I Feel Like Giving Up

[Kate L]

I have very low self-esteem due to 20 years of being abused. I am in college now, but it seems like i will never be normal. I have perfect grades, but i am terrified of interacting with people. I have anxiety and sometimes i can't sleep. When i am around my friends they treat me like a baby. They enjoy making decisions for me and sometimes they say I'm not as smart as them. When i make mistakes they correct me.

They make sarcastic comments about everything that i do. My friend was in a dance performance. She kept talking about how she did such a bad job. Then she asked me about her performance. I told that it wasn't that bad. She yelled at me an accused me of buttering her up in front of everyone. That was my honest opinion so now i keep my thoughts to myself. They spend hours bragging and trying to prove that everyone wants to be like them. Most of this is directed at me. They get so upset when they discover that we like the same things. They weren't always like this. They talk about how they both value empathy and helping others. Its like they can't see how they treat me. I feel like i have to conceal who i am so that they can feel unique and powerful. They get so offended when i say no to them. I feel like i can't talk to them about this because they get offended easily.

I told them that i was abused growing up and i told them that I'm trying to recover from the effects of it. Now they are using my past to define who i am. One of my friends randomly called me crazy. That comment hurt me so badly. Every group of people that i meet ends up treating me the same way. I feel like trying to improve myself is pointless because i will never be good enough. Why live if I'm going to keep running into the same type of person. I feel like giving up on life.

[1a1a]

Firstly *Jedi Hugs* Abuse is ty, and so are your current friends.

 

I think you might get some good ideas from this Captain Awkward letter reply about getting out there and trying to meet some new people and maybe make some better friends and picking up some fun new activities in the process. Definitely leaning towards, meet some more people, try for a new friend or two, fade the current friends away to some time friends and call them out when they say stuff that hurts your feelings. "You're crazy" "Wow, that's really mean thing to say".

 

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[Cheetarah]

Every group of people that i meet ends up treating me the same way. I feel like trying to improve myself is pointless because i will never be good enough. Why live if I'm going to keep running into the same type of person. I feel like giving up on life.

 

Your first sentence, it isn't a coincidence. It is a 'side effect' of poor/non-existent boundaries and a sense of low self-worth because of the abuse you experienced. It's one big old circle that often repeats itself time and time again. You will meet all kinds of people. When we sharpen our perceptions and strengthen our boundaries, we don't keep those kinds of people around for the long-term. It's not that they're the only kind you are meeting. It is that on some level, it's familiar therefore a part of you is drawn to it.

 

I see where you say what they have said to you and how they have treated you and I don't see where you took a stand for yourself. I see instead, that you conceal your real thoughts and opinions to please them or keep them off your back. I see they insult you. And you're right, these are hurtful things. But you know what else? You don't have to deal with it. You can choose not to be a victim to them or anyone else like them. You can empower yourself!

 

That's the power you have as an adult that you didn't have as a child. You have a voice and a right to use it. That's really hard to accept and even harder to exercise, but that's certainly one major aspect of recovering from abuse. Do you have a therapist?

[Kate L]

Thank you for your post. No, i don't have a therapist. I hope to find one soon. This whole counseling thing is new to me. My parents were in a religious cult for seven years and we were only allowed to seek counseling from the leader.