The Time Approaches.

[AintEasy]

For any who are not up to date you can catch up on my story in the healing section here:

 

 

 

Cliff notes: Me, 24 male, her 22 female. We have been broken up for 3 months. Have known each other since she was 14. Incredibly close best friends until she was 18. Told me she had feelings for me the day she met me but life got in the way of that. 4.5 years of the most wonderful relationship. Love I never thought I could experience. She thought the world of me, I the same. We planned to get married the moment I graduated. She moved out of her parent's home, transferred to a new university, got a new serving job where she became lead server and it heavily took over her life. I saw how unhealthy it was. I felt it was toxic and a severe distraction to school and our relationship. However she had never experienced this kind of freedom, confidence, and attention. And so we clashed heads like two rams for about 3 weeks to which she decided that was it. Told me she wanted to be selfish and single and focus on herself. I was incredibly hurt, but I understood because she has never experienced freedom. her parents were insanely restrictive.

 

She has said things such as: (Note* she has a private blog that she always used to vent about me/her parents on that she knows I know about. She admitted it was a passive-aggressive way of communicating with me. She stopped doing so about a year ago once she realized this*)

 

- Whatever happens, I will always love you. (Private blog)

- It was just too much too soon. (Private blog)

- I wanted it so badly to be you. Why couldn't it have been you. (Private blog)

- I miss him quite a bit. (To a mutual friend)

- That crushed my heart. (To a mutual friend when I deleted photos of us together on facebook)

- I'm so depressed... and still heartbroken. (Today on her private blog)

 

Now here is where things get a little amusing. Throughout my time without her, I have come to realize that I suffer from clinical depression. I started seeing a therapist and started staying as active as possible to do my best to get rid of it. Anyway, when we broke up she told me she'd be happier without the strain of the relationship and she felt this was best for her. The irony? It wasn't. Mutual friends tell me she is miserable, depressed, and incredibly stressed. A friend of ours who is very good at analyzing people, very good at keeping things real and not sugarcoating, and very good at telling the truth, told me that she honestly believes we were both better people together, as well as way happier. She feels we truly are meant to forever be in each other's lives. I have always been there for my ex, through thick and thin. You could easily say I was her rock that kept her going. However everyone around me pretty much agrees the best way for her and I to get back to where we were is to go into things naturally. To be "friends" without putting the label on it and just slowly work back into it.

 

So flash forward to tonight, and while I was at work, I read an article on a study about depression and relationships. It made me realize how many mistakes I made simply because of my depression and it made me only want to work harder to fix myself. I realized how much my depression was projected outward. So I'm sitting here thinking about this and studying/researching when for a reason I can not explain, I got the urge to check her blog (I haven't in a month). Literally, 10 minutes before I checked, she posted this:

"I learn a lot about clinical depression with my major I just never thought I would be my own test subject. All the signs are there. Chemical imbalance, insomnia due to my own thoughts, and eyes watering near crying in public places for no damn reason.

My manager thinks I need professional help at this point and I feel it’s time too but where the hell am I going to find THE TIME. Especially since it’s a secret from all whom are close to me.

“There’s really no pillar which is helping stabilize your life because everything is connected together at this point. Either you get help or your life is going to come crashing down.”"

 

The amusing part is before she left me she never showed any signs of depression. She was one of the happiest people I knew. So much energy and optimistic and upbeat all the time. She knows I know about the blog. She knows I am pretty much the only one who is going to see this. You would not believe the sudden urge I got to send her a text saying something like "How ironic is it that the same day you posted that was the same day I was studying and realized how much depression affected my own life." Maybe not exactly that, but something along those lines. To start a conversation on common ground so to speak. Here is my dilemma:

 

On March 6th, I am spending a weekend in Las Vegas for a friend's birthday with said friend, my ex, my close guy friend, and perhaps another friend. I can't decide

- If I should continue to be in silence with her until then, so that it is like all at once she will have had a real chance to miss me and it will hit her like a brick.

- If I should text her and open the door to contact and slowly work our contact so that the trip can be even more comfortable/things will already have been started.

 

Opinions? My gut tells me to continue to stay in silence and let her continue without me since this is what she so confidently thought she wanted.

[Shane Falco]

You should not be in contact and you really need to stop reading her blog and checking up with her with mutual friends. You aren't in No Contact if you are keeping tabs on her. It sounds like you have issues of your own to work through that are considerable -- you should be devoting all of your time to that and none of your time to sniffing around to see how she's doing. I think the Vegas trip to see her (or at least hang out in her group) is a really bad idea, but I'm sure it's all paid for and there's no way that you aren't going to do it, so I'm not going to waste my breath on that.

