Boyfriend doesn't want to have sex.

[JustCallMeCat]

I need help. I've been with my boyfriend for just over a year now and February 20th makes a year since we've had sex. Several friends have told me that he either isn't attracted to me or he's getting it from somewhere else, however...after many discussions I've discovered that he's just not interested in having sex with anyone. I'm going crazy. I'm 30 years old and he's 28....This just doesn't seem healthy or normal. He refuses to see a counselor and I'm at my wits end. Any suggestions??

[PrincessLinzay]

Yes, this is definitely a problem. Haven't had sex in a year? That's a long time, especially considering you haven't even been together that much longer than that. He's only 28, so it shouldn't be like this.

 

I guess I would agree with your friends about the "he's getting it somewhere else" or "there isn't the physical attraction", but I have another thing to throw out there.

 

He's gay, or confused about his sexuality and trying desperately to appear "normal" to those around him. (ie, his friends, family....)

 

Those are pretty much the only things I can think of. It isn't healthy to have no physical contact with your partner. Especially not at this young age and having only been together a little over a year.

 

You obviously aren't being satisfied in the relationship, and if he refuses to seek help or attempt to get counselling, I really don't think there are many options open. You might just have to cut this relationship loose and look for someone else who is more interested in fullfilling every aspect of the relationship.

 

Could you honestly tolerate this for the rest of your life?

[annie24]

How are things in your relationship otherwise? True, he could be not attracted to you anymore, or he could be getting it somewhere else. Or, perhaps he just has a very low sex drive but he is still crazy about you. But, like the other post said, could you really live a life without sex? If he still doesn't want to do it, it may be time to find someone who you are more physically compatible with.

[BCBoy81]

Some men (myself included) are just not serious horn-dogs. It's been almost a year since I've had sex, 6 months of that I was in a relationship.... some guys just don't have an outrageous sex drive. That fact does not bother me one bit. It's not unnatural nor is it unhealthy. What you need to remember is that in todays "modern" sex driven society, everybody thinks the world revolves around sex. Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it doesn't.

 

Is he still intimate with you? Still snuggle, cuddle and kiss goodnight? If the answer is yes to any of those, I wouldn't be too worried. Do you initiate sex every now and then? I know I've gotten bored having to initiate intimacy ALL the time. It becomes monotonous..... like a chore. Spice up things and maybe try initiating it yourself. See what happens.

 

While a year may be a little long to some people, you have to take a step back and evaluate other area. Are you satisfied with the relationship otherwise? If so, you may just have a higher sex-drive than your partner.

 

I don't want to sound like I'm taking your bf's side, but I myself am one of those strange few guys that has a lower-than-average sex drive. It's not really that big of a deal.

[PrincessLinzay]

Woah, Im going to have to disagree with you there BCboy81. Having sex once every 6 months or once a year IS unnatural. All the cuddling and snuggling in the world can't replace sexual intimacy.

 

Whether people like to admit it or not, sex and intimacy are a VERY important part of a relationship. People need that kind of closeness. And although some people can do without, for most people, it's a very important part of life.

 

I can in all honesty say that I have never in my life met a guy who almost never wanted sex. Maybe when you're alone and single you can go without it, but once you're in a relationship with someone, have had sex with them and then all of a sudden just stop? Only giving it up every six months? That can make your partner feel undesirable, among other things.

 

I think sex is important in an established intimate relationship. We'll have to agree to disagree on this one.

[BrandonBo]

COMMUNICATION you have to talk to him about it ask him why hes like that wuts wrong he must be getting it from somewhere else becuase after a year without it a guy would screw anything really at that age if not hes blue in the pants yep hes either a fag or hes tapped a different keg

[JustCallMeCat]

Just for the record... I have talked to him about it... repeatedly... to the point that even I don't want to talk to me about it anymore. Our relationshiop other than sex is incredible. There isn't a lot of other intimacy...but we do kiss and cuddle. He's an incredible guy and I know that he loves me. He said that he just hasn't felt like having sex which completely frustrates me because I'm a very physical and touchy feely person. I agree that sex isn't everything but going month after month and being rejected every time I do try to initiate is EXTREMELY frustrating. He still refuses to see a counselor and I'm not sure what other avenue I should take. I asked him if it was me...if he wanted to "break up" and he said No. Now I'm even more confused.

[PrincessLinzay]

I stand by what I said before. Sexual intimacy is so very very important in a relationship. Any therapist can tell you that. No matter how great he is in other areas, you're still unhappy with the lack of physical contact.

 

After this long, you're pretty much really good friends who kiss. Sorry, but that's how I see it.

[lisica]

Does he masturbate frequently? Is he on medication that can diminish his sex drive?

[patti mc]

hi there. perhaps your b/f is addicted to porn...... sorry to say, but I found out, the hard way, that folks addicted to masterbating to porn rarely wanna have real life sex. If anyone knows how to deal w/this issue, a reply would be appreciated. Thank you

[shiminimo]

what does he tell you when he doesn't want sex?

[GaveTooMuch]

whoa tha is pretty strange. Even that other poster who said is was a guy who doesn't really like to have sex. I guess I'm just like all the other guys out there, I just love it. Especially in a relationship, the connection and closeness you feel during sex with someone you really care about is amazing. Even the kind of sex you have just when you want to get off isn't too shabby either

 

There's got to be another reason. How was your sex life in the beginning, were you two ever goingat it like crazy before in the beginning or has it always been like this. I guess if he's always been like this then maaaaaaaybe it's just normal.... for him at least.

[Abacab]

Princess is correct: get the problem corrected or you'll be missing a major component of your relationship. If not, the world's greatest SO will be the source of your constant unhappiness, which prompted you to post here in the first place.

 

Cheers

[JustCallMeCat]

Our sex life in the beginning was AWESOME. We used to have sex at least every other night, no matter how busy our schedules were. Now he says he's just not in the mood. He keeps insisting that its not me....he swears that it's not that he doesn't want to have sex with me, he just doesn't want to have sex with anyone right now. No he's not on medication but I'm beginning to wonder if maybe he should be on medication for depression. He's been under a lot of strain at work and he bought a new house and dealing with custody of his daughter. I'm trying to be understanding that he's under a lot of strain...but after almost a year I'm completely frustrated. I'm sure he does masturbate,...but as for frequency.. I couldn't tell you. He works nights and I work days and he surely doesn't masturbate in front of me. As for the porn... I think I like porn more than he does, so I'm not too worried about that. I approached him with the subject of counseling again and he still refuses. I do love him.. VERY MUCH. In the beginning I could completely see myself with him for the rest of my life. I would never cheat on him and I don't want to leave him but Princess is right, I can't live without sex for the rest of my life. Any other suggestions?? I do appreciate the ensight.

[Grand_Inquisitor]

Do either of you intend on marrying at some point? If he has a daughter/children he's probably not gay. What about having children with you? (Immaculate conception is not an option)

 

If his "plumbing" is still functioning, then it might be the stress of the custody battle for his daughter, the new house, the job that has his mind unable to relax. That can be a heavy combination for some.

 

If his "plumbing" is not functioning, that is usually a sign of a physical problem and he should see his GP for that. Low libido at that age is not all that common and sometimes suggests prostate trouble, urinary tract/renal trouble. Apart from diet, it's believed that the #1 cause of prostate cancer is stress-related and that number of diagnosed cases among younger men (30s) is on the rise. He should have it checked out.

 

Sorry for the bleak overview, but it is something-not the only thing- to consider.