dwarf Posted January 22, 2015 Share Posted January 22, 2015 Hello, thank you so much for reading my thread. I have a tricky situation i am in. I have been with my boyfriend for 3.5 years. He is 27 and i am 25. We always had a really amazing relationship, i mean we had our ups and downs but i dont recall us ever really arguing about things. This could be because he agreed with everything i said and wasnt the best with communication ( a problem in our relationship). Well 7 months ago he went away on a guys trip and came back ecstatic about proposing. He even voiced to me he wanted to propose etc (this was crazy to me because he NEVER talked about marriage other than to say he saw himself marrying me one day). Well i thought this was a great time to tell him about my 5 year plan. I intended on going back to school when i was done working for a while after i graduated to do my masters. So my ideal time to get married was 26ish and have my first child at 28 ( i know i know im a planner though and he ALWAYS left the decision making up to me. Like he literally said "whatever she wants to do" when he would be asked about these life choices). Well i noticed he started changing after this and being different in the relationship...but when i would ask him if there was something wrong he would say no and reassure me his plan was still to propose. 2 months later he tells me that he isnt ready to propose ( after i pester him and get it out of him). I'm of course upset because why would he lie to me for so long telling me he was. Since then things got even more distant, but everytime i asked him he said he was fine. 4 months ago he mentioned potentially being depressed..that he was starting to feel numb. Then in 3 months ago hes bawling his eyes out telling me he doesnt know what he wants and that he isnt sure hes in love with me. Knowing that i went through something similar i reassured him it was ok and it might be his depression..and that people dont just wake up one day and fall out of love. He says he needs time to himself to figure out if he wants to be together. I said ok and he doesnt talk to me for a week. I dont attempt to speak to him at all even though its killing me. At the end of the week i tell him we need to talk. So we finally talk and he said he wasnt sure about what he wanted but when he saw me he realized he wanted to be with me and he wanted to try and fix what he had done. ( he said he had been pushing away since the marriage stuff). So we do this for 3 months and i dont notice him being affectionate anymore or his usual self. He again reassures me that its ok and that he was making progress. He even tells me he feels like hes for sure in love with me. Well...after so long of him not being affectionate i finally ask him to tell me the truth. He breaks down and tells me that he was still not sure and he didnt know what he was doing etc etc (basically a panic attack) and hes bawling the whole time. Well i suggest seeing someone and he reluctantly agrees ( i knew he wouldnt want to see someone). The next day he says he was glad we didnt break up and he wanted to see someone and that meant he wanted to try until this was figured out ( be affectionate and a normal couple). So we do this for the past week and of course theres this black cloud over us the whole time but hes more affectionate and appreciative than ever before ( or at least for the past 3 months). He constantly is commenting on things he never noticed before like how beautiful my eye color was and how soft the tops of my hands are etc. And so it was bittersweet but we were acting like a normal couple and opening up until his appointment. He even tells me that it really messed him up thinking about me with someone else on my wedding day and how i would be smiling at them the way i smile at him, and being my adorable self around them and kissing them the way i am with him etc...and hes bawling the whole time. Well after seeing this counsellor he decides he needs time to himself to figure out if the past week was him legitimately being in love with me or if he was just mourning the loss of me already. And so he is conflicted with this decision in his life, that he may be losing the most important thing to him but he wasnt ready to give it 100% because he still had these doubts. So now i have to decide what i want to do in this situation. What are your thoughts Link to comment
dwarf Posted January 23, 2015 Author Share Posted January 23, 2015 the time apart would be us still together and faithful ( his suggestion) and therefore i doubt it is about someone else.... Link to comment
Slyness Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 I'll make this short. If you really love him, stick through it. He has a few problems, but if you can look past them then continue on. Show him support and try to make him act more of a man. Have you gained weight in the last 3.5 years? Perhaps he is not attracted to you anymore and can't man up to say it. Link to comment
dwarf Posted January 23, 2015 Author Share Posted January 23, 2015 nope in fact i have lost weight...and he has commented on how truly beautiful i am Link to comment
