I dont know how much longer I can hold on...

[Neene]

All my life there's been something wrong. As a child I was tormented in school, sexually abused, and had extreme verbal abuse and some physical abuse at home. My marks were strait a's. I would come home and all my parents would say is that I could do better. I was never good enough, no matter how hard I tried. In grade 9 my parents decided we were all going to move, for no reason either. My dad wasn't going to switch jobs or anything, and there was nothing this new place could offer but a "fresh start" as my mother put it. Some fresh start- my whole life restarted pretty much. A new home, new school, new friends, a new life; I had no say in the matter what so ever. In the months before the move I became anorexic, trying to grasp at least one thing I could control- my weight. My best friend Kat helped me through it and I began to realize I had feelings for her that exceeded friendship. She introduced me to God which helped me through all of this....the pain went away. My faith is what saved me here.

 

This is the point where we finally did move, and it was a HUGE change. I went from my 80 acre farm to a 3 acre lot in the middle of nowhere. I went to a new school where I was shunned. The house wasn't even done and we had to live in a cold dark trailer for 3 months. One day I had to bike home in the rain and I remember walking into the trailer and just crying. I couldn't even have a shower, and there was no heat. I was extremely stressed and started getting into huge fights with my parents. I wanted to go back to my old school and be with my friends and my love. It was possible, but she refused to listen to how I was feeling. One day I just broke. I was talking on the phone to one of my friends which my mom doesn't like and she told me to get off. I didn't want to so she started chasing me (it was a cellphone). I cant remember exactly what was said after i hung up, it was all very angry, but I do remember her last words "Why don't you just go and die?" Even with my strong faith, I couldn't take that. I didn't cry, I just starred blankly at her for a time and left. I know she dindt mean it, but it's the fact that she says things like this and thinks it wont hurt me. I walked about 2 miles down the road and slept under a bridge. It was cold, and I was scared, but I couldn't look at my mother anymore. Cops picked me up at 2 in the night. My mom had called my good friend Sarah at the dance (which mom wouldn't let me go, she was isolating me from my old life) to see if she knew where I was. Of course she didn't and my mom actually asked her if she should call the police. She needed my friends opinion. I could have hanged myself by then.

 

When I got home my mom was drunk (my parents drink a lot...and when they do they either get abusive physically or verbally) and pulling a melodramatic show infront of the cops. Sarah's mother has strongly disliked her since that moment (Sar and her mom came to my house at that late hour of the night, Sarah missing her dance, and my mom couldn't even think to call the police!). Well my mom FINALLY decided to listen, though she did it scarcely. She let me go back to my old school which made things a heck of a lot better, but she would also make me feel guilty or weak about it. ("I don't know why you couldn't just go to a new school, you break your dads heart, ect)

 

Well here life was ok, I was having a blast at school....but I was also falling deeper and deeper in love with my best friend Kat I mentioned earlier... until I couldn't stand it any longer and told her how i felt. In short, I was rejected and it tore me apart. I prayed for the feelings to go away but God didn't answer me, nothing seemed to be able to answer this problem. I loved her, and I still do love her, but I cant even have a chance with her because I was born without a penis. I began losing my faith, and now its completely gone. I instantly withdrew from her so I couldn't hurt myself more. I dated a bunch of guys, but none of them could compare. Even now I'm in a relationship with a girl (that still has a boyfriend!!!! ) I know she doesn't deserve me and I know for a fact she psychologically abusing me and making me feel worthless but I'm too stupid and weak to get out of it. I think I hold on to her just so I have at least a glimmer of love from someone. I treat her so well too...why cant she treat me as I do her? I'm not good enough for anyone...and deep inside the only one I even really want is my Kat . My friends have also been changing a lot too and I've discovered I've been used and stepped on, and fallen back on with no return favour back. Not that I ask for anything...I just don't want to be stepped on and used. Sarah is my all time best friend, she has never hurt me, but I don't treat her as well as I should, I don't deserve a friend like her. I flirted with a guy she really liked and I screwed us over for a law project...some friend I am.

