rich1 Posted January 29, 2015 Author Share Posted January 29, 2015 i know she messaged me today apologising for not getting in touch sooner, saying that she is very concerned that she might do or say something that would give me the wrong impression. she said as long as we are friendly when we bump into each other she is happy. I said we either work it out or i cut her out. i explained that its not an ultimatum, more so that im in a good place and the only thing that gets me down now is her. so thats all folks! No LC - she has made her feelings crystal clear so I'm out. Link to comment
chamachama Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 i know she messaged me today apologising for not getting in touch sooner, saying that she is very concerned that she might do or say something that would give me the wrong impression. she said as long as we are friendly when we bump into each other she is happy. I said we either work it out or i cut her out. i explained that its not an ultimatum, more so that im in a good place and the only thing that gets me down now is her. so thats all folks! No LC - she has made her feelings crystal clear so I'm out. Yup, that's exactly what I thought. Rich, this is what you needed to feel in order for you to stop being in denial. Now its time to get that place sold as quickly as possible and take care of the car connection as well. Dude, I am sorry that you needed to get slapped in the face (i.e. beat senseless by the clown again) to get you to snap out of your denial of whats going on. But I am glad it did. And you can tell your therapist to go back to school. Could you imagine if you actually met her for dinner and she shot you down again? What type of therapist tells a patient who's going through a breakup to hold on to false hope instead of move on in a healthy way?! Horrible.... Of course she is concerned about you using a dinner to try and get her back. She doesn't want to get back with you. And she thinks you are pathetic and depressed. So yea...that's the color she painted you as. And that's the color you will stay for a long time until you are able to go completely NC for many many months. As of now, your ex is your ex man. She will stay your ex so long as she is connected to you and in any contact at all. She is not going to change her mind. And nothing you show her or do right now will do anything but make her sure she is doing the right thing. Time to start picking up the pieces and re-build your life without her better than it was before. Your new better life awaits you.... time to take the steps needed to lay the foundations of that new better life. Stop looking for the clown man.... Link to comment
relevart Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Ohhhh I only read the first page of this thread lol. You called it off! Good man. But the clown story still rocked! Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 I think she handled this with grace and integrity. Link to comment
rich1 Posted January 29, 2015 Author Share Posted January 29, 2015 I think she handled this with grace and integrity. Agreed, strange but it makes it worse somehow? Like after all this she still cares enough to spare my feelings. Part of me wants her not to care at all so that its crystal clear. But then how much clearer could it be? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Agreed, strange but it makes it worse somehow? Like after all this she still cares enough to spare my feelings. Part of me wants her not to care at all so that its crystal clear. But then how much clearer could it be? She cares but not in the way you would like her to care. She might want to spare a complete stranger's feelings too. I'm not saying that to make you feel badly just so that you don't start to twist around her good manners to mean that she feels something. She also doesn't want to burn bridges. Link to comment
chamachama Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 But then how much clearer could it be? Can't get clearer. Maybe if she came over, punched you in the face, and had sex with another man in front of you.... that might be clearer. But other than that... yea pretty clear that she doesn't want to be your girlfriend. Link to comment
chamachama Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 Hey also want to say that you WILL get through this man. I am sorry that you contacted her. I am sure it hurts and it set you back again. The sooner you sever those connections with her, and stop the contact and senseless pain that goes with contact, the sooner you will finally start really healing and moving on with your life. She has moved on with hers. Remember that. You are in the past now with her. She is only tied to you by a temporary formality. She doesn't want to be put in a situation with you where she has to hurt you anymore. Thus, she wanted to be sure that a dinner and catching up was really just a dinner and catching up. Unfortunately that was not it at all for you. And she was right to sense that. No more tricks man. No more thinking she is going to magically come to her senses and see you as someone different. It is over now and you are now tied to dead weight (her). Free yourself from the dead weight and start living an awesome new life... Make your life awesome now. That should be your job. Find new things to do. New people to meet. Taste new things travel new places. Sell that house and rent it out and move to an awesome area where lots of cool fun single people live. Workout a lot. Stay healthy. Get healthier. Look better feel better. Do things for YOU now. She is behind you too now. She has no barring on your future... Make that future rock. Oh and for F's sake! Stop looking for that clown now! Ok?! ~Chama Link to comment
