regular joe Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 Not sure if this is the correct place for this. Work has always been an important part of my life. Maybe, I let it get too important. Up until now I really enjoyed my job. For the past 10+ years I was the only person in my department taking care of way too much, but I made it and my life work. Now due to budget cuts and reorganization, they are closing me down and taking my work to another location. I am union and in our contract, I have job and wage protection, because I have hit that years of service mark. So the actual loss of my job/ pay cut is not a factor. Everything here is a mess and getting worse. However, I will have to take a new position in different department. This was supposed to take place in November, which has now been pushed back a couple of times, the newest date is February (maybe). Between the career change, being held in limbo and the body taking over has everything a mess. This is causing me to have to work harder and causing me extra stress, because they screw up and then it becomes my problem to straighten it out. The worst part is I guess everything is taking it's toll. Eventually the mess here will sort it's self out. However, it has taken a major toll on my relationship. I withdrew, I haven't been the most pleasant person to be around and I guess I stopped paying attention/ being very supportive to what is important to her. I didn't think I was being that bad, but according to her I am. It is to the point I don't know if can be repaired, as I am not sure if she can get past it. We live together and right now it is more of a roommate situation, than a relationship. This is killing me more than the job situation. I had a really good thing and I have rolally screw it up. Any advice on how to right this ship will be appreciated. Link to comment
regular joe Posted January 21, 2015 Author Share Posted January 21, 2015 I have had a lot of looks, but no replies. I am guessing is I really screwed up good and I guess there is nothing I can do about it? I will take any input good, bad or otherwise. Link to comment
sarica Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 You know it's amazing how talking can solve the biggest problems as well. Being involved in work is something that is common . Giving it priority is an individual choice . Talk to you girl and tell her everything start with this is how you felt before how u feel now and what's going on with you now . Then tell her what she is too you and how much do u want it to work .I am not sure how long ago did your relationship start but I am guessing a few years . And if she stayed that long it means that maybe she wants it to work too but thinks you don't care . Then set your priorities right Link to comment
regular joe Posted January 21, 2015 Author Share Posted January 21, 2015 Thanks Sarica for your reply. We have been living together about a 1 1/2 years. I have been trying, everything we had both been avoiding finally came to head on Monday night. We had a long discussion about everything. Trouble is right now she has a lot of hurt, feeling like I didn't care and that she wasn't important. I am trying to get past that hurt, to get her to work on repairing what damage has been done. I can't start to make amends if she isn't going to give me the chance to do so. Right now it just seems whatever I say just makes it worse. She doesn't understand what I am dealing with as far as stress here at work. Part of her not understanding is I haven't been open in talking about it with her and bottling it up inside. I am going to have to start a new career and not by choice, the fact it keeps getting postponed and the fact I am still expected to come here everyday and be productive is also adding to it. I have to many years and too much to lose by quitting here and finding a new job. It would mean throwing away my retirement, etc. and starting all over. I have worked to long and hard to do that. I also had some costly repairs to make at the house which just came at a bad time. I am the primary income, she has a very minimal income. I pay all the household, vehicles, insurance and living expenses, my bills, not to mention whatever of her bills she can not cover. This change will affect my income for a year/ year and half as I progress in my new position. It is going to be two steps backwards, before I can go forward. I will be going from the top to the bottom. I want her to stay and work on things, I also don't know how long I can go with the way things are if she will not allow it to happen. Her moving out is also a very complicated and complex issue. Link to comment
sarica Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 When a person is hurt it's hard to think about others..no not hard quite impossible. If she wants to leave then let her I guess all u can do is give her some space. relationships take work a lot of work but it has to be two sided else it's not worth it . Your the one in the relationship so only you will know if it's a worthy one or not. Job issue I don't knw what to tell you except happens. You need to think about ur life as an induvidual too if you feel that she doesn't care anymore because she won't be the one living your life.. Link to comment
regular joe Posted January 21, 2015 Author Share Posted January 21, 2015 Sarica, I have been giving her space. Is it worth it I think so. Problem is can I undo the damage that has been done. I know I am not the only one at fault here, but I am more at fault. Just not sure how or if I can get her to come around. She has no where to go and as I said before her situation is complicated and complex. It will be very hard for to find another living arrangement. All I can do is take it day by day and see where it goes. We only aired out the issues on Monday night. Emotions and everything is still raw. I would like to work on getting it repaired sooner than later, however, I know it will be on her timetable if it does happen. I guess only time will tell. Best of luck on your situation too. Link to comment
sarica Posted January 22, 2015 Share Posted January 22, 2015 Thank you Then I gues your right and that all you can do it wait .time changes a lot of things. Everyting fades even pain. But believe this that if she wants to work on it as well then there is hope . I hope it works out for you . Link to comment
Willywagtail Posted January 22, 2015 Share Posted January 22, 2015 The thing is, you can't undo what has been done. Part of the work of 'getting on and repairing' your relationship is just to let it be for a while. As a man, you'd like to take action and get busy doing what needs to be done to make it better. The best thing, in this instance I believe, is to just sit with the pain that she's feeling, and the guilt you're feeling. Let the emotions work themselves through. She might want to talk and tell you how hurt she is, you might want to talk and tell her how sorry you are. It sounds to me as if you took her presence in your life very much for granted during your difficult work changes. You just assumed she'd be there and take whatever you dished out. (Without providing any explanation for why you were behaving badly.) In some ways this could be interpreted by her as a breach of trust, because you weren't prepared to confide in her, or share with her something very important that was happening in your life. My sense is that you should do some soul searching about this, because in the end it's YOU that you need to repair before you can do anything to mend the relationship. Personal changes you make will be reflected in the dynamic of the relationship, and in your behavior towards her. These are probably the things that she wants to hear - about how you are working on yourself in an effort to improve the relationship with her, rather than jumping into repair mode. Link to comment
