She was confused about us, so just ended it... I wasn't ready

[Jmal1994]

Dear eNotAlone

 

The past couple of days have been hard for myself, my girlfriend and I split up on far from neutral terms, we are both only 20 and at separate universities, but both live at home within two miles of each other.

 

We split up because she said she was confused about everything in her life, like her university work, her home life and her relationship, especially what her future would hold for her.

 

We had drifted apart previously in the past weeks, where I became slightly jealous that she was texting another male, from her university,whilst she would spend time with me, we would spend rarely anytime together due to busy schedules, when she was with me, she wasn't actually there with me

 

We had decided on space, for her to gather her emotions, I wrote her a letter to tell her my feelings and confusions about the situation and I dropped it off to her house, only to find that this guy she was texting was upstairs with her during this 'space' period. My plan to drop it off and leave didn't work, I knew it was now or never to save this relationship, I couldn't go on feeling this distraught

 

She said she just needed to be on her own, to get through things alone, she has completely shut herself off from the rest of her family, including her mum who is distraught that their relationship has also declined. She said she still loves me and wants to be friends in the future, but I refused, the only way that would be possible for me, is if she truly saw another future for the both of us together.

 

The thing is, I just wasn't ready to hear that, after two and a half years of solid love, we would tell each other everything, become so comfortable with each other and even discuss our future. My heart was just torn out and ripped to shreds in an instant, I said goodbye, I was a mess, she was a mess.

 

I don't know what will happen, I really would love to have her back, but would it be right? I'm so confused about what happened, she is my first love and I was hers, we even gave each other our virginities, but now it just seems everything we've worked for is gone. I just need advice please

[Denguin]

I'm sorry to hear of your situation. I don't think there's anyway to sugar coat that she's lost interest in you, and has potentially found someone else in this guy. I don't like to say it, but welcome to the club. There are a lot of us that have been through your shoes over the years (myself over a recent LTR breakup included).

 

This is the best advice you'll get: give her space, and do not contact her for the next little while. Don't fall into the trap most of us have and go begging/pleading for her to come back to you - it simply will not happen if you do that. In fact, you'll diminish any chance of getting back together with her in the future by staying in her life. You did well by refusing her friendship... that's just a way to let you down lightly. The advice seems counter-intuitive, but I urge you to trust us. Like I just told you, I just went through this exact same thing, and I truly wish I took the advice given out on these boards regarding similar situations.

 

She needs a chance to see what life would be like without you. It's not easy for anyone to lose someone who has been such a huge part of their life. By keeping you around, she's able to keep you around AND potentially explore other options. At this stage, anything you say or do will NOT influence the situation in a positive way, and will only harm your current position.

 

You need to remember that everything you've worked for hasn't gone to waste. You've learned an infinite amount about yourself, your partner, relationships, love, sex, etc. It'll make you a better person in the long run, believe me.

[Jmal1994]

I'm just so confused, it was only a week ago she said she wanted to be with me forever, and now she doesn't. The fact that she has completely shut herself away from her nearest and dearest is what gets to me the most, any issue I've ever had, she'd talk me through it and be that shoulder to cry on

 

I understand that she has lost interest in me, but I'd just like to know where and when this happened, because not knowing is what is hurting me the most. Our sex life wasn't great, we'd have sex once a month, and I recently spoke to her about this, but she cited stress and being tired as the reasons for this.

 

Also, The fact that my bond with her family was so strong, even stronger than the bond with my own is another issue for me, I've just lost some really great people from my life, and as much as they bawled their eyes out to me yesterday, she just remained distant.

 

I had asked her to sort my things out at her house for me to retrieve, she gave them to me, but when I returned to allay the worries of her brother, I found that she'd left two items of my clothing on her bed, it seems like she's still trying to hang on, when she's said there is nothing left at the moment. She partied last night with her friends, and I think that's what she is missing, that sense of independence, I hope she realises though that she should never let go of her family, she is unable though to move away for university due to limited funds (£800 a year loan to pay for £300 a month rent)

 

I hope everything does pull through for her, and that she would never say no to returning to our relationship, I told her that being friends isn't going to happen, unless there is the absolute belief that this relationship can work again, I believe it can, I'm not fussed about the lack of sex, or her stresses at university, I love this girl, I'm going NC definitely, she'll have to come to me if she wants to talk, I'm willing to wait, but am also looking to move on in the meantime, I just don't know how to

[palmer14]

Same kind of thing happened to me recently. She was confused and had doubtful feelings about us for awhile, but she always kept telling me how much she loved me and never wanted to be without me. Then she started distancing herself to the point I had to say it wasn't going to work like this, and she called it off. You did the right thing in saying no to friends, I couldn't do that at the time but I haven't talked to her since we broke up.

 

I think sometimes things just kind of end. The only way to get over her and think about it more clearly is definitely to go NC for a good chunk of time. Get used to not having her in your life, and improve on yourself and maybe she will eventually start to miss you and want what you had back, that's what I am telling myself anyways, but don't get your hopes up about it. Down the line she might realize she made a mistake but for now she just doesn't want to be with you.