Going for a meal with ex

[rich1]

After lots of on again off again NC with the ex my therapist advised simply asking the ex out for a drink. She said if she said no, I could move forward, if she said yes, I have my chance to show her the new me. I was cautious of this advice and decided to mull it over.

 

The ex and I spoke about financial commitments before she began asking about my new job, how I was doing etc. I decided to go for it and said it would be nice to catch up in person and have a drink. She agreed.

 

After minimal contact in the coming says I floated the idea of getting a meal too. She didn't respond for a few days (which threw my anxiety through the roof) then aplogised saying she hadnt spotted the message sooner, but that yes dinner would be fine too.

 

Im not getting my hopes up (despite the nagging questioning why she would agree) I'm going on Friday, I'm going to be Mr cool, light hearted and no breakup talk.

 

I'm not 100% healed but I know now that I want her, which is very different to needing her. NC isn't always the best way forward, but if I had any advice for anyone who is at least doing LC like I am its this:

 

Don't over analyse everything, you're not a mind reader.

Don't under any circumstances have a negative conversation.

Dont bug them every day.

Continue to focus on how YOU can get better.

 

What will be will be

[Brokenhart84]

That's great! From what I've been reading, you should keep the first meeting short. It helps you from going into a discussion about the breakup.

 

How long were you guys together? When did you guys break up? Did you start NC initially after the breakup? Did she break up with you or did you break up with her?

 

Have you been working on your anxiety?

[HamHam]

I just wanted to reiterate that statement. I can tell you that the steps to a reconciliation for my ex and I wouldn't have worked out if it wasn't for keeping in touch.

[Brokenhart84]

I just wanted to reiterate that statement. I can tell you that the steps to a reconciliation for my ex and I wouldn't have worked out if it wasn't for keeping in touch.

 

Interesting. Is there a thread that elaborates on this? What if your ex isn't initiating contact with you? However, responds when you contact them. My ex never asked to be friends. He just said for me to call him if I needed anything. I haven't contacted him in 22 days and plan on sticking to it. The only possible contact I will have is him possibly sending me a birthday message. Otherwise I don't think he will and I honestly can't talk to him by voice right now. We were also long distance(1 hour 45 minutes away) I do plan on writing him a letter in March. Seems like a long time from now but I know I would be in a better place emotionally.

[rich1]

That's great! From what I've been reading, you should keep the first meeting short. It helps you from going into a discussion about the breakup.

 

How long were you guys together? When did you guys break up? Did you start NC initially after the breakup? Did she break up with you or did you break up with her?

 

Have you been working on your anxiety?

 

Yeah, we are looking at an hour tops.

 

We were together for 5.5 years, broke up at the end of November. I did the whole begging and pleading thing, then got angry, then at the end of December I told her I'd had enough and wanted to move on.

 

We've had a few short talks during which I've said how well I'm doing, and how I recognise how bad I'd gotten.

 

I've been in therapy for anxiety and depression since the start of December. I read men are from Mars and women are from Venus by John gray - it really helped me see the things I did wrong in the relationship!!

[Aurelia34]

Yeah, we are looking at an hour tops.

 

We were together for 5.5 years, broke up at the end of November. I did the whole begging and pleading thing, then got angry, then at the end of December I told her I'd had enough and wanted to move on.

 

We've had a few short talks during which I've said how well I'm doing, and how I recognise how bad I'd gotten.

 

I've been in therapy for anxiety and depression since the start of December. I read men are from Mars and women are from Venus by John gray - it really helped me see the things I did wrong in the relationship!!

 

I'm really pleased for you. take it nice and slow and make an effort to show how much you appreciate having her in your life.

 

I was in your girlfriends shoes recently (with boyfriend for 4 years), and we split up over a month ago. I made no contact to give him space, and then he showed up at my door yesterday after driving 200 miles to see me.

 

Take care.

[rich1]

Thanks

 

As I said I'm not reading into it at all. She doesn't really engage me in conversation too much when I try, but then she did agree to meet. The only thing that can ruin this is me.

[Aurelia34]

I would also suggest that you take her to one of your therapy sessions to show you are serious about changing. My boyfriend was depressed too and we will only take you seriously if you show us how you are doing it.

[Aurelia34]

Thanks

 

As I said I'm not reading into it at all. She doesn't really engage me in conversation too much when I try, but then she did agree to meet. The only thing that can ruin this is me.

 

Yes that's right. actions speak louder than words.... I know how your girlfriend feels.

[rich1]

Thanks for the advice. I think at this point asking her along would be pressure. A word she has used a lot. Its way too soon to ask her to participate in something like that.

 

I have actively told her that I was emotionally closed off and unsupportive. And those two are biggies to fix after 5 years of my neglect.

 

If we get to the point where we discuss the relationship (and only if she brings it up) then by all means I will tell her exactly what is going on. But for the time being I'm trying to be a better version of the guy she fell for all those years ago.

 

I was always scared to show her my emotions because I grew up in an environment where emotions in a boy was weakness. Its impossible to explain to her that I felt the love even though I didn't show it.