rich1 Posted January 30, 2015 Author Share Posted January 30, 2015 haha thanks man. i called her earlier to say ive spoken to the company to void her car insurance as she hasnt sorted changing the address.the finance is in my name and if it gets written off and the insurance doesnt pay out its my problem not heres. she said "I'll try and call them later, but im off out tonight" and it simmered until I emailed her after and let loose. I said im sick of excuses, i dont want to know if she is busy, free, home or out because frankly I dont care. That shes planting the seed of me wondering what shes up to and it isnt fair. the response: "ok. noted. dont contact me at work from now on, you have my personal details" i didnt reply. I dont feel the need to nor want to. Link to comment
chamachama Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 Be careful man. This is looking more and more like it will turn ugly. And trust me when I tell you that a woman scorn or trapped will do things that you never dreamed they would do to make your life a living hell until you finally sever the connections. Just try hard to be indifferent. You "letting loose" on her does the opposite of what you think it does. You being indifferent and just doing whatever it takes to sort the logistics out is your best bet. It will help you in many many ways. Try not to show her any more emotions. Try not to be angry or sad or happy or spiteful. Be calm and calculated and indifferent. I know its tough when she is being cold to you and even trying to show you that she moved on by dropping her hints. And she does that in order to make sure you are not thinking anything else again. Just like the dinner thing. She wants you to move on man. That's what that's about. And dude, she HAS moved on. Believe it. Don't wonder about it. Think to yourself that every night she is actually with someone else. Because chances are that it is exactly whats happening. And the sooner you deal with that reality the better as well. She is not your girlfriend anymore. She can do whatever she wants with who ever she wants. And after 5.5 years? You better believe that she is doing exactly that and more. And you should be too... I mean damn dude... there are so many things (women) you haven't experienced in 5.5 years... Time to start experiencing them... Her "don't contact me at work anymore" tells me a lot btw. Think of that as a warning shot... If you choose to disregard her request, expect things to get VERY ugly. She laid the gauntlet down. Now you need to not fall into the trap. Link to comment
rich1 Posted January 30, 2015 Author Share Posted January 30, 2015 the dont contact me at work actually helps me. it tells me she knows she is in the wrong (shes been nicey nice before) and futhermore, i wont jeapordise my job by not honouring that request. I know indifference is the way, but I just wanted to nip in the bud all of this "ooooh im doing this tomorrow" when I ask her to sort something. I want to move on - I can only do that by not knowing anything about her personal life, like I told her "I dont know, I dont want to know" She gets to feel what its like to not have me in her life AT ALL. I don't care if she has moved on or not, she took a dump on me from a great height. Everyone I talk to tells me I'm a great guy, and that she is acting crazy. I'm 110% convinced she is losing more than me here Link to comment
chamachama Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 she took a dump on me from a great height. LOL! Truth! But if you think she knows she is in the wrong, you are mistaken. Its not "wrong" to want to breakup with someone. If she was cheating on you, yes she would be wrong (and who knows if she did...I am still not 100% convinced that's not the case). But anyway, I don't think you were wrong to not want to hear about her personal life anymore. That's totally fine that you said that to her. And I agree, its not your business anymore and you just want to keep it to logistics. Very cool, and good job. But don't let her think that its because you can't take it. Its because you don't care what she does and its annoying to talk about anything else other than logistics with her... So good job man. Keep going with that. Link to comment
rich1 Posted January 30, 2015 Author Share Posted January 30, 2015 I meant more so that she is in the wrong for doing nothing to try and sort the logisitics and I called her on it. Yes, little slip to imply its because I cant bear to hear about it, but the end result is the same. I'm not part of her life in that way nor her in mine, so her feelings towards me or herself are irrelivent as long as she pays what she needs to Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 I think it's time to have an objective outsider do all the contacting from here on out - you can tell yourself all you want that you're fine because it's her loss but your level of hostility is going to make your financial/business related contact with her far too complicated/dramatic. Link to comment
