In contact with my ex's sister...

[opalmind]

I was with my ex for 3 years and split up with him just under 2 months ago.

 

I met his family very early on and bonded with them quickly his sister especially. She's 4 years younger than me and the same age as my sister.

I think because she only had a brother (my ex) she enjoyed having me there as someone to look up to. She often copied the way I dressed or the things that I liked, she followed me on all of my social media and would talk to me often and while I was with my ex it wasn't a problem.

 

I deleted all of my social media accounts about 2 weeks ago and got them back a few days ago. During that time my ex's best friend has followed me and so has his sister. His best friend doesn't interact with me so I don't mind. But his sister will like and comment on every single thing that I post. Not in a nasty way, in fact she's too nice, like she's trying to suck up to me. I feel bad for not contacting her but as it's my ex's sister wouldn't that be wrong?

 

When me and my ex have split up in the past I blocked everyone (his family and friends) so that I could focus on really moving on and having nothing to remind me of my ex. But his sister who was best friends with my sister mentioned how upset it made her that I'd blocked her and his Dad was bothered by it too. I've not blocked them this time around because I don't want to hurt their feelings, although I've changed the settings so that their posts don't come up on my feed. I just don't know what to do about his sister? Would speaking to her when she speaks to me be wrong?

[abitbroken]

I think you should tell them that while you like them as people, since your ex and you are no longer together, communicating with them would be to tough on your ex. You appreciate that they care for you, its nothing personal but you need a chance to heal from the break up and staying connected to the family does not help that at this time. Or if they don't say anything, don't say anything.

 

I would leave the relationship between your sister and her sister alone, ask your sister to respect your wishes that you would not like to hear information about your ex, and then block/unfriend. You can be polite to the sister when you see her and your sister together, but I really, really would focus on your healing and not the feelings of other people. Ignore emails too

[opalmind]

It's not that it would be tough on him, he really isn't bothered, or at least I'm getting that impression from him. It's me that I'm worried about, will talking to his sister and his dad now and again affect me moving on? It sucks having to lose my relationship with them too, but I guess it's got to happen some time.

 

I took the break up (although I was the dumper) very hard at the start of this year, I've slowly gotten better to the point where it's starting to not really bother me anymore.

 

Next month I'm supposed to be starting work with his Dad again, and I've arranged it so that I don't ever have to bump into my ex which is good, but I know that working with my ex's dad probably isn't ideal so I've started to look for other work but it's hard especially at my age (17). So I can't easily cut contact with him.

 

As for his sister, my sister and his sister are no longer friends so that's not an issue. But his sister still tries to stay in contact with me and I reply but I'm only civil, I don't tell her personal information and my ex is never mentioned.

 

I feel rude telling his sister to leave me alone, I guess I'll just have to see how it goes...

[mbee]

Oh yes, it will impact you moving on. I tried maintaining my friendships with mutual friends of my ex and it always hurt, and I found myself unintentionally bringing up my ex, or I'd notice they would try to not mention him around me. Given this is his family, the temptation to hear or ask about him will be even stronger. Just let it go for now. You can reestablish friendship after your wounds have healed. I'm now friends with my exe's mutual friends but it took months of distance for me to have a real friendship where we honestly never talk about him.

 

One of my good friends is best friends with her exe's sister (they were together for 7 years total and broke up 3 years ago). She's also very good friends with his Mom and views his mom as a second mom. However, after the breakup she needed space from them for a half a year or something and now they are still great friends. She was even the maid of honor at her exs sister's wedding this past October!

[csdude55]

I don't see where you've stated how long this relationship lasted, or how it ended. Sorry if I overlooked that.

 

I recently ended an LTR, and one of the reasons I stayed longer than I should have was because of my relationship to her family. Her nieces and nephews called me "uncle", and her parents always treated me like a son. Losing them was hard.

 

After the break up, I texted her nieces and nephews and explained the situation to them, and told them that I still hope they'll think of me as their uncle. They've all replied and told me they love me. It's only been a few weeks, though, so I don't know if we'll have a real relationship outside of occasionally liking one another's FB pics or whatever.

 

I'm leaving the ball in their court, though. If they ask me to do something or want to talk, then I'm in. But I think it would be pretty inappropriate for me to contact them any further unprompted.

