Will I ever be able to get over my boyfriend of 6 years breaking up with me?

[blueflames]

Hi, everyone. This forum was recommended to me and this is my first post here. Basically, my boyfriend of 6 years decided shortly before Christmas that we needed to break up. I was devastated and honestly didn't see it coming at all. I was so sure I was going to end up married to him and starting a family with him. But he still texted me and such, and I still kept up communication with him, stupidly clinging to some hope that we would be getting back together soon. There were periods in there where I tried to go "no contact" but I would fail once he texted me and at one point I initiated contact because I was weak. And didn't want him out of my life completely. And I thought we would be getting back together. When I asked if there was someone else, he denied it. A couple times I tried to bring up getting back together, only to get shut down when he said that's not what he wanted at that point. He had said during the initial break-up that we might find our way back to each other in the near or distant future, and that regardless he would "always love me," so this is why I had hope.

 

Well, yesterday he finally admitted to me that he has been seeing somebody else. He says they did not get together until after we broke up, and that he didn't end things with me for her, but I have serious doubts about that. And so because of that, I got my heart stomped on all over again. He says he still really wants to be friends and would be really upset if I chose not to be. I decided that remaining friends would not be good for me in terms of healing, and I told him as much yesterday, but that maybe some point later on I'll be able to be friends with him without pain. And then I resolved to go NC and stick with it. So today is day 1 of that.

 

I woke up today mostly just feeling really ANGRY at him and everything he has done to me. And part of me wants to just give him a piece of my mind. But that's probably not a good idea in the long run, right? I don't think it would be good to break NC. It just feels so unfair that everything is going great for him and he has this new girlfriend and life is hunky dory, and here I am over here miserable. But I'm so pathetic that if he realizes his new girl can never compare to me and tells me he made a huge mistake and wants me back, I'd take him back in a second. It won't happen but it's sad that even after everything, I still want this.

 

I guess what I am wondering is will I ever be able to get over this? 6 years is a long time to be able to get over. My ex was really easy to talk to and be myself around in a way that no other guy has been, and I'm wondering if I'll ever find that again. It seems hopeless at this point. And is No Contact really the best way for me to heal? Sometimes I think it'll cause me to obsess about him more and wonder why he doesn't try to get in touch with me.

[kbbcoop77]

Please read this online guide:

link removed

It really helped me in the early days and I still reread it at times. My wife left me 11 months ago after 24 years, left me and our daughter. Will you heal? Yes. How soon? Everyone varies but a lot of the time required is up to you. Forget his offer of friendship that's just him trying to relieve his guilt and make himself feel better. It's all about you and your healing now. You can do this! It'll take time but most everyone goes through this and survive, usually a stronger person.

Take care

[Willywagtail]

Yes, you will heal. But as you can imagine the first few months are always the worst.

 

When my marriage of 12 years broke up - and it was slightly unexpected - I felt like my heart had been torn from my chest. He was happy to be separated and was dating, etc, and I was feeling totally and utterly broken. Like you I kept thinking about him having a good time and me being at home in the foetal position on the couch. He was really cold and uncaring, and I felt as if I would never get over it the anguish was so bad.

 

It does take time for these feelings to ease. It helps to have no contact with them and not to follow them on social media. It also helps to put away photos, mementos and other things. I actually started to get rid of the clothes I'd worn when we were together, just so I could have a fresh view of myself.

 

What really helps - or helped me - is to know that it's a process that NEEDS to happen in order for us to heal. It's not linear and there were days and sometimes months where I felt as if I'd progressed, only to have something happen and feel like I was back where I started. But I wasn't. There was progress no matter how small.

 

Talk to your friends and family - keep them close. Don't be shy to cry and grieve with them. Be kind to yourself and keep your expectations realistic. It takes time and often we get impatient for it to be over so we can feel normal again.

 

You will heal. And you'll be better for it.

[Grace696]

Hi blueflames,

 

I'm sorry you are going through this. Some great advice from others above. I know it feels like you won't ever get over this, but you will. My boyfriend of 6.5 years broke up with me 4 years ago and I thought I would never really get over it, but I have. You will too. It might take a long time (for me it took a very long time) but it's a process you are moving through and it will get better. Try to be kind to yourself. Other suggestions/ideas/reinforcements of things others have said:

 

-Stick to NC. This includes any and all snooping on social media. Best to defriend and block.

-Don't try to be friends. Maybe you'll be able to be friends with him later down the track, but not now.