rich1 Posted February 2, 2015 Author Share Posted February 2, 2015 I'm really starting to get in my own nerves now. She contacted me yesterday about car insurance and she had half assed it. She sucked me into a slanging match as apparently I was talking to her like she is stupid... All I was doing was asking questions. I just can't seem to rise above it! She points out that because I'm in a house with all of her (OUR) possessions, she is free to pick and choose what she wants and I can deduct it from what I owe her from what she doesn't want. I pointed out that I wanted none of this, she left I've made no demands We both said we don't want things to turn ugly, I must say I preferred it when she didn't appear to care! Link to comment
chamachama Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 She doesn't care in that way. She cares that it doesn't "turn ugly" because it sucks to be trying to negotiate when its ugly. Stop rationalizing that she cares. She is in it for herself at this point and doesn't want to make it harder to get what she wants by having things turn ugly. Link to comment
rich1 Posted February 2, 2015 Author Share Posted February 2, 2015 Oh don't get me wrong, I'm not rationalizing at all. I'm 100% that she is out for herself. I'm just frustrated that I rose to her crap. I posted some documents that she requested yesterday and didn't stop when she came to the door. I don't want her to have any excuses to rock the boat. The car is up for sale, until that goes it's a waiting game which is annoying. Colleagues have suggested going to see a mediator to sort joint possessions etc - as that involves spending money I can't see her being too receptive to the idea Link to comment
chamachama Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 Meh... just come up with a list of things that you want. Hand it to her. Done. If she has an issue with 4 things, take two out of the 4 and negotiate. Don't help her with anything either. She is going to be GONE. Remember that. Don't be Mr. Nice guy. Don't be a douche either but don't go out of you way for her anymore. Just get what's yours and be as flexible as you can without giving up important things that are yours by right. Be calculated and calm about it all. And above all, get it all done as fast as possible before things get very ugly and they will get that way the longer it takes. Its not a matter of if. Its a matter of when... Link to comment
rich1 Posted February 3, 2015 Author Share Posted February 3, 2015 I sent the list of items I want earlier I doubt very much that I'll hear from her any time soon and even that will be how much she wants to charge me for said items. I like that I'm getting through the days without wanting to get in touch now - that being said I really don't know what to do with myself on the evening downtime - I nearly joined a gym but I need to keep the bank squeaky clean in the coming months to make sure I can prove to the bank I have money to burn when it comes to taking the house on Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 I sent the list of items I want earlier I doubt very much that I'll hear from her any time soon and even that will be how much she wants to charge me for said items. I like that I'm getting through the days without wanting to get in touch now - that being said I really don't know what to do with myself on the evening downtime - I nearly joined a gym but I need to keep the bank squeaky clean in the coming months to make sure I can prove to the bank I have money to burn when it comes to taking the house on Volunteer work? Link to comment
chamachama Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 link removed has tons of fun groups that meet up and do cool things. I joined a group that serves food to homeless vets (people who have been to war, not pet doctors every other Saturday. I've met some awesome people through that and it definitely helps your mind in a lot of ways. There are all sorts of groups though. Fitness ones and groups that just meet up and socialize etc... Sign up and just see whats near you. Couldn't hurt right? Also you can always join some boxing or martial arts or something along those lines.... not free but definitely a great workout and you get to also meet new interesting dedicated people and do something new and fun... Link to comment
rich1 Posted February 4, 2015 Author Share Posted February 4, 2015 Yeah I need to do something. I can't even tell if I miss her or if I'm just lonely - then BAM - I see her at work and feel crappy (she only see's me happy and smiling though lol) Still nothing back on the list from her despite it being her idea. I did say I was going to start binning things soon. I think nearly 3 months is enough to exchange items. She has done nothing to return my things she says she has (I don't need them so I don't care) or make arrangements for things that are here that she apparently begrudges me having if you believe the rant she had on Sunday. Link to comment
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