 

Actions do indeed speak louder than words. I'm trying hard with the positive thinking, although the anxiety works against that - your inner demons convince you that they are only meeting up to be polite and talk business for example

[157]

Good luck! I hope it is the start of something positive for you. Low pressure is definitely good. I can tell by the way you put it that maybe your ex felt responsible for your emotional state and that was too much pressure. Invitations to emotionally charged sessions would probably be a bit too serious early on, I agree. After a first meeting, you may find that it was positive, and great. However, you will probably have a lot of questions afterwards, about how significant this or that thing she said was... I guess these things never go in a straight line, so I would try to be happy with victory of the positive interaction. Just my recent experience. Trying to compare contact from before and after the first meeting which was fairly positive... seems more frequent now, but nothing like being together. I've been doing a lot of overanalyzing, but have managed to stop sometimes. I just try to remember that positive interactions are a step in the right direction, and over-all the last few weeks have been better than the previous month. We broke up in early December, lived together for 3 years.

 

Honestly no contact is silly. You don't want to bug your ex, act desperate and all that, but if you think by disappearing and making them miss you, you are going to get them back... I don't know... sounds immature doesn't it? I agree you have to have some distance, but you should not ignore them. Its just immature and punitive to ignore someone like that. You don't have to jump to their every order, but you should still be accessible to some degree. You initiate some things, they hopefully initiate some things. You don't panic and text them 30 times in a row. If it takes a few days for something to happen, you should be patient (try not to catastrophize, as we all do)... anyway... you get the point... people will disagree, but believe what you want to believe. Keep it low pressure, don't contact them a lot; let them sort of set the pace there, but don't make them initiate everything either, or worse ignore them, because that is punitive, and who wants to be with someone who punishes them; that's called controlling. And that my friends, is what you call a run-on sentence.

 

Best of luck!!!!!

[rich1]

I called it off!

 

She takes 12 hours to reply to my Facebook messages despite being active (liking friend's posts) I'm obviously so far down the priority list.

 

The initial contact was initiated by me, she still seems cold and uninterested. I made my apology and said I couldn't make it. Read buy no reply.

 

Any reconciliation needs to come from her, why set myself up for what she may see as a meeting to discuss money? We can do that over text.

[Batya33]

It's interesting that you want to improve how you communicate with this person but you rely on texting/typing for something as important as seeing each other face to face for the first time since the break up. (And by the way it takes me far longer to open a FB message and reply then to click "like" on a post - could be a hundred reasons why she did that first).

 

It sounds like you were looking for an excuse to get out of it - maybe you didn't want to risk this kind of discussion or confrontation (understandable).

[rich1]

I see where you're coming from. But she doesn't engage me in conversation...at all. Her answers are polite and to the point.

 

Last time we reconciled I couldn't shut her up! I feel like I'm not a priority right now. I'd love nothing more than to go and spend time with her, but why bother when I feel like I'm twisting her arm?

[Batya33]

I see where you're coming from. But she doesn't engage me in conversation...at all. Her answers are polite and to the point.

 

Last time we reconciled I couldn't shut her up! I feel like I'm not a priority right now. I'd love nothing more than to go and spend time with her, but why bother when I feel like I'm twisting her arm?

 

Because you're not a priority -you're someone she used to date/be involved with. I agree that she should show up for the dinner and behave in a pleasant way -I'm not sure why she had to keep in touch with you in the meanwhile -she has a life as do you. If you two had agreed to meet so you could see if you should reconcile then yes she should take it more seriously but it sounds like all you did was ask her to meet up and she agreed to.

[rich1]

I'm not expecting to be a priority. I expect her to be civil, she doesn't talk to me unless its about money or she needs something.

 

Ive known her for 6 years, her phone is like an extension of her, I certainly know when she is avoiding someone.

 

She read the "I can't make it message" immediately, 3 hours later no response, its obvious she isn't bothered, so why should I go with the hope of reconciliation when to her its like going to the dentist?

[Batya33]

I'm not expecting to be a priority. I expect her to be civil, she doesn't talk to me unless its about money or she needs something.

 

Ive known her for 6 years, her phone is like an extension of her, I certainly know when she is avoiding someone.

 

She read the "I can't make it message" immediately, 3 hours later no response, its obvious she isn't bothered, so why should I go with the hope of reconciliation when to her its like going to the dentist?

 

Because 3 hours is nothing. Unless you actually talk with her on the phone and say nicely "it sounds like you feel obligated to meet up - if so then let's not meet up, ok?" You're relying on typing and technology and her past habits with her phone - and you claim to want to improve how you communicate and connect with her? It's not obvious as you put it - it's assumptions based on typed words and your timing her responses.

[Clinton]

The thing is, even if you go out to diner you'll still be in limbo. She's not going to commit to a reconciliation and you'll have to chase endlessly with no garuntee of a positive result.

 

Most of us dont have the emotional makeup to do that. We can't be constantly held on a string and feel good about ourselves. It just leads to stress and depression.

 

Best to go NC and if she really wants to, she can contact you. It beats living in a constant state of stress over their motives

[rich1]

That's the thing. At this point she will come back with one of three things.