Beyourself13 Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 I'm sorry for the last post. Whether you have put on weight or lost it is not only offensive but completely IRRELEVANT. Don't take this person's comment to heart. It's seriously sexist, ignorant and unhelpful. A lot of people fear that 'marriage' is going to change things. It shouldn't change your relationship one way or the other. The only thing it changes is the fact that it's a legal contract and you are bound financially. But that still exists even if you don't get married and are spouses living together. But a lot of men fear the word 'marriage' because it conjures up a lot of stuff for them. Some women fear it too. But marriage is really just a piece of paper in the end. The celebration of your relationship goes along with a marriage ceremony and the notion that you must put your all in. It does put pressure on people, and in our society, particularly men because of their higher fear of commitment, although plenty of women these days have just a strong fear of commitment. The thing is...whether or not you get married, he still has to work out how he feels about you and what kind relationship you and him would like to continue to work on. Is it possible to forget about the 'marriage' thing for a while and just keep working on your relationship? And there's also lots of couples counselors around who are great at assisting. It sounds like he's putting enormous pressure on himself to be something or someone that he feels incapable of being. Maybe you can ease the pressure by suggesting that marriage really doesn't change anything, that you are the same two people working on the same issues together, and that in the end it is just a contract and you can break it anytime! Hope that helps and isn't overly unromantic! Link to comment
Willywagtail Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 Great post by beyourself13 and I heartily agree. Shelve the marriage plans; you may have a 5 year a plan but as you can see, life doesn't follow a plan. Support your BF, this is really hard for him. I like the idea that he's trying to be something he's not. Maybe he wants to have some say in your life decisions and doesn't know how to articulate it. Be aware that it might not turn out the way you would like - that is, according to your plan. Be prepared to attend counselling with him, if this is appropriate. The thing about life, is you have to be flexible - and I'm sure you are. This is a great opportunity for you too to review what you want and go with the flow for the time being. There is learning in it for you as well. Link to comment
dwarf Posted January 23, 2015 Author Share Posted January 23, 2015 I did suggest that i may have put pressure on him about it before and we discussed that 3 months ago when we decided to fix it. Then i didnt bring up marriage at all since then, except now when i asked if he saw a future with me in general. And to which he put this extra pressure to figure it out but then i realized i placed that pressure on him and apologized and said we need to build our relationship before that happens. He says he still needs the time to himself to figure out what he wants and whether hes in love with me and he wont know that unless he takes the 2 weeks to himself to figure it out. But that either way if we break up ( although he doesnt want that to happen right now) that he would need to figure it out regardless. last night he tried to sleep with me ( during this week of trying to figure stuff out we've slept together lots and it was amazing and sensual like we were in love and he would say i love you i do but the problem is he doesnt know if hes IN LOVE with me). But last night when he tried to sleep with me i had a headache and said sorry i have a headache and he said its ok...but then was a bit distant and said he felt a little rejected. i dont know what to do, a part of me wants to hold on for 2 weeks but im afriad he will STILL not have it figured out. Or i feel like its slightly unfair to me...and maybe i do break it off and start NC so he actually realizes that hes lost me and actually goes through the usual though process. He said hes terrified that he'll look back on this and regret it and that i could be the girl for him, that three thoughts go through his mind....1. that he would be fine and i would be fine and we would both be happy moving on, 2. that we would break up and he would realize and come chasing after me with a ring saying "this is it i ed up" or 3. that he takes the time and figures out he was stupid and is kicking himself and has a grand gesture to fix all of what he has just done. I just dont know...i know either way he will figure it out and i dont want to lose him. But i dont know if its better to end things and start the NC process of getting him back/working on myself or to do the 2 weeks an still do minimal contact. We live together and so he offered to leave the place so that he can stay at friends and figure it out because he doesnt want my parents to know this is happening because then he will have to fix that too. I dont know what to do anymore...like i've left the conversation open that i am completely open to things and talking about it and finding a basis for us to move on...hes convinced he needs to figure out if hes in love with me after pushing me away for 7 months.. Link to comment
dwarf Posted January 23, 2015 Author Share Posted January 23, 2015 i want to clarify that he never pressures me to sleep with him at all and thats why it was significant to me that he felt rejected etc. in regards to counselling together i think he said he would invest in that if he finds out what he needs to in 2 weeks (i.e. whether hes in love with me). he has this issue with recognizing that love is what you make it, and that him trying this past week wasnt some chance that he felt those feelings it was because he tried. He isnt convinced. Link to comment
