Confusedbeans Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 My husband and I have been married for almost 10 years. In the beginning we did some crazy things together and with other people on a few occasions. I never felt comfortable during these moments and I told him this..Over the years he has brought things up and I always say No, and tell him it doesnt turn me on and that I dont feel like it's healthy for us. (We've had trust issues, go figure) He tends to bring this up during sex which totally ruins it for me despite me telling him this on numerous occasions. He also fantasizes about being with other men (sexually). Just the other night he was whispering how much we wanted to give oral sex to another man. I pretended I didn't hear him at first because it made me sick to my stomach. He has done things with a guy before we were together, and then done some things with a guy once a LONG time ago when we did a threesome, and once just with a guy and him only in front of me. He says it's just "kinky" and that he's not bi or anything. I've told him many times how I feel about it. It does not turn me on at all! He knows this. He asks for his prostate to be stimulated from me at times which I never thought was a big deal, but this fantasy stuff scares me. Then two days after this whispering about another man, I found he had tons of photos of his genitals as well as his anal area stretched out. I asked him why they were on there, and he said because he was going to send them to me. ? I feel like I'm being fooled. Our marriage has been rocky for as long as I can remember. There's no romance, or quality time spent together. He likes to drink quite a bit, and I dont and.... we have four kids. I also have anxiety/panic disorder and I dont work. I feel like if I wasn't "sick", we wouldn't be together. Link to comment
PaintWithLight Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 It sounds like he has a double life. Sit down with him and ask him for total honesty. Lay the cards on the table so you can know where you stand. Good luck. Link to comment
bulletproof Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 Our marriage has been rocky for as long as I can remember. There's no romance, or quality time spent together. He likes to drink quite a bit, and I dont and.... we have four kids. This sounds like the more major of your issues. Do you want to be in this marriage? What do you mean by "rocky"? Link to comment
WithLove Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 Just sounds like you guys are not compatible at all. Did you know about all these fantasies before you married him? There are rare cases in which both partners love each other but cannot satisfy each other sexually, so they both look elsewhere for it. I personally don't think it's very healthy to do that, but it's something you can consider. All of his fantasies sound like they are deal breakers to you. Link to comment
Brokenhart84 Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 I'm sorry that you are going through this. But your husbands behavior is not normal for a "straight" male. Unfortunately he prefers men. He will continue to seek out this type if relationship and it's not healthy for you. Maybe the two of you need go to counseling to figure out what you want to do. Link to comment
SpottiOtti Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 The flavor of your post to me is that he is behaving any which way he wants to because he feels you aren't going anywhere, because you are dependent on him. When you said you feel if you weren't "sick" y'all wouldn't be together, I nodded. If you told him you were turned off by his fantasies and he didn't stop talking about them, especially during sex, and if you are finding caches of photos that suggest he is looking for some male action on the side . . . these things to me point to a person who is bound and determined to do what they want despite the effect it has on their partner. He seems to lack respect for you. So, if all that rings true, my next question is, what steps are you prepared to take next? Link to comment
Edmund Exley Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 Im confused by the title of your thread, "Is This Normal?" Surely, you know this behavior is anything but normal. Its not even on the same map with normal. I think you might have a lot of things to consider here. Link to comment
Clinton Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 Is his behavior normal? For a bisexual man, yes it probably is. Will it change? probably not. People really can't change their sexuality, it's hard wired. He may hide it from you, but it's who he is. It's up to you if it's worth it to stay. But i dont think you'll ever be on the same page sexually. Link to comment
bulletproof Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 Unfortunately he prefers men. I don't think he said he "prefers" men. I think it sounds like he likes both. Which, in and of itself, isn't a problem if both people in the marriage agree it isn't. Link to comment
Fresh Air Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 1 He had fooled around with guys before you 2 He included fooling around with guys while with you 3 He's still interested in having guys as a part of his sexuality I fail to see the surprise in this for which you should be considered fooled. Link to comment
Iggles Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 1 He had fooled around with guys before you 2 He included fooling around with guys while with you 3 He's still interested in having guys as a part of his sexuality I fail to see the surprise in this for which you should be considered fooled. Agreed. He's been upfront about his interests. OP, you've been upfront that male/male action involving your husband* is a turn off. He continues to voice his fantasies during sex, disregarding your wishes. A "come to Jesus" chat is certainly in order. Tell him you need to resolve as couple. That said, if you disengage/stop sexy times every time he brings up his male-on-male sex fantasies you may get him to stop the behavior, but his inclinations will be unchanged. Meaning, his sexual turn ons will involve men either during jerk sessions or fantasizing about it in his head during sex with you. Kinky is how he compartmentalizes this side of his sexuality, but it sounds like he's bisexual at the very least. His ideal may be an open marriage allowing no string hookups with men or having being poly and having a secondary male partner/boyfriend while remaining married to you. -- * Note: The distinction "your husband" is important. Some women find male/male erotica and p0rn to be a huge interest but would be turned off if their husband or boyfriend had gay fantasies of his own and wanted to act on them. Link to comment
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