 

But yes, stay silent and stop snooping.

[Capricorn3]

You should not be in contact and you really need to stop reading her blog and checking up with her with mutual friends. You aren't in No Contact if you are keeping tabs on her. It sounds like you have issues of your own to work through that are considerable -- you should be devoting all of your time to that and none of your time to sniffing around to see how she's doing. I think the Vegas trip to see her (or at least hang out in her group) is a really bad idea, but I'm sure it's all paid for and there's no way that you aren't going to do it, so I'm not going to waste my breath on that.

 

But yes, stay silent and stop snooping.

I agree 100% but I don't think the OP will listen. Or, OP, hopefully you'll prove us wrong?

[AintEasy]

You should not be in contact and you really need to stop reading her blog and checking up with her with mutual friends. You aren't in No Contact if you are keeping tabs on her. It sounds like you have issues of your own to work through that are considerable -- you should be devoting all of your time to that and none of your time to sniffing around to see how she's doing. I think the Vegas trip to see her (or at least hang out in her group) is a really bad idea, but I'm sure it's all paid for and there's no way that you aren't going to do it, so I'm not going to waste my breath on that.

 

But yes, stay silent and stop snooping.

 

The thing that is so frustrating is I don't check up with mutual friends. They just tell me these things and then I don't have the willpower to say "Stop I don't want to hear it."

 

But I will say the one thing that needs to be made clear, this is not her group. This is our group. It has been our group of friends since before we were together. I know the Vegas trip isn't the wisest idea, but I'm pretty resilient and feel like I'll have the strength to handle it as yes, it is all paid for. Also I don't necessarily suddenly have issues to work through that I just realized, it is more of I had issues that I wasn't even aware of until I was already half way through improving them subconsciously. I will admit I have no excuse for the blog. I never realized how detrimental it would be to my ability to avoid her. Because it was always used to direct messages towards me it has become a bit of a curse. I will do my best to stop looking at it but I am the type of person who loves to be completely prepared. If I had never looked at the blog how would I have ever known these things? I would have assumed that she was as happy as could be without me and I would have been much more heartbroken than I initially was.

 

Capricorn I want to prove you guys wrong, I do, as I enjoy tests of the human strength. I believe it is the one thing that builds character. But is my situation really so simple? She says she is miserable and depressed and heartbroken and I'm suppose to just say "Eh. Her loss. I'll care when she actually comes to me."?

[Capricorn3]

OP, I don't mean this in a nasty way, but I have the strong feeling all your threads will go on forever, go round and round in circles, never getting anywhere. And then, rinse, repeat, start all over again, ad nauseum. I say this because I believe you'll do what you want to do, because you somehow convince yourself that there "really" is something there (when there's not), and no matter what anyone says, how many times, you WILL continue to believe "there's still something there", but then when she doesn't come back to you, you'll be back with another thread asking why. So many people have given you great advice but it's been like water off a duck's back. (sorry).

 

Also remember, when things go around in circles, people eventually give up.

[AintEasy]

OP, I don't mean this in a nasty way, but I have the strong feeling all your threads will go on forever, go round and round in circles, never getting anywhere. And then, rinse, repeat, start all over again, ad nauseum. I say this because I believe you'll do what you want to do, because you somehow convince yourself that there "really" is something there (when there's not), and no matter what anyone says, how many times, you WILL continue to believe "there's still something there", but then when she doesn't come back to you, you'll be back with another thread asking why. So many people have given you great advice but it's been like water off a duck's back. (sorry).

 

Don't worry it wasn't taken that way and no need to say sorry. I appreciate the honesty but I don't want those who have been gracious enough to give me such advice think that it has been a waste. My words may not show it, but I have actually already started to believe that there isn't still something there. Perhaps it is because I tried and tried for so long, that I finally came to the realization that I really did everything I could. I gave her more love than I ever knew I was capable of and so I did the best I could with the purest of intentions. I deleted instagram, snapchat, and facebook so I've already felt a tremendous difference just through avoiding those distractions. I'll admit this private blog of hers may be my biggest hurdle.

 

Maybe I made this thread out of an impulsive reaction to seeing her post. I just had a hard timing wrapping my head around how someone who clearly still loves you, was happier and living better when they were with you, realizes the grass really isn't greener without you, but is still never coming back to you. I think I'm finally learning how the world really works.

[Shane Falco]

First of all, you have to tell your friends not to update you. You just have to. And your logic for spying on the blog is flawed. You need to get yourself together, not be using information to formulate a plan of attack and try to manipulate a result. This time needs to be about you and doing your stuff. In trying to be "prepared" to see her you are taking away from your "preparation", which in this situation is recovery. No matter how you try to spin it it's a terrible idea and needs to stop.

