very liberating.