 

Recently I got into a fight with a girl. She was making fun of me so I stood up for myself and she made a huge deal outta it. She still teases me in school with her big group from the "in" crowd. I remember what she said as I ran away from her in the bathroom with tears streaming down my cheeks- "You're a nobody". I've been reflecting on that. I've been doing a ton of self hate activities lately like self induced vomiting, abusing alcohol and injuring. I've been getting help too and my mom even started to care...for a while. but I've realized something- the only time she does (or shows she does) care is in a crisis. Why cant she stand beside me all the time?

 

I hid a bottle of Tylenol in my room tonight,...and I think its time for me to go. No matter how much I love a person they wont love me back, i'm stepped on and used so many times over and i'm getting sick of it. I'm a nobody, and if i do die yes of course people will cry. I know they will. But they'll get over it....and forget about me. It's not like i'm not already invisible anyway...Call me selfish all you want. I am selfish. I';m also weak because I cant take this like everyone else seems to. Everyone used to call me so strong...but now I look in the mirror and see the truth. I'm so weak. I give up on my true love and chase after others hoping to find some sort of satisfaction. I get hurt and refuse to get myself out of the situation because I hate myself so much I feel unworthy of anything. Stupidity right there, and I know it. I am a coward, which is ironic, since my zodiac sign is leo. I must be the cowardly lion...lol. My marks have dropped in school and i'm losing my purpose. It's fading away with al my other dreams and hopes that are either crushed by others or myself. I cant hold on much longer.

[DragonGirl724]

hun can i please talk to you.....put the Tylenols away. i read your entire story & the same thing happened to a friend of mine. please can we talk. dont do anything drastic please. i need to talk to you.

 

nothing i say on here will do much justice so i added you to my msn messenger. id love to talk to you on there. if not i also have email or you can PM me but id like to talk to you none the less.

 

dont do anything drastic. i can relate to you. i can be your friend through this. i went through this w/ a friend of mine & plenty here on this forum. i know i can help you, as well as others on this forum...if you let us.

 

-DG724

[nikkiagerba]

My dear, I know the worst things has happpend to you, but you have such a life to live. NO matter how many bad things happeneds,there's always a way out. God is the way, the truth and the light! He loves you for who you are , and it doesn't mattter what other people think because it's only critiscism. No one except god knows what you've been througha nd how far you have come in life. You have overcome a lot of obstacles, and my thought if you didn't want to live you wouldn't of wrote in this advice column . Hunny, I"m here to help you, and guide you through these bad days. Because you kno what , after every storm there is a rainbow. Some good day will come, i kno it. YOu just got to change your activities. Go to church, join a youth group, and get a new hobby . It will take away the pain of your broken heart. If your thinking gods nto going to forgive you for the feeligns toward the other girl. HE will . HE is by your side always no matter what you do. You can find the love your seeking through him, because he loves you unconditionally! He is your father! He's the good one that you desearve and will always have. Just try to get yourself out of the hole. REach your hand out, and he'll be there to hold it. Seriously..Just pray to him , even when situation seems to get undoubtalbe cruel. You can do it....

Write me back

Pleease..i"Ll be happy to know that your alive, and somehow my advice might of helped you. I'll talk to you till the end of the night if i have to.

[ToXiC AnGeL]

Please...whatever you do...dont do that. I know life might seem pointless and that your loosing your perpose but if you just hold on thing can and will get better. I know what its like to feel rejected by those around you..

Life can seem hard and it is sometimes, but you have to be strong...I dont see you as being weak. you have to be a very strong person to have gone as far as you did...I know I never could and i like to think of myself as a strong person...I never abused myself but my sister has and she just recently told everyone..I was so proud of her for telling us all. and i'm proud that you found the strengh in yourself to tell other people.

I also seeing yourslef as being strong..you told your friend that you love her..Something I could never admit to my friend. Life is indeed very unfair but if you work at it, it can become a great thing.

I know what its like to have moved from a place that you were comfortable in to a place that is forgein to you...for the first 7 years that I have lived where i do now...I only had myself. Nobody there would be my friend..I was an outcast, tormented by my peers. I was the kid who played in the back field by myself hoping someone would feel sorry for me and come and talk to me...but that never happened...I had to work hard to become who i am today. Not saying that its much but It is a start to a life i hope to be full and have a perpose. If you just look around you, you might beable to find your perpose..Your life doesn't have to end this way.

[thisisnotanexit]

i'm so sorry, i'm here for you. i can't completlely understand what youre going through, but i'm definitely here for you no matter what. we cna get through this. i've been through times too, i kno wit's hard. yo'ure not alone!