 

I realize this is hard, but you just got to do it. As far as the trip goes, I had a somewhat similar situation six weeks after the breakup that got me to find this board. Prepare to be disappointed. I thought all I had to do was act strong, be me and all would be fine, but it wasn't like that at all. In fact, it was pretty awkward for the most part. It almost certainly won't go the way you want it to.

 

And for your last part, it's not your responsibility. You have a lot on your plate you have to deal with first before trying to deal with the problems of others, much less the problems of a person who basically fired you from a relationship. I know you want to think that your situation is a unique flower and that you know more than people outside of it, but unfortunately, these situations usually play out the same. She has her own stuff, you have yours. Deal with yours first before crossing any bridge when it comes to her. Plus, since she was the one who dumped you, it is up to her to cross the bridge first.

[chamachama]

Get help for your depression. It has absolutely nothing to do with her. Stop trying to rationalize contact. It won't be what you think it will be in your mind.

[AintEasy]

Thanks Shane. I'll admit I was pretty interested in hearing from you. Hopefully the trip will be alright. I met up with her a month after breaking up and for time where we weren't talking about our relationship, it felt exactly like old times so we'll see how it goes. At this point what I am noticing I struggle the most with is how amazing things were. How good life was. She left to be happy so I respected that. It hurts to see that she isn't and is in fact the most miserable she's ever been.

 

I'm curious though. I've been reading alot of brownstone's and tiredtiger's stuff so it got me thinking. Do you believe it is always up to the dumper to cross the bridge first?

[Shane Falco]

Thanks Shane. I'll admit I was pretty interested in hearing from you. Hopefully the trip will be alright. I met up with her a month after breaking up and for time where we weren't talking about our relationship, it felt exactly like old times so we'll see how it goes. At this point what I am noticing I struggle the most with is how amazing things were. How good life was. She left to be happy so I respected that. It hurts to see that she isn't and is in fact the most miserable she's ever been.

 

I'm curious though. I've been reading alot of brownstone's and tiredtiger's stuff so it got me thinking. Do you believe it is always up to the dumper to cross the bridge first?

 

Yes, unless it's some sort of chance meeting where you both randomly run into each other and it's simultaneous or you are completely healed and don't have any inclination to seek her back romantically. But you aren't even in the same ballpark of that, so get that out of your head. That is at least six months off, and probably longer than that, away.

 

The dumper has to do the vast majority of the work, especially in the early stages. You dump, you fix. And the fact that she's miserable does not mean that she wants to get back from you. Dumpers don't like to be dumpers necessarily, but they do it because they feel they have to. Either way, stop snooping. I can't emphasize this enough.

[AintEasy]

The dumper has to do the vast majority of the work, especially in the early stages. You dump, you fix. And the fact that she's miserable does not mean that she wants to get back from you. Dumpers don't like to be dumpers necessarily, but they do it because they feel they have to. Either way, stop snooping. I can't emphasize this enough.

 

Don't worry, I don't think that. It's more that it slightly put me at peace to know how happy we were together, yet she thought she'd be happier without me. Now she is more miserable than she has ever been. I guess just through typing that out I prove that she does in fact need to cross the bridge first eh?

 

Noted. Snooping done. At least I will work my hardest to do so. You know, I was absolutely heartbroken, devastated, the works when she left me, but man, I am not as bad of a state as she is in. I just find it peculiar that had I been in the dark I would have assumed she was free as a bird without me. That's the rub isn't it? I would have moved on faster thinking that?

[Shane Falco]

Don't worry, I don't think that. It's more that it slightly put me at peace to know how happy we were together, yet she thought she'd be happier without me. Now she is more miserable than she has ever been. I guess just through typing that out I prove that she does in fact need to cross the bridge first eh?

 

Noted. Snooping done. At least I will work my hardest to do so. You know, I was absolutely heartbroken, devastated, the works when she left me, but man, I am not as bad of a state as she is in. I just find it peculiar that had I been in the dark I would have assumed she was free as a bird without me. That's the rub isn't it? I would have moved on faster thinking that?

 

I don't see a rub. How she's doing shouldn't matter in your recovery. All it shows that you are distracting yourself with other things than what you should be focusing on, which is your healing. Whether she's happy or sad, the result is the same -- she chose not to be with you. You keep getting distracted by colored bubbles.

[AintEasy]

I don't see a rub. How she's doing shouldn't matter in your recovery. All it shows that you are distracting yourself with other things than what you should be focusing on, which is your healing. Whether she's happy or sad, the result is the same -- she chose not to be with you. You keep getting distracted by colored bubbles.