Xylitol Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 I'm sorry for the last post. Whether you have put on weight or lost it is not only offensive but completely IRRELEVANT. Don't take this person's comment to heart. It's seriously sexist, ignorant and unhelpful. Discrimination is a natural part of nature's instinct for survival. Since survival matters, body shape matters as well. Weight therefore being a part of body shape seriously matters in whether a person is attracted or repelled by someone. It's not sexists because woman have shape preferences as well. Science has proven that woman do not date short guys even if they are millionaires, simply because they feel a small guy cannot protect them. The post was helpfull because he was searching for reasons that might have repelled the guy from being with this lady. You were so offended by this post it's likely you have had bad experiences with your own body shape and people commenting on it. In any case being fat is bad for a persons's health as well. I therefore find that the posters question was completely valid, and not meant to be insulting. Link to comment
dwarf Posted January 23, 2015 Author Share Posted January 23, 2015 okay....but the point is..whether it is a reason or not....i'm 5'9 and 130 pounds... so i dont think its that. Link to comment
Xylitol Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 I think that maybe his attractiveness in you is that you are so good in deciding and making choices in life while he cannot and that this is what is making him go haywire. Why don't you learn him how to make choices in life. It will benefit your relationship. I think what happened was the following. He went on a trip and FINALLY made a decision for himself to propose to you almost immediately. This was countered by your plans. So what it did , was that you took away his initial initiative to immediately get married, and that left him empty handed. Which resulted in him becoming indecisive. You see, a relationship exists not only out of 2 people, but also the formation of 2 opinions. I think that if you take away his decision, he will start feeling insecure because it's like his plans don't matter because you planned these things already, meaning he his plans have no use in your life. So my suggestion is to "allow" some of his decisions and plans and give them "worth" Yes, you are the better planner, but it's more like "you know how to ski, and your little sister doesn't know how to, but she wants to prove her existence by going from the hill anyway." Now say your little sister says: i am going to ski from that hill, and you say "no i go first and then you come" You should say "go ahead" and allow that person to manifest itself , because by making their own choices they grow. And you need to allow that person to grow. So before you make a plan, ask his opinion and ask him what he would do. Try to involve him with the decision making by not shooting all of his plans down. Now the way i formulate it sounds a little harsh, i don't mean it in the way that you belittle him or treated him bad, i know you are not that kind of person. But i hope you get my drift. Link to comment
dwarf Posted January 23, 2015 Author Share Posted January 23, 2015 no i understand but i am completely open to that and would compromise on that....so do you think i should begin by giving him these 2 weeks to decide? Link to comment
Willywagtail Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 You want him to figure all this out in 2 weeks, and you don't know if you're prepared to wait?? Geez. What a patient and loyal person you are (note sarcasm). You're a couple aren't you? Then start behaving like a mature person that's part of a couple and support him. You don't need to go NC, you don't need to move out. Why can't you work this through together? If he had a serious illness you'd stay with him and work it out wouldn't you? Then look at it this way - he's confused, he's getting counselling. He's making an effort. It's up to you to make the effort and behave like you're in a committed partnership. Link to comment
Slyness Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 Because we are all stabbing in the dark here, what has changed? We can all make guesses but we need more info. Could it be that you are pressuring him to cater to your 5 year plan maybe. Could he be seeing another lady, possible. Bottom line is we don't know enough about you or him to give you a definitive answer. If you truly love him you will give him all the time and space to decide what is best for him. It could take more than 2 weeks so be prepared. Link to comment
