I don't know what to do or how to feel

[larthur1]

I really don’t know what to do. I’m so confused. 6 months ago my relationship ended. It was my first relationship and my first love, it lasted 5 years and I thought, believed, that it would last a life time. This person was my best friend, we lived together for most of our relationship, got a dog, planned marriage and children. She was the first person I let in to me, which was so huge. I trusted and loved her more than I could put into words. I just wanted to be there for her, keep her safe and watch her grow. And then it all changed.

 

She left me for/because of feelings for someone else, within a month or two and they were together. I can’t understand how she could do that after we had been together and so serious for so long, been through so much together. But mostly I can’t understand how she could not want to be with me any longer. Aside from loving her so very much, I always tried to be the best I could be for her. Understanding, caring, compassionate, loving, respectful. Strong when I needed to be and soft when I didn’t. I was always honest and open. So many family dramas and her issues and I stood by her, never judging, even when I could feel the pressure just because I wanted to be there for her. I used to do most of the cooking and with the occasional surprise little romantic candle dinners. Surprise baths with candles and wine for her. I know I made mistakes in our relationship but…nothing to warrant what happened.

 

She made me believe at the time she was leaving me for other reason and over the space of a month whilst I moved out, that she wasn’t sure what she was doing and had a lot of doubts and confusion, even to the point where we were sort of back together. She said she wanted to be single, not in a long-term relationship. And because I loved her I just went along with it, wanting her to be happy and if that wasn’t with me. Well then it wasn’t and I would have to live with it. Then I found her phone. Read messages between them, hating myself for becoming that person but she kept going into the toilet and locking the door all the time. I’m not stupid, just a fool who loved. We had been broken up a few weeks, still sleeping in the same bed and together and she was arranging to meet him. So I confronted her and she told me they had kissed….I couldn’t believe it. This wasn’t the person I built a life with. The betrayal is so immense. That she had been lying to me and hiding things like that, could treat me like that after everything.

 

I know I need to move on, I want to but my heart can’t let go. All I feel is suffering, like my soul has been ripped apart. The worst thing is not that she left me for someone else. It’s that she destroyed my memories, saying hurtful things, hurtful from anyone but from her they were devastating. Tarnishing memories I held dear. Afterwards we spoke and she told me I was controlling and intense, I felt like she would say/believe anything to justify what she had done. I see now that she had been pushing me away for some time, not just with what she said, things like “we say I love you too much” or “you’re not the type of person I thought I would be with”. That it annoyed her when I asked her to do little things for me, so she would ask me back to irritate me but it would only irritate her when I did it without pause. But treating me with disregard and disrespect. Spending time with these new friends, who when I met were dysfunctional at best.

 

Now. Now my life is technically better than before. I lost my job at the same time but I have better one. I have all my friends and family because I moved for her. I live in London and it’s so alive and so much going on. My plans for life and the need to live have changed. I want to go travelling again, run marathons. Rock climb, ski and scuba dive and have done/am doing. And yet every day I wake up and think of her. Her and my little dog that I miss so much. I wonder if I want her back, if I should have her back even if I wanted to. I also think she’s a disloyal, lying, selfish coward. When I think of her, I think of him. When I miss my dog, I think of them cuddling with him on my sofa like we used to. Why do I have to live with such nasty thoughts after being so good to somebody? I can see that she was a lot of work, it would be another essay to go into her as person and how serious her issues are. And yet I worry about her, I worry that this is all some massive blowback from her issues. The new friends she has have been a massive negative force and she doesn’t see it. I know I’m the only person in the world that’s been that close to her and a positive influence. Its only me and her brother that’s ever been there for her.

 

How simple all this would be if I didn’t care.

[invisibleheart]

Iarthur1, I don't know what to really say. I can totally relate as to what you are going through, though it was just very recently did I found out about the someone else that's why he left me... and from there I realize that is why no matter what I did... how there's nothing, just nothing you can do about.

 

I salute you for being a good man, the way you have love her. Yes, I guess sometimes they just are downright selfish and get a way with it. But we should not be defeated on that, goodluck to your plans. Glad other things working our well for you.

[redsox22]

I understand what you are going through. I have no doubt that you will be ok and stringer for all you are going through. You are taking care of yourself and seem to have your life in order. You have family and friends who care about you and you are moving along. You are in a much better place than most of here looking for help, advice or some form of comfort from our pain.

 

It is painfully hard but you are worth having heathy love in your life. You are young and will have many more meaningful relationships. It's hard to let go of the future plans and it hurts to relive the memories. You are in mourning. That means you loved her deeply and that is a good thing. Much better than the alternative. You are a loving person and you will find a love that fulfills you and doesn't hurt you. Time will help. Stay strong and keep doing what you are doing and it will get easier. I promise.

[sky09]

larthur, there is no way you can answer the "why" right now, or even ever. There is absolutely no logical explanation to some things that people do/put us thru. She decided to take an easy way out, from reading your story, instead of trying to work on the relationship you had. She "fell" for somebody else and is high on that good stuff right now. Once that wears down, the reality will set in. I don't think you want "her" back, as there is no more "her" left. She is a different person now. What you are longing for is compassion and desire to share your life and love with somebody. You are about to embark on a roller coaster of life post-breakup, my friend. Make the best of it! It will get bumpy and you will have many setbacks and dark days, but the road is long and there is life out there. You do deserve somebody that will love you just as much as you love them.

Read "Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships" when you get a chance.

[larthur1]

Thank you so, so much for all of your heartfelt replies. I actually jut read "Grass is Greener Syndrome" which hit me like a physical blow! The word by word account. How sad and yet to understand gives me some closure. Once again, thank you all so very much.

[SooSad33]

Sometimes, relationships go stale and a partner may 'fall out of love'. Sadly, nothing we can do about that...

 

Yes, at this time you are dealing with many emotions. That's normal and part of dealing with a break up. The denial, anger, heartache, confusion, etc.

It will take a while to work on accepting & healing.

 

But, when our partner chooses to move on, there's not a lot we can do but work on accepting. Yes, it is VERY sad & painful, we know.

 

Keep moving forward. Have nothing to do with her so YOU can work on healing now.

It can be done. Just takes some time.

 

You will get your life back and you will someday meet someone else. But, work on you for a while and get yourself back together.

 

One day at a time.. tc