-Focus on you and your life and what you want to achieve as much as you can. Make a list of new things you might want to try, and when you feel up to it, give one of them a go. When I was dumped I did this and I ended up joining a choir and rediscovering a new love of singing.

-Go to counselling/therapy if you feel it will help.

-Read posts on here and post your own. It's a really supportive community.

-Try not to dwell on hopes of reconciliation. (It took me so long to let this go..)

-Try to focus on the future and anticipate a future where you are over him and happy.

-Exercise.

-Meditation and yoga were really helpful for me.

-Cry and grieve and allow the feelings to pass through - ride the wave, knowing it will pass.

-There are lots of great books about loss/breakups/grieving.

 

Good luck. You will get through this! Hugs and all best wishes.

[sky09]

^ ditto, Gollum. 5 years here. It was/is hard. She, too, hit the dating scene and found a new love object very soon. Once you read some on this forum, you will find out that dumpers have disconnected a while back. However, do not place too much value on happy facebook pictures. I doubt he doesn't think about you still. Do not take this as hope, however. You do not need him back in your life. At least not in this condition. He needs to do some work that doesn't involve shagging another female.

Seize this opportunity as a learning experience. You are definitely not alone.

[blueflames]

Thank you all so much for all the support. I don't really have friends where I am currently living (a consequence of investing so much time in my relationship), so I don't have anybody to talk to or hang out with to take my mind off of things. So your support has really helped. It seems like it's going to be a long, hard road ahead, but I guess I'll try to take it one day at a time.

[funkydreadly]

blueflames, this happened to me just now. I'm terrified that my story will turn out like yours, that she'll find someone else. Although she admitted that the reason she was doing that was because she saw herself starting her new life alone (she's just about to start residency as a doctor). I was looking forwards of being there for here in the beginning. I want to maximise the chance of reconciliation.

 

I cried loads and said goodbye and she cried with me, and then she left and I thought that would be the last I was going to see of her. But then I got a second chance. I was forced to see her again for another 2h before she disappeared forever. I decided not to cry and to be her "boyfriend" for those two hours, the one she always loved. I reminded her that she will never be able to find someone that fits with her as perfectly as I do (she admitted it herself). She started doubting the break up and even considered going back home with me but I stopped her there. She needs to take this time out if we want to survive in the long term and I told her to go home, and the last she saw of me was with a smile. It was only after she was gone that I broke down again. It was terrible, having to say goodbye TWICE, but maybe, MAYBE, I might have saved the relationship.

 

This post has helped me realise you and I MUST continue as if I'll never see her again, it's the only chance we have of getting over them. and kbbcoop, thank you. that link is very useful.

[blueflames]

funkydreadly, you seem very strong for being able to do what you did. Yes you are right; we cannot dwell on hope.

 

I was wondering if anybody had any advice for what to do about feeling blame for the break-up. Today instead of the anger I felt yesterday I found myself instead ruminating about things I may have done to cause him to pull away and end the relationship. While it is true as I said above that I didn't see the break-up coming, I'd be lying if I said there weren't issues. I just thought they were little things that we could work through and certainly not worth breaking up over. But thinking back on it today, I definitely could have been a better girlfriend than I was. I don't want to elaborate on all my shortcomings as a girlfriend here because it will probably just make me feel worse, but I was wondering if anybody has felt similarly because it is sort of hard to move on when you find yourself thinking "well if I had just done x, y, and z I wouldn't be in this situation in the first place and we'd still be happily together." While it makes it easier for purposes of moving on to do as I did yesterday and place all the blame on your ex, when your thoughts circle back to what you did wrong, how are you supposed to just stick with No Contact and move on? Part of me wants to contact him now and apologize for everything. But then I'd be breaking NC and I don't really know how beneficial it would be in the long run.

[Willywagtail]

Yes, I have most definitely felt the same way you do blueflames.

 

I probably spent more than a few months in self flagellation. My own faults and my own deficiencies became my closest friends. My ex left me without much warning either. Similarly, there were things in the relationship that were difficult, but like you I though we were just going through a bad period and that when we dealt with them it would be OK. I'm now well past the grieving period, and don't blame myself any more - I know I contributed, but I don't blame myself. In effect, i did the best that I could at that time.

 

Generally, a relationship break up is no one person's fault. We like to think that the other person did us wrong, but equally the same could be said of us. I think its important to tell yourself that we're all human, and that as human beings we all have flaws. This is part of the human condition - accepting our own flaws and being more compassionate about other people's failings.

 

What you're experiencing is a normal part of the grieving process, and it's actually a good one because we get to see how we played a part in the break up.