 

Thanks man. I really appreciate all of your help. Every time I start to get tempted I'm just going to picture the actual Shane Falco saying "She chose not to be with you dude. All that matters."

[Capricorn3]

Thanks man. I really appreciate all of your help. Every time I start to get tempted I'm just going to picture the actual Shane Falco saying "She chose not to be with you dude. All that matters."

 

You say that, but WILL you do what you say? Me thinks, no, lol.

[AintEasy]

You say that, but WILL you do what you say? Me thinks, no, lol.

 

And me thinks whether you are saying that just to help kickstart me or whether you actually believe I won't, I WILL.

 

Look, I can talk about what a sucker for punishment I am all I want, but in any situation in life, I always reach a point where I decide enough is enough and I think about myself. It is really hard. Extremely hard. Her and I had everything we ever wanted. Once her life changed she decided that having true love wasn't important anymore. That killed me. Not leaving me for someone else? Not leaving me because of loss of attraction? Just genuinely believing she'd be happier without me and partying her life away? Yeah, that killed me. Think about how much that sets back an inexperienced young person like myself who thought he found his life partner. But I wont sit around and grovel. I haven't for some time now. Whether you believe it or not, set back or not, I will grow out of this. I'm sorry if my actions have made you believe otherwise lol.

[Shane Falco]

I just read over your other thread. You really need to detach from this badly. The post where you were talking about romantice comedies being a template for life made me want to just shake the crap out of you because it showed the lengths you are willing to do mental gymnastics to stay in this haze. Movies are fiction, they are entertainment, they are meant to make you feel good, to be an escape from life. I'm guessing your philosophy on science fiction movies with cyborgs isn't the same as it is for romantic comedies.

 

My advice is to go complete No Contact before and after Vegas. No more snooping, no more trying to divide by zero.

[AintEasy]

I just read over your other thread. You really need to detach from this badly. The post where you were talking about romantice comedies being a template for life made me want to just shake the crap out of you because it showed the lengths you are willing to do mental gymnastics to stay in this haze. Movies are fiction, they are entertainment, they are meant to make you feel good, to be an escape from life. I'm guessing your philosophy on science fiction movies with cyborgs isn't the same as it is for romantic comedies.

 

My advice is to go complete No Contact before and after Vegas. No more snooping, no more trying to divide by zero.

 

Yeah as I'm sure you're aware of that post was a bit back. I've since come to force myself to understand that life isn't a freaking fairytale. I won't lie I thought it was. I couldn't even begin to describe to you guys the happiness that her and I had for all of those 4 years. It really set me back when it comes to the cold hard truth that life isn't roses and dandelions. Advice taken. Thanks guys.

[saluk]

"Maybe I made this thread out of an impulsive reaction to seeing her post. I just had a hard timing wrapping my head around how someone who clearly still loves you, was happier and living better when they were with you, realizes the grass really isn't greener without you, but is still never coming back to you. I think I'm finally learning how the world really works."

 

You are kidding yourself that she had it better before she left. People who are really and truly happy with where they are don't leave. You do not know how she was feeling before she left, and you don't even really know how she is doing now. You only know your perceptions of both, which are HIGHLY skewed. And the grass may not be greener, but that's not necessarily the point. Think of the young adult who moves out of their parents house into a dorm or some other form of housing and starts working at a crappy job. Having to figure out how to make ends meet is going to be difficult, life gets harder, and they are more likely to be stressed. But it's still better than going back to live with their parents, because it's not right anymore. You were a security blanket for her that was nice to hold, but the situation had stopped being a helpful one for her. Even if not having it is harder. And I really think this is true of you as well, that she was a security blanket for you that you haven't been able to let go of yet.

 

"Her and I had everything we ever wanted."

 

I don't think we ever really know what we want. We know what we want in the near future, but longer term... Time marches on and people want different things. It's only natural. It's nice to think that you are going to meet someone in high school and you will be together forever, and not have to deal with trying to meet people and figure out what kinds of relationships work and what kind don't, and go through all of the uncertainty of becoming an adult by yourself - and just kind of be set early. It's like, wow, here is this great shortcut that is going to make life so much easier. But in a way, I think you learn a lot more going through this period without that security, because you can only rely on yourself to figure it out. Heck, most people I knew in high school were dreaming of something to happen, but I can only remember 2 relationships that actually SURVIVED high school.

 

"Think about how much that sets back an inexperienced young person like myself who thought he found his life partner."