 

So, from that, my advice would be to tell her upfront how you feel, but that you're open to still being friends if that's what she wants. Just tell her the truth, that you're not sure how it will affect you for now.

[opalmind]

I mentioned at the top of the post that I was with him for 3 years. I ended it just under 2 months ago because he made me upset more often than not, and lied to me a lot, one night he treated me so badly that I just up and left.

 

I know what you mean, it hurt so much to leave him because his family is like a second family to me, he has a huge family whereas most of my family don't even talk to one another. So losing them as well as him is definitely tough for me.

 

And yeah that's the same way that I'm dealing with it, I don't contact any of his family or friends unless they speak to me, and I'm never overly friendly, I don't want to seem like I'm sucking up to them or anything.

 

But yeah the next time that she contacts me I'll be sure to explain it too her, I just didn't really feel like I should do because maybe they'll think I'm making a big deal out of nothing. I just don't want to stop myself from healing.

[abitbroken]

There is a difference between high school boyfriend and girlfriend who were treated as extra children by the their parents and break up amicably because they feel more like brother and sister and lives change keeping in touch because of a family relationship vs someone who broke up because they were treated poorly. Honestly, when you meet someone new, ties to the family of the ex won't be appreciated one bit unless the ex died during your relationship, etc.

 

You are going to meet someone new someday and you will have an opportunity for that guy's family to be your second family.

 

Also, I am not saying that it would bother him or not, but you can coach your response in that it is best for the both of you, etc., as something to say to the sister.

[opalmind]

So you're saying they're not going to appreciate me being in contact with them because I was in high school when the relationship started? If that is what you mean that's just stupid, the relationship lasted for 3 years. And age doesn't mean anything.

 

Plus I haven't contacted them once, they're always the once to initiate a conversation with me, especially seen as I work with his Dad. I'm sure if his Dad didn't want to know me he wouldn't have asked me to come back to work with him and would have just hired someone else.

 

But yeah I know that I'll meet someone else and maybe become that close with their family, I know I'm not going to be this close with his family forever and I'm not trying to be because as I said I've not contacted them, they've contacted me.

[csdude55]

I don't know that I agree with abitbroken on that, either. When I'm talking to a girl, it's a big concern if she isn't friends with any of her exes or their families. It implies that she's never had a serious relationship, or that she's immature enough to always have bad break-ups.

 

I would consider it to be a positive thing if you were still close with his family, as long as I never got the impression that you were doing so because you were secretly trying to stay close to your ex. There is a fine line there.

[abitbroken]

I don't know that I agree with abitbroken on that, either. When I'm talking to a girl, it's a big concern if she isn't friends with any of her exes or their families. It implies that she's never had a serious relationship, or that she's immature enough to always have bad break-ups.

 

I would consider it to be a positive thing if you were still close with his family, as long as I never got the impression that you were doing so because you were secretly trying to stay close to your ex. There is a fine line there.

 

Maybe its because I might be a little older than you, but I see hanging on to one's exes as a negative if I am looking to date someone. I am looking for someone who has moved on. I am looking for someone who has cultivated their own long term friendships of the same sex that have withstood breakups and different relationships of theirs. I am not saying they have to be enemies with their exes - ie, if they run into them in line at the store or find that the ex works for a partner company and has to interact with them - they don't have to shoot daggers at them and can be polite to them, etc, but I don't want the guy with the "harem" of exes as close friends. I also am not interested in someone who hangs on to his ex's parents and therefore won't become close to mine.

 

 

So you're saying they're not going to appreciate me being in contact with them because I was in high school when the relationship started? If that is what you mean that's just stupid, the relationship lasted for 3 years. And age doesn't mean anything.

 

Plus I haven't contacted them once, they're always the once to initiate a conversation with me, especially seen as I work with his Dad. I'm sure if his Dad didn't want to know me he wouldn't have asked me to come back to work with him and would have just hired someone else.

.

 

I think you are taking things out of context. No, it has nothing to do with high school or not high school. What i mean is if two families grew up closely together for years and their kids dated for a short time. Anyways, if you work with her dad - then keep matters about work and don't talk about her, and decline being invited to family get togethers outside of work.