 

i don't think any of your posts are for attention, i know you need help. and hopefully i can give it to you. it's not your fault you're going through whatever you're going through, don't forget that. you are a very strong person and i respet that so much. life takes a lot of strength to live sometimes. you are not alone and it's not your fault. but there is help i promise! all is not lost!

 

if it makes you feel any better, you're not alone. most of us here, myself included, have been or am where you are now. the important thing to remember is that you CAN continue living and the rest of your life isn't going to be like this.

 

there is help out there. you can still live a normal life like everyone else. all is not lost, i promise! take advantage of this short life while you still can. there is a purpose for you i promise. use your strength and experience with life's struggles for something positive. you can do so much. never doubt yourself. i know how special you are and i hate that you don't believe it. you cango places and you can do things. take advantage of life while you can! please stick around and please please please don't commit suicide. if you've already ingested pills or something like that, visit this site that has an emergency number..call it! it's confidential and helps. . you can still live. get some help now or msg one of us or something. call the police or talk to someone. call a hospital! you can get through this, its not too late.

 

don't be so hard on yourself. try and have a little confidence. if you maintain this attitude that the world is against you and you'll never win, you're setting yourself up for failture. you can do anything you want and you're just as important as anyone else. don't forget that and don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

 

i feel the same way sometimes. some things in life really hurt me sometimes and i wonder how i can keep on going. but i'm so glad ive never acted upon these feelings. you have to understand right now, THIS ISN'T GOING TO BE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. true, life is short, but it's not that short. you've got to much time left and you're so young..who knows what can happen for you! please don't believe that you're doomed for the rest of your life! i promise you're not, you deserve to live just as much as anyone else and life will not ALWAYS be hard for you.

 

hey, if you're unhappy with the way certain please treat you, it's your life not their's. don't let them get away with treating you that way always and ruining your life. i know it's hard, but you have a life completely separate from your family's or anyone else's. get out of the house when you can. get a job that you don't extremely hate, and if you do hate it, just suck it up long enough to make some money. get out of the house and move if you want. you don't have to listen to your parents or other people in your immediate environment anymore. you have so much to live for. you have your entire life ahead of you. a life outside of other people you think are making your life so bad. you can do something about this. i'm truly sorry this upsets you all because i know how it feels, but believe me, if i can do it you can too. i'm not the only one who can beat this suicide thing.

 

you should go out and try to meet some people. you know, concerts, movies, clubs, school, etc. you can do it. just remember - try and maintain some confidence because YOU ARE worth it!

 

the point is, you're so young and have so much to live for. i know it's hard to see now, but just remember, suicide is a permanent solution to a TEMPORARY problem. this isn't going to be the rest of your life. please don't get lost in your sadness. pull yourself up and realize you CAN live. you can take advantage of this life. things are going to happen for you one day, just believe that they can. the things in your life you're unhappy with, try and make a difference. see what you can do. you're not completley helpless i promise. you can get through this. if you ever want to talk to me or anyone else on this board, please do. we'd love to help you through this difficult time.

 

try talking to someone..your friend or someone you trust..or one of us. anything you have to do. or if you ever feel really down, watch a good movie or listen to some good music. get a hobby. learn to play an instrument. join a club or organization. study. write. take a walk or exercise. you're gonna have so many things happen for you if you just stay strong and believe that your life isn't always going to be like this. you can do it. you can get through this. i've been there and you're not alone.

 

i know life gets hard, believe me i do. life is a struggle sometimes, but you'd never enjoy the good if you never felt the bad. you just gotta believe that there is still some good out there! stick around please and enjoy the good parts of life, because they exist i promise you. you're a strong, wonderful person and i hope you can see that. and again, if you ever ever need to talk to anyone, please msg me or anyone else on here. take care and visit these sites, please..like others have said on here, THEY CAN HELP AND THEY HELPED ME TREMENDOUSLY!!

 

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god loves you and so do all of us

 

these really do help, trust me..i've been there. please trust us. we all care about you so much and want to see you live!!

[DragonGirl724]

i referred an enotaloner to that metanoia websyte before. it really helps. and i feel the same that suicide is a permanant solution to temporary problems. and i hate to even use the word solution. it wont solve anything itll just make matters worse for everyone in your life.