dwarf Posted January 23, 2015 Author Share Posted January 23, 2015 i dont want him to figure out if hes going to marry me in two weeks....i want him to figure out if hes in love with me in 2 weeks...is that unreasonable? Also i am mature in this, i waited 3 months ago where he left me completely in the dark and i gave it a shot in the hopes he would be committed to the decision and he didnt try at all. So i dont really know what else im supposed to do? If you think its totally okay to leave someone waiting while you decide if you're in love with them then i dont see how that is fair to me. Also it wasnt my suggestion to move out to give him his space it was his...he wants this space alone and i dont know what else i can do other than to stay with my family? We tried this week to work it out and take but hes literally going in circles trying to decide if this week of him feeling these emotions are legitimate or if they are only there out of desperation.. I would do anything to work this out...as i have tried for the past 4 months to fix this and if he wanted to work on fixing it and see where it went (no pressure of marriage) i would hands down do it. I dont even know what has changed. He just started questioning if i was the one for him after he got really scared about marriage. I initially pressured with the 5 year plan but he agreed to it without hesitation. I literally had 0 idea he did not want to go along with the plan. And he said he felt like he wasnt in control of his life anymore that i was making all the decisions. Then when he told me this 3 months ago after his initial break down i stopped completely. I said lets talk about whats good for both of us...lets do this together. I am fine with altering my plans if you had other ideas on what you want. But then he had already distanced so much that in his mind he stopped trying...and it became him delaying the inevitable of breaking up... until tuesday last week when i gave him the out and said lets break up because you arent trying and it isnt fair to me. Then he said he wanted to see someone.. Link to comment
mhowe Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 He isn't going to know in 2 weeks and he has predicated going to counseling on that decision. He made the decision (and I use that term loosely) to propose to you and told you of the decision...he did not propose. You countered with a 5 year plan that had nothing to do with him. You spoke of marriage by X age and a child by X+2. From that point forward...he has four d "indecision" as to whether he is in love with you. Why the disconnect? Because both of you are looking at the timing and not at the relationship. Your plans have been made by you...without input from him. His "decision" to propose...no input or discussion with you. I think he is afraid of being left behind and the "decision" and telling you about it was to have you be happy and wanting to do it...to affirm his worth to you. Instead it was met with..."that isn't how I see the next 5 years. If this is worth salvaging, counseling happens now. Not after he figures out if he loves you. Link to comment
dwarf Posted January 23, 2015 Author Share Posted January 23, 2015 well he has predicated that he went to counselling to get a decision on what he should do...i dont think he would continue with counselling based on his reaction to it. I only brought up the 5 year plan when he mentioned proposing so he knew where i was at with it and what my thoughts were not to force him to follow my plan. Since then i have explained to him that i realized my mistakes and that i should have been more open to things and now i am completely open to them and would love to plan our life together should he see fit. I believe i stopped looking at the timing when all of this happened and i realized this was what caused us to disconnect...but then im afraid hes pushed me away for 7 months and thus he is confused because he pushed me so far away that he started doubting his feelings. Had he told me that he was afraid of these things and that he did not want to do them then i would have been happy to discuss that, i recognize i may have been difficult and may have made it hard for him to talk to me but now i have emphasized that i would be open completely to talking because he is worth it to me more than any plan would be. He hasnt mentioned counselling together i have and he has kind of dismissed it by saying initially that he believes that its for people who want to save marriages that have kids (very immature mind set) and that he needs his 2 weeks to figure this out because he cant seem to decide. Right now i believe he is gambling with whether it is worth it to lose me...and he would see that in 2 weeks according to him, or whether he couldnt be without me and therefore should be with me. Last night we talked a lot and i told him and reassured him that should he want to continue this that i would be open to us discussing things and that if he thought we were special he would come to the right decision. He said his mind goes from the feeling of loving me and that this is special to the feeling of maybe we should break up because i dont know for sure etc. Link to comment
dwarf Posted January 23, 2015 Author Share Posted January 23, 2015 me: can i ask you a question and be honest with me. Is this an internal struggle for you that involves you trying to find out if this life of being single is better than this life of being with me,. But you know that this life with me is really good, but you arent ready to give up the life of dreams that you had before involving all this other stuff. that you think i cant be there for like you pursing your music dreams etc and so on and so forth but you believe i may be the person for you its just you want to check all this other stuff out and me means growing up and therefore you want to not do that and so all this other stuff first. but realize that its hard to find someone special like me. HIM: no not really. i mean. when i think of the bad way of things i think some things that i can focus on that may be comforting to help me when i'm sad. but the majority of this is about us not me wanting to be single for a bit. me: okay and just one more time so i understand. the dilemma is you have doubts and therefore you are scared we arent meant