Kccowill Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 Hey everyone, so I am new to the forums... I have been going through kind of a rough time and need someone, some people, to talk with. I currently feel like in my marriage we just do not have the connection that we used to have. My wife does not seem interested at all in intimacy of any form. We are lucky to have sex once within a few months and only after I practically badger her about it... We are both still young, I am 31 and she is 30... We have 2 children which I part of what I feel is the problem, I feel like she puts all of her time and energy into them and just neglects us. If it weren't for me giving her a kiss or hugging, it would never happen, she never initiates anything and doesn't seem to care. Does she still love me? Am I doing something wrong? When I try and bring it up she always says the same thing "It isn't you, it's me..." she is very self conscious about her body, she had lost a lot of weight before we had children and she gained a bit back from the pregnancies. She is still a lot thinner than she was before she lost all the weight, I still find her very attractive and tell her that, but it doesn't seem to change anything. I am starting to question where our marriage is heading, it make it all the more difficult since we have two kids... What do I need to do, or what am I doing wrong? Please help me. Link to comment
Kalika Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 Well, what has she done about this situation? Seen a Dr.? Gone to a counselor? Tried to make date nights? Link to comment
zebragirl Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 Search under my profile, similar situation, only I'm the woman. He's not resistant though and I think there's still hope. Have you sat down and really had a serious conversation about how you feel with with? (with the kids busy so they won't be a distraction?) I know only too well how kids can change things in a marriage when the focus is on raising them. As mom's we kind of lose ourselves. I was depressed for a few years and raising our daughter(just have one) but somehow last year I woke up and realized what's happened to us. Our daughter is only 4 so still in the trenches. But I realized our marriage lost its passion. It's hard. But it doesn't mean all is lost. Seriously the first thing you need to do is get a sitter and have a deep conversation with your wife. Don't blame. Tell her you love her and how attractive she is, the tell her how much you miss the two of you. Tell her you know things are different now because you have kids but that you don't want to lose the two of you . If she seems responsive but like she's just been overwhelmed, tired etc. Then I think you've got a good chance. Make date nights. I never thought it was important the first 3 years and neither did my husband. But it is. You might have to make most of the effort at first, setting up dates and finding a sitter, romance her. Hopefully she'll see you mean what you said that the two of you are important. Remember that for woman foreplay begins in the kitchen not the bedroom. By that I mean when she sees you help out around the house and stop to kiss or hug her and keep helping, then when you do those date night you've done a lot of prep work. You can't just go on a date and expect it to get better if she's doing all the work with the kids and feeling overwhelmed and tired. What I mean is if her needs outside the bedroom aren't met she won't feel all that passionate about you either. It really does take two. I hope she listens and sees that you love her and want the passion and intimacy back. It won't ever be like it was before kids or when you first got married but it can be great. Have hope. I know it's possible, at least I want to believe so. Link to comment
Kccowill Posted January 31, 2015 Author Share Posted January 31, 2015 Thanks for this muddygrl... We have done date nights, and I have talked to her 1 on 1 about it. Our children are 15mos and 3 and a half. They are a handful, and keep us busy all the time, plus it doesn't help that we love with her dad, so we don't have a lot of privacy, but we have made it work before... I just don't feel like she care about me, I don't ever get an "I love you" or "goodnight" from her, unless I say it first, just like kissing or hugging, it feels like she doesn't like me touching her because she doesn't like how she looks, but then she isn't doing anything about it and I know she can... I love her the way she is, I just feel like she keeps pushing me away... Link to comment
Lester Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 I assume it wasn't always like this; when did it get bad and what did she say? Link to comment
zebragirl Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 Yes what did she in response when you've brought up these issues to her? Link to comment
Kccowill Posted February 2, 2015 Author Share Posted February 2, 2015 Yes what did she in response when you've brought up these issues to her? When I brought it up and we talked about it she assured me that she just wasn't happy with her physical appearance and it wasn't me, I told her that I love her and find her attractive no matter what, I think one of the reasons may be that I also used to be heavier but have lost a lot of weight and kept it off, so now maybe she thinks I am not attracted to her because of that? Link to comment
Jarrah Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 When I brought it up and we talked about it she assured me that she just wasn't happy with her physical appearance and it wasn't me, I told her that I love her and find her attractive no matter what, I think one of the reasons may be that I also used to be heavier but have lost a lot of weight and kept it off, so now maybe she thinks I am not attracted to her because of that? I remember this period of child rearing very well. I had the first 2, two years apart and the 2nd one, although a lovely baby and child, was very demanding and required my full attention. I actually felt sorry for my eldest and my husband. This went on for about 4 years until he chilled out and turned full circle and became a relaxed little guy. I just wanted to say that I can fully relate to what your wife is going thru. We have a fantastic gym at home but I could not get 2 minutes to myself to even use it. By the time hubby got home from work, I was exhausted and just wanted to get the kids into bed and crash there myself. I also breast fed my children till they self weaned and generally, sex is the last thing on your mind when you are still nursing. So, this is what I ended up doing when the youngest was around 2 years old...for my own sanity, I put him in the creche at a gym for 1 1/2 hours and I worked out. After a few months, I felt much better about myself and wished I'd done it much sooner. Sex resumed and we ended up having a 3rd child when the 2nd one was 4 years old! I agree with the above posts. If my hubby cleaned the house, did the dishes, gave me a few hours off, then that would make a world of difference. Just surprise her. Have the grandparents or aunt or uncle watch the kids, and tell your wife to take time for herself, dress up and take her to somewhere nice...her fav restaurant or a band that she like. If she likes a glass of wine, tell her it's her night (and morning) off so indulge. You sound like a lovely guy...just be persistent and stay nice. These days of raising toddlers won't last forever. Link to comment
kiara7 Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 Sounds like you are already putting much effort, which is great. Make sure she isn't clinically depressed. How is she in her daily routine? Is she happy, or is irritated and sad more than she was before? Does she feel fatigued? Go see a doctor if you feel it might be the case. Wish you the best! Link to comment
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