 

you can get through this. you mean more to a lot of people than you even realize. please write us.

 

-DG724

[Jimbo10]

I'm so sorry things are this way in your life. I saw no guys answered, so if you need to talk to a guy for any reason I'm online a lot!

 

I'm also deeply religious, and I want you to know, even though you may feel abandoned by everyone including God, you havn't been. I'm positive you've heard that the lod works in mysterious ways. We hear it a lot, but you need to think about that really really hard. For some purpose, your life is the way it is. But the last thing the lord wants, is for you to end the life he gave you, no matter how difficult it feels. No matter how far away the light at the end of the tunnel is, it's there babe, it really is.

 

When I was only in grade 6, my life seemed like a living hell, geeze, we even had this substitute teacher for 2 weeks who made fun of me! I mean, if i didn't have the 2 friends i had, i might have done it. But i didn't. I know that you don't even have those friend there for you, but you need to use something else as your best friend, that is better than anything. I really think you should spend some time reading the bible, and slowing everything that's going on right down.

 

If i clocked the speed of your life right now, it'd be going over 200mph, trust me, you need to slow down, and mix a few things here: common sense, strength, faith, and hope.

 

If you need to talk to be about ANYTHING i'll do my best. Just keep it real. Good luck.

[thisisnotanexit]

haha i'm a guY

[Neene]

hey everyone....

 

well i ended up taking the tylenol two days ago. I was hospitalized and now I'm still seeking help...but nothing really seems to be working all that well. I have a shrink, a counsellor, and a minister trying to help. I have tons of numbers, and lots of sites...but I still question my existence. I dont know if I want to live. I feel more like a burden upon the earth than anything....infection even.

[thisisnotanexit]

no, you are not a burden. you are nothing like that. you're a wonderful person. don't worry about others right now, just worry about yourself. live YOUR life. this is your life, so live it and don't worry about what others think. one day you will be around people who treat you the way you deserve to be treated. you're so young. you've yet to experience so much. so many place, people, and things. don't give up now, please. it's really not worth it. please stick around, i promise you that life can be good. at least this way you have a chance. if you kill yourself, you will be dead in the dirt, rotting. please give life another chance. it's worth it. and you're worth it. you're such a strong, courageous and caring person. if not, you wouldn't still be here. i really admire that. please, i want to help you in any way i can. we all do here. we all care so much about you! never heistate to contact us ANYTIME. you're NOT alone. i've been where you are, but i'm so glad i didn' tgo through with it. i don't want to see you make that mistake. because it is a mistake...suicide solves NOTHING. please hang in there, it's worth it. you can do it, i know you can. and heres a few more sites to add tot he list, i but i really do think they're affective. you're doing great, keep up the progress. you can do it!

 

first, please call this number if there is ever an emergency or if you need to talk to someone immediately..it's confidential and you can find it at this site

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[smmrdwnmon]

This is sad. I know you probably need comfort right now, so here goes. Life sucks. I know that, you know that, everyone knows that. Well, think about this. You've made it this far into life, and in two years you can do anything you want...legally. (Well, almost anything. Take a chill pill and relax. My life sucks too. My parents live 1000 miles away from me. I live in WI and they live in CO. I didn't feel like I had a place on Earth either, until my sisters helped me. I am 1 of 9 children. 8, of which, are girls. I didn't get any attention. I miss my family in CO. My parents left our life here in WI behind. Their jobs, families and their home. The home i was born and raised in. life is hard between ages 13 and 17 and then it all starts to get better. Thats what my sisters tell me. I thought, hey if they can do it, if they can live through it, so can i. one of my sisters was a druggy & alchohalic. She had a baby and that helped her. I'm not saying go get pregnant or anything. I'm just saying. She is in college now, (she is 20 yrs old) she has a great paying job too. DOn't you have someone else you could go live with? well, if not, that sucks. But don't take your life. You believe in God did you say? well, God gave you a chance at something and you don't give a *&%^. Thats too bad. You know, who knows, life ould be a test for something god plans for you.Don't do it. You would be blowing a once in a lifetime chance.