regular joe Posted January 22, 2015 Author Share Posted January 22, 2015 Thank you Then I gues your right and that all you can do it wait .time changes a lot of things. Everyting fades even pain. But believe this that if she wants to work on it as well then there is hope . I hope it works out for you . As of right now she doesn't want to work on it. She feels like I have hurt her deeply and didn't put forth enough effort into making her feel important too. She feels that giving me another chance will only lead to more hurt for her. Right now she feels like I am going to throw her out and that is the furthest thing from the truth. I have told her from the get go I don't want her to leave. That I would like for her to stay and work on getting it back on track. Link to comment
regular joe Posted January 22, 2015 Author Share Posted January 22, 2015 I am trying to give her space. When you live together that sometimes is hard to do. She had some idea what was going on with work about them closing me down because my physical plant needs to be expanded and with the budget cuts that is not happening. She knows that I will have to take a job in another department and start all over at the bottom of that department. She just doesn't know the day to day stresses I have had to deal with. We would talk somewhat about it and I believe she wanted me to give her some kind of answers to what was going on. That is one of the problems, the company is not moving forward with this with any kind of speed. I can't give her an answer to a question that I myself do not know. I am sure that made her feel like I am wasn't including her in or being secretive about it, but I honestly don't know the answers myself. Like I said before above I am not sure she wants to give it another go. She is afraid it will just end up with more hurt for her. Link to comment
sarica Posted January 22, 2015 Share Posted January 22, 2015 Actions speak more that words. I guess it will take time for her to believe.. I may be out of line here when I suggest this but since she cannot leave due to the housing issue take advantage of it . Try to get back the old days. Repeat the same things u did then. Say and do the things u knw she likes.it will be an added pressure on you but then ntng cums easily ryt. Link to comment
regular joe Posted January 23, 2015 Author Share Posted January 23, 2015 Had a very small baby step last night. We talked, not about relationship stuff. We just sat and had a conversation in general, beats the awkward silence of the past couple of days. Link to comment
sarica Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 Well that's nice .. I mean something is better than nothing right . Link to comment
regular joe Posted January 24, 2015 Author Share Posted January 24, 2015 Something is good. So far it is a roller coaster, full of ups and downs. We talk, she remembers to doesn't like me we go backwards. I just keep on being nice and trying to work on it, but not pushing it. It's all I can do for now. Link to comment
sarica Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 I guess she's just trying to protect herself . But believe be if she wants to save the relationship too then it will be saved .. will take time for sure as she has to let down her walls. Link to comment
regular joe Posted January 25, 2015 Author Share Posted January 25, 2015 I don't think she knows what she wants. She knows what I am capable of both good and bad. She also knows that whether or not she wants to admit it, I am the only one who has been there. I am the one who supports and takes care of her. I dropped the ball in emotional department, that I know. When I run into issues I have a bad problem of withdrawing and being quiet. I have to get it all sorted out internally before I can let it out. Link to comment
sarica Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 Yes that's true.but talking about them helps .sometimes you just need to let go . Say everythng you want to say . All the good the bad the hurt the things u feel cause of which u couldn't open up to her. Tell her to listen just listen . That your telling your point and you might be wrong but that's how you felt . Tell her it's not an accusation or and argument just feelings from heart and you need to do it before you sort it internally cause if u do that then ul think about what to say and how to say and it won't be as genuine as just loosing control and spilling it all out Link to comment
regular joe Posted January 25, 2015 Author Share Posted January 25, 2015 She tells me she feels like I take no interest in her two home businesses, but I do. I tell her how talented I think she is. She feels like I don't notice enough and don't give her enough compliments on what she does. She doesn't realize or maybe care how much that I also support both these businesses financially. At times I swear it would be better if she didn't have either one. The biggest reason I do it is because of her Lyme disease which gives her quite a few health problems. Her businesses help her feel productive and helps her mentally as she is a worker and they help her feel like she is being productive. She can also work at her own schedule, as her health allows. It would be hard for her to work outside of the house. Maybe I don't compliment every creation, but I have never said a bad word or thrown the money issue at her and give her the financial support to keep them going. If she was healthy we would be having a different discussion about them. Link to comment
sarica Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 I think she's facing issues of her own then . You don't need to be sick to feel like a burden on people sometimes .. her disease just adds to it I guess . The not enough compliments is something people feel only when think they are not good enough . I know that cause I feel it a lot to and it's not humanly possible to be fixated on a person all the time so always noticing and complimenting is kind of not possible . I guess she's just insecure . This isn't something you can help with cause no matter how much you tell her how good she is unless she thinks she is she won't feel it Link to comment
regular joe Posted January 26, 2015 Author Share Posted January 26, 2015 I try my best to compliment her. I will admit with so much on mind right now I am slacking in that department right now. Link to comment
sarica Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 It will be okay .. do u mind telling me more about her ? Link to comment
regular joe Posted January 28, 2015 Author Share Posted January 28, 2015 What would you like to know? Link to comment
sarica Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 A little more about her attitude and reactions . Maybe I can help in giving ideas to talk to her Link to comment
regular joe Posted January 28, 2015 Author Share Posted January 28, 2015 Depends on the interaction. Sometimes it good, sometimes it is bad. Sometimes she is ok and other times she is just moody. I guess at times she just feels as if I am wrong and it is all my fault. Like I said before it is like a rollercoaster. Link to comment
sarica Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 That's common . Do you believe that she wants to be with you? Link to comment
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