 

I don't really believe in set backs. It's more of a zig zag. Sometimes you are going one way, but then you find out you are going another way. It definitely feels like you are going back, but that is just the whiplash that you are feeling. It is much better for you to lose each other now than it would be to be together for a longer period. If you had rashly gotten married like some young couples do and then she pulled this some time down the line it would be much harder - especially if you had children. Still a zag, but an even more difficult and complicated one

 

"It really set me back when it comes to the cold hard truth that life isn't roses and dandelions."

 

There are always roses, but there are also always thorns. You gotta figure out how to get through the thorns to the roses, and sometimes that's harder than others. Generally, the older you are (at least in my limited experience, lol), there are both more thorns, and more roses.

 

I didn't experience the love and happiness you did at an early age. I barely got a taste of it recently in my late twenties, but it didn't last very long. I would be lying if I said I wasn't slightly envious of you. You know how important a strong, positive relationship is, and that will be a really important guide going forward that a lot of people don't have. You are empowered! Start focusing on what you are building for yourself - it's time to LET THIS ONE GO, at least with your ACTIONS if not yet in your heart. "How do I improve my life today" should be what you ask yourself when you wake up in the morning, rather than "how do I put this puzzle back together" or "what do I do to increase the chances of us getting back together". Because ultimately, while you think what you want is to have back what you have lost, what you REALLY want is to FEEL good again, to not feel the pain and anguish. The first may or may not be possible - and it's not looking great at this point - but the second DEFINITELY is.

[AintEasy]

Dangit Saluk if I could buy you a beer I would. You wouldn't believe how much you have helped me through all of this. Thank you so much again for everything. But I don't buy it that I'm kidding myself on the fact that she had it better before she left. She left because the last two weeks of our relationship, combined with the events going on in her life, were just way too much for her to handle. Timing is everything in life. If we were struggling the way we were without her life interfering we would have easily flown past it. But alas, timing is the thorn in the roses, and it stabbed us both hard. I do believe that everything happens for a reason, and this was a lesson for both her and I. We will see where life leads next. But again, I really appreciate your words. They help me greatly.

[Shane Falco]

She could very well see it as taking one step backward to go several steps forward. You don't know, which is why it's absolutely counterproductive and a waste of your time to try to break it down and psychoanalyze. You need to figure out you, not her.

[mhowe]

"Without her life interfering in it"......

 

Ah, but that is the crux of the matter. Life does interfere with...life, and love.

 

And when it comes down to it...it is her life and she made the decision she thought best...for HER life.

[AintEasy]

She could very well see it as taking one step backward to go several steps forward. You don't know, which is why it's absolutely counterproductive and a waste of your time to try to break it down and psychoanalyze. You need to figure out you, not her.

 

Yeah I've got to stop analyzing so much. I do it with everything in my life, and I mean everything.

 

"Without her life interfering in it"......

 

Ah, but that is the crux of the matter. Life does interfere with...life, and love.

 

And when it comes down to it...it is her life and she made the decision she thought best...for HER life.

 

Yeah that is pretty much what it boils down to. Such a shame.

 

I'm honestly worried about the Vegas trip. I haven't spoken a word to her about it nor do I want to but it will be such a small group it will be impossible to 'avoid' her in a sense.

[mhowe]

Then don't go. It isn't that complicated.

[AintEasy]

Guys, I just want to say I'm really proud of myself. Here's how a text conversation with my best buddy went

 

Him: Heard you're not coming tonight.

Me: Yeah dude my buddy invited me out with his girl friends. They think I'm cute apparently so you know.

Him: Then I'm not going lol.

Him: I've got some interesting dirt on ex

Me: Honestly dude, I don't want to hear it. I'm having a really good night and for once I don't really care. (told you I could do it capricorn!)

Him: No dude you wanna hear this

Him: *Sends me photo*

Me: Cool dude. Unless it's her saying she wants to get back with me I'm out. Have a good night!

Him: Haha whatever man, have fun.

 

The photo was a conversation with her where she says to him

 

"I need help. I'm extremely depressed. I never thought I'd be this depressed. Why did AintEasy have to make all these changes after we broke up. He's doing so well and it makes me miss him so much. Why did it take him this long...."

 

You'd think I would have jumped and screamed at that right? I didn't. If anything it felt good to know that I really am moving that far forward with my life. Again thank you so much guys for all your sound advice and help. I can't begin to describe how much it has helped me keep a level head.

[saluk]

Good to hear! Doesn't it feel good to be on the higher ground looking up and forward rather than looking down and back for a change? Now tomorrow and the next day you are probably going to have second thoughts about the "new" information (which is really the same stuff you've been hearing/observing all along). Probably at some random time when you don't expect to. When that happens come back here and reread what you just wrote.

 

Keep that level head!