Friend pregnant and boyfriend won't talk to her, fighting.

[AliceKismet]

Hello,

 

I am posting about a dear friend of mine who is having some rough times, I wanted to get some advice for her, maybe how I can help her. Back story, she met a guy, Elliot, 5 months ago. The entire time I have known this friend, for the past 8 years, she has been single, for the most part. Barring a brief stint where she tried to reconcile with an ex. She's been on lots of dates, but is picky and never found anyone she wanted to see on the regular. So she met Elliot and I heard great things about him for about the first month. She had true feelings for him, quickly. Then I started hearing mixed reviews, 'he's so negative', 'he's a know it all', 'he doesn't ask me about me', etc. I was sure she was going to end things, then she tells me that they're having lots of sex and not using protection, intentionally.

 

She's 37, he's 39. I told her, I know you've finally decided you want a kid and that's exciting! But if you just wait a little longer, you may find the person who can give you that AND you want to share your life with, will better for you, the kid, everyone involved, etc. She came around a month later and thanked me for talking sense into her, but when prodded I found that she still wasn't using protection. At this point, 3 months in, all I was hearing were negative things about him, and she was still actively pursuing getting pregnant with him. So, you know how it goes, I get the call after Xmas, she's pregnant. Things were fine for a while, they even started looking for houses and put an offer on one. Meanwhile, she's still annoyed with him a lot, but going with it because of the baby, I think, and because she really doesn't want to be a single mom. Then a day after they put the offer in, he freaks out, has some anxiety attacks, and cancels the offer.

 

Back story, they've already gotten to the point where they are insulting to each other, but it's not gotten so bad, just him calling her crazy here and there, and granted all I know is what she tells me, I don't really know this guy. After the house offer fallout, it gets worse, seemingly. He starts telling her she's crazy all the time, doesn't even want to go see her at her house unless one of her friends is there too, asking for our numbers and such. She's saying things like, she doesn't trust him and she thinks he could "pull something", but she won't describe what that something could be. I've known her 8 years; she may be a little hard to handle sometimes, moody, but she is not 'crazy' or scary to be around. It seems like a wild overreaction on his part, which then makes her feel crazy and she probably does then act a little out of sorts, no more than yelling. Bottom line, I just don't think they're a good pair, unfortunately, particularly for this kid

 

I think it's a combination of several things. Pregnancy hormones in the first trimester are rough. They don't know each other at all. They did all of this way too soon. I am starting to think they don't even like each other.

 

What I know is that my dear friend is pregnant, and alone, living in a house by herself that she can't stand, unable to afford this on her own, far away from family. Feeling like I am her only friend (not true). After her and her boyfriend's last argument, she stormed out of his house, and neither have called the other since. It's been 5 days. She can't sleep. She refuses to call him because she feels he was in the wrong, and that he should call. (I know, immature) The argument was something over him accusing her of being a liar because he tried calling her and she didn't pick up, told him she didn't hear it ring, which is the truth, but he called her a liar, and a narcissist? She says he just kept yelling over and over that she was a liar. Because she didn't pick up the phone when he rang, and it took her 5 minutes to call him back.

 

I feel like she's being psychologically beat down. I also know she's 37 and some of these things seem like childish games. When they're about to have a child. I think this is probably the only reason she is still engaging with him, is because she's pregnant. I want her to be able to relax and enjoy being pregnant, talk to that baby in her belly, dream about what he/she will be like, think of names, etc. Instead I feel like she's wrapped up in these negative things, and that can't be good for the baby either.

 

She's also starting to get irrational. She has a history of kind of being this way, but it's been worse lately. She texted me the other night, "Shannon is a b*&^h". I asked why and she went into a rant about how she would't help change her litter box. Come to find out, Shannon did offer to help change it, but when the offer didn't come quickly enough, she got mad and refused. And then tells me that Shannon won't help her, and this is what she tells herself and believes. I think she was probably more mad that she had to ask her in the first place, because her boyfriend is the one who is really supposed to be helping her and he's not even around.

 

I should add, he's ex-military and has been diagnosed with PTSD and has severe anxiety. I don't know anything else about his history, or his upbringing.

 

I just sense her unhinging a little. And I think it majorly has to do with these scuffles with her and her boyfriend. Probably hormones too. I don't know what to do to support her, besides just be around for her, which I will. Any suggestions?

 

Thanks for reading this long post. It's weighing on me these days.

[margyface]

Sorry to say, but I don't think there's really anything you can do. Your friend is an adult and is capable of making her own decisions. She chose to get pregnant (or at least to stop using protection during sex), despite your advice.

Being in a toxic relationship and being pregnant can be taxing on the mind, causing emotional instability. She needs to somehow get away from this. Perhaps she should go visit her parents for a while. Or go on a retreat.

 

She needs to decide whether she can be strong and stand on her own feet as a single mother because that's the direction she seems to be heading in.

Unfortunately, your friend needs to take responsibility.

 

You can only advise her so much.

[haliescharlie]

I would call you a good friend, and it's touching to know she has someone like you. Unfortunately, the other poster is right. There's not much else you can do besides to be there for her like you have been and continue to advise her.

 

Your friend has brought this upon herself. Her biological clock was ticking and would take anyone she could get, then hope maybe they could get along. I'm not surprised the situation has turned out the way it did, and probably so are you a little bit, despite wishing the best for her.

 

Maybe you could drop hints, like "maybe you should leave him" "he is treating you poorly, why are you with him?" to help her realize this relationship isn't working and she needs to do something about it. It is up to her to take any advice you have to offer and you can't force her to do anything, as much as you might want her to dump his a$$.

[chickadeedee]

First, I think you have some boundary issues of your own. Remember, this woman is an adult and makes her own choices, and this is HER relationship and not yours, and you shouldn't get so deeply enmeshed in all their drama. This woman made a choice that she didn't care who the man was, she just wanted to have a child and play house, so if now it is not turning out as she hoped, it is a learning experience for her and up to her to deal with.

 

So i suggest that you do is to step back and not be so involved in her every little drama and detail. The world is now full of single parents (in fact there are more unwed people having babies than married people these days), and she can and will figure it out. My suggestion is that rather than you getting dragged into all tlhe emotion and drama, you focus on the practical when giving her advice. For example, if the house is too expensive because he dropped out, then start suggesting she look for another single mother who might want to share the house with her to help with expenses.

 

And if she seems stressed out, then suggest she do something to relieve the stress, as in, 'have you considered some yoga classes or pre-natal support groups for pregnant women'? Try to get her focused on practical ways to deal with things, rather than endless rehashing of emotional issues.

 

And the idea that you 'want' her to have a nice relaxing pregnancy? Well, that is a fantasy on both your parts isn't it given the way she chose to get pregnant with a man she hardly knew and who turns out to not be a good match for her. We reap what we sow, and she made some unwise choices and now has to deal with them.

 

So focus on your own life, and she has to focus on her own. And don't allow yourself to get sucked into these endless 'poor me' negatvity sessions with her. You're not her mother or her therapist, and she's a big girl and makes her own choices and needs to live by them. If they don't get along, they don't get along, and even if they don't end up being a couple, this baby is coming and your friend needs to focus on being a good mother and forget about the rest rather than playing out her little soap opera in your lap all the time.

[daisybush]

he simply refusing his responsibility, you must ask him direct whether he is going to accept this child or not else you should find other way to get rid of this.