1. She wants to re arrange

2. She further enquires about financial commitments

3. She says nothing.

 

Only option 1 will have me continuing to initiate contact regarding matters other than financial ones

[Batya33]

Given that you cancelled last minute-ish I doubt she will be in touch - she got your message (or at least read between the lines).

 

My husband didn't call me between our second and third meeting for at least a week- maybe a bit more. I contacted him by email during that time. We had broken up 8 years earlier and had met twice, 8 years later, just to catch up -nothing to do with reconciliation (so not as emotionally fraught as your plan!). But, by meeting two I knew I was interested and sensed he might be too despite that it was platonic.

 

Point is if I had refused to speak with him because of the one-week delay (after the first time he called me a few days later to invite me out for that weekend) it would have been a huge mistake. He had his legitimate reasons for not contacting me and asked if we could get back together the third time we got together.

[chamachama]

So you are "tricking" her into meeting you "just to catch up" for a so called harmless dinner. But in reality you are trying to show her some new side of you that sprang up in 3 months time and have her come back to you. There are too many things wrong with that to even get into. I hope that it works out. But unfortunately it goes against basically everything I know to be true.

 

She broke up with you for a reason. She doesn't want to be with you romantically anymore. And after 5.5 years she broke up with you only a few months ago. During which you've had fairly regular contact with her and have not been able to fully move on and actually heal. Which means she hasn't been able to either. So she sees you (and will see you) as exactly how she saw you when she broke up with you, and has had no real time to think anything different. And there is no way you are any different in such a short time with the contact you've had. And she will see exactly the same guy she broke up with and you are forcing her to see you that way again. It will push her farther away. Not bring her closer. And you are going in under fall pretenses. You aim to get her back, and not just innocently catch up. And she doesn't know that at all.

 

Maybe after this hellish slow moving train wreck fly's off the tracks on Friday, you will finally tell yourself that you've had enough bashing your face into the brick wall and finally start realizing it is OVER and move on.

 

No offense, but your therapist knows next to nothing about healing from a breakup. And he/she should be fired on the spot. Not helping at all telling you to get her to dinner under the guise of harmless catching up.

[chamachama]

Here is a story for you Rich:

 

Stop Looking For The Clown

 

A man found himself in the middle of a long hallway. In the middle of this long hallway was a solitary door. He walked up to the door and knocked on it. It was answered by a clown who proceeded to beat the living daylights out of him.

 

The next day, the gentleman was in the hallway once more, and once more found his way to the door and knocked on it. Again, it was answered by the same clown and again, the clown beat him senseless.

 

This occurred for 4 more days - the man would be in the hallway, go to the door, knock on it, and the clown would answer the door only to beat him senseless once more.

 

On the 7th day, the man was once again in the hallway. He walked up to the door and knocked on it - but no one answered. So, he went looking for the clown.

 

 

p.s. re-read that story on Saturday. Then live by it.... stop looking for the f'ing clown dude. The clown sucks.

[chamachama]

Ohhhh I only read the first page of this thread lol. You called it off! Good man. It would have set you WAYYYY back. It NEVER goes like you imagine it in your mind.

 

Oh and I still think you should fire your therapist. Telling you to get her to dinner with you under false pretenses is totally unprofessional and absolutely ridiculous. The only way it makes sense is if the therapist wants you to hit rock bottom and get so hurt that you decide on your own to stop trying and move on. But that's sort of brutal and not at all conventional.

 

Dude, if she wants to get together with you, she will do exactly that. Nothing you show her now will bring her back. It will do the exact opposite... Glad you are not going through with that nightmare contact scenario. It would NOT have gone the way you hoped and you would have been wishing that you stayed home.

[engraved2008]

I do not know what works the best for every person ...but I can say that for me no contact works the best.You know u want her and will not setlle just for a friendship .I would not be afraid that by not calling her she will forget you. She will not forget you if she loved you at once ...no contact is not immature ,at least for me it means healing my self and moving on .

[chamachama]

Also, the reason you are rationalizing contacting her is so that she won't "forget" you? Does anyone here realize how silly THAT is? If someone, after 5.5 years with their partner "forgets" them in less than 2 years (let alone 3 months)....that relationship was never meant to be in the first place. Get a grip people. Jumping in front of her so that she wont forget him will do one thing. Validate exactly why she broke up with him in the first place.

 

This man is going through the pangs of a breakup and clinging to things that simply are not reality. The reality is that she has moved on in her mind a long time before she even broke up with him. Then she finally worked up the courage to breakup with him and did it. She wants out and nothing he shows her at this point will deter her from achieving her need to move on from him completely and start her own healing process finally. Anything aside from NC that he tries at this point, will end in pain and more anguish. And anyone not supporting his transition from denial to helping himself move on and heal is not doing him any favors.

 

The one thing you don't see Rich is that eventually, this will turn ugly. And if you think things are hard now... just wait. It gets a LOT worse when you leave someone no choice but to be super mean and hurtful toward you in order to split from you... You've been warned brother.