[smmrdwnmon]

This is sad. I know you probably need comfort right now, so here goes. Life sucks. I know that, you know that, everyone knows that. Well, think about this. You've made it this far into life, and in two years you can do anything you want...legally. (Well, almost anything. Take a chill pill and relax. My life sucks too. My parents live 1000 miles away from me. I live in WI and they live in CO. I didn't feel like I had a place on Earth either, until my sisters helped me. I am 1 of 9 children. 8, of which, are girls. I didn't get any attention. I miss my family in CO. My parents left our life here in WI behind. Their jobs, families and their home. The home i was born and raised in. life is hard between ages 13 and 17 and then it all starts to get better. Thats what my sisters tell me. I thought, hey if they can do it, if they can live through it, so can i. one of my sisters was a druggy & alchohalic. She had a baby and that helped her. I'm not saying go get pregnant or anything. I'm just saying. She is in college now, (she is 20 yrs old) she has a great paying job too. Don't you have someone else you could go live with? well, if not, that sucks. But don't take your life. You believe in God did you say? well, God gave you a chance at something and you don't give a *&%^. Thats too bad. You know, who knows, life ould be a test for something god plans for you.Don't do it. You would be blowing a once in a lifetime chance.

[DarkWolf]

All this made me . I thought life was bad too sometimes and I wanted to commit suicide. I started scraching myself, one time I did it so much I'm guessing that you could say I was attacked by hundreds of cats. No really. I'm like was saying life sucks. I would scratch my legs arms and and face. Then life started to get a little better. Then I got some friends that were the opposite sex help me out. I didn't mension the term suicide but I talked about the things that made me want to comit it. They were feeling sry for me so I felt a little bit better. I started standing up for others and myself. I soon felt better about myself. I soon didn't care what others thought about me. I was too an A student and a B. My parents didn't care what I made so I was happy for that part. If anyone could help, it would be someone your close to as a friend. I felt bad for 13 years of my life and half of the year of the 14th it got better. Your still young and still don't know what the world holds for you. If you got rejected it's b/c God knows that wasn't the person you would be happy with. You will find someone in your life. I still haven't found a person yet but I've heard people in highschool don't care what the looks are anymore, It's your personality. I've heard this about everyday and even people that have rejected me said that too. Life life the fullest. Who knows. You could be the only one who survives at your school. The people making fun of you... Just ignore them. You will get used to it. If you don't give in to it they will stop. I've ignored them so much nobody has tried to do that to me for a while. They may of once or twice but hey, no ones perfect. My brother gets treated like **** but he hasn't even tryed suicide. The only time he has was when he was 13 and he threatoned to kill himself with a knife. My mother and I think I was more worried about this. I'm the sensitive type of guy but I'm ok with that. I would cry and my mother would ask what's wrong. I would tell her that I don't want him to comit suicide. She would also say this. Your mother... You know what... Shes kinda like what my brother acted after he heard this. He would act like for me to suck it up and stuff. The next thing I knew I was crying with him. Sure my family doesn't always get along and sure I may of wanted to comit suicide. But what if I did? What if I gave up the life I would have in the future? What If I did comit it? I would lose everything I have gained now. My brothers respect. My closests friends. My family even though they sound like they dont care. They really do. The help from others on problems. I'm still getting adjusting to my mother and it has gotten a little better. Think this though. If your mother didn't care about you, then why would she help you in a crisis? If she didn't care she would just let you die. I'm not kidding. Drugs is not the answer. Get up on your feet and live life the fullest. We may have a bad days and sometimes in a row but they get better. Sometimes they may get worse but hey, keep praying. God really does care. If he didn't care we would all die in hell with misery and dispair. He sacrificed his son for us. Does that mean anything? People really do care about you. More people would like to get to know you better too. If your shy, it's sometimes why this is happening. There has to be at least one person who wants to be your friend. They could even be the ones taunting you, the person in the corner, or the person who really needs help in a place like this world. Please and I say please do not comit suicide. Haven't you noticed all the people trying to help you out on the forums? People really do care. I'm even a boy which makes it weird that I'm posting and I'm also thinking what the other people online might think of me posting this. I don't care though. If they laugh at stuff at this then they should just get lost and go somewhere else. Even if they did post something bad... I don't care and you shouldn't either of what others think about you... Just live the life. You could be the only person that has many close friends. Many chances of relationships. Many chances of anything. Just remember this. If you do comit suicide I could be crying the second after you die.