to be? Him i guess, yeah. me: like i just feel like it got all mangled over the week and i cant comprehend what exactly is the problem so i think it would be beneficial to me if i knew it. sorry if thats harsh itll help me to understand what it is that is happening a what would be my best bet with this Him mhm. i guess not just like i'm scared that we might not be meant to be. but like i have doubts. and feelings or a loss of feelings that reinforce those doubts. and then feelings that reinforce that i may be wrong. me mhm ok and that is HONESTLY the reasoning for this it has absolutely nothing to do with anything else? Him: yeah. i dunno that's the only way i can explain it i think. like it's definitely not because of a desire to be single or anything like that. the thought of being alone is more scary to me than exciting. Link to comment
Xylitol Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 I think the problem is that you are just rationalizing your relationship, and that you are solemnly looking at things from your side. Your feelings and thoughts are very important, but what about his feelings, and his thoughts. You need to understand what a "couple" means, it means 2. So 2 thoughts and feelings combined. A relationship is a 2 way road, both giving and taking. That includes idea's and plans. Don't look at things only from your side, just wait for his input, or ask for his input. Don't force any idea's upon him. Go with the flow so to speak. Because things need to progress more naturally between two people. This is so static, robotic almost. Link to comment
Beyourself13 Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 Hi again, I think you're doing everything possible to accommodate your partner. It must be very hard for you. I think it sounds like he is swinging all over the place with ambivalence. This must be painful for you too. I think there comes a time though that he really has to either commit to at least being in a relationship with you. Right now it seems like he can't do that. Would he feel better if you two decided just to take things a lot more slowly while still being exclusive? It seems like he wants certainty about his feelings, and I'm afraid this just doesn't exist. We are changing and growing all the time and along with that anything can happen, including changing how we feel about the person we love. It's not going to help you however if he's all over the place with his commitment style. Really he either has to be in the relationship or not in it, otherwise you are going to be messed around emotionally. My suggestion would be to state that you need him to be either committed to you in the relationship or not, and that a) if he chooses not to be committed right now, to take some time apart and see how it goes, b) if he chooses to stay committed then you two could focus simply on the relationship as it is right now, and forget about anything else. Just work on the relationship right now and take it slowly...if you are able to. This will in the next few months give you a better idea of how he responds to working on your relationship. And then you can reassess in the next few months (but no need to say that to him or he may feel pressured). This is all a way to keep you from being messed around with your feelings as well, because you are not the one with the commitment issues it seems. Hope that helps. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 In my personal opinion, I think that whatever the reason he's going through a long process of uncoupling from you. At this point, sticking around, sleeping with him, is making it easier for him to grieve whilst letting you go emotionally. Don't do this to yourself. YOU need some time and distance to deal with this very hard time. I wouldn't give him an ultimatum or anything. I would just tell him I'm taking a step back while he sorts his feelings out and then walk away. Link to comment
dwarf Posted January 26, 2015 Author Share Posted January 26, 2015 I decided to give him the two weeks and stay away and give him the space ( so i can say in my mind i did everything i could) prior to doing so i informed him i was at the end of my rope with this and that i wasnt sure how much longer i could hold on. This time (unlike all of last week where he was bawling) he didnt even shed a tear. He said okay and that he was a bit upset that i had decided that i cant hold on anymore but that he knew there was a potential it would get to this point. He mentioned again that he felt this was our only chance to give him the space so he could figure out what to do. On sunday i woke up to him cuddling me and trying to initiate sex with me and i denied him, but he held me for long and we talked more about this decision. I started packing my stuff and he didnt shed a tear ( just the things i would need for 2 weeks) then he drove me to my parents and it was silence in the car the whole way...and i said to him " i know i said i am for sure lettitng go...but at this point i think i need to think that through" and his eyes got a bit teary...but nothing not crying nothing. And then he dropped me off and kissed me I said " i love you" he said " i love you" and then he said "talk to you soon?" and i said ok....and then that was it. So begins the 2 weeks of me giving him his space and NC Link to comment
Xylitol Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 You mind giving us an update when it's all over please? Link to comment
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