Advice/Counsel Needed Please

[larthur1]

Hi All,

 

So it’s been six months since my breakup but the other day I discovered I was a victim of the ‘Grass is Greener Syndrome (GIGS)”. In true GIGS dumpee fashion I could not understand why my relationship had ended, after experiencing and sharing so much. And other than the occasional bickering, there was no conflict or serious contentions to speak of. Much of my grieving period and suffering was a result of that, so much frustration and anger towards her because I felt betrayed and let down.

 

And then I read a thread that basically laid out word for word what happened to me. Boom! I got the closure she couldn’t give me. I’ve been on a real high since and not the emotional rollercoaster of the last six months high. So then I started thinking about getting back together if resolution happened, if I would even want to should that opportunity arise. Anyway, I sent her an email with a link to the thread (after a month of so NC) and basically spoke to her from a much better place, after previously telling her over the phone she was dead to me

 

Anyway, if that opportunity arose and we might get back together – if I actually wanted too, which I am unsure – how would that work? So, I’ve come on here for some advice. There’s a lot of things to overcome.

 

1. Trust. How can I trust her again?

2. She has been and is in a relationship with someone else and was weeks after we broke up. Sharing a life we did. Betrayal doesn’t do justice to how that feels after five years together, where I thought we would get married and have children. Facebook, friends and family. It’s everywhere. Clothes, my dog, other things…And the question I can’t bring myself to ask, does she love him?

3. Does she truly love me, or how much worth do I have to her if she could leave me at all, move with someone else.

4. So much has been said. Her whilst she was clutching at straws, basically trying to find any reason to justify what she was doing. Me being in a very dark place, writing essays. Sensitive things I have shared with my friends and family in my quest to understand and value myself.

5. She lives on the opposite side of the country to me now, and I certainly don’t want to move back there to such an isolated and boring place. I have a better life here, friends, family and opportunity. Its where I/we should be as young adults.

6. My family want to kill her rather than welcome her in open arms.

7. I’ve changed. Grown is more the truth. My ambitions, expectations and goals for life. I’m not sure if she would fit in to that now.

8. Having the chance to look at her and our relationship objectively, I can see things about her, her family and friends I wasn’t really happy with and unfair expectations she had from me. I wonder if I might actually find that the GIG.

 

So, I bet your asking why? The big one that trumps all that. I love her. Really love her, as in wondering about true love, love her. As in carved our names into a tree love and stayed awake watching her sleep love. For a time I didn’t want to, tried desperately to turn those feelings off. And even after the betrayal and hurt…it still sits there with enough force to bring me to my knees, even now.

[mhowe]

Love doesn't trump all.

 

1. No trust

2. Sense of betrayal.

3. No loyalty

4. Hurtful words exchanged

5. Geographically undesireable

6. Family disapproval

7. Growth/change of the individual(s)

8. Love goggles off.

 

What is bringing you to your knees is memories ==== not reality. Look at that list.

[DancingFool]

After five years in a relationship with you, she didn't leave you on a whim. She left after a lot of thought, agonizing over that decision and ultimately deciding that it's for the best for HER. You need to accept that. It's not about grass is greener or any other bs. After such a long time people don't leave a relationship on a whim. To think so is rather insulting to your ex. She left because she had good reasons to even though she couldn't or didn't want to brutally spell them out to you. The bottom line is while you thought that the relationship was wonderful, she clearly didn't think so and left.

 

You are not doing yourself any favors by sending her links and telling her that you know what's in her mind and heart. In fact, has she even responded to you with anything like she wants to work on the issues in the relationship and is willing to come back? I don't see that in your post anywhere. Unless she has actually responded with "I want to come back" in those words, then you are agonizing over things that are not even an option. Yes, you love her and love will fade. You will get over her, move on and find someone else.

[Man with Dog]

If she comes back, there's every chance she could go off again at any time. I'm 100% in agreement with the other replies. Don't even think